Friends
Friends is an American television mockumentary that premiered on ABC on September 23, 2009, which follows the lives of families.
The One With Chandler and Monicas Wedding
Part I Written by: Greg Malins
Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Parts I & II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Monica: Do you realize this is probably the last time well all be here in the coffee house as six single people?
Phoebe: Why?! Whats happening to the coffee house?! (Monica looks at her.) Oh! (Realizes.)
Chandler: Yep! From now on its gonna be the four of you guys and me and the mrs. The little woman. The wife. The old ball and chain.
Monica: Old?
Chandler: The young hot ball and chain.
Monica: Thats much better.
Rachel: (checking her watch) Op! We gotta go! (The girls stand up.)
Ross: Oh, where are you guys going?
Monica: Were gonna pick up the wedding dress, then were gonna have lunch with mom. (Joey stands up.)
Ross: Ah. Joey, youre-youre having lunch with my mom?
Joey: No, I-I just heard lunch. But yeah, I can go. Sure! (They all exit.)
Ross: (To Chandler) Yknow what? Actually Im kinda glad theyre leaving cause uh, I need to talk to you about something.
Chandler: Whats up?
Ross: Well this uh, this may be a little awkward.
Chandler: Listen, if you want to borrow money, its kind of a bad time. Im buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night.
Ross: No, its Its not that. Umm, now what Im going to say to you, Im not saying as your friend. Okay? Im-Im saying as it as Monicas older brother.
Chandler: But youre still my friend?
Ross: Not for the next few minutes.
Chandler: During this time are you, are you still my best man?
Ross: Nope.
Chandler: Do I still call you Ross?
Ross: Okay! You guys are getting married tomorrow and-and I couldnt be more thrilled for both of you, but as Monicas older brother I-I have to tell you this. If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down and kick your ass! (Chandler laughs.) What? Im-Im-Im serious! (Chandler laughs harder.) ComeHey! Dude! Stop it! Okay? Im-Im not kidding here!
Chandler: (smiling) Hey, I hear what your saying, okay? And, thanks for the warning.
Ross: No problem.
Chandler: So are we friends again?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Okay. (Pause) You wont believe what Monicas older brother just said to me!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the girls are having breakfast.]
Rachel: Whatcha doing Mon?
Monica: Im making a list of all the things that are most likely to go wrong at the wedding. Now, that way I can be prepared.
Phoebe: What are they?
Monica: Well, so far I have uh, my bridesmaids' dresses wont get picked up, my veil gets lost, or I dont have my something blue.
Rachel: Hey! Those are all the things Im responsible for!
Monica: I had to go with the odds Rach.
Joey: (entering) Hey! You guys! Remember that audition I had a while ago and didnt get the part?
Rachel: The commercial?
Joey: No!
Phoebe: That play?
Joey: No!
Monica: That other play?
Joey: Nooo!
Phoebe: The movie?
Joey: Yes!!
Phoebe: Ohh!
Joey: Yes, thats the one about the soldiers who fight in World War I!
Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Back then yknow, we called it the Great War. It really was!
Joey: Well anyway, the guy they wanted backed out and now they want me! I start shooting today!
Phoebe: Congratulations!
Rachel: Oh thats great!
Monica: Wait! Wait! Wait! You cant start today! Todays the rehearsal dinner!
Joey: Oh no, Ill be done by then.
Monica: Oh. Well then way to go, you big movie star!
Joey: I know! All right, Ill see you guys over there! Im off to fight the Nazis.
Rachel: Oh, wait Joey! We fought the Nazis in World War II, not World War I.
Joey: Whoa! Okay. Yeah well, who-who was in World War I? (Rachel pauses as she thinks.)
Phoebe: Go ahead.
Rachel: Youre gonna be late! Go! Go! (He runs out.)
Monica: Who did we fight in World War I?
Rachel: Mexico?
Phoebe: Yes! Very good.
[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, Joey is in costume and standing at the craft services table. He checks his pockets and finds some prop coins in a pouch, which he replaces with some cookies.]
The Assistant Director: (approaching) Hey Joey! Were ready.
Joey: Yeah! Me too. (He pats his pocket.)
The Assistant Director: (to another actor) Richard? Were ready for you. (Richard approaches.) Joey Tribbiani? This is Richard Crosby, hes playing Vincent.
Joey: Im doing my scenes with you?
Richard: Nice to meet you Joey.
Joey: Wow! I cant believe this! This is incredible. I mean you just won an Oscar!
Richard: No I didnt.
Joey: I think you did.
Richard: I think I lost. Three times.
Joey: Uh Cookie?
The Director: (approaching) Okay! Were about an hour away from getting the scene lit. So uh, if you guys dont mind, can we run it a couple of times?
Richard: Yeah, sure.
The Director: Okay, all right. Lets do it. (He walks off.) And Action!
Joey: We have to find the rest of the platoon!
Richard: Forget the platoon! The platoon is gone! (He is spitting on the hard Ps and Ts.)
Joey: (wiping his face) What?!
Richard: (still spitting) The platoon is dead! Face facts Tony!
Joey: (wipes face) So what are we gonna do?! We have no reinforcements! No-no food!
Richard: No, we still have food in the basement! I saw potatoes and some dry pasta!
(Joey wipes his eye.)
The Director: Hang on a minute! Joey, you keep touching your face. Is something wrong?
Joey: (glances at Richard) No. Nope, I uh I thI thought it might be kind of a cool character thing. Yknow? Hes uh, hes a face toucher. (Behind his back, Richard is nodding no.)
The Director: I dont think so. Lets take it back to Richards last line. (Walks off.) Action!
Richard: We may not have any weapons, but we still have food. In the basement I saw potatoes and some dry pasta, and a few tins of tuna! (Joey backs away and wipes his face again.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is standing in the kitchen ready to leave for the rehearsal dinner.]
Monica: Honey, we gotta go!
Chandler: (entering from the bedroom) Okay. Heres a question you never have to ask. My dad just called and wanted to know if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces.
Monica: (laughs) I dont have anything like that, but let me go see if Rachel does.
Chandler: Yes, include more people in this.
Monica: Hey, do you realize that at this time tomorrow well be getting married?
Chandler: Wait a minute! I have a date tomorrow night.
Monica: I just, I cant believe that we made it!
Chandler: Well you dont have to sound so surprised.
Monica: Im sorry but nothing.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Well honestly ever since we got engaged I have been waiting for something to.. to flip you out.
Chandler: Honestly? Me too.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah. Yknow I keep thinking that something stupid is gonna come up and Ill go all Chandler. But nothing has.
Monica: Ohh, Im so glad. Thank you so much for staying so calm during this. I mean its really, its made me stay calm. (Chandler just looks at her.) I coulda been worse!
Chandler: Okay. Ill be right there.
(She exits and as Chandler picks up his coat, the phone rings and the answering machine gets it.)
Monica: (voice on answering machine) Hi! If youre calling before Saturday, youve reached Monica and Chandler. But if youre calling after Saturday, youve reached Mr. and Mrs. Bing! Please leave a message for the Bings!
(Chandler freaks out and loosens his tie.)
[Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner, Chandler and Monica are greeting guests as they arrive. A woman enters.]
Monica: Hey Maureen! (They hug.) Gosh! Hey uh, Chandler? This is my cousin Maureen.
Chandler: Were the Bings.
(Phoebe and Rachel walk up.)
Rachel: Hi! Oh you guys look so beautiful!
Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Bing! (Walks away.)
Ross: (walks up) Wow Monica! Hey, just so you know I had my uh, older brother chat with Chandler.
Monica: What is that?
Ross: Well I I told him that if he ever hurt you I would hunt him down and kick his ass! (The girls all laugh.) What?! What?! What is the matter with everybody?! I am serious! I would kick his ass! (The laugh harder.)
Phoebe: Ross, please! My make-up! (He walks away angrily.)
(Chandlers Mom enters and Chandler meets her by the door.)
Chandler: Hi.
Mrs. Bing: Chandler!
Chandler: Mom. Thanks for wearing something. (They hug.) (Shes wearing a tight dress with a lot of cleavage showing.)
Mrs. Bing: Oh honey! This is so exciting! I thought we screwed you up so bad this day would never come. Oh and just think. Soon therell be lots of little Bings. (He freaks out and loosens the tie again.)
(Monica and her parents walk up.)
Monica: Mrs. Bing? Here, these are my parents umm, Judy and Jack Geller.
Mrs. Geller: (shaking her hand) Its lovely to meet you.
Mr. Geller: (shaking her hand) So are you his mother or his father?
Mrs. Geller: Jack!
Mr. Geller: What?! Ive never seen one before!
Monica: Dad! Theres Ross (points), why dont you go talk to him?
(Mr. and Mrs. Geller start to walk away.)
Mr. Geller: I didnt even have a chance to act as though Im okay with it!
Mr. Bing: (entering) Hello all!
Chandler: Hi dad.
Monica: Hi Mr. Bing.
Mr. Bing: Nora!
Mrs. Bing: Charles.
Monica: It-its so great to see you both here.
Mr. Bing: Yes! Although, I think we may be seeing a little too much of some people. Arent you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?
Mrs. Bing: Dont you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?
Chandler: Oh my God! (He and Monica walk away.)
[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller talking to Ross.]
Mr. Geller: of course you can kick his ass son.
Mrs. Geller: You could kick anyones ass you want to.
Ross: Thanks you guys. (Walks away happily and his parents smile.)
[Cut to Monica.]
Monica: Oh, Rach! Rach! Umm hey, could you do me a favor and would you talk to Chandlers dad and try to keep him away from Chandlers mom?
Rachel: Yeah! But I dont know what he looks like!
Monica: He is the man in the black dress.
Rachel: Man in the black dress (Monica walks away and Rachel looks around to find a woman in a black dress.) (To her) Hi! Im Rachel! Im a friend of Monica and Chandlers!
Woman: Im Amanda.
Rachel: Oh I get it! A man duh!
Ross: (clinking a wine glass) Can I have everyones attention please? Im uh; Im Ross Geller.
Mr. Geller: Doctor Ross Geller.
Ross: Dad dad, please! As I was saying umm, Im Dr. Ross Geller. Uhh, and Im the best man. And uh, this marriage is doubly special for me umm, because not only is the groom my best friend but uh, the bride is my little sister. And, shes the greatest sister a guy could ask for. So if youd all please join me in raising a glass to the, the couple were here to celebrate. (Everyone does so.) To the Bings.
All: To the Bings!
(Everyone clinks glasses and Chandler freaks out again.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are in the kitchen.]
Monica: All right, Im gonna go steam my wedding dress okay? Who wants the responsibility of making sure nothing happens to it?
Rachel: Ill do it.
Monica: Who wants it? Anybody?
Rachel: I said Ill do it!
Monica: Nobody wants to do it? All right, Ill do it myself.
Rachel: Monica! Im not gonna screw it up!
Monica: Yknow what? Youre right, Im sorry. Actually you were a big help tonight. Yeah, and thanks for putting my grandmother in the cab and making sure she got to the hotel safely.
Rachel: Well of course that is what Im here for!
Monica: Okay. Sorry. (Monica goes into the bathroom.)
Rachel: Ugh! (To Phoebe) What grandmother?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is wearing sunglasses and as he exits his bedroom, Ross enters the apartment.]
Joey: Hey! Where have you been?
Ross: Oh, taking my parents back to the hotel.
Joey: Oh.
Ross: What? Are you going back to work?
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: Nice shades.
Joey: Thanks. Yeah, I figure if I wear these in my scenes at least I wont get spit in the eyes, yknow?
Ross: And if I remember correctly, Ray Ban was the official sponsor of World War I!
Joey: Great! All right. Ill see you later. (He starts to leave.)
Ross: Hey, wheres Chandler?
Joey: Uh, I think hes in Rachels room. See ya. (Exits.)
Ross: (going up to Rachels closed door) Chandler? (He opens the door and looks inside and doesnt see him.) Chandler? (He checks the bathroom and still doesnt find him. He then finds a note on the counter. He picks it up and reads it.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe and Rachel are in the kitchen as there is a knock on the door. Rachel answers it.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Is uh, is Monica here?
Rachel: Shes steaming her dress, why? Whats up?
Ross: I think Chandlers gone. (He hands her the note.)
Rachel: What?!
Ross: He left that.
Rachel: (reading the note) Tell Monica Im sorry.
Phoebe: (walking up) Whats up? (Rachel hands her the note and she reads it.) Tell Monica Im sorry. (Pause) Tell her yourself!
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Hallway, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel are discussing the note.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! Chandler just left though!
Rachel: Yeah but, maybe its not what we think. Maybe its tell Monica Im sorry I drank the last of the milk.
Phoebe: Or maybe he-he was writing to tell her that-that hes changed his name, yknow? Tell Monica Im sorry.
Ross: I think it means he freaked out and left!
Phoebe: Dont be so negative! Good God! Isnt it possible that Sorry is sitting in there (Joey and Rachels apartment) right now?!
Rachel: Okay. Phoebe, I-I think Ross is right. What are we gonna do?
Ross: LookOkay, Im just gonnaIm gonna have to go find him and bring him back! Okay? You-you make sure Monica does not find out, okay?
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: (pointing at Ross) Okay but if you dont find him and bring him back, I am gonna hunt you down and kick your ass!
(Ross laughs and Phoebe points harder.)
Ross: (scared) I will, I will find him.
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is getting his make-up touched up as Richard approaches.]
Richard: Hey Joey, could you uh, go through these lines with me? (Hes holding a script.)
Joey: Oh man! They-they just redid my make-up!
Richard: Just the last two pages.
Joey: Alright.
(They go onto the set.)
Richard: I found the picture!
(Hes still spitting and Joey holds his script in front of his face.)
Joey: Picture? What picture?
Richard: Could you uh, could you lower your script? I need to see your face so I can uh, play off your reaction.
Joey: Okay uh, look I know youre a great actor, okay? And you play all those Shakespeare guys and stuff
Richard: Oh, thanks.
Joey: But youre spittin all over me man!
Richard: Well of course I am!
Joey: You know youve been spitting on me?!
Richard: Thats what real actors do! Annunciation is the mark of a good actor! And when you enunciate, you spit! (Spits on the t)
Joey: (wiping face) Wow! Didnt know that.
Richard: Great!
Joey: Thanks! Okay-okay check it out! (Reading from the script) Picture? What picture? (He pauses then spits) Eh?
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is behind the counter as Ross enters looking for Chandler.]
Ross: Gunther have you uh, have you seen Chandler?
Gunther: No. No, I havent seen him.
Ross: Oh damn!
Gunther: Hes getting married tomorrow, right?
Ross: Yes. Yes. Dont worry. Everythings fine. Well uh, well see you tomorrow at the wedding.
Gunther: I wasnt invited.
Ross: Well then, well-well see you the day after tomorrow. (Walks away slowly, but notices something.) Mom?! Dad?! (Theyre sitting by the window.) What-what what you guys doing here?!
Mr. Geller: Well, you kids talk about this place so much, we thought wed see what all the fuss is about.
Mrs. Geller: I certainly see why the girls like coming here.
Ross: Why?!
Mrs. Geller: The sexy blonde behind the counter. (She waves at Gunther who waves back.)
Ross: (shocked) Gunther?!
Mr. Geller: Your mother just added him to her list.
Ross: What? Your-your list?
Mrs. Geller: Yeah, the list thatof people were allowed to sleep
Ross: Yes! No-no! I know, I know what the list is! Mom! Look if you see Chandler, could you just let him know Im looking for him?
Mr. Geller: And if you see Rita Moreno, let her know Im looking for her.
(Ross points at him and exits.)
[Scene: The Movie Set, Richard and Joey are doing a scene.]
The Director: Action!
Richard: I found the picture!
Joey: What picture?!
Richard: The picture of my wife! In your pack!
Joey: You went through my personal property?
Richard: Why do have a picture of Paulette in your pack?!
Joey: (pause) Because Vincent, we were lovers. (Pause) For two years!
The Director: Cut! Wonderful!
(Joey and Richard both wipe their faces and are given towels.)
Joey: Great scene yeah?
Richard: Oh youre awesome! And, in that last speech? You soaked me.
Joey: Thanks a lot.
The Assistant Director: (To Joey) Heres your call sheet for tomorrow.
Joey: Oh, Im-Im not working tomorrow.
The Assistant Director: You are now.
Joey: No! No! I cant! You gotta get me out of it! Ive got plans! (Spits.) Important plans! (Spits on the Ps.)
(The AD walks away wiping his face.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the next morning, Rachel and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]
Rachel: (closing the door) Ross said theres still no word from Chandler.
Phoebe: Oh man.
Rachel: Oh but he did say that they found the grandmother wandering down fifth avenue.
Phoebe: Okay. Well theres one down.
Monica: (entering from her room, excitedly) Im getting married today!!! (She trips and falls.) (Getting up) I think I just cracked a rib. But I dont care because todays my wedding day! My day is finally here!! (Runs back into her room.)
Phoebe: Yknow she might not even notice hes gone.
Monica: (re-entering) Im gonna start getting ready! (Goes back into her room.)
Rachel: God! DontWe cant let her start getting ready! This is too awful! Oh God, but wait shell be in the gown and then he wont show up and then shes gonna have to take off the gown
Phoebe: Shhh! Stop it! Stop it Rachel! You cant do this here! (She drags her into the bathroom.)
Rachel: Im sorry. Im sorry. Its just Its just so sad!
Phoebe: Yeah, but youve got to pull yourself together! Monica cant see you like this! Then shell know somethings wrong!
Rachel: I know. I know. Oh God. (Looking around) Theres no tissue! Can you grab me some toilet paper?
Phoebe: Yeah. (Looks.) Oh, thats gone too. This is Monicas bathroom right?!
Rachel: Oh!
Phoebe: No-no! I-I I found one.
Rachel: Okay.
(Phoebe reaches into the trash can, pulls one out, and hands it to Rachel.)
Rachel: Oh thank you! (Wiping her nose.) Oh God! (She throws it out.) Can I have another one?
Phoebe: (looking into the trash can) Sure. (Reaching into the trash can.) Do you need some floss? (Grabs a piece of it.)
Rachel: Oh God I just cannot imagine what is gonna happen if Chandler doesnt show up!
Phoebe: Oh heres a whole bunch.
Rachel: Oh, I mean shes gonna be at the wedding waiting for him and people will be whispering, "Oh that poor girl." Yknow? Then shell have to come back here and live all alone.
Phoebe: (finding something interesting in the trash can) Oh my God!
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: There was a pregnancy test in the garbage, and its positive. Monicas pregnant. (Rachel covers her mouth.) So I guess she wont be totally alone.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers bathroom, the scene is continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Oh my God!
Phoebe: I know! Monicas gonna have a baby! Hey, can this count as her something new?
Rachel: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Hey, do you think this is why Chandler took off?
Rachel: No, she had to have just taken that test because I took out the trash last night.
Phoebe: Oh God, this is turning into the worst wedding day ever! The bride is pregnant. The groom is missing. And Im still holding this. (She throws the test back into the trash.)
Rachel: Okay Phoebe, we cannot tell anyone about this.
Phoebe: Right.
Rachel: Okay?
Phoebe: Yeah, okay. Hey, wait. Do you know what kind of birth control she was using?
Rachel: No. Why?
Phoebe: Just for the future, this is hardly a commercial for it.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is just hanging up the phone as Rachel and Phoebe enter.]
Rachel: Anything?
Ross: No! I talked to Joey on the set, he hasnt heard from him. I-I-I talked to Chandlers parents again!
Phoebe: You told them he was missing?
Ross: No! I made it seem like I was just calling to chat. Pretty sure, they both think Im interested in them.
Rachel: All right, weve got to tell her hes gone. (Starts to leave.)
Ross: No! Hey! Hey! We cant!
Rachel: Ross, shes gonna start getting ready soon!
Ross: Well, cant you at least stall her a little? Ill-Ill go back to some of the places I went last night.
Rachel: All right, well how much time do you need?
Ross: Well how much time before she absolutely has to start getting ready?
Rachel: One hour.
Ross: Give me two.
Rachel: Then why do you ask?!
(They all go into the hallway.)
Ross: Okay, wish me luck.
Phoebe: Okay. Im going with you.
Ross: Why?!
Phoebe: Ross, youre tired. Youve been looking all night. And clearly you suck at this.
Rachel: All right, Ill see you guys later.
Phoebe: Okay. Wait, do you know how youre going to stall her?
Rachel: Ill figure something out.
Phoebe: All right. Good luck.
Rachel: Thanks.
(Phoebe and Ross go to look for Chandler and Rachel enters Monica and Chandlers.)
Monica: Hey! Okay, so I thought wed start with my make up and then do my hair.
Rachel: Okay uh, but before you do that. I-I, I need you to talk to me.
Monica: About what?
Rachel: Umm Im never gonna getting married!
Monica: Yeah you will! The right guy is just around the corner! Okay, are we done with that?
Rachel: No Monica! Im serious! Oh, maybe I should just forget about it. Become a lesbian or something.
Monica: Any woman would be lucky to have ya.
Rachel: Well maybe it would make me feel better if I slept with Joey.
Monica: (jumping up) Rachel! You okay?
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is reporting for work.]
Joey: Excuse me, Aaron? (The director turns around.) Hi! Umm, I have a little problem with the schedules. Originally, I wasnt supposed to work today, and I have this wedding that I really have to be at. Its my best friends, and Im officiating so I really cant work past four.
The Director: Joey, you gotta stay until the end. We cant stop filming just for you. Its not like its your wedding. (Starts to walk away.)
Joey: Im having surgery!
The Director: What?!
Joey: Yeah, I-I just made up the stuff about the wedding because I didnt want you to worry about me. But, Im having surgery today.
The Director: What kind of surgery?!
Joey: Transplant.
The Director: But youre supposed to work on Monday.
Joey: Hair transplant.
The Director: But youre not bald.
Joey: Its not on my head.
The Director: Look Joey, theres nothing I can do. Besides, youre probably gonna be out by four anyway. Weve just got one short scene. Its just you and Richard, and God knows hes a pro. Youll be fine. (Walks away and sees Richard entering.) Morning Richard.
Joey: Hey! Youre here! Great! Great! Great! Lets get going buddy, weve got a scene to shoot!
Richard: Im wearing two belts.
Joey: Are you drunk?
Richard: No!
Joey: Yes you are!
Richard: All right.
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Ross are exiting a pizza place.]
Ross: We are never gonna find him! Hes one guy in a huge city!
Phoebe: Oh my God! Is that him? (She points at someone.)
Ross: That is an old, Chinese woman!
Phoebe: He could be in disguise, yknow.
Ross: Aw, yknow Yknow, maybe were-were just approaching this all wrong. If youre Chandler and-and you wanna hide, where is the last place on Earth people would think youd go?
[Cut to an office building.]
Ross: So this is your office?
Chandler: How did you guys find me? I knew I shouldve hid at the gym!
Phoebe: What the hell are you doing?!
Chandler: Panicking! And using the Internet to try to prove that Im related to Monica. How is she?
Ross: Shes fine. She doesnt know youre gone. And she doesnt have to know, okay? Now come on, were going home.
Chandler: No! No! No! I cant do that!
Phoebe: Why not?!
Chandler: Because if I go home, were gonna become the Bings! I cant be the Bings!
Ross: Whats wrong with being the Bings?
Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages! They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games!
Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?
Chandler: No.
Ross: Then you are neither of your parents!
Chandler: Its not just their marriage! I mean, look at yours. Look at everybodys! The only person that can make marriage work is Paul Newman! And Ive met me; I am not Paul Newman. I dont race cars! I dont make popcorn! None of my proceeds go to charity.
Phoebe: But look Chandler, right now no-one has a lower opinion of you than I do. But I totally believe you can do this.
Chandler: I want to. I love her so much, but Im afr Its too huge.
Ross: Yknow, okay. Youre right. It is huge. So why dont we take it just a little bit at a time? Okay? Umm, forget getting married for a sec; just forget about it. Can you just come home and take a shower?
Chandler: Well yeah, but then
Ross: (interrupting him) YeahNo-but-but-but-but! Were just gonna go home and take a shower. Now, thats not scary right?
Chandler: Depends on what you mean by we.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is still trying to stall Monica.]
Rachel: The nights are the hardest. (Checks her watch.) But then the day comes! And thats every bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes again
Monica: (interrupting) The days and nights are hard! I get it! Okay? Look umm, Rachel Im sorry! I have to start getting ready! Im getting married today!
Rachel: I know. At dusk. Thats such a hard time for me.
Monica: (getting up) Im gonna go put my make-up on, we have to be at the hotel in an hour! (Starts for the bathroom.)
Rachel: Okay. But wait!
Monica: What?!
Rachel: Lets go to lunch.
Monica: I cant go to lunch!!
Rachel: Right.
(Monica goes into the bathroom and Rachel thinks quickly.)
Rachel: Oh good God! Ive fallen down! (She trips and falls.)
Monica: (entering) Whats going on?
Rachel: Okay. Alright. (Gets up.) Honey listen. When I tell you what Im about to tell you, I need you to remember that we are all here for you and that we love you.
Monica: Okay, youre-youre really freaking me out.
Rachel: We cant find Chandler (Phoebe sticks her head and motions that they found Chandler)s vest. We cant find Chandlers vest.
Monica: How can that be?! Oh wait! Wait! Are you, are you serious?!
Phoebe: (entering) Found the vest! I mean were gonna have to keep an eye on it, yknow make sure we dont lose it again
Rachel: Oh!
Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Dont scare me like that okay? I mean for a minute there I was like, "Oh my God! The worst has happened!"
(Monica goes into the bathroom and Phoebe and Rachel breathe a sigh of relief.)
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey and Richard are in the middle of a scene. They are both holding swords.]
Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!
Richard: That can be arranged.
(Richard thrusts, misses Joey by several feet and Joey screams in pain and drops to his knees.)
The Director: Lets reset.
Joey: What?! He got me! Owwwwww!!!
The Director: Lets take it from there.
Richard: (To Joey) Are you a little off today? Its going terribly slowly.
Joey: Look, my best friends are getting married in like an hour. Okay? And Im the minister. Please! Please! Can you pull it together?
Richard: Of course! Im-Im sorry. I-Id hate you to miss anything like that on account of me. I can do this!
Joey: Thank you. Thank you.
The Director: Still rolling, annnnd action!
Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!
Richard: Now, that can be arranged! (He brings his sword back and drops it, causing it to fly over the wall.) Slippery little bugger!
[Scene: The Hotel, Monicas room, Mr. and Mrs. Bing are staring at each other while Phoebe looks on.]
Phoebe: So-so you two were married huh? What happened? You just drift apart?
(Rachel and Mrs. Geller enter.)
Mrs. Geller: Here comes the bride.
(Monica enters wearing her wedding dress.)
Phoebe: Oh my God Monica!
Monica: I wanna wear this everyday.
Rachel: You look so beautiful.
Monica: (starting to cry) Im so happy for me.
(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)
Rachel: Hello?
Joey: (on phone) Hey! Did Chandler show up yet?
Rachel: Yeah, we got him back. Everythings fine.
Joey: Damnit!
Rachel: What? Why? Where are you?
Joey: Im still on the set!
Rachel: Joey! The wedding is in less than an hour!
Joey: I know! Im sorry! The guys drunk, they wont let me go until we get this.
Rachel: Oh my God! Im gonna have to find another minister.
Joey: No! No, Im the minister! Alright, look-look, put em both on the phone, Ill marry them right now.
Rachel: Ugh! Joey, I have to go.
Joey: Hey! Dont you hang up on me! Ill marry you and me right now! I have the power!
(She hangs up anyway.)
[Scene: Chandlers Hotel Room, Ross is getting Chandler ready.]
Ross: There you go. You put on a tuxedo! Now that wasnt so scary, was it?
Chandler: No.
Ross: Im telling you, just a little bit at a time.
Chandler: Yeah okay. Well, whats the next little bit?
Ross: Getting married. (Chandler panics.) Okay. Okay. You can, you can do that too! Just like youve done everything else!
Chandler: Yeah. Youre right. Hey I-I can do that.
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Okay, excuse me for a minute. (Starts to leave)
Ross: WhHeyWhoa-whoa, where, where you going?!
Chandler: Ross, I am not gonna run away again! I just want to get a little fresh air.
Ross: Okay.
Chandler: Okay.
(Chandler goes out into the hall and lights up a cigarette.)
Chandler: Oh fresh air!
(He hears Phoebe and Rachel coming and hides in the ice machine room.)
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Wait! Maybe, maybe youre overreacting! You do that yknow.
Rachel: Well Phoebe, we gotta do something! (They turn the corner.) Well, yknow. I mean theres no way Joeys gonna make it in time. So Im gonna go through the hotel and see if theres any other weddings going on.
Phoebe: Okay. Oh but dont tell them Monicas pregnant because they frown on that.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Okay.
(They head in separate directions and Chandler emerges and hes so shocked that his cigarette is hanging from his lip.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Hotel, Rachel is walking through the ballroom area and comes upon the sign for the Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding.]
Rachel: Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding, excellent! {Its a good thing Jennifer Aniston is Greek, because she had to pronounce those names. Luckily for me, they were written on a sign.}(The happy couple emerges.) Congratulations. (To the best man and maid of honor) Mazel Tov! (The rabbi emerges.) Hi! Oh, great hat. (Hes wearing an interesting hat and she takes him over to talk.) Listen umm, I need you to perform another wedding. Can you do that?
The Rabbi: I dont know. Are they Greek Orthodox?
Rachel: Yeah! Yeah. Theyre theyre-theyre my friends, uh, Monica Stephanopolus and uh, and Chandler Acidofolus.
[Scene: Monicas Hotel Room, Chandler and Monicas parents and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hi! (To Mrs. Bing) Hi! (Mr. Bing starts rubbing his arm.) Hi. Has umm, anyone seen Chandler?
Mr. Geller: I thought he was with you.
Ross: He-he was with me umm, were playing a little game, yknow? Hide and seek.
Mr. Geller: You cant ask us son, thats cheating.
Ross: (pause) Youre right, thanks for keeping me honest dad.
Mrs. Geller: Well, he better not come by here. He cant see the bride in the wedding dress.
Mrs. Bing: As I recall when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding dress.
Mr. Bing: But that was after the wedding, its not bad luck then.
Mrs. Bing: Honey, it isnt good luck.
(Monica enters.)
Ross: Oh my God! Monica!
Monica: I know! Hey, hows Chandler doin?
Ross: Great. Hes doing great. Dont you worry about Chandler.
Monica: Are you okay?
Ross: Uh-huh.
Monica: Well, youre-youre sweating.
Ross: These-these are beads of joy.
Monica: Oh thats sweet. Dont touch me.
Ross: Uh Phoebe, can I see you for a second?
Phoebe: Yeah!
(They both go out into the hall.)
Phoebe: Whats going on?
Ross: Chandlers gone again!
Phoebe: Oh my God! Why would you play hide and seek with someone you know is a flight risk?!
(Ross just glares at her.)
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is walking up to the director, pleading with him to let him go.]
Joey: Aaron! You gotta let me go. The guys hammered!
The Director: Im sorry Joey, as long as hes here and hes conscious were still shooting.
(He walks away and Joey does Rosss fist thing. He then enters Richards dressing room, to find Richard cutting his steak with his sword.)
Richard: You wouldnt happen to have a very big fork?
Joey: So I uh, I just talked to the director. Thats it, were done for the day.
Richard: Well have we finished the scene?
Joey: Yeah! You you were wonderful.
Richard: As were you.
Joey: So I got your car, its right outside.
Richard: Why? Are we done for the day?
Joey: Thats what you told me.
Richard: Oh, thank you. Youre welcome. (He stands up, staggers to the couch, and starts to lie down.)
Joey: No-no-no! We gotta go! Come on! (Joey picks him up in a firemans carry and carries him out.) Here we go.
Richard: Is that my ass? (Hes looking at Joeys.)
(And as Joey walks out the door, Richard grabs a bottle of Scotch, just as the door closes and carries it with him.)
[Scene: The Hotel, Phoebe and Ross are looking for Chandler.]
Ross: (turning a corner) There he is!!
Chandler: What?
(Ross runs over and tackles him.)
Phoebe: Hey! Oh!
Ross: Youre not getting away this time mister! Unless you want that ass kicking we talked about!
Chandler: Ross! (He starts to get up.)
Ross: Hiiii-Ya!! (Chandler lies back down.) Im serious! Youre not walking out on my sister!
Chandler: (standing up) Thats right! Im not!
Ross: Then where the hell have you been?!
Chandler: I know about Monica.
Phoebe: You know?!
Ross: What?
Chandler: Yeah, I heard you and Rachel talking.
Ross: What?! What?! Talking about what?!
Chandler: You dont know?
Ross: Know whatIf somebody doesnt tell me whats going on right now
Phoebe: What? Youll hi-ya?
Chandler: Monicas pregnant.
Ross: Oh my God. Oh my God! And youre-youre youre not freaking out?
Chandler: Well I was! Then I went down to the gift shop because I was out of cigarettes
Phoebe and Ross: Cigarettes?!!
Chandler: Big picture please! So I was in the gift shop, and thats when I uh, saw this. (He holds up a little, tiny baby jumper that reads I (heart) New York.) Yeah, yknow what? I thought anything that can fit into this, cant be scary.
Phoebe: Well you obviously didnt see Chucky 3.
Chandler: But come on, look at how cute and small this is! So I got it to give Monica so shed know I was okay.
Ross: Dude. (Hugs him.)
(Mr. Geller turns the corner.)
Mr. Geller: Way to go son! I knew youd find him!
[Scene: The moment we waited for has finally arrived. Its time for Monica and Chandlers wedding. Weve got violins playing Every Breath You Take, weve got guests seated, and Chandler starts walking down the aisle with his parents on either arm.]
Mr. Bing: Our little boy is getting married.
Mrs. Bing: Oh look at you! So handsome!
Chandler: You look beautiful mom. (His dad clears his throat.) You look beautiful too dad. I love you both. (He kisses his dad on the cheek) Im so glad you're here. (He kisses his mom.)
(He walks up onto the altar and notices the rabbi.)
The Rabbi: Are you Chandler?
Chandler: Are you Joey?
(Ross walks down the aisle with Phoebe and Rachel on his arms.)
Ross: Huh. This is nice.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: Ive never walked down the aisle knowing it cant end in divorce.
(Finally, Monica with her parents on her arms start down the aisle.)
Mrs. Geller: Oh I wish your grandmother had lived to see this.
Monica: Shes right there.
Mrs. Geller: Not that old crow, my mother. (They stop and she kisses Monica on the cheek.) Congratulations darling.
Mr. Geller: I love you sweetheart. (He kisses her and they sit down.)
(Chandler steps off the altar to greet his bride-to-be.)
Chandler: You look beautiful. Is this new? (Her dress.)
Monica: Not now.
Chandler: Okay.
(They both step up onto the altar and she notices the rabbi.)
Monica: (To Chandler) Who is this?
The Rabbi: I am Father Kalebasous.
Chandler: (in Monicas ear) Hes Greek Orthodox.
Rachel: (leaning in) As are you
The Rabbi: Let us begin. Dearly beloved
Joey: (entering) Thats my line! (He walks up the aisle and to the rabbi) I can take it from here, thanks. (To all) Dearly beloved, Im sorry Im a little late. You may be confused by this now, (Hes still in costume) but you wont be Memorial Day weekend 2002. Well, lets get started before the groom takes off again. Huh? (Monica is shocked and looks around.) We are gathered here today, to join this man and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony. Ive known Monica and Chandler for a long time, and I can not imagine two people more perfect for each other. And now, as Ive left my notes in my dressing room, we shall proceed to the vows. Monica?
(She turns to get her vows from Rachel.)
Monica: (To Rachel) He took off?
Rachel: Go on! Go on. (She turns back to Chandler.)
Monica: Chandler, for so long I I wondered if I would ever find my prince, my soul mate. Then three years ago, at another wedding I turned to a friend for comfort. And instead, I found everything that Id ever been looking for my whole life. And now here we are with our future before us and I only want to spend it with you, my prince, my soul mate, my friend. Unless you dont want to. You go!
Joey: Chandler?
(Ross leans in to give Chandler his vows.)
Chandler: (To Ross) No, thats okay. (Ross nods and retreats.) Monica I thought this was going to be the most difficult thing I ever had to do. But when I saw you walking down that aisle I realized how simple it was. I love you. Any surprises that come our way, its okay, because I will always love you. You are the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. You wanna know if Im sure? (He leans in and kisses her.)
Joey: You may not kiss the bride. So, I guess by the powers vested in me by the state of New York and the Internet guys, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Oh wait! Do you take each other?
Chandler: I do.
Monica: I do.
Joey: Yeah you do!
Ross: Rings?
Joey: Aw crap! Okayuh uh lets-lets do the rings.
(Chandler and Monica both turn, take the rings from Ross and Rachel respectively, and place them on each others fingers.)
Joey: We good? Yeah? Good? Once again, I pronounce you husband and wife. (To Chandler) Now kiss her again.
(They kiss and everyone applauds.)
Chandler: (To Monica) I love you. And I know about the baby.
Monica: What baby?
Chandler: Our baby.
Monica: We have a baby?
Chandler: Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash.
Monica: I didnt take a pregnancy test.
Chandler: Then who did?
[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel.]
Phoebe: Oh and theyre gonna have a baby.
Rachel: Uh-huh.
(The camera zooms in on Rachel who has a very worried and frightened look on her face and she slowly takes a deep breath.)
[Fade to black.]
Ending Credits
{Transcribers Note: There was no trailer for this episode. See you in season 8; which will start this fall.}
End