Random Funny Phrases
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- I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
- I speak fluent ironic with a solid sarcastic accent.
- Chocolate doesn’t ask any questions. Chocolate simply understands.
- Be positive! Ok. Congratulations sir! You have aids!
- Confessions may be great for your soul, but they are hell for your reputation.
- Beggars can't be choosers. And japanese rock stars can't be ninja assassins. (inside joke)
- It's what's on the inside that counts. Like your blood and you organs and your bones and...
- Real friends don't stab you in the back. REAL friends strangle you. (It's much less painful.)
- Actions speak louder than words. And that's why nobody reads anymore.
- You're as stubborn as a mule. You're as ugly as one too.
- People who live life to the fullest live the longest. Your results may vary.
- Words have power. Unless you're deaf.
- Nothing in life is free And that's why we have prostitutes
- Two heads are better than one. Unless they're on the same body.
- He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.
- Tatoos are forever. Remember, forever is a long long long long long long long long long........time.
- Have brotherly love towards your fellow man Gay party! Gay party!
- Dental-Chair Revelation: Once you have your mouth open, dentists lose the ability to ask questions with a simple yes or no answer.
- Make love not war In truth, that's a very inappropriate statement
- I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.
- Savor the moment. Unless the moment sucks in which case block it out.
- Dear math exercise book, kindly grow up finally and solve your own problems!
- Curiosity killed the cat. It also killed the dog but I've been ordered by the government to keep that information confidential. (oops)
- I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven’t offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.
- Love conquers all. This does not apply in rock paper scissors.
- Silence is golden. And ductape is silver.
- Tomorrow is another day. January 5, 1783 is another day too. So what's your point.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- I like to be an optimist. It pisses people off.
- Your eyes are the window to your soul. Your nose is the window to your brain.
- I didn’t fall down. I did attack the floor, though.
- Free Willy! Free Jeff too!
- Don't judge a book by it's cover. Don't judge a rock by its radiation.
- Winners never cheat. What world do live in?
- Bald is beautiful. Just keep telling yourself that...
- How many times must I flush before you finally go away?
- We came, we saw Now go home.
- Oh give me a break! Sure, where?
- Friendship is the greatest treasure of all. Unless you have a magic pony.
- Change is good Ya hear that hippies?! Change your freakin clothes! (Damn hippies.)
- Everyone has a guardian angel. If you are dying in a hospital, don't worry. Your angel is just on break.
- You should do what you love. Unless it's sadistic and a danger to humanity.
- A promise is a promise. And a lie is a lie.
- If the shoe fits, wear it. If it doesn't, well you're stuck with it now.
- I used to think that you were a pain in the neck. My opinion of you has dropped significantly lower since then.
- The pen is mightier than the sword. This does not apply in mortal combat.
- I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers, because I can always count on them.
- Listen to your heart. It will lead you to the happy snacks.
- Hearing voices in your head is normal. Listening to them is quite common. Arguing with them – acceptable. It is only when you lose that argument that you get in real trouble.
- It's not worth crying over spilled milk. Unless you paid $500 for it. (Moron.)
- You are what you eat. Ah! Canables!!!
- Death is not the end. It's actually North Korea (inside joke)
- Sticks and stones may break my bones... Well you're pretty much screwed from there.
- Just keep smiling. Someone will take the picture eventually...
- Nothing is as bad as it seems. Yes. It's much much worse.
- There's a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow. And there's a convict at the end of every trailer park.
- I am swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. 8 days ago.
- Come over to the dark side…we’ve got candy.
- Change is inevitable, except from a parking meter.
- There's a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow That's also where all the gays are
- If you fall off the horse Fake whiplash and sue the owner for everything he's got.
- All my life I thought air was for free. That was until I bought a bag of potato chips.
- The enemy of my enemy is my friend. The enemy of my enemy's enemy is my third cousin twice removed on my father's side.
- I know you are but what am I? Stupid.
- Everyone has a purpose Except you
- Love makes us do crazy things Stalkers are proof of this
- After millions of years of evolution, you’re kind of a disappointment.
- Don't throw rocks in glass houses. Why do have a glass house in the first place?! Are you stupid?!!
- Two wrongs don't make a right. THREE wrongs make a right.
- If you build it, they will come. If you destroy it, they will HATE you.
- A true optimist is the guy who falls off a skyscraper and after 50 floors thinks to himself – well, so far so good!
- I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
- What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. If you try it again, I garentee you'll die.
- I read married couples have sex about 74 times per year. It’s the end of November now. Seems I’m going to have a seriously exciting December!
- An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Eventually you're going to run out of body parts.
- If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, you have a STALKER!
- Knowledge is power. Ignorance is bliss. Well, which is it?!
- I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.
- Some people are destined for greatness. Others are destined to be the little people that the people destined for greatness step on.
- I am an example to others. A bad example.
- If life gives you lemons Make grape juice. Then, sit back and watch as the world tries to figure out how you did it.
- I am in touch with my motivation. I saw it going by this morning, waving at me and winking.
- Ya know what you do when you're feelin' down? Make someone else feel bad and then laugh at their pain
- Children in the backseat cause accidents, accidents in the backseat cause children!
- True friends have your back Seriously?! No freakin' way! For realz?!
- If you love something, set it free. If you hate it, cage it and make it your slave.
- Blood is thicker than water. That may be true but that doesn't help you stranded in the desert 'cause you can't drink blood. Well you can but......Ew.
- I had loads to do today. Ah well, so now I have loads to do tomorrow.
- Snakes are more afraid of us then we are of them. Yeah, I don't see a snake wetting its pants, do you?
- It's raining cats and dogs! Look! Now it's raining bombs too!
- A little goes a long way. Especially if it's disease.
- Just keep on dancin'! Cause this thriller, thriller night!
- If looks could kill We would have all died by now
- Who let the cat out of the bag? Obviously the one who knew it needed air.
- I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- Technology is our friends Yes, and that's why we have machine guns
- According to my mirror I am pregnant. The father is Nutella.
- Destruction breeds creation I'm sure that's EXACTLY what Hitler was thinking too!
- There's no place like home. And there's no place like jail either.
- What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine. Luckily, you have better stuff then me.
- An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A doctor a day keeps everyone away.'Cause you're a CANABLE!
- Here, have a tissue. There’s still a bit of bullshit left on your mouth.
- I laughed, I cried It turns out I'm bipolar.
- Mom knows best Unless she's on crack.
- I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.
- If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no need to nag him every 6 months about it.
- Try not to forget! Don't worry! (I'll just try not to remember.)
- I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
- Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.
- A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
- The best things in life are free After that revelation, prostitutes became illegal
- Hold onto your socks! Hold onto your shoes too. They'll be the first to go.
- Cat got your tongue? That's disgusting! What were you doing?! French kissing it?!! (Sicko)
- I wouldn’t exactly say I’m lazy, but it’s a good thing that breathing is a reflex.
- I refuse to have a battle of wits with an opponent so clearly unarmed.
- Another day another dollar. Wow your job must suck.
- Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.