Friends

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, 3:02 A.M., Chandler is up. There's a knock
on the door and Chandler answers it.]

Monica: (quietly) Hi!

Chandler: (quietly) Hi! (They both start kissing.)

(Joey enters and Chandler pushes her away.)

Joey: Monica? What time is it?

Chandler: Uhh, 9. (He pushes the clock into the sink.)

Joey: But it's dark out.

Monica: Well that's because you always sleep to noon, silly! This is
what 9 looks like.

Joey: I guess I'll get washed up then. Watch that sunrise. (He goes
into the bathroom.)

Monica: I'm really getting tired of sneaking around.

Chandler: I know, me too. Hey! Y'know what if we went away for a whole
weekend? Y'know we'd have no interruptions and we could be
naked the entire time.

Monica: All weekend? That's a whole lotta naked.

Chandler: Yeah, I can say that I have a conference and you can say you
have a chef thing.

Monica: Ohh, I've always wanted to go to this culinary fair that they
have in Jersey!

Chandler: Okay, y'know your not though. Let's go. (He starts for his
bedroom.)

Monica: Wait! What about Joey?

(Chandler opens the bathroom door to reveal Joey passed out on the
toilet with a toothbrush in his mouth.)


Opening Credits


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Chandler, Joey, and
Phoebe are eating breakfast.]

Monica: (entering from her room) Hey, guess what I'm doing this
weekend! I'm going to this culinary fair in New Jersey.

Phoebe: Oh weird, Chandler just told us he's got a conference there!

Monica: Oh now that-that-that's funny, it seems like Chandler's conference
could've been in Connecticut or Vermont.

Chandler: I'm not in charge of where the conference is held. Do you
want people to think it's a fake conference? It's a real conference.

Ross: (entering) Hey.

Joey: Hey!

Monica: Hey.

Ross: Is Rachel here? I gotta talk to her.

Monica: No, she's out shopping.

Ross: Damn!

Chandler: What's going on?

Ross: I told Emily to come. And I just need to y'know, talk to Rachel
about it.

Phoebe: Wait a minute! So when Emily comes you're just, you're not
gonna see Rachel anymore?

Ross: Well look, I'm just trying to focus on the "I get to see my wife,"
part, all right? And not the part that makes me do this. (He
takes a big swig of Pepto Bismol.)

Monica: Wow, so you guys are, you're never gonna be in the same room
together? How is that even gonna work?

Ross: I have no idea. I mean. But-but I assure you I will figure it out.

(They all reflect briefly on what was said.)

Joey: Doesn�t seem like it's going to work, I mean.

Rachel: (entering) Hi, guys!

Joey: Hi!

Chandler: Uh, hey!

Rachel: What's going on?

Chandler: We're flipping Monica's mattress.

Joey: So I'm thinking, basically we pick it up and then we flip it.

Phoebe: Yeah that's better than my way.

(They all agree and head to Monica's room.)

Rachel: Oh okay, hey guys, would you flip mine too?

Chandler: Aww, man! (They go into Monica's room.)

Rachel: (going through the mail) Oh look! A letter from my mom.

Ross: So, Rach, y'know-y'know how Emily's coming right?

Rachel: Oh yeah! I know.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom, Chandler is trying to listen through the door.]

Phoebe: (To Chandler) Can you hear anything?

Chandler: Oh yes, somebody just said, "Can you hear anything?"

(Joey is bent over at the waist and is looking for something under
Monica's bed.)

Monica: Hey, Joey's ass! What are you doing?

Joey: (holding a box) Well, remember when they got in that big fight
and broke up and we were all stuck in her with no food or
anything? Well, when Ross said Rachel at the wedding, I figured
it was gonna happen again, so I hid this in here.

Monica: Ooh, candy bars, crossword puzzles.

Phoebe: Ooh, Madlibs, mine! (Grabs it.)

Chandler: Condoms?

Joey: You don't know how long we're gonna be in here! We may have to
repopulate the Earth.

Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?

[Cut to the living room.]

Ross: Anyway it-it kinda-it all boils down to this, the last time I
talked to Emily.....

Rachel: (interrupting) Oh my God! My dog died!

Ross: What?!

Rachel: Oh my God, Le Poo, our dog!

Ross: Le Poo's still alive?!

Rachel: Oh God, it says he was hit by an ice cream truck and dragged
for nine-(turns over the note)-teen blocks. Oh. (They all come
out from Monica's bedroom) Oh my God.

Monica: Sweetie, we heard you crying. Please don't cry.

Rachel: It's Le Poo.

Phoebe: I know it's le poo right now, but it'll get better.

[Scene: Atlantic City, New Jersey, Chandler and Monica are about to
start their weekend of sex, sex, nothing but sex.]

Chandler: (jumping on the bed) I can't believe it! We're here!

Monica: Ooh, chocolates on the pillows! I love that!

Chandler: Oh, you should live with Joey, Roll-os everywhere.

Monica: Come here. (He does, and they kiss.) Okay, be right back.

(Goes to the bathroom and Chandler turns on the TV and finds a
high-speed police chase.)

Chandler: Oh yes! Monica, get in here! There's a high-speed car chase on!

(Monica returns, carrying a glass.)

Monica: We're switching rooms.

Chandler: (looks at what she's holding and shies away) Oh dear God,
they gave us glasses!

Monica: No, they gave us glasses with lipstick on them! I mean, if they
didn't change the glasses, who knows what else they didn't
change. (He glares at her.) Come on sweetie, I just want this
weekend to be perfect, I mean we can change rooms, can't we?

Chandler: Okay, but let's do it now though, because Chopper 5 just lost
it's feed! (He grabs their bags and sprints out.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is trying to tell Rachel about Emily's
ultimatum again.]

Ross: Hey, so uh, y'know how there's something I wanted to talk to you
about?

Rachel: Oh yeah! (Turns to face him.)

Ross: Well, y'know how I'm trying to work things out with Emily. Well,
there's this one thing. Okay, (Rachel has her back turned to the
camera, and Ross isn't looking at her.) here goes. I made a
promise that-(they cut to the other camera and Ross notices
something coming out of Rachel's nose)-Oh hey!

Rachel: What?

Ross: You're nose is bleeding!

Rachel: Oh God. (He hands her some tissues.) No! Oh not again! (Wiping
her nose.) This-this happened when my grandfather died. It's
ugh! Sorry. (She puts her head back.) Oh, okay, so I'm sorry,
what-what were you-what did you want to tell me?

Ross: Umm. (Rachel blows her nose.)

Rachel: Sorry. Sorry.

Ross: Okay, I uh, I can't see you anymore.

Rachel: Yeah, I know. It's ridiculous! I can't see you either.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's weekend, a hotel clerk is showing them
their new room.]

Hotel Clerk: I think you'll find this room more to your liking.

Chandler: Okay, great. (He grabs the remote and turns on the TV to the
chase.)

Hotel Clerk: (watching the chase) They say he's only got half a tank
left.

Chandler: Half a tank? We still got a lot of high-speed chasing to do!

Monica: We're switching rooms again.

Chandler: What? Why?

Monica: This is a garden view room, and we paid for an ocean view room.

Hotel Clerk: Our last ocean view room was unacceptable to you.

Monica: (To Chandler) Excuse me, umm, can I talk to you over here for
just a second?

Chandler: Uh-huh. (He doesn't take his eyes off the TV.)

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: (turning to face her) Yeah.

Monica: Look, these clowns are trying to take us for a ride and I'm not
gonna let 'em! And we're not a couple of suckers!

Chandler: I hear ya, Mugsy! But look, all these rooms are fine okay?
Can you just pick one so I can watch-(realizes)-have a
perfect, magical weekend together with you.

[Time lapse, Monica and Chandler have changed rooms yet again.]

Monica: Okay, this one I like!

Chandler: (watching TV, in fact, ER is on.) Nothing! It's over! Dammit!
This is regularly scheduled programming!

Monica: Can we turn the TV off? Okay? Do we really want to spend the
entire weekend like this?

Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, am I getting in the way of all the room
switching fun?

Monica: Hey, don't blame me for wigging tonight!

Chandler: Oh, who should I blame? The nice bell man who had to drag out
luggage to 10 different rooms?

Monica: I don't know, how about the idiot who thought he could drive
from Albany to Canada on a half a tank of gas!

Chandler: Do not speak ill of the dead.

Monica: We're supposed to uh, be spending a romantic weekend together,
it-it, what is the matter with you?

Chandler: I just want to watch a little television. What is the big
deal? Geez, relax mom.

Monica: What did you say?

Chandler: I said, "Geez, relax Monnnnn."

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading a magazine and has two
tissues stuck up her nose in an attempt to stop the bleeding and as
she hears Ross enter, she quickly hides her face behind the magazine
and removes the tissues.]

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Hey. Rachel, I-I-I've been wanting to tell you something for a
while now and I really, I just have to get it out.

Rachel: Okay, what's up?

Ross: Okay, y'know how you told me I should do whatever it takes to
fix my marriage?

Rachel: Yeah, I told you to give Emily whatever she wants.

Ross: And while that was good advice, you should know that what-what
she wants.

Rachel: Yeah?

Ross: ...is for me not to see you anymore.

Rachel: That's crazy! You can't do that! What are you going to tell
her? (Pause) (Realizes) Oh God. Ohh, you already agreed to
this, haven't you?

Ross: It's awful I know, I mean, I feel terrible but I have to do this
if I want my marriage to work. And I do, I have to make this
marriage work. I have too. But the good thing is we can still
see each other until she gets here.

Rachel: Ohh! Lucky me! Oh my God! That is good news, Ross! I think
that's the best news I've heard since Le Poo died!

Ross: You have no idea what a nightmare this has been. This is so hard.

Rachel: Oh yeah, really? Is it Ross? Yeah? Okay, well let me make this
a just a little bit easier for you.

Ross: What are you doing?

Rachel: Storming out!

Ross: Rachel, this is your apartment.

Rachel: Yeah, well that's how mad I am!!


Commercial Break


[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is returning from his disastrous
weekend. He throws his bag down and sits down on one of the leather
chairs, but he sits on something and picks it up and throws it away.]

Chandler: Damn Rollos!

Joey: Hey, you're back!

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: How was your conference?

Chandler: It was terrible. I fought with (Pause) my colleagues y'know,
the entire time. Are you kidding with this? (Throws away
another Rollo)

Joey: Oh, so your weekend was a total bust?

Chandler: Uh, no, I got to see Donald Trump waiting for an elevator.

Monica: (entering) Hi!

Joey: Hey, you're back too!

Monica: Yeah. Umm, Chandler can I talk to you outside for a second?

Joey: Hey, how was your chef thing?

Monica: Oh, it was awful. (To Chandler) I guess some people just don't
appreciate really good food.

Chandler: Well, maybe it was the kind of food that tasted good at first
but then made everybody vomit and have diarrhea.

Monica: Chandler! (Motions for him to come outside.)

Chandler: Monica. (Follows her out.)

[In the hall.]

Monica: Okay, I'd like to know how much the room was because I'd like
to pay my half.

Chandler: Okay, fine, $300.

Monica: 300 dollars?!

Chandler: Yeah, just think of it as $25 per room!

Monica: Urghh!!

Joey: (sticking his head out the door) What are you guys woofing about?

Monica: Chandler stole a twenty from my purse!

Joey: Nooooo!!! Y'know what? Now that I think about it, I constantly
find myself without twenties and you always have lots!

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is drinking some Alka-Seltzer. The rest of
the gang, minus Rachel is there as well.]

Ross: You should've seen the look on her face. I don't want Rachel to
hate me! I don't know what to do.

Joey: You want my advice?

Ross: Yes! Please!

Joey: You're not gonna like it.

Ross: That's okay.

Joey: You got married too fast.

Ross: That's not advice!

Joey: I told ya.

Ross: I'm going to the bathroom. (Gets up and exits.)

Joey: Man, if anyone asked me to give up any of you, I couldn't do it.

Chandler and Phoebe: Yeah, me either.

Monica: Maybe I could do it.

Rachel: (entering) Hi!

Joey: Hi, Rach.

Chandler: Hi!

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Rachel: Look, I know you guys heard about the whole thing with me and
Ross but y'know, I've been obsessing about it all day and I'd
just love not to talk about it. All right?

Joey: I-I-I don't know if this falls under this category, but uh, Ross
is right back there. (Points over his shoulder.)

Rachel: That's not Ross!

Phoebe: Oh no! Not that guy! He does look like him though.

Chandler: Okay, Ross is in the bathroom.

Rachel: Oh my God, its happening. It's already started. I'm Kip.

Joey: Hey, you're not Kip!

Rachel: (To Joey) Do you even know who Kip is?

Joey: Who cares? You're Rachel! (To Chandler) Who's Kip?

Chandler: Kip, my old roommate, y'know we all used to hang out together.

Joey: Oh, that poor bastard.

Rachel: See? Yeah, you told me the story. He and Monica dated when they
broke up they couldn't even be in the same room together and
you all promised that you would stay his friend and what
happened? He got phased out!

Monica: You're not gonna be phased out!

Rachel: Well, of course I am! It's not gonna happen to Ross! He's your
brother. (To Chandler) He's your old college roommate. Ugh, it
was just a matter of time before someone had to leave the group.
I just always assumed Phoebe would be the one to go.

Phoebe: Ehh!!

Rachel: Honey, come on! You live far away! You're not related. You lift
right out.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV.]

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Hey, Mr. Bing. That uh, hotel you stayed at called. Said someone
left an eyelash curler in your room.

Chandler: Yes that was mine.

Joey: 'Cause I figured you'd hooked up with some girl and she'd left it there.

Chandler: Yes that would have made more sense.

Joey: Y'know, I-I don't even feel like I know you anymore man! All
right, look, I'm just gonna ask you this one time. And whatever
you say, I'll believe ya. (Pause.) Were you, or were you not on a
gay cruise?!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on couch and Rachel is getting
some coffee. Phoebe keeps turning her head from to keep from looking
at Rachel.]

Rachel: Phoebe? (She turns her head further away.) I'm sorry about the
whole lifting out thing. (Moves over next to her.) You gotta
come with me!

Phoebe: Come where?

Rachel: Wherever I go. Come on you and me, we'll-we'll start a new
group, we're the best ones.

Phoebe: Okay, but try and get Joey too.

Ross: (entering) Pheebs, you mind if I speak to Rachel alone for a sec?

Phoebe: Oh, sure! (She gets up to leave.) Bye Ross! (Whispering behind
his back.) Forever.

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Hi. What are you doing here? Isn't this against the rules?

Ross: I talked to Monica, look, I'm the one who made the choice. I'm
the one who's making things change, so I should be the one to
y'know, step back.

Rachel: Oh, Ross...

Ross: No, no, it's okay. Really. They're plenty of people who just see
their sisters at Thanksgiving and just see their college
roommates at reunions and just see Joey at Burger King. So is, is
that better?

Rachel: No, it's not better. I still don't get to see you.

Ross: Well, what-what would you do? Rach, if you were me, what-what
would you do?

Rachel: Well, for starters I would've said the right name at my wedding!

Ross: I can't believe this is happening.

Rachel: I know.

Ross: I am so sorry.

Rachel: I know that too.

Joey: (entering) (He clears his throat to get their attention.) Hey,
Rach? Sorry to interrupt but umm, Phoebe wanted me to talk to
you about a trip or something.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is doing a crossword puzzle.]

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hi.

Chandler: I just came over to drop off...nothing. So that weekend kinda
sucked, huh?

Monica: Yeah, it did.

Chandler: So, I guess this is over.

Monica: What?

Chandler: Well, y'know, you and me, it had to end sometime.

Monica: Why, exactly?

Chandler: Because of the weekend, we had a fight.

Monica: Chandler that's crazy! If you give up every time you'd have a
fight with someone you'd never be with anyone longer than...
Ohhh! (They both realize something there.)

Chandler: So, this isn't over?

Monica: (laughs) You are so cute! No. No, it was a fight. You deal with
it and move on! It's nothing to freak out about.

Chandler: Really? Okay. Great!

Monica: Ohh, welcome to an adult relationship! (She goes to kiss him.)

Chandler: (stops her) We're in a relationship?

Monica: I'm afraid so.

Chandler: Okay.

(They kiss.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Joey, and Chandler are
there as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Oh hey, Monica, I heard you saw Donald Trump at your convention.

Monica: Yeah, I saw him waiting for an elevator.

(Joey thinks that sounds familiar, but dismisses the thought.)

Monica: Hey, Rach, can I borrow your eyelash curler, I think I lost mine.

Rachel: Yeah, it's in there. (Points to the bathroom.)

(Joey puts two and two together.)

Joey: (shocked) Oh! Ohh! Oh!!

Chandler: Joey, can I talk to you for a second? (He grabs him and starts
to drag Joey into Monica's room.)

Joey: Oohh!! Ohh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh-oh!!

(Chandler pushes him through the door and Monica closes it behind them.)

[Cut to Monica's room, Chandler tackles Joey onto her bed and tries to
cover his mouth.]

Joey: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Chandler: Yes. Yes. (Lets him up.)

Joey: (To Chandler) You?! (To Monica) And-and you?!

Monica: Yes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one knows!

Joey: How?! When?!

Chandler: It happened in London.

Joey: IN LONDON!!!

Chandler: The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want
to make a big deal out of it.

Joey: But it is a big deal!! I have to tell someone!

(They both grab him and stop him.)

Chandler: No-no-no-no-no! You can't!

Monica: Please? Please?! We just don't want to deal with telling
everyone, okay? Just promise you won't tell.

(Joey thinks it over.)

Joey: All right! Man, this is unbelievable! I mean, it's great, but...

Monica: I know, it's great!

(She goes over and kisses Chandler.)

Joey: Aww, I don't want to see that!

[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel.]

Phoebe: We're so stupid! Do you know what's going on in there? They're
trying to take Joey!


Ending Credits


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang, minus Ross are playing Madlibs.
Phoebe is reading hers.]

Phoebe: The most popular Phoebe in tennis is called the overhand
Phoebe. And if you win, you must slap your opponent on the
Phoebe and say, "Hi, Phoebe!"

Monica: Oh that's cute! We really all enjoyed it. But y'know, it
doesn't count.

Phoebe: Count for what?

Monica: Count in our heads as-as good Madlibs.

(They putting their notepads down and get up to leave.)

Joey: I guess I'm done.

Chandler: Fun's over!

Monica: Wait-wait, guys! If-if we follow the rules, it's still fun and
it means something!

Rachel: Uh-huh!

Joey: I think I'm gonna take-off.

Monica: Guys, rules are good! Rules help control the fun! (They all
leave and close the door on Monica.) Ohhh! (Throws her notepad
down in disgust.)

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