Friends
Friends is an American television mockumentary that premiered on ABC on September 23, 2009, which follows the lives of families.
The One With Christmas In Tulsa
Written by: Doty Abrams
Directed by: Kevin S. Bright
Transcribed by: Stephan Hoffmeister
[Scene: Monica & Chandler's Apartment, everyone's there. Phoebe recites
the last verse of "The Night Before Christmas", written in 1822
by Clement Clarke Moore (1779-1863), to Joey.]
Phoebe: ...sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle;
and away they all flew like the down of a thistle;
but I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!"
Joey: (impressed) Wow, that was great! You really wrote that?
Phoebe: (smiling) Uh-huh.
Chandler: (coming from the bedroom) Say goodbye elves, I'm off to Tulsa.
Monica: I can't believe you're not gonna be here for Christmas.
Ross: You're really not coming back?
Chandler: Yeah, we have all this paperwork that needs to be filed by
the end of the year. If I don't get it done, I'll be fired.
Monica: It's so unfair, you don't even like your job!
Chandler: So, who does?
(The following responses are overlapping:)
Phoebe: Oh, I like my job.
Joey: I *love* my job.
Rachel: Yeah, I can't *wait* to go back to work.
Ross: I can't get *enough* dinosaurs!
Chandler: I'm sorry I won't be here.
Monica: It's just... It's hard enough not seeing you during the week,
but for Christmas... alright, if this is what you have to do,
I understand.
Chandler: Thanks. (they kiss) I'll see you new year's day.
Monica: (shocked) You're not gonna be here new year's eve??
Chandler: Did I not mention that?
Monica: No!
Chandler: (thinks for a second, then waves his arms, exclaiming:)
...AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! (and runs out of the apartment)
--- Opening Credits ---
[Scene: Chandler's Office in Tulsa, in the conference room. Chandler's
staff/co-workers are sitting round the table; Chandler is walking
around, when he notices a piece of paper attached to the back of
his chair.]
Chandler: All right everybody, I know that it's Christmas eve and you'd
rather be with your familys, but there's *no* call (he takes
it off) for writing "Screw you, Mr. Bing!" on the back of my
chair! (he looks at it) -- By the way, you can all call me
Chandler.
(Wendy enters the conference room, carrying a cardboard box.)
Wendy: Hey!
Others: Hey.
Chandler: Hey. Where've you been?
Wendy: I was, uh, checking out that insurance company's Christmas party
on three, oh, it was really beautiful, they have all these
decorations and this huge tree and I just, uh... to hell with
them, we have to work. -- So I stole ther ham. (She turns the
cardboard box upside down over the conference table, a big piece
of ham falls out.)
Chandler: (to the others) You hear that? You may not be with your familys,
but at least it's gonna smell like ham in here.
Claudia: My kid's in a play right now.
Chandler: Y'know what, I know what will cheer you guys up! (he starts
spreading envelopes among them) I had a little talk with the
boys in New York, told 'em about all the hard work you've been
doing and that a little Christmas bonus may be in order.
Nick: (reading off his card) "A donation has been made in your name to
the New York City Ballet".
Chandler: Well, that's like money in your pocket! - Alright look, you want
me to say it? This sucks. Being here sucks! This work sucks!
Wendy: *Now* it feels like Christmas.
Chandler: I'm sorry. Hey, at least you guys get to go home and be with
your familys tonight. I have to go back to an empty hotel room
and lay down on a very questionable bedspread. And then tomorrow
morning, you get to have Christmas morning in your own houses,
wich, by the way, none of you have invited me to.
Nick: You can come to my house!
Chandler: Haha, no thanks!
Wendy: That was a nice pep-talk.
Chandler: Oh, thanks! I'm... actually thinking about becoming a
motivational speaker.
Wendy: So, if you were home right now, what would you be doing?
Chandler: Typical Christmas-y stuff, you know? Our holidays are pretty
traditional...
[Flashback to 410 - TOW The Girl From Poughkeepsie]
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing her holiday song.]
Phoebe: So here is a, a very special holiday song that I wrote for some
very important people to me.
(singing) "Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap.
Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap.
Said all you need is to write them a song.
Now, you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along.
No, don't sing along.
Monica, Moncia, have a happy Hanukkah.
Saw Santa Clause, he said hello to Ross.
And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy!
And Rachel and Chandler, have err-umm-glander!!"
Happy holidays, everybody!
[Flashback to 610 - TOW The Routine]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, Chandler is there. Phoebe and
Rachel enter.]
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, you look in the kitchen, I will look in the back
closet.
Chandler: I can save you time ladies, I'm right here.
Phoebe: Yeah, Chandler why don't you take a walk? This doesn't concern
you.
Rachel: We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica.
Chandler: What? That's terrible!
Phoebe: No-no, we do it every year!
Chandler: Oh well, that, that makes it not terrible.
Phoebe: No, yeah, we never find them! She's always best at us, that
wily... minx.
Rachel: Don't worry, we're just gonna search here for an hour, and
then we're gonna go over to Joey's and search, OK?
Chandler: No not okay, you can't look for Monica's presents!
Phoebe: Oh no, we have to!
Chandler: No, you don't have to, and you can't because I, I live here too.
Phoebe: Well then, you should look with us.
Chandler: Why?
Rachel: Chandler, aren't you worried about what to get Monica for
Christmas?
Chandler: No, I have a great idea for a present for her.
Phoebe: Oh, that's it? (Mimics Chandler) A great idea! Oh yeah.
Rachel: Chandler, that's not enough. I mean what if she gets you a
great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little
presents? And you've just gotten her one great present?
I mean that's just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you
do that to her Chandler? Why? Why?
Chandler: If I help, we can find 'em faster!
Rachel: That's right!
(Phoebe looks under the couch)
Phoebe: Ooh ooh, we have a live one!
Rachel: Oh, it's a Macy's bag!
(Phoebe tips it upside down, and a shoe falls out)
Rachel: Oh.
Phoebe: Ooh, who's it for?
Rachel: (Reading from a tag that's attached to the shoe) "Dear losers,
do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch?
P.S.: Chandler, I knew they'd break you."
[Flashback to 209 - TOW Phoebe's Dad]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Chandler are giving out
their Christmas presents out of a cardboard box from a case of
motor oil.]
Joey: Rach, these are for you.
Rachel: Wiper blades. I don't even have a car.
Joey: No, but with this new car smell, you'll think you do.
Chandler: OK, Pheebs, your turn.
Phoebe: Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you were doing while I
was getting gas?
Joey: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: You guuuyys.
Joey: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth.
Ross: You got me a cola drink?
Chandler: And, a lemon lime.
Ross: Well this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you
another sweater.
Chandler: And last but not least.
(Chandler and Joey give Monica a pack of condoms.)
Joey: They're ribbed for *your* pleasure.
[Flashback to 710 - TOW The Holiday Armadillo]
[Scene: Monica, Chandler and Phoebe's, Ross is costumed as an Armadillo.]
Ross: Ooh, hey Ben, what if the Holiday Armadillo told you all about
the Festival of Lights?
Ben: Cool!
Ross: Yeah!
Monica: Come on Ben.
(Monica and Ben sit down on the couch.)
Ross: Years and years ago there were these people called the
Maccabees...
Chandler: (entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Ben: Santa! (Runs to Chandler and hugs him)
Chandler: Hey! (Grunts as Ben hits him at full speed.)
Ross: What are you doing here, Santa?
Chandler: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing
here, weird...turtle-man?
Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent
me here to give Ben some presents. Remember?
Chandler: What?
Monica: Okay Ben, why don't you come open some more presents, and Santa,
the Armadillo and I have a little talk in the kitchen? There's
a sentence I'd never thought I'd say.
(They walk to the kitchen; everyone is lowering their voices)
Ross: (to Chandler) What are you doing?
Chandler: You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a
Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work!
Ross: Thank you, but, but you, you gotta leave.
Chandler: Why?
Ross: Because, I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah, and,
and you're-you're wrecking it.
Chandler: But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.
Ross: I'm sorry Chandler, but this, this is really important to me.
Chandler: Fine, I'll give the suit back.
(Ross turns around and walks back to Ben.)
Monica: (to Chandler) Hey, you think, you can keep it another night?
(She has a really teasing look on her face and keeps twirling
Chandler's beard.)
Chandler: Santa? Really?
Monica: Yeah, is that okay?
Chandler: Did your Dad ever dress up like Santa?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Then it's okaaay! (They kiss.)
[Scene: Back in the conference room in Tulsa.]
Chandler: You know what, everybody? Go home. You should be with your
familys. It's bad enough that we're working new year's eve.
(All others are looking up, surprised)
Did I not tell *anyone* about new year's eve? -- Alright, look,
go! Go home, okay? Merry Christmas! Go.
(All are leaving, wishing each other a merry Christmas, peace
on earth, etc. Only Wendy stays.)
Chandler: Good, God's speed, good people! (he starts to close the door,
turns around and sees Wendy) You're not gonna go?
Wendy: Naah... I couldn't leave you alone.
Chandler: Ah. Thanks.
Wendy: Besides, I can't leave until their Christmas party downstairs
clears out; there are some *pissed off* insurance people looking
for that ham.
Chandler: Ah. (The phone rings; he answers it) Chandler Bing.
[Scene change back an forth: Mondler's Apartment, Monica's on the other
End