Short Funny Sayings
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- I like to be an optimist. It pisses people off.
- Knowledge is power. Ignorance is bliss. Well, which is it?!
- Blood is thicker than water. That may be true but that doesn't help you stranded in the desert 'cause you can't drink blood. Well you can but......Ew.
- There's a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow That's also where all the gays are
- You should do what you love. Unless it's sadistic and a danger to humanity.
- I had loads to do today. Ah well, so now I have loads to do tomorrow.
- Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
- Love makes us do crazy things Stalkers are proof of this
- All my life I thought air was for free. That was until I bought a bag of potato chips.
- He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.
- A true optimist is the guy who falls off a skyscraper and after 50 floors thinks to himself – well, so far so good!
- You are what you eat. Ah! Canables!!!
- I laughed, I cried It turns out I'm bipolar.
- According to my mirror I am pregnant. The father is Nutella.
- I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven’t offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.
- Free Willy! Free Jeff too!
- Have brotherly love towards your fellow man Gay party! Gay party!
- Actions speak louder than words. And that's why nobody reads anymore.
- Hearing voices in your head is normal. Listening to them is quite common. Arguing with them – acceptable. It is only when you lose that argument that you get in real trouble.
- People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
- A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
- I read married couples have sex about 74 times per year. It’s the end of November now. Seems I’m going to have a seriously exciting December!
- The best things in life are free After that revelation, prostitutes became illegal
- Tatoos are forever. Remember, forever is a long long long long long long long long long........time.
- Make love not war In truth, that's a very inappropriate statement
- I used to think that you were a pain in the neck. My opinion of you has dropped significantly lower since then.
- Curiosity killed the cat. It also killed the dog but I've been ordered by the government to keep that information confidential. (oops)
- The enemy of my enemy is my friend. The enemy of my enemy's enemy is my third cousin twice removed on my father's side.
- There's no place like home. And there's no place like jail either.
- Here, have a tissue. There’s still a bit of bullshit left on your mouth.
- Try not to forget! Don't worry! (I'll just try not to remember.)
- Oh give me a break! Sure, where?
- I am an example to others. A bad example.
- Change is good Ya hear that hippies?! Change your freakin clothes! (Damn hippies.)
- Death is not the end. It's actually North Korea (inside joke)
- Some people are destined for greatness. Others are destined to be the little people that the people destined for greatness step on.
- I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.
- I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers, because I can always count on them.
- If you fall off the horse Fake whiplash and sue the owner for everything he's got.
- Silence is golden. And ductape is silver.
- The pen is mightier than the sword. This does not apply in mortal combat.
- I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
- If life gives you lemons Make grape juice. Then, sit back and watch as the world tries to figure out how you did it.
- Just keep smiling. Someone will take the picture eventually...
- Bald is beautiful. Just keep telling yourself that...
- It's not worth crying over spilled milk. Unless you paid $500 for it. (Moron.)
- Snakes are more afraid of us then we are of them. Yeah, I don't see a snake wetting its pants, do you?
- I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.
- How many times must I flush before you finally go away?
- Two heads are better than one. Unless they're on the same body.
- I am in touch with my motivation. I saw it going by this morning, waving at me and winking.
- If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, you have a STALKER!
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- True friends have your back Seriously?! No freakin' way! For realz?!
- Everyone has a purpose Except you
- Dental-Chair Revelation: Once you have your mouth open, dentists lose the ability to ask questions with a simple yes or no answer.
- Love conquers all. This does not apply in rock paper scissors.
- Words have power. Unless you're deaf.
- Everyone has a guardian angel. If you are dying in a hospital, don't worry. Your angel is just on break.
- Sticks and stones may break my bones... Well you're pretty much screwed from there.
- Your eyes are the window to your soul. Your nose is the window to your brain.
- Another day another dollar. Wow your job must suck.
- Nothing in life is free And that's why we have prostitutes
