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Friends

Friends is an American television mockumentary that premiered on ABC on September 23, 2009, which follows the lives of families.


The One With Russ
Originally written by Ira Ungerleider
Transcribed by Josh Hodge

[The whole gang is walking to a news-stand at night, Joey anxiously
in the lead.]

RACHEL: Joey, would you slow down, they're not gonna be sold out of
papers at one o'clock in the morning.

JOEY: I'm excited, I've never gotten reviewed before.

MONICA: You were so amazing as the king, I was really impressed,
I was.

PHOEBE: Although, you know what. You might want to consider wearing
underwear next time. Yeah, cause when you sat down on your
throne you could kind of see your. . . royal subject.

JOEY: Here it is, here it is. [reads] The only thing worse than the
mindless, adolescent direction was Joseph Tribbiani's
disturbingly unskilled portrayal of the king.

CHANDLER: OK, look, that is one guy's opinion, alright. Phoebs read
yours.

PHOEBE: OK. [reads] The only thing worse than the mindless,
adolescent direction. . .

CHANDLER: Does anyone have one from a different paper? Ross,
read yours.

ROSS: I don't want to.

RACHEL: Joey, honey, they don't know what they're talking about.

ROSS: Yeah.

JOEY: Maybe they do. I've been doin' this ten years and I haven't
gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason.

ROSS: Oh c'mon, maybe your just, uhh, your just paying your dues.

JOEY: NO, no, no, it, it's too hard. It's not worth it, I quit.

MONICA: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait one minute, wait a minute.
I believe this will change your mind. [reads] In a
mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani was able to achieve
brilliant new levels of. . . continued on page 153, sucking.



Credits



[Scene: Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel comforting Joey at Monica and
Rachel's apartment.]

JOEY: When I was little I wanted to be a veteranarian, but then
I found out you had to put your hands into cows and stuff.

[Ross enters, obviously not in a good mood]

ROSS: Hhiii.

PHOEBE: Are, are you OK?

ROSS: Yeah, yeah, just a tough day at work. A stegasaurus fell over
and trapped a kid. Woah, woah, I know this jacket, this is,
th. . . Fun Bobby's jacket, where is he, what. He, he's
here isn't he?

MONICA: Maybe.

ROSS: Don't toy with me.

[Fun Bobby enters from Monica's bedroom]

FUN BOBBY: Geller!

ROSS: Hey, Fun Bobby!

FUN BOBBY: Hey. Woah, hey, you've been working out, huh?

ROSS: Not at all! I love this guy. Hey, I was so psyched to hear
your back with my sister.

MONICA: You and me both.

FUN BOBBY: [walking back to group at table] Hey, so what'd I miss,
what'd I miss, c'mon?

PHOEBE: Oh, we were just trying to make Joey feel better.

FUN BOBBY: Hey, do you need me to pick you up?

JOEY: No, I'm all right man, really.

FUN BOBBY: No, I'm picking you up.

JOEY: Hey, no, seriously, I don't need you to pick me. . . [Fun Bobby
picks Joey up and bounces him. Joey starts laughing] Alright,
it still works.

FUN BOBBY: OK, now before I go, does anybody else need to be picked
up? [everyone raises thier hands] I'm still gonna go.

MONICA: OK, I'll see ya later babe.

FUN BOBBY: Uh, public display of affection coming up, you can avert
your eyes. [kisses Monica]

[Chandler and Joey continue to look, Rachel turns their heads away
for them]

FUN BOBBY: See ya.

GANG: Bye. See ya. Later

PHOEBE: Fun Bobby is so great.

MONICA: Oh, isn't he? Oh, ya know, I really think this time it may
work with him. I mean, he just makes me feel so good and
I've been feeling so lousy this last couple of months, no
job, no boyfriend. Well, at leas my cup is half full.

PHOEBE: Half full of luuuv.

MONICA: And for our two week anniversary he's gonna take me to his
cousin's cabin for the weekend.

PHOEBE: Cabin of luuuv.

RACHEL: We went through a lot of wine tonight, you guys. [holding
five empty bottles]

MONICA: Really? I only had two glasses.

JOEY: I just had a glass.

PHOEBE: Two.

RACHEL: I had one glass.

CHANDLER: I had about a mugfull in this lovely 'I got boned at the
Museum of Natural History' mug.

RACHEL: OK, so that's. . . that's what, two bottles, and yet somehow
we went through five?

[All look towards door where Fun Bobby has just left.]

ROSS: Oooh.

JOEY: [Finally realizes why they're looking towards door] Ohhh.

MONICA: So what. So he drank a lot tonight.

ROSS: Yeah but, you know, now that I think about it I don't think
I've ever seen Fun Bobby without a, a drink in his hand.

PHOEBE: Yeah. Ooh, OOOH, yeah, ya know, did you notice how he always
starts his stories with, um, OK, 'I was soo wasted,' or,
'Oh, we were soo bombed,' or, umm, ooh, ooh, 'So I wake up,
and I'm in this dumpster in Connecticut.'

JOEY: Monica, have you ever been with him when he wasn't drinking?

MONICA: Well, we just happen to go to a lot of places where you might
drink. I mean, how do you go to a wine tasting without having
a drink? Or, or to a club, or to the. . . zoo.


[Scene: Monica, Fun Bobby, and Phoebe sitting in Central Perk. Rachel
is serving them.]

MONICA: Rach, does this have nonfat milk?

RACHEL: Ehhumm, I don't know, why don't you taste it.

MONICA: [sips] Mm, no.

RACHEL: Oh, well too late, sorry, you already had some.

FUN BOBBY: Whad'ya say we make these, uh, coffees Irish?

[Phoebe and Rachel look uncomfortable]

PHOEBE: Um, cake.

RACHEL: Yeah, we're gonna, we're gonna get some cake. [Phoebe and
Rachel go to counter]

MONICA: You know what, it seems like you've been making an awful lot
of stuff Irish lately.

FUN BOBBY: Well, I would make them Belgian but the waffles are hard
to get into that flask.

MONICA: Bobby.

FUN BOBBY: Yeah, OK.

MONICA: Look, maybe this is none of my business, or maybe it is,
I don't know, but, uh, I'm kind of worried about you.

FUN BOBBY: OK, look, this isn't the first time somebody's said
something to me about this but, I don't know, I always
made excuses about it like, uhh, 'I'm just a social
drinker,' or 'C'mon, it's flag day.'

MONICA: So, what are you saying now?

FUN BOBBY: I guess I'm saying, I'll try and quit. I kinda like that
you worry about me. [they hug]

PHOEBE: [Phoebe returns with cake] Soo, what's goin on, huh?

FUN BOBBY: I am gonna try and quit drinking?

PHOEBE: Ohh, why?

[Chandler and Joey enter Central Perk]

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

MONICA: Hey.

PHOEBE: Hey.

CHANDLER: Guess who's back in show business.

PHOEBE: Ohh, ohh, Lorne Green?

CHANDLER: No, no, Phoebs, you know why? Cause he's dead.

PHOEBE: Oh, no.

CHANDLER: OK, I guess this is gonna seem kinda bittersweet now, but
Joey that's who.

JOEY: Yeah, my agent just called me with and audition for Days of
Our Lives.

PHOEBE: Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do?
We should do like a soap opera theme.

CHANDLER: Hey, yeah, we could all sleep together and then one of us
could get amnesia.

PHOEBE: Hey, Rach, what time do you get off, we're all gonna do
something tonight.

RACHEL: Uhmm, well actually I'm already done, but I, I kinda got
plans.

MONICA: [gasps] You have other friends?

RACHEL: Yeah, I uhh, I have a, I have a date.

MONICA: What?

JOEY: With a man?

RACHEL: What, what is so strange about me having a date?

JOEY: What about Ross? I mean, are you still mad at him cause he
made that list about you?

RACHEL: Noo, no, I'm not mad at him, I'm, I'm not really anything
at him anymore.

MONICA: What are you talking about?

RACHEL: I don't know. Whatever I was feeling, I'm. . . not.

PHOEBE: But you guys came so close.

RACHEL: Oh I know, I'm sorry you guys. You're just gonna have to get
used to the fact that I will not be dating Ross.

[Russ enters Central Perk. Russ looks remarkably like Ross
(David Schwimmer in a dual role).]

RACHEL: Here he is. Hi. Guys, this is Russ.

RUSS: Hhiii.

[Everyone looks at each other in amazement]


[Scene: Estelle Leonard Talent Agency, Estelle speaking on the phone.]

ESTELLE: Stop saying you're not talented, you're very talented.
It's just with the bird dead and all, there's very little
act left. Oh honey give me a break will ya. . . [knock at
the door] Ooh, ooh, I'll talk to you later.

[Joey enters]

ESTELLE: Well, there's my favorite client. So tell me darling, how
was the audition?

JOEY: Well, I think it went pretty well, I, I got a callback for
Thursday.

ESTELLE: Joey, have you ever seen me estatic?

JOEY: No.

ESTELLE: Well, here it is. [attempts a smile]

JOEY: OK, uhh, listen, there's something I want to talk to you
about. The network casting lady. . .

ESTELLE: Oh, isn't Lori a doll?

JOEY: Oh, yeah, yeah she's great but. . . I kinda got the feeling
that she was, sort of. . . coming on to me. And I definately
would get the part if I would of, you know. . . if I would
have sent the Little General in.

ESTELLE: Oh, I see. Well, I'm just gonna put in a call here and
we'll find out what's goin' on and straighten it out.
[makes call] Yeah hi, Lori please. Hi darling. So how
'bout Joey Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver,
isn't he terriffic? [pause] Uh-huuh [pause] Uh-huuuuh.
OK doll, talk to you later. [hangs up] Yeah, you're
gonna have to sleep with her.


[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Rachel at counter, Phoebe, Chandler,
and Fun Bobby at couches.]

RACHEL: What's the matter?

MONICA: It's Fun Bobby.

RACHEL: What, isn't he sober?

MONICA: Oh, he's sober alright. Just turns out that Fun Bobby was
fun for a reason.

RACHEL: Ohhh, OK.

[Monica returns to couch]

MONICA: Alright, here you go sweetie. [hands Fun Bobby his coffee]

FUN BOBBY: Thanks. You wanna here something funny?

MONICA: Oh God yes!

FUN BOBBY: There are no hardware stores open past midnight in the
Village.

PHOEBE: That is funny.

FUN BOBBY: I needed to buy a hammer the other night and I'm
out walkin' around the neighborhood but apparently there
are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.

MONICA: Ahh, hey honey, don't you have to be at your interview now?

FUN BOBBY: Oh yeah. See ya guys. [leaves]

CHANDLER: Ridiculously dull Bobby.

MONICA: Oh my God.

PHOEBE: It's not that bad.

MONICA: Not that bad! Did you hear the hammer story?

PHOEBE: Ok, ok, don't get all squinky.

RACHEL: Maybe it was just the kind of story where you have to be
there.

MONICA: But I'm gonna be there. . . for the rest of my life.
I mean, I can't break up with him, I'm the one who made
him quit drinking. He's dull because of me.

PHOEBE: Alright, don't say that. He's probably always been dull,
you just, you know, set it free.

[Russ enters behind Chandler]

RUSS: Hi.

CHANDLER: [turning around] Hey Ross, bahhhh!

RACHEL: Hi Russ, I've just got two more tables to clean and then
we'll go, OK.

RUSS: OK, I'll just sit here and, uh, chat with your, uh. . .
friend type. . . people.

[Phoebe walks up to Rachel who is cleaning tables]

PHOEBE: Rachel, um, hi.

RACHEL: Hi.

PHOEBE: OK. So, you know what you're doing right?

RACHEL: Hu-ahh, waitressing?

PHOEBE: Well yeah, but no. I mean, umm, doesn't, doesn't Russ
just remind you of someone?

RACHEL: Huh, Bob Sagett?

PHOEBE: [looks at Russ] Oh yeah. No, no, no, no, oh, oh.

[Rachel has moved on when Phoebe turns back around. Ross enters
and Phoebe is visibly upset.]

PHOEBE: Oh my oh!

ROSS: What, what's wrong?

PHOEBE: I, OK. . .

MONICA: She's just upset becuase she, uh, she buttered a spider
into her toast this morning.

ROSS: Alright.

CHANDLER: [to Phoebe] Listen Phoebs, this is gonna be OK.
[to Ross and Russ who haven't seen each other] Ross,
Russ, Russ, Ross.

RUSS: Hi.

ROSS: Hi.

RUSS: Are you a, uh, friend of Rachels?

ROSS: Yes, yes I am. Are you a, uh, a friend of Rachels?

RUSS: Actually I'm a, kind of a, you know a, date type thing. . .
of Rachels.

ROSS: A date.

RUSS: Yeah, I'm her date.

ROSS: Oh, oh you're uh, you're, oh you're the date.

CHANDLER: You know, this is actually good because if we ever
lose Ross, we have a spare.

RUSS: Oh, you are the, uh, paleontologist.

ROSS: Yes, yes I am. And you are a. . .

RUSS: Periodontist.

MONICA: See, now they're as different as night and. . . later
that night.

ROSS: Well, I am going to, uhh, get a beverage. It was nice, nice,
uh, meeting you.

RUSS: Ditto.

[Ross approaches Rachel at counter]

ROSS: I uh, well, I, I met Russ.

RACHEL: Oh.

ROSS: Hey, I didn't know we were, uh, seeing other people.

RACHEL: Well, we're not seeing each other, so. . .

ROSS: Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the
museum who's curator of moths and other, uh. . . winged
things, who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me
much like a. . . well you know. But so far I've been keeping
her at bay but, uh, if this is the deal. . .

RACHEL: Well, yeah, this is the deal.

ROSS: OK, well, um, have a nice evening.

RACHEL: Um, Russ, you ready?

RUSS: Yeah.

RACHEL: Bye.

MONICA: Bye.

PHOEBE: Bye.

[Russ and Rachel leave]

ROSS: She's dating, she's dating.

CHANDLER: Yes, yes, but did you see who she was dating?

ROSS: Whad'ya mean?

MONICA: Do you not see it?

ROSS: See what? I don't know what she sees in innn that goober.
And it takes him what like, like, I don't know, uhh-huhh,
hello, a week to get out a sentence.

CHANDLER: Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it?

ROSS: . . . . . . . . . Yeah.


[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is making marinara
sauce and is filling every container in sight. Chandler enters.]

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Woah, woah, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part or,
uh, Italy called and said it was hungry.

JOEY: Well, the part's mine if I want it.

CHANDLER: Oh my God.

JOEY: Yeah, if I'm willing to sleep with the casting lady.

CHANDLER: Oh my. . . God.

JOEY: Ten years I've been waiting for a break like this Chandler,
ten years! I mean, Days of Our Lives that's actually on
television.

CHANDLER: So, what're you gonna do?

JOEY: Well, I guess I could sleep with her, I mean. How can I do that?

CHANDLER: Well, I, I've got a pop-up book that told me everything I
need to know.

JOEY: I've never slept with someone for a part.

CHANDLER: Well is she. . . [reaches into the cookie jar and
removes his hand covered in marinara sauce]

JOEY: Sorry.

CHANDLER: It's alright. Is she good looking?

JOEY: Yeah, she's totally good looking. I mean, if I met her in a
bar, or something, I'd be buying her breakfast. You know,
after having slept with her.

CHANDLER: You know, maybe this isn't such a big deal. Ya know,
I mean, the way that I see it is you get a great job
and you get to have sex. Ya know, I mean, throw in a
tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas.

JOEY: I just, I just don't think that I want it that way though,
ya know. I mean, let's say I do make it, alright, I'm
always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my
talent of because of, ya know, the Little General.

CHANDLER: Didn't you used to call it the Little Major?

JOEY: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco I had to promote it.

[Scene: A restraunt. Fun Bobby and Monica are ordering.]

WAITER: Can I get you something from the bar?

MONICA: Yes, I would like something. [looks at Fun Bobby] No, no
thank you.

FUN BOBBY: If, if you want to drink it's OK with me, I've got to get
used to it.

MONICA: No, no really, I, I wouldn't feel right about it. Just some
water.

FUN BOBBY: So the light went out in my refrigerator. . .

MONICA: [grabs waiter as he's leaving] I'd like a scotch on the
rocks with a twist.

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler is sitting on the couch between Ross
and Russ doing a crossword puzzle.]

CHANDLER: Hey, we're having some fun now, huh Ross? Wanna do
another one, huh Russ? OK, eleven letters, atomic
element number 101, ends in ium.

RUSS: Disprosium.

ROSS: Disprosium. Try mendelevium.

CHANDLER: And weenie number two has it. Unless, of course, nine
down, Knights in White Satin, was sung by the Doody Blues.

[Phoebe and Rachel are at the counter]

PHOEBE: You don't see it? You actually do'n't see it?

RACHEL: What?

PHOEBE: OK honey, you're dating Ross.

RACHEL: No, Phoebs, I'm dating Russ.

PHOEBE: Russ is Ross. Russ Ross.

RACHEL: Steve sleeve.

PHOEBE: OK, no one is named Sleeve.

RACHEL: Pheobe, what the hell are you talking about? Other than
there names being similar, I'm sorry, I do not see what
you're seeing.

ROSS: For your information, it's a card sharp, not a card shark.

RUSS: You could not be more wrong. You could try but you would not
be successfull.

CHANDLER: OK, I'm gonna get some more coffee before the pinching and
eye poking begins.

RUSS: I know what your problem is.

ROSS: Oh you do, do ya?

RUSS: Um-hum, you're jealous.

ROSS: Of, of what?

RUSS: You're jealous becuase I'm a real doctor.

ROSS: Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part
you can major in. It's like day one, floss, day two, here's
your diploma.

RUSS: Hey, you listen.

ROSS: No, no, let me finish.

RUSS: No, let me finish.

ROSS: No, you let me fini. . .

[Rachel walks up behind them]

ROSS: Hi.

RUSS: Hi.

RACHEL: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. [turns away]


[Scene: Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and Chandler in Monica and Rachel's
apartment.]

RACHEL: Did Joey say what he was gonna do when he left?

CHANDLER: No, I don't even think he knew. Hey, would you sleep with
somebody to get a great job?

RACHEL: I don't know, who would I have to sleep with?

CHANDLER: Me.

RACHEL: Why would I have to sleep with you?

CHANDLER: It's my game, you want the job or not?

[Monica enters from her room]

CHANDLER: Hey.

MONICA: Morning.

ROSS: Where ya goin'.

MONICA: Bobby and I are going away for the weekend, remember?

ROSS: Oohhh.

[Monica pulls out a bag full of airline bottles of liquor]

PHOEBE: What's with all the bottles of liquor?

ROSS: What's goin on, is, uh, Bobby drinking again?

MONICA: Oh no no, this is not for him, this is for me. That way he's
still sober but I find his stories about shoelaces much
more amusing.

[three slow knocks on the door]

RACHEL: Oh God, even his knock is boring.

MONICA: Hi, I'll be ready in just a second.

FUN BOBBY: Uh, can I talk to you a minute.

MONICA: Sure.

[Fun Bobby and Monica step into the hall]

FUN BOBBY: This is really hard for me to say.

MONICA: Oh God, you fell off the wagon.

FUN BOBBY: Oh, no no, it's about you.

MONICA: What about me?

FUN BOBBY: I think you may have a drinking problem.

MONICA: What these, oh, these are, um, for cuts and scrapes.

FUN BOBBY: Look, I am just not strong enoughto be in a co-dependant
relationship right now, OK.

MONICA: Oh, shoot.

FUN BOBBY: Well anyway, I hope we can be friends.

MONICA: OK.

[they hug and kiss]

MONICA: Take care.

FUN BOBBY: You too.

[Fun Bobby leaves and Monica goes back in her apartment]

RACHEL: What happened?

MONICA: Well we, we kinda broke up.

GANG: Oohhhhh.

[Ross, Phoebe, Chandler, and Rachel exchange money]

MONICA: [holding bottles] Does anybody want these?

CHANDLER: I'll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and
pretend I'm a giant.

[Joey enters]

JOEY: Hey.

GANG: Hey!

ROSS: How'd the callback go?

JOEY: It was unbelievable, I walked in there and she was all over me.

CHANDLER: So what'd you do?

JOEY: Well, I couldn't do it. I told her I didn't want to get the
part that way.

ROSS: Good for you.

JOEY: But wait, wait, wait. Then after I left her office she caught
up with me at the elevator and offered me an even bigger part.

PHOEBE: So, and.

JOEY: Soo, you are now looking at Dr. Drake Remore, neurosurgeon,
recurring in at least four episodes.

GANG: All right!

JOEY: All right, I've got to go shower.

[Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, and Chandler exchange back their bets]



Closing Credits


[Scene: Central Perk. Russ enters. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting
on the couch.]

RUSS: Hi.

CHANDLER: Oh, hey.

PHOEBE: Hi.

RUSS: I guess you guys heard, Rachel dumped me.

CHANDLER: Yeah, I'm sorry man.

RUSS: Oh, all she said was that I remind her too much of somebody.
You have any idea who she's talking about?

[Chandler shrugs and feigns ignorance]

PHOEBE: Oh I do, it's, it's Bob Sagett. She hates him.

RUSS: Oh.

[Julie enters]

JULIE: Hey.

CHANDLER and PHOEBE: Hey, Julie!

PHOEBE: Hey, how are you doing?

JULIE: Um, oh, I don't know, I mean, it's definitely wierd not being
with Ross, but I guess I'm doing OK. Actually I've got some
of his stuff that he um. . .

[Russ and Julie see each other and look longingly into each other's
eyes. Music builds.]

 

END



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