<link rel="stylesheet" href="../../../css/skel.css" /> <link rel="stylesheet" href="../../../css/style.css" /> <link rel="stylesheet" href="../../../css/style-desktop.css" />

Friends

Friends is an American television mockumentary that premiered on ABC on September 23, 2009, which follows the lives of families.


The One With The Fake Monica
Originally written by Adam Chase and Ira Ungerleider.
Transcribed by guineapig.

[Pre-intro scene: Monica and Rachel's. Everyone is looking at papers]

Joey: How could someone get a hold of your credit card number?

Monica: I have no idea. But look how much they spent!

Rachel: Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that
you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.

Monica: I know. It's just such reckless spending.

Ross: I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of
already thrown caution to the wind.

Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.

Monica: That's me.

Phoebe: Oh! The yuk! Ross, he's doing it again! [Points to a lamp
which is shaking behind the sofa]

Ross: Marcel, stop humping the lamp! Stop humping! Now Marcel, come
back- [Marcel runs toward Rachel's room] come here, Marcel-

Rachel: Oh no, not in my room! I'll get him.

Monica: Ross, you've got to do something about the humping.

Ross: What? It's, it's just a phase.

Chandler: Well, that's what we said about Joey...

Ross: Would you all relax? It's not that big a deal.

Rachel: [Out of shot] Stop it! Marcel! Bad monkey!

Ross: What?

Rachel: Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious.

[Intro]

[Scene 1: Monica and Rachel's, late at night. Mon is still up
examining her bill. Rachel emerges from her room]

Rachel: Oh, Monica. You are not still going over that thing.

Monica: This woman's living my life.

Rachel: What?

Monica: She's living my life, and she's doing it better than me! Look
at this, look. She buys tickets for plays that I wanna see.
She, she buys clothes from stores that I'm intimidated by the
sales people. She spent three hundred dollars on art supplies.

Rachel: You're not an artist.

Monica: Yeah, well I might be if I had the supplies! I mean, I could
do all this stuff. Only I don't.

Rachel: Oh, Monica, c'mon, you do cool things.

Monica: Oh really? Okay, let's compare, shall we.

Rachel: [Yawning] Oh, it's so late for 'Shall we'...

Monica: Do I go horseback riding in the park? Do I take classes at the
New School?

Rachel: [Yawning] Nooo...

Monica: This is so unfair! She's got everything I want, and she
doesn't have my mother.

[Scene 2: Central Perk. Joey and Chandler are discussing stage names]

Chandler: How about Joey... Pepponi?

Joey: No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name
that's more neutral.

Chandler: Joey... Switzerland?

[The waitress brings their coffee]

Joey: Plus, y'know, I think it should be Joe. Y'know, Joey makes me
sound like I'm, I dunno, this big. [Waitress looks at him
funny] Which I'm not.

Chandler: Joe...Joe...Joe...Stalin?

Joey: Stalin...Stalin...do I know that name? It sounds familiar.

Chandler: Well, it does not ring a bell with me...

Joey: [Writes it down] Joe Stalin. Y'know, that's pretty good.

Chandler: Might wanna try Joseph.

[Joey visibly thinks 'Of course!' and writes it down]

Joey: Joseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that!

Chandler: Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph
Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof.

[Scene 3: Mon+Rach's. Mon is there, enter Phoebe and Rachel]

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: Hi. [On the phone] Hi, uh, yes, this is Monica Geller. Um, I
believe I'm taking some classes with you and I was wondering
what they were.

Phoebe: What are you doing?

Monica: [Hushes her] Alright, great. Thanks a lot. [Hangs up] I'm
going to tap class.

Rachel: What, what, so that you can dance with the woman that stole
your credit card?

Monica: This woman's got my life, I should get to see who she is.

Rachel: Go to the post office! I'm sure her picture's up! ...Okay,
Monica, y'know what, honey, you're kinda losing it here! I
mean, this is really becoming like a weird obsession thing.

Phoebe: This is madness. It's madness, I tell you, FOR THE LOVE OF
GOD, MONICA, DON'T DO IT!! ...Thank you.

[Scene 4: Tap class. The girls are standing at the door]

Monica: What d'you think?

Phoebe: Lotsa things.

[They go in and sit down]

Rachel: Which one do you think she is?

[The teacher comes up to them]

Teacher: May I help you?

Monica: Oh, no thanks, we're just here to observe.

Teacher: You don't observe a dance class. You dance a dance class.
Spare shoes are over there.

Rachel: What does she mean?

Phoebe: I think she means [Imitates] 'You dance a dance class'. Oh,
c'mon, c'mon. [They put on some spare shoes]

Monica: Okay, d'y'see anybody you think could be me?

Teacher: [To the class] People! Last time there were some empty
yoghurt containers lying around after class. Let's not have
that happen again!

Rachel: She could be you.

[Music starts]

Teacher: Let's get started. Five, six, a-five six seven eight...

[Everyone starts to dance in unison. Monica flounders]

Monica: Okay, I'm not getting this!

Phoebe: [Dancing in a swirly, Phoebe kind of way] I'm totally getting
it!

Monica: Did you ever feel like sometimes you are just so unbelievably
uncoordinated?

[Rachel taps into view; she is in perfect sync with the rest of the
class]

Rachel: What? You just click when they click.

Teacher: Alright people, now everyone grab a partner.

[The girls are unsure how to pair off. Phoebe settles it]

Phoebe: Okay. And, my, dead, mother, says, you, are, it. I'm with
Rachel.

Monica: Great. It's gym class all over again.

Phoebe and Rachel: Aww.

Teacher: Well that's all right, you can come up to the front and
dance with me.

Monica: Why don't I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare.

[She starts to walk very slowly toward the front of the room. The
teacher grabs her hand and pulls her. Suddenly a woman bursts in]

Woman: It's okay, it's okay, I'm here, I'm here. Sorry I'm late, okay,
here I am. Who's the new tense girl?

Teacher: She's your partner.

Woman: Hi. I'm Monica.

Monica: Oh. Monica! ...Hi. I'm Mo- ...nana.

Woman [Fake Monica]: Monana?

Monica: Yeah. It's Dutch.

Fake Monica: You're kidding! I-I spent three years in Amsterdam.
[Asks her something in Dutch]

Monica: Um, Pennsylvania Dutch.

Teacher: And we're dancing. A-five, six, seven, eight...

[Cut to Central Perk. Ross has just arrived]

Ross: [Mortified] Hi.

Chandler and Joey: Hey.

Joey: Where've you been?

Ross: At the vet.

Chandler: She's not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic
cones, is she?

Ross: She says Marcel's humping thing's not a phase. Apparently he's
reached sexual maturity.

Joey: [To Chandler] Hey! He beat ya.

Ross: She says as time goes on, he's gonna start getting agressive and
violent.

Chandler: So what does this mean?

Ross: I'm gonna have to give him up.

[Commercial]

[Scene 5: Central Perk- time lapse. The guys are sitting like the
Three Wise Monkeys]

Joey: I can't believe it, Ross. This sucks!

Chandler: I don't get it, I mean, you just got him. How can he be an
adult already?

Ross: I know. I know. I mean, one day, he's this little thing, and
before you know it, he's this little thing I can't get off my
leg.

Joey: Isn't there any way you can keep him?

Ross: No, no. The vet says unless he's in a place where he has regular
access to some... monkey lovin', he's just gonna get vicious.
I've just gotta get him into a zoo.

Joey: How do you get a monkey into a zoo?

Chandler: I know that one! ...No, that's Popes into a Volkswagen.

Ross: Well, we're applying to a lot of them. Naturally our first
choice would be one of the bigger state zoos, y'know, like,
uh, San Diego... right? But that might just be a pipe dream,
because, y'know, he's out of state. Uh, my vet, uh, knows
someone at Miami, so that's a possibility.

Chandler: Yeah, but that's like two blocks away from the beach. I
mean, it's a total party zoo.

[Enter Phoebe, Monica and Rachel]

Phoebe: Hey. We found her, we found the girl.

Chandler: What?

Joey: Did you call the cops?

Rachel: Nope. We took her to lunch.

Chandler: Ah. Your own brand of vigilante justice.

Ross: What?! Are you insane? This woman stole from you. She stole.
She's a stealer.

Monica: Y'know what? After you're with this woman for like ten
minutes, you forget all that. I mean, she is this astounding
person, with this- with this amazing spirit.

Ross: Yeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader.

Chandler: ...Take off their hats!

Phoebe: Popes in a Volkswagen! ...I love that joke.

[Scene 6: Monica and Rachel's. Mon, Rach and Fake Monica are there]

Rachel: No way. No way did you do this.

Fake Monica: Monana was very brave.

Monica: It was so wild. We told them we were the Gunnersens in room
six fifteen. Only to find out the Boston Celtics had taken
over the entire sixth floor!

Fake Monica: So once they caught on to the fact that we're, y'know,
short and have breasts...

Monica: ...They threw us out! I was thrown out of a hotel! Me!

Rachel: Go Monana! Well, you ladies are not the only ones living the
dream. I get to go pour coffee for people I don't know. Don't
wait up. [Exits]

Fake Monica: Oh, by the way, tomorrow we're auditioning for a Broadway
show.

Monica: 'Scuse me?

Fake Monica: There's an open call for Cats. I'm thinking we go down
there, sing Memories and make complete fools of ourselves.
Whaddya say?

Monica: Nononononono. Think who you're dealing with here. I mean, I'm
not like you. I-I can't even stand in front of a tap class.

Fake Monica: Well, that's just probably 'cause of your Amish
background.

Monica: What?

Fake Monica: Well, you're Pennsylvania Dutch, right?

Monica: Right. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I was shunned.

Fake Monica: I-I used to be just like you. And then one day I saw a
movie that changed my life. Did you ever see Dead Poets'
Society?

Monica: Uh-huh.

Fake Monica: I thought that movie was so incredibly... boring. I
mean, that thing at the end where the kid kills himself
because he can't be in the play? What was that?! It's
like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community
theatre. I walked out of there and I thought, 'Now,
that's two hours of my life that I'm never getting back'.
And that thought scared me more than all the other crap I
was afraid to do.

Monica: Wow. Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs. Doubtfire.

[Scene 7: Mon+Rach's, later. Everyone but Joey and Monica is there]

Ross: [Reading letters] Oh God. [To Marcel] We didn't get into
Scranton. [To the others] That was like our safety zoo. They
take like dogs and cows. See? I don't know who this is harder
on, me or him.

Phoebe: I'd say that chair's taking the brunt.

Ross: Marcel! Marcel! Marcel, no! Good boy. See, how can nobody want
him?

Rachel: Oh, somebody will.

[Enter Joey]

Joey: You know there already is a Joseph Stalin?

Chandler: You're kidding.

Joey: Apparently he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all
these people. You'd think you would've known that!

Chandler: Y'know, you'd think I would've.

Joey: Phoebe. Whaddyou think a good stage name for me would be?

Phoebe: ...Flame Boy.

[Scene 8: Central Perk. Ross is talking to Dr. Baldhara, a zookeeper]

Ross: Where exactly is your zoo?

Dr. Baldhara: Well, it's technically not a zoo per se, it's more of an
interactive wildlife experience. Let me ask you some questions
about, is it, uh, Marcel?

Ross: Yes.

Dr. Baldhara: Does he, uh, fight with other animals?

Ross: Nono, he's, he's very docile.

Dr. Baldhara: Even if he were... cornered?

Ross: Well I, I don't know. Why?

Dr. Baldhara: Uh, how is he at handling small objects?

Ross: He can hold a banana, if that's whatcha mean...

Dr. Baldhara: How about a hammer, or a small blade?

Ross: Why- why- why would he need a blade?

Dr. Baldhara: Well, if he's up against a jungle cat or an animal with
horns, you've got to give the little guy something.
Otherwise it's just cruel.

[Chandler and Joey burst in, with Marcel]

Chandler and Joey: He- he- he got in, he- he got in to San Diego.

Joey: We, we come back from our walk and the- the phone was ringing-

Chandler: -He's in.

Ross: He's in! Oh, did you hear that, Marcel? San Diego. San Diego!

Dr. Baldhara: You're making a big mistake here. I mean, San Diego's
all well and good, but if you give him to me, I'll start
him off against a blind rabbit and give you twenty
percent of the gains.

[Scene 9: Monica and Rachel's. Rachel is dusting. She comes to the
table, lifts all the magazines and wipes under them, then just puts
them down again. Monica bursts in, obviously drunk]

Monica: Yo- hooo!

Rachel: Where the hell've you been?

Monica: Monica and I just crashed an embassy party.

Rachel: Are you drunk?!

Monica: Noooo! [Comes closer and whispers] I'm lying. I am so drunk.

Rachel: Oh God, oh. Great, Monica, y'know what, you could've called, I
have been up here, I've been worried...

[Monica is drinking from the tap]

Rachel: Monica? Monica!

Monica: Water rules!

Rachel: Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the restaurant called, they
wanna know if you're gonna be showing up for work?

Monica: Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today.

Rachel: Okay Monica, what are you doing? You're gonna lose your job!
This is not you!

Monica: No, it is me! Y'know, I'm not just the person who needs to
fluff the pillows and pay the bills as soon as they come in!
Y'know, when I'm with her, I am so much more than that. I'm-
I'm Monana!

[The phone rings and Rachel answers]

Rachel: Hello? Yes, she is, hold on a second, please. Monana, it's for
you, the credit card people.

Monica: Helloooo? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks.

Rachel: What?

Monica: They've arrested Monica.

[Scene 10: NYC Department of Correction. Monica is visiting Fake
Monica]

Monica: Hi.

Fake Monica: Hey.

Monica: How are you?

Fake Monica: I'm not too bad. Fortunately, blue's my colour. How- how
did you know I was here?

Monica: Because... I'm Monica Geller. It was my credit card you were
using.

Fake Monica: That I was not expecting.

Monica: I want you to know, it wasn't me who turned you in.

Fake Monica: Oh. Thanks.

Monica: No, thank you! You have given me so much! I mean, if it
wasn't for you, I would never have gotten to sing Memories on
the stage at the Wintergarden Theatre!

Fake Monica: Well, actually, you only got to sing 'Memo-'.

Monica: I just can't believe you're in here. I mean, what am I gonna
do without you? Who's gonna crash the embassy parties with me?
Who's gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus?

Fake Monica: Monica, I started my day by peeing in front of twenty-five
other women, and you're worried about who's gonna take
you to the Big Apple Circus?

Monica: Well, not... worried, just... wondering.

Fake Monica: There's nothing to wonder about, Monica. You're gonna go
back to being exactly who you were, because that's who
you are.

Monica: Not necessarily...

Fake Monica: Yes necessarily! I mean, I dunno what it is, maybe it's
the Amish thing.

Monica: Um, I'm not actually Amish.

Fake Monica: Really? Then why are you like that?

[Scene 11: Tap class. Monica is standing by the door]

Teacher: You by the door. In or out?

Monica: In. [She joins in the dancing. She still flounders]

Teacher: You in the back, you're getting it all wrong!

Monica: Yeah, but at least I'm doing it!

[Scene 12: The airport. Everyone but Monica is there to see off
Marcel]

PA: This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to San Diego,
boarding at gate 42A.

Phoebe: Okay. Goodbye, little monkey guy. Alright, I wrote you this
poem. Okay, but don't eat it 'till you get on the 'plane.

Ross: Aww. Thank you, Aunt Phoebe.

Phoebe: Oh!

Chandler: Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know there's gonna be a lot of
babes in San Diego, but remember, there's also a lot to
learn.

Joey: I dunno what to say, Ross. Uh, it's a monkey.

Ross: Just, just say what you feel.

Joey: Marcel, I'm hungry.

Ross: That was good.

Rachel: [Brings Marcel a teddy bear] Marcel, this is for you. It's,
uh, just, y'know, something to, um, do on the 'plane.

Ross: Uh, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to take a moment, just me
and him.

All: Oh, sure. Sure, absolutely. [They just stand there, then realise
what he means and go to the other end of the room]

Ross: Marcel, c'mere, c'mere. [He sits down and Marcel jumps down and
sits beside him] Well buddy, this is it. There's just a coupla
things I want to say. I'm really gonna miss you, and I'm never
gonna forget about you. You've been more than just a pet to me,
you've been more like a be- [Marcel climbs down and starts
humping his leg] Okay, Marcel, please, could you leave my leg
alone? Could you just stop humping me for two seconds?! Marcel,
would- okay, just take him away. Just take him.

[Marcel is put in a cage and taken away. Closing credits]

[Credits scene: A casting session somewhere]

Actor: [Very melodramatically, and very badly] Oh, that I were a glove
upon that hand, that I might... touch thy cheek...

Casting Director #1: That's fine, thank you.

Casting Director #2: Next. [Joey walks onstage]

Joey: Hi, uh, I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio.

Casting Director #2: Name?

Joey: Holden McGroin.

 
END



1