Friends
Friends is an American television mockumentary that premiered on ABC on September 23, 2009, which follows the lives of families.
The One Where Rachel Has A Baby
Part I Written by: Scott Silveri
Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Parts I & II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: The Hospital, Ross and Rachel, whos in a wheelchair, are arriving in the waiting room for the maternity ward.]
Ross: All right! (Checking his watch) Yes!! From home to the hospital in under seven minutes! We did it!!
Rachel: (deadpan) Yes, the hard part is truly over.
Ross: No, but come on, were off to a great start arent we? I knew Id get you here fast, but this has got to be some kind of a record!
(Phoebe and Monica walk in from getting some coffee.)
Phoebe: Oh you made it!
Rachel: Hi! (Ross is stunned.)
Monica: How are you doing?
Ross: Wait a minute! How-how the hell did you beat us here?
Monica: We took a cab. Did you guys walk?
Ross: N No! We took a cab too, but I did test runs!
(Chandler and Joey enter from the vending machines carrying sodas.)
Chandler: Hi!
Joey: Hey! You made it!
Ross: Okay is there some kind of magic tunnel to this hospital?!
Rachel: Ross, you stay here and talk, Im gonna go have a baby.
Ross: Okay. Okay. (To the nurse behind the desk.) Umm hi, this is Rachel Green. Im Ross Geller. We-we called from the car.
Nurse: Right! We have a semi-private labor room waiting for you. So in just a minute
Rachel: (interrupting her) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Im sorry, semi-private? We (Laughs), we asked for a private room.
Nurse: Yes, I see that here. Unfortunately we cant guarantee a private room and currently theyre all unavailable.
Chandler: Man, if only youd gotten here sooner. (Ross turns and glares at him.)
Nurse: Im sorry. Semi-private rooms are all we have.
Rachel: Okay. Just give us a second. Ross! (They walk away from the desk.)
Ross: Yeah?
Rachel: Give her some money.
Ross: I really think theyre out of rooms.
Rachel: Theyre not!! Ross, theyre just saving them for the important people!! Okay?! What-what if I was the president?!
Ross: Well then wed be in a lot of trouble, you dont know where any countries are. (Rachel glares at him.) Okay. (He goes over to the desk followed by Rachel.) Uh, say would you umm Would you mind checking again to see if any umm, private rooms may have (Handing her some money) opened up?
Nurse: This is a hospital.
Rachel: (standing up) Okay. Yknow what? Id have to say I really dont care for your tone. And this is not the only hospital in this city and we have no problem toWhoa! (She starts a contraction) Oh gosh! Whoa!
Ross: What-what?
Rachel: Ow! Ow! Contraction. (Sits back down.) Ow-ow! Ow-ow! (Starts breathing heavily.)
Nurse: Would you like to see a semi-private room?
Rachel: Yeah, it couldnt hurt to look.
Opening Credits
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Rachel is in bed, Ross is fooling around, and Dr. Long is checking on Rachel.]
Dr. Long: Well youre only two centimeters dilated and we need to get to ten. Itll be a while.
Rachel: Oh, okay.
Dr. Long: Ill be back in an hour to check you again.
Ross: Thank you.
Rachel: Thank you. (Dr. Long exits.) Well, I guess we have some time to kill.
Ross: Yeah, guess so. Whew! Check these out! (Hes looking at the stirrups on the other bed in the room and Rachel groans. Ross then hops into the bed and puts his legs into the stirrups.) Never done this before.
Rachel: Yeah well it looks great!
(A nurse shows another couple into the room.)
Man: Thank you very much.
Woman: Thanks.
(They stop when they see Ross who has to struggle to get out of the bed.)
Ross: Hi! Hi, Im uh Ross. Im here to ruin this magical day for you.
Man: Oh no-no, not at all.
Woman: Dont worry about it.
Man: Marc Coreger, this is my wife Julie.
Ross: Hi Julie.
Julie: Hi.
Ross: This is Rachel. (Points at her.)
Rachel: Hi!
Marc: Oh hi Rachel.
Rachel: How are you?
Julie: Hi. Is this your first?
Rachel: Yeah it is.
Julie: Well, little Jamie here is our third. So, if you have questions or you need anything at all, just holler.
Rachel: Thats so sweet.
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Oh.
Ross: Umm say, I-I opened this earlier (The privacy screen) but let me give you guys some privacy.
Marc: No nonsense! Were all in this together.
Julie: Yeah, we are going to share every moment of this with you. And I think were gonna have some fun.
Marc: Yeah.
Ross: Oh, okay.
Marc: Hey! Smile! (Points his camera at Ross and Rachel.)
Rachel: Oh no, I really dont want any(He takes the picture)Oh! Thank you. Oh. Oh Ross
Ross: What?
Rachel: Here comes another contraction.
Ross: Oh. Okay, just breathe.
Julie: Oh honey, I think Im having one too!
(During the mutual contraction Julie takes a moment to point out theyre having a contraction at the same time.)
Marc: Look at this! (Takes another picture) There we go!
[Scene: The Waiting Room, the rest of the gang is lounging around.]
Phoebe: (looking at the clock) Oh wow, three hours and still no baby. Ugh, the miracle of birth sure is a snooze fest.
Monica: Hey, you wanna see something?
Phoebe: Sure! What?
Monica: Umm, this is going to be fun. Watch me freak out Chandler. Honey?
Chandler: Yeah?
Monica: Listen uh, I-Ive been doing some thinking, and I dont know whether its because were here or Rachels giving birth but umm, I think we should try to have a baby.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: (freaking out) What-what-whats that now?!
Chandler: Okay. Ive been thinking about it too, and I, I think were ready.
Monica: What?! Are you kidding me?! You-you-you think were ready to have a baby now?!
Phoebe: Oh, this is fun.
Joey: Youre ready to have a baby? My boys all grown up!
Chandler: But you said you were ready too.
Monica: Yeah but I was just screwing with you to try to get your voice all high and weird like mine is now!
Chandler: Yes, but havent you wanted a kid like forever?
Monica: Okay, just back off mister! Whoa. (Pause) Cause I am ready to have a baby. I just want Joey to be the father.
Joey: (voice all high and weird) What?! Are you crazy?!
Monica: Thats it! Right there! Is all I wanted!
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, time lapse, Ross is massaging out a cramp on Rachels hip as Marc opens up the privacy screen.]
Marc: I am so sorry. The doctor insisted on closing the curtain for the exam.
Rachel: Oh, thats veryReally very-very okay.
Marc: Julies cervix is dilated a seven centimeters, thats about four fingers. The doctor let me feel it myself.
Julie: Have you felt Rachels cervix Ross?
Rachel: (simultaneously as Ross) No, I dont think well be doing that.
Ross: (simultaneously as Rachel) Were not gonna do that.
Julie: Well, if you like you can feel Rachels and then feel mine to compare.
Mrs. Geller: (entering) Am I interrupting?
Ross: Uh yes! Thank you.
Rachel: Oh. Oh wait no.
Ross: Later.
Rachel: No-no-dont! Dont leave me here with these people.
Ross: Oh uh, Im sorry. (Runs out.)
Rachel: No Ross! Ross! Ross! My child has no father!
[Scene: The Hallway, Ross comes out and hugs Mrs. Geller.]
Ross: Hi! Im so glad youre here, but its gonna be a while. I-I wished youd called first.
Mrs. Geller: Oh thats all right, Im coming back later with your father.
Ross: Oh good.
Mrs. Geller: I actually needed to talk to you before the birth.
Ross: Okay, whats up?
Mrs. Geller: I brought something that I want to give you, assuming of course that you want it. (She holds up an engagement ring.)
Ross: Ma, youre asking me to marry you?
Mrs. Geller: This is your grandmothers engagement ring, I want you to give it to Rachel.
Ross: Mom no, come on! Thank you.
Mrs. Geller: Just hear me out!
Ross: N-no! Okay? Weve been through this! Were not gonna get married just because shes pregnant, okay?
Mrs. Geller: Honestly! Ross, this isnt just some girl you picked up in a bar and humped. A child should have a family.
Ross: Mom, yknow what? I-I cant deal with this right now. Im sorry
Mrs. Geller: Just think about it. If you dont, Ill talk more about humping.
Ross: Gimmie! (Takes the ring and puts it in his coat pocket as Rachel enters the hallway.)
Rachel: Hi!
Mrs. Geller: Oh hi dear!
Rachel: Oh, thank you so much for coming. Ross, get in here!
(Mrs. Geller leaves as Ross re-enters the room.)
[Scene: The Waiting Room, Ross is explaining to the gang what happened with his mother.]
Ross: she came and dragged me out of the labor room to ask me why Im not with Rachel.
Phoebe: Yeah. (Pause) Why arent you with Rachel?
Ross: Are you kidding? Look, were not gonna be together just because were having a baby. Okay?
Phoebe: But yknow what? It just seems that you two belong together.
Ross: Okay, stop it! I cant deal with this right now. I have to go have a baby.
Phoebe: Right. And with who again? (Ross exits.)
Joey: God. Hes crazy! Why doesnt he want to be with Rachel?
Phoebe: I know!
Joey: I mean seriously, shes like the perfect woman. I mean I know she turned me down, but if she hadnt and wanted to be with me, I would take her in my arms and (Realizes everyone is staring.) I havent bummed you guys out like this in a while have I?
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Ross is returning to find another couple has taken the place of Marc and Julie.]
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey. Whos that?
Rachel: New people.
Ross: What happened to the Disgustingtons?
Rachel: Theyre having their baby! Its not fair Ross we got here first! Right after you left they wheeled her off into delivery. Oh but not before she gave me a juicy shot of little Jamie just crowning away.
Ross: Wow! Sorry. So uh, how are the new people?
Rachel: Well they have uh, some unusual pet names for each other. Including umm, evil bitch and uh, sick bastard. Oh God oh! Contraction!
Ross: Yeah? Okay.
Rachel: Ooh! Ow!!
Evil Bitch: Are you looking at her?!
Sick Bastard: No!
Evil Bitch: Dont you look at her you sick bastard!
Sick Bastard: Honey I swear! I wasnt looking at her!
Evil Bitch: Shes in labor! You like that you sick son of a bitch!
Ross: Umm. Umm, Im-Im just gonna(Closes the privacy screen.)
Evil Bitch: See? See? It was because you were looking fat pervert!
Ross: No-no, Im Im sure no one was looking. Just want some privacy. (He closes the screen and stares wide-eyed at Rachel.)
Evil Bitch: You miss your girlfriend?
Ross: Just ignore them.
(Sick Bastard sits down in a chair that enables him to look around the screen and stare at Rachel.)
Rachel: Ross.
Ross: What? What?
Rachel: Hes looking at me.
Ross: (to him) Hey! You wanna live to see your baby?!
Evil Bitch: Dont you talk to my husband like that you stupid bastard!
(Ross shrugs his shoulders to Rachel and Sick Bastard closes the screen all the way.)
[Scene: Outside the Nursery, Chandler is looking at the babies as Monica walks up.]
Monica: Oh good God! If you want a baby so bad just go steal it!
(The nurse attending to the babies hears this, turns and stares at Chandler. Chandler moves Monica to the side and away from the nurse.)
Monica: What is going on with you? Since when are you so crazy about babies?
Chandler: Im not crazy about babies. Im crazy about us.
Monica: What?
Chandler: Look, weve always talked about having babies someday. Im not saying it has to be right now, but Im starting to think that we can handle it. Were good. Were really good.
Monica: We are pretty good.
Chandler: But nothing has to happen until your ready.
Monica: Well maybe Im ready now. I mean, its a little scary, but maybe its right.
Chandler: What?! Its not right! Were not ready to have a kid now!!
Monica: What?!!
Chandler: Im kidding. This is going to be fun.
Monica: So were gonna try? I mean, are we trying?
Chandler: Were trying to get pregnant. (They start kissing, but Chandler stops it.) Yknow Im not really comfortable doing this in front of the babies. So, when do you want to start trying?
Monica: Okay, hold on a sec.
Chandler: Period math?
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: Yeah.
Monica: Well, we could start trying. Now.
Chandler: Right here?
Monica: No, not here. Maybe here.
Chandler: Wait a minute, its perfect. We got a lot of time to kill and were in a building thats full of beds!
Monica: And its so clean!!
(They run off in search of a bed.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Vending Machines, Phoebe is buying a soda and Joey is shaking the candy machine.]
Joey: Come on you stupid machine! Come on!
Phoebe: Oh, it ate your money?
Joey: (looking at her) No.
Phoebe: All right, Ill see you downstairs then.
Joey: All right.
Phoebe: All right.
Joey: Hey I got one! I got one!
[Cut to the elevator lobby, Phoebe walks up and sees a man in a wheelchair with his broken leg extended.]
Man: Hi!
Phoebe: Hi.
Man: Oh uh, up or down?
Phoebe: Oh down please. (The guy tries to reach the button, but cant.) I-I hate to be a ball buster can I just do it? (She pushes the button.)
Man: Could you press up too please?
Phoebe: Sure! I feel so bad for you; I broke my leg once too.
Man: Oh yeah? Howd yours happen?
Phoebe: Well, its a long story. Its kind of embarrassing. Lets just say there was a typographical error with a sex manual. (The guy laughs.) How about you?
Man: Car accident.
Phoebe: Oh.
Man: Oh, let me guess some idiot on a cell phone wasnt paying attention?
Man: Yeah. Me. (The elevator door opens.) Oh hey, thats me. (Rolls onto the elevator.) Hey uh, I take it youre just visiting someone.
Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah.
Man: Well umm, if you have sometime yknow and maybe you might want to visit someone else
Phoebe: Oh yeah! I-I would like that.
Man: Im in the middle (The elevator door closes, cutting him off.)
Phoebe: Wait! What?! No!! Elevator!! No!
Joey: (standing behind her) Uh, you gotta press the button. (Does so.)
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Evil Bitch and Sick Bastard are gone and Ross has just finished talking to a nurse as Rachel stands and stretches.]
Ross: The nurse said theyre bringing in another woman.
Rachel: Ugh, is she pregnant yet? She doesnt need to be; shell still have the baby before I do. Oh Ross, another contraction! (Leans back on Ross for some support.)
Ross: Thats it. Thats it.
(The next couple enters.)
Woman: Oooh, that sounded like a bad one.
Rachel: Yeah it was.
Woman: Mine havent been so bad. Oh! Here comes one now. (Hums then squeals a little bit.) Oh, that was a big one!
(Rachel motions for Ross to close the privacy screen, which he does.)
[Scene: Another Waiting Room, Phoebe and Joey are trying to find out where the guy with the broken leg is.]
Phoebe: (to the nurse) Excuse me? Could you help me with something? The patient Im looking for has a broken leg and is in a wheelchair. And umm, hes like early to mid-thirties, very attractive.
Nurse: I think I know who youre talking about.
Phoebe: Oh yay! Great! Okay, what room number is he in?
Nurse: Im sorry, that information is restricted to hospital staff
Joey: (walks up) Uh, shes with me. (Introduces himself) Dr. Drake Remoray.
Nurse: Dr. Drake who?
Joey: Remoray. Its Portuguese. We need that information; Im a doctor.
Nurse: A doctor at this hospital?
Joey: Damnit woman were losing precious time! Now do you want this mans blood on your head?
Phoebe: Hands.
Joey: Hands! It is absolutely essential that you tell me what room the man my assistant described is staying in. Hes a patient of mine, Ive been treating him for years!
Nurse: Hes in room 816.
Joey: 816, thank you!
Phoebe: Thank you. (Starts to exit.)
(Joey starts to leave, but stops.)
Joey: And what is his name?
Phoebe: (coming back for Joey) No! (Grabs Joey and drags him away.)
[Scene: An Empty Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter.]
Monica: I think we found a place.
Chandler: Okay. (They start kissing.)
Monica: Umm, wait! Do you want to set the mood a little?
Chandler: Okay. Uh, well dim the lights, dim the lights. (He goes to the light switch and finds its not a dimmer switch when he flips the lights off.) Or turn them out all together. Uh, no scented candles. Okay here. Here we go. (He sprays an aerosol air freshener above her.)
Monica: Okay! Okay! Make me sterile, but okay.
(He hops onto the bed and they start making out.)
Monica: Okay. Lets hurryOh wait! Do we have a condom? (He looks at her.) Oh right! (Laughs and they resume making out when a nurse catches them in the act.)
Chandler: Yes, 98.6. Youre gonna be fine.
[Scene: Outside Room 816, Phoebe and Joey are approaching.]
Phoebe: Ooh, this is it! (Looks in the window.) Oh, thats him! Thats him!
Joey: Great! Go get him.
Phoebe: Wait a second, or maybe you can go in first.
Joey: (looks in the window) Hes not really my type.
Phoebe: No not you, Dr. Drake Remoray. You can ask him questions and see whats he like. People tell doctors everything.
Joey: But you said he was this great guy!
Phoebe: But lately all the guys I meet seem really nice at first, then they turn out to be the biggest jerks.
Joey: You do attract some stinkers.
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Dr. Long is checking on Rachel again.]
Rachel: Dr. Long, Ive been at this for seventeen hours! Three women have come and gone with their babies, you gotta give me some good news! How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?
Dr. Long: Three.
Ross: Just three?! Im dilated three!
Dr. Long: We are moving along, just slowly. (Rachel lies back and sighs.) Dont worry, youre doing great. Ill be back soon. (Exits.)
Rachel: Hey, yknow what? Im not waiting! Im gonna push this baby out! Im doing it! I mean its what? Three centimeters? Thats gotta be like this! (Holds her hands a couple inches apart.)
Ross: Actually its more like this. (Pushes her hands to less than an inch apart.)
Rachel: Oh stupid metric system!
(Another woman with a nurse and doctor enter, the woman is screaming.)
Doctor: Oh my. Were gonna need to take you straight to the delivery room.
Rachel: Oh for the love of God!
Woman Giving Birth: (yelling from the hallway) Its coming! Its coming!
Doctor: And here it is! (The baby cries.)
Rachel: Oh come on!!
[Scene: Room 816, Dr. Drake Remoray is entering.]
Joey: Hi! Im Dr. Drake Remoray and I have a few routine questions I need to ask you.
Man: Really? Ive been dealing with Dr. Wells.
Joey: I know, but Im a neurologist. And just to be on the safe side, Dr. Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview of you status so he sent me.
Man: Dr. Wells is a woman.
Joey: That was a test. Good response. All right, full name.
Man: Clifford Burnett.
Joey: Date of birth?
Cliff: November 16th, 1968.
Joey: Age?
Cliff: Cant you figure that out based on my date of birth?
Joey: Im a doctor Cliff, not a mathematician.
Cliff: Im 33.
Joey: Okay. And uh, are you married.
Cliff: No.
Joey: Oh really? So, 33 and still single, would you say you have commitment issues?
Cliff: Are all the questions this personal?
Joey: (checking the list) Yes.
Cliff: Well uh if you must know Im a widower.
Joey: Oh thats terrible. Im-Im really sorry.
Cliff: Yeah.
Joey: Hmm. Do you sleep with women and never call them again?
Cliff: No.
Joey: Excellent! Excellent! And uh, finally, are you into any weird stuff yknow, sexually?
Cliff: No!
Joey: Oooh, wrong answer. (Exits.)
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, theyre brining in yet another woman.]
Nurse: (calling to the woman) This rooms available.
Rachel: Okay! Okay wait! You listen to me! You listen to me! Since I have been waiting four women, thats four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies! Im next! Its my turn! Its only fair! And if you bring in one woman and she has her baby before me Im going to sue you! Not this hospital, Im going to sue you! And my husband (Points at Ross) hes a lawyer!
Ross: Uh Rach
Rachel: Go get back on that case honey!
Nurse: I dont think the next patient is very far along.
Rachel: Okay, well then bring her in.
(Another nurse wheels the next pregnant woman in.)
Woman: OH .MY .GAWD!!! (Uh-huh, its Janice.)
(Ross and Rachel are, needless to say, stunned at the arrival of Janice.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, continued from earlier.]
Janice: I .cant .believe this!
Ross: And yet somehow its true!
Janice: I mean this is so great! Were gonna be baby buddies! (Does the laugh.)
Ross: (To Rachel) Squeeze your legs together and cover the babys ears!
Man: (entering, carrying a pillow) Hi sweetie!
Janice: Hi! Hi sweetheart! This is my husband Sid, I dont think youve met him. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid. I nabbed him a year ago at the dermatologists office. Thank God for adult acne huh? (Does the laugh.)
Sid: I still cant believe it! Im the luckiest guy in the world!
Ross: (softly) Really?
Sid: (To Janice) Whatd he say?
Janice: Oh yknow what? You have to speak very loudly when youre talking to Sid, because hes almost completely deaf.
Rachel: Oh!
Ross: Oh there you go!
Rachel: I get it!
Janice: So? Congratulations you two, I didnt even know you got married.
Rachel: Oh we-we didnt.
Ross: No-no. We
Janice: What?!
Ross: Um uh Were-were just having this baby together but uh, uh thats all.
Janice: Why?!!
Ross: Uh well umm were just not in that place, yknow? But were very excited about this.
Janice: Oh. Well then shut me up. (Does the laugh.)
Rachel: Just tell me how.
Janice: Uh-oh, I feel another one coming. (She makes a sound like a goose during the contraction.)
Ross: Sid you lucky deaf bastard.
[Scene: Outside Room 816, Joey is briefing Phoebe on Cliff.]
Phoebe: What else? What else?
Joey: Uh, well hes 33.
Phoebe: Oh. Ah-uh.
Joey: A widower.
Phoebe: Oh.
Joey: He seemed like a stand up guy. Oh, and hes not into anything weird sexually.
Phoebe: Enter Pheebs.
[Scene: Another Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter and start making out.]
Chandler: Should we tell Rachel theres an empty private room right next door to hers?
Monica: We could, or we can have sex in it.
Chandler: Well let me think about that, while I remove my pants!
(They start making out again.)
Monica: (lying down on the bed) Okay mister! Fertilize me!
(Suddenly they hear Janice laughing, and it ruins the moment.)
Monica: Does that sound like Janice?
Chandler: If its not, then theres two of them. And that would mean its the end of the world!
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Chandler and Monica are entering to see if they in fact did hear Janice.]
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Chandler: Hi.
Rachel: Oh hi.
Monica: I cant believe this is taking so long. How are you doing?
Rachel: Oh not bad. Do you know that feeling when youre trying to blow a Saint Bernard out your ass?
Chandler: Weirdest thing. Did I hear(A nurse opens the privacy screen and Chandler sees Janice)Mother of God its true!
Janice: Chandler Bing!
Chandler: Jan-Janice!
Ross: Not just Janice, Janice in labor, contracting and everything.
Janice: Oh, this should be easy. I have a very wide pelvis. You remember Chandler.
Chandler: Janice I didnt even know you were pregnant! Whos the unwitting human whos essence youve stolen?
Janice: Its you. This is yours.
Chandler: What?!
Janice: (laughs) Look how nervous he gets! We havent slept together in years! (Laughs again.)
Chandler: Thats funny. Does it-does it hurt? Does the labor hurt?
[Scene: Room 816, Phoebe is making her move on Cliff.]
Phoebe: Okay Ive got one for you, if you had too which one would you rather eat, a seeing eye dog or a talking gorilla?
Cliff: Id have to say the talking gorilla, because at least I can explain to him that youre making me eat him.
Phoebe: Somebody went to college. Wow. (Cliff gets uncomfortable) What is it? Im sorry. (She moves her arm, which was resting on the same pillow his leg is.)
Cliff: No, Im sorry. Its just my foot itches like crazy.
Phoebe: Oh, Ill get it. (She gets up and grabs a spoon.)
Cliff: Wow! I usually get to know a girl a little better before I let her spoon me.
Phoebe: Relax, its not like were forking.
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Janice is being moved to the delivery room and is screaming in pain.]
Rachel: Oh thats five Ross. Five women have had five babies! And I have had no babies! Why doesnt she want to come out?
Ross: Yknow what I think it is? I think youve made such a nice home for her over the last nine months that she just doesnt want to leave.
Rachel: Oh. Look at you making up crap for me. Oh God! (Starts another contraction as Dr. Long enters.)
Dr. Long: Twenty-one hours, youre a hero.
Rachel: Doctor you gotta do something! I think you gotta give me drugs or you gotta light a fire up in there and just smoke it out.
Dr. Long: Actually, I think youre ready to go to the delivery room.
Rachel: What?
Dr. Long: Ten centimeters, youre about to become a mom.
Rachel: My God. Okay. (Another woman enters.) Ha-ha-ha beat ya! Sucker!
[Scene: Room 816, Phoebe and Cliff are eating some pudding with spoons.]
Cliff: Is this the same spoon that was in my cast? (Smells it.)
Phoebe: Yknow what? This one is. (Eats another spoonful of pudding as Cliff sees something on TV.)
Cliff: Oh my God! Thats the doctor who was in my room before!
Phoebe: Huh. Okay, Mr. Perkazet.
Cliff: Im telling you! The guy from that show was here in my room, asking me all these weird questions!
Phoebe: Cliff, do you really believe that a character from a TV show was here in your room?
Joey: (entering) Rachels having her baby!! (Phoebe turns and looks at him.) Which is of no interest to me, Im a neurologist.
Cliff: That-thats him! You know him?
Phoebe: Okay. Okay. IOkay umm this I-I sent my friend Joey in here to find out stuff about you. Umm yknow, if it helps you came off great. A lot better than Im coming off right now.
Cliff: I dont believe this. You got him to pretend he was some fake doctor?
Joey: Fake? Excuse me? Hello? (Taps the TV screen.)
Cliff: And then you tried to make me think that I was crazy.
Phoebe: Youre right, that was wrong. Im sorry. Im so sorry. Its just that I liked you so much. Can we just, can we just start over?
Cliff: I dont think so.
Joey: Uh, if I may? Umm-umm look, Cliff, you told me a lot of personal stuff about you, right? And maybe-maybe it would if-if would help if-if you knew some personal stuff about her. Uh, she was married to a gay ice dancer. Uh, she gave birth to her brothers triplets. Oh! Oh! Her-her twin sister used to do porn!
Phoebe: Uh Joey, were trying to dial down the crazy.
Joey: Right!
Phoebe: Umm, look we dont, we dont really know each other so it would be really easy to just forget about this, but there seems to be something between us. And I dont know about you but that doesnt happen to me a lot.
Cliff: It doesnt happen to me either.
Joey: Me neither.
[Scene: The Delivery Room, Rachel is finally giving birth.]
Dr. Long: Push. Push. Come on push for five seconds. 5 4
Rachel: 3-2-1 oh!!
Dr. Long: Okay, the next contraction should be in about twenty seconds.
Rachel: I cant. I cant push anymore, I cant.
Ross: Sweetie youre doing great.
Rachel: Oh God twenty seconds my ass!!
Dr. Long: Here we go! Okay, keep pushing! Wait! I see something.
Ross: What? You do? You do? (Looks) Oh my God!
Rachel: Dont say, "Oh my God!" Oh my God what?
Ross: What is that?
Dr. Long: Its the babys buttock, shes breech.
Ross: Oh thank God, I thought she had two heads.
Rachel: Oh God. Is she gonna be okay?
Dr. Long: Shes gonna be fine. Okay, shes in a more difficult position so youre gonna have to push even harder now. Go! Push!
Ross: Go!
Dr. Long: Rachel youre gonna have to push even harder, nothings happening!
Rachel: Im sorry, I cant!
Ross: Yes you can!
Rachel: I cant!
Ross: Hey! Hey! Come on! You can! I know you can do this! Lets go!
Rachel: I cant. Please, you do it for me.
Ross: No! Come on letsOne more time! One final push! Ready? 1 2 3! (Rachel pushes so hard her head snaps up head-butting Ross and knocking him down.)
Dr. Long: Good!
Ross: (from the floor) Keep pushing!
Rachel: Are you okay?
Ross: You have no idea how much this hurts. (All of the women in the room turn and glare at him.) Keep going! Keep going!
Dr. Long: Here we go!
Ross: Oh! Oh! Shes upside down but shes coming! Shes coming!
Rachel: Oh God!
Ross: Oh! Oh my God oh! Oh my God shes here.
(The newest friend cries.)
Ross: Oh shes shes perfect.
Rachel: Oh, shes so tiny. (Starts crying) Whered she go?
Ross: Oh its okay. Theyre just-theyre just wrapping her up.
Rachel: Okay. Well be careful with her, shes really tiny.
Dr. Long: Here she is!
(Dr. Long hands her to Rachel.)
Rachel: Oh hey you. Thanks for coming out of me. (The baby cries.) I know. Oh. Yeah. Oh, shes looking at me. Hi! I know you.
Dr. Long: Do we have a name yet?
Rachel: No, not yet.
Dr. Long: Thats fine, for now well just call her Baby Girl Green.
Rachel: Oh no, Baby Girl Geller-Green.
(Ross and Rachel look into each others eyes and kiss.)
Rachel: Hello baby girl.
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Recovery Room, Ross is taking pictures of Rachel holding the baby as the rest of the gang enters.]
Phoebe: Can we come in?
Ross: Oh, come in.
Phoebe: Hi!
Joey: There she is!
Phoebe: Oh, shes so beautiful.
Rachel: Here. (Hands her to Monica.)
Monica: Oh my God! Shes amazing. Oh, oh Im so glad you guys got drunk and had sex!
Chandler: Its incredible, I mean one minute shes inside you and then 47 hours later here she is.
Joey: (taking the baby) She looks so real! (The gang looks at him.) Yknow what I mean! Shes this whole tiny little person. She already has eyelashes and knees and uh-oh.
Rachel: What?
Joey: Oh no-no, no for I second there I counted six fingers, but one was from the other hand so were good.
Phoebe: Okay, my turn. My turn. (Joey hands her to Phoebe.) Oh! Youre so cute! Oh, I could squeeze your little head! (Pause) I wont.
(Rachel starts crying again.)
Monica: Whats the matter?
Rachel: Oh nothing I Sorry, I just cant stop crying.
Ross: The doctor says its completely normal with all the hormones. Plus, you-youre sleep deprived.
Rachel: So? You guys are all sleep deprived. I dont see you weeping because you put your slippers on the wrong feet. Oh God. (Starts to cry harder.)
Joey: Whats the matter now?
Rachel: I was reliving it.
Phoebe: Ohhh. (Hands her back to Rachel.)
Chandler: So, do you know what youre gonna call her yet?
Phoebe: Oh, wait a minute its not gonna be Baby Girl? I thought that was so original!
Ross: Uh actually, we-weve narrowed it down to two names.
Rachel: Yeah, and yknow what? I love them both, so why dont you just pick one and thatll be it.
Ross: Wow! Umm, okay uh everyone this is Isabella. (Rachel starts crying.) What?
Rachel: Thats not her name! Im sorry, she just doesnt feel like an Isabella.
Chandler: So then I guess Ferdinad is out.
Joey: What was the other one Ross?
Ross: Umm, Delilah.
Rachel: Oh great! Suddenly she sounds like a biblical whore.
Ross: So I guess were back to uh, Baby Girl.
Phoebe: Yay!
Rachel: Well what are we going to do?
Monica: Its okay honey, youll find a name.
Ross: Ugh, easy for you to say, you already know what your kids names are going to be.
Chandler: You do?
Monica: Yeah, Ive had them picked out since I was fourteen.
Chandler: Oh no, its gonna be named after some snack or baked good isnt it?
Rachel: Well tell us! What are they?
Monica: Umm, okay. If its a boy its Daniel.
Rachel: And if its a girl?
Monica: I dont want to say.
Rachel: Oh, just tell us! Were not gonna want it!
Monica: Okay. Its Emma.
Rachel: (gasps) Emma! (Looks at the baby and starts to cry.) See? I dont want it.
Monica: Take it.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Its clearly an Emma.
Rachel: Oh honey, but you love that name.
Monica: Yeah, but I love you more. Besides yknow, nothing goes with Bing. So Im screwed. I mean (Rachel hands Emma to Monica.) Oh, hi Emma. Yeah, thats you. Youre our little Em. Oh whats that honey? What? Oh, you want a little cousin? (To Chandler) You want a cousin right now?!
[Scene: A Janitorial Closet, Monica and Chandler are emerging slowly.]
Chandler: That was amazing.
Monica: I know. Hey, do you realize we may have just changed our lives forever? We may have just started a family. Nine months from now we can be here, having our own baby.
Chandler: And if not, we got to do it on a bucket.
[Scene: The Recovery Room, Rachel is putting Emma down for a nap.]
Janice: (entering) Yoo-hoo! Aaron Litman-Neurolic would like to say hello to his future bride.
Rachel: Ohhh! (Looks at Aaron and recoils in horror.) Wow! He kinda takes your breath away doesnt he?
Janice: Hes a keeper. How are you feeling?
Rachel: Oh, Im fine. (Gasps in pain as she sits down.)
Janice: Can I just say, I really admire what youre doing. Just raising her all alone.
Rachel: Oh, Im not doing it alone. I have Ross.
Janice: Oh, sure. Now. But what happens when he meets somebody else and gets married?
Rachel: Well then he gets a divorce, its Ross!
Janice: Im telling you Rachel, listen to Janice. They all say theyre gonna be there until they start their real family.
Rachel: Well IThats never gonna happen with Ross.
Janice: Oh well thats what I thought about my first husband, now Im lucky if my kid gets to spend the weekend with her father and the twins and little Ms. New Boobs.
Rachel: Really?
Janice: I hate to be the one to say it, but honey you two (Her and Emma) are on your own.
Rachel: Well Thats yknowThatsWeve been alone for the last twenty minutes were doing okay. Besides yknow what? I-IMaybe we wont be alone, cause lately I-Ithings have been happening between me and Ross, yknow? Right before I went into labor, we-we had this kiss. Yknow? So it might be the the beginning of something.
Ross: (entering) Hey Janice!
Janice: Oh hi!
Ross: Whos this little guy? (Gasps when he sees Aaron.)
Janice: Say hello to Aaron, your future son-in-law.
Ross: No-no. No.
Janice: Im gonna leave the three of you alone.
Ross: Okay.
Janice: Bye. (Exits.)
Ross: Man! Did you see the kid on that nose?
Rachel: Uh-huh. (Ross takes off his coat and sets in on a chair.) Yknow what I was, I was thinking about?
Ross: Huh?
Rachel: Umm that kiss before we left the apartment. That was some-something huh?
Ross: Yeah. Yeah, it really was. But we we gotta be careful. We we cant let that happen again, yknow?
Rachel: (pause) Right.
Ross: I mean we dont want to go down that road do we?
Rachel: No! No, of course not. No. Thats why I brought it up. (Pause) They didnt have any sodas?
Ross: Oh my God! Im sorry, I was talking to this nurse, completely forgot.
Rachel: Thats all right. (He goes to get her a soda.) And so it begins.
[Scene: Outside the Nursery, Ross is looking at Emma as Phoebe walks up.]
Phoebe: Is she in there?
Ross: Yeah. Shes putting her down now, thats her. (Points to the nurse putting Emma now.)
Phoebe: Oh!
Ross: Look at Emma!
Phoebe: I just cant decide who she looks more alike, you or Rachel?
Ross: Oh what are you kidding? Shes gorgeous, its all Rachel.
(Pause)
Phoebe: Im sorry, for the last time, why arent you two together again? (Silence from Ross.) No, I know. I know, because youre not in that place. Which would be fine, except you totally are.
Ross: Its its complicated okay?
Phoebe: Yeah thats true. Yeah, you love her. You always have. You have a child together. There is no right answer.
Ross: Look, weve been together. Okay? And then apart, and then together, and then apart, and now we have a baby. (Pause) Its just if-if we got together again and it didnt work out I could never do that to Emma. I mean she-she thinking everything(Starts to cry.) Oh thats now me. What do they put something in the water in this place? Since Rachel and I were doing really, were doing really well right now.
Phoebe: I know. I know. I know. I know, and if you try to make it more you might wreck it.
Ross: Yeah, exactly.
Phoebe: Right. (Pause) Or you might get everything youve wanted since you were fifteen.
[Scene: The Delivery Room, Rachel is in bed as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey. I just saw a woman breast feeding both of her twins at the same time; it is like a freak show up here. (Notices shes wiping her eyes.) Whats the matter?
Rachel: Nothing.
Joey: What is it? Hey!
Rachel: Really its nothing. Im just
Joey: Rach come on, what?
Rachel: Ive just been thinking about how my baby and I are gonna be all alone.
Joey: What are you talking about alone? What about Ross?
Rachel: Oh please, hell be with his real family, the twins and little miss new boobs.
Joey: Okay, how long was I watching that woman?
Rachel: Im just saying that yknow, someday Ross is gonna meet somebody and hes gonna have his own life. Right?
Joey: Yeah, I guess so.
Rachel: I just never thought I would raise this baby all by myself. Pretty dumb huh?
Joey: Hey, listen to me, listen to me you are never ever gonna be alone. Okay? I promise thats not gonna happen.
Rachel: Joey. Honey what would I do without you?
(They hug.)
Joey: You dont have to worry about that okay?
(Pause)
Rachel: Oh, hon can you grab me my other box of tissues? Theyre right on that chair under Rosss coat.
Joey: Sure.
Rachel: Okay.
(He moves Rosss coat to get the tissues and the engagement ring box Mrs. Geller gave him falls out of the pocket it was inside. Joey goes to one knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that its an engagement ring.)
Joey: My God.
Rachel: Joey.
(He turns to face Rachel on one knee with the box open.)
Rachel: (seeing the ring) Oh my God. (Pause) Okay.
(Joey is stunned.)
[Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to Rachels room.]
[Fade to black.]
Closing Credits
{Transcribers Note: As with all the cliffhangers, there was no credits scene. There will be a ninth and final season of Friends starting sometime in September. See you then, have a good summer everyone.}
End