Dr. Odd

Step Brothers Quotes

salmon.wav

Brennan Huff (Will Ferrell): "I didn't want salmon! I said it four times!"

Brennan: "I'm not gonna call him dad."
Nancy Huff (Mary Steenburgen): "Brennan, you're 39 years old. I would not expect you to call him Dad."
Brennan: "Well, I'm not going to, ever, even if there's a fire! Robert better not get in my face... because I'll drop that motherbleep er"

scenario.wav

Dale: "Alright, here's a scenario for you, Dad. Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good. I've got a luscious V of hair going from my chest pubes down to my ball-fro. And she takes one look at me, and she goes: 'Oh, my god. I've had the old bull, now I want the young calf.' And she grabs me by the wiener..."
Robert: "Shut the bleep up!"

righthand.wav

Nancy: "Hi, Dale."
Dale: "Hey, Nancy. Could you make me a grilled-cheese sandwich?"
Nancy: "Sure."
Robert: "No. Dale just ate. He's testing you to see how much he can get away with?"
Nancy: "I see."
Dale: "I'm hungry."
Robert: "Look in your right hand. (He has a donut in his right hand)"

Brennan: "Hey."
Dale: "Hey."
Brennan: "I'm Brennan."
Dale: "I'm Dale. But you have to call me Dragon."
Brennan: "You have to call me Nighthawk."

Nancy: "Dale was telling me that he's really into kung fu and I was telling him that you're really into kung fu as well."
Brennan: "I have a green belt. Read it and weep."
Dale: "I don't believe in belts. There should be no ranking system for toughness. But one time I wrestled a giraffe to the ground with by bare hands."
Robert: "That's not true, Dale. Don't be ridiculous."

Nancy: "So, Dale, what have you been working on recently?"
Dale: "Well, I manage a baseball team."
Nancy: "Little league?"
Dale: "Fantasy league."

Dale: "I can sing too. In fact I'll sing right now. (singing) If you wanna get down on these hairy balls..."
Robert: "Hey."
Dale: "...Why don't you jump right in?..."
Robert: "Hey!"
Dale: "...It's a crotch party right up in here..."
Robert: "Stop it!"
Dale: "...Why don't you lick on this big joint?"
Robert: "Stop it, Dale! Stop it! Stop it!"

sofunny.wav

Dale: "Ha, ha. That's so funny, the last time I head that, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur."

Dale: "If there's any foods that you like, I suggest you put your name on them, or they will be thrown out... by me. Uh, house was built in 1825 by General Custer. I wanna show you this room. Um, hold up. Ho, ho! You see this room?"
Brennan: "Yeah."
Dale: "Okay, here's the deal. This is my office and my beat laboratory. Okay? And this is the one rule of the house: Don't ever, ever, ever... touch my drum set. You understand?"
Brennan: "Don't go in there and..."
Dale: "No touching!"
Brennan: "Alright!"
Dale: "There. I was about six there. You don't want to see me go to ten. Get your shit. We're going to my room."

Dale: "You and your mom are hillbillies. This is a house of learned doctors."
Brennan: "You're not a doctor. You're a big, fat, curly-headed bleep ."
Dale: "Oh, yeah?"
Brennan: "Yeah."
Dale: "I'm a curly-headed bleep ?"
Brennan: "Yeah. You better not go to sleep. As soon as your eyes shut, I'm gonna punch you square in the face."
Dale: "I hope you stay still when you sleep, because I'm putting a rat trap between your legs."
Brennan: "I'm gonna take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you."
Dale: "I want you out of my bleep ing house."
Brennan: "No way, kemosabe, this is my house now."

Brennan: "Bleep you, Dale! Bleep you!"

Dale: "Hey, man. Did you touch my drum set?"
Brennan: "Nope."
Dale: "It's just weird 'cause seems like someone definitely touched my drum set."
Brennan: "Yeah, that is weird. Because I didn't touch 'em."
Dale: "Hey! Did you touch my drum set?!"
Brennan: "Hey, knock it off!"
Dale: "I know you touched my drumstick, because the left one has a chip in it."
Brennan: "You bleep ing crazy, man? You sound insane, do you realize that? You should be medicated."
Dale: "Bleep you , Brennan. I know you touched my drum set. And I wanna hear that dirty little mouth admit it."
Brennan: "You get out of my face, or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass."
Dale: "You swear on your mom's life that you didn't touch it then!"
Brennan: "I don't have to swear to shit!"
Dale: "That's 'cause you bleep ing touched my drum set, 'cause I know Cops doesn't start till 4. Where you going?"
Brennan: "I'm going upstairs. Because I'm gonna put my nut sack on your drum set. Okay?"
Dale: "Don't do that. I am warning you right now: If you touch my drums, I will stab you in the neck with a knife!"

Dale: "Where you going?"
Brennan: "I'm going upstairs. Because I'm gonna put my nut sack on your drum set. Okay?"
Dale: "Don't do that. I am warning you right now: If you touch my drums, I will stab you in the neck with a knife!"

Brennan: "You're drum set's a whore! I teabagged your bleep ing drum set!"
Dale: "Well, my drum ste's a guy, so that makes you gay, you bleep er!"

Nancy: "What the bleep ing bleep !"

Nancy: "Today I saw my own son use a bicycle as a weapon. You yelled 'rape' at the top of your lungs."
Brennan: "Mom, I honestly thought I was gonna be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes. And at one point he said, 'Let's get it on.'"
Dale: "That was about the fighting. I am so not a raper."

Brennan: "Look, I didn't touch your drum set, okay?"
Dale: "I witnessed with my own eyes your testicles touching my drum set."
Robert: "Alright that's it! That's it!"

Robert: "Alright that's it! That's it! You two guys leave me no choice. No television for a week."
Dale and Brennan: "What?!"
Nancy: "We are so serious, guys."
Brennan: "You're bleep ing high!"
Dale: "Are you out of your mind?"
Nancy: "This goes in Robert's wall safe..."
Brennan: "Come on!"
Nancy: "...and it's gonna stay there."
Dale: "No!"
Robert: "Okay."
Brennan: "This house is a bleep ing prison!"
Dale: "On Planet Bullshit!"
Brennan: "In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!"

Brennan: "This house is a bleep ing prison!"
Dale: "On Planet Bullshit!"
Brennan: "In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!"

Nancy: "Guys. Guys! Guys!"
Brennan: "I'll kill you , Leonard Nimoy."
Dale: "The clown has no penis."
Nancy: "What kind of dreams are you guys having?"

Brennan: "You know what? I still hate you but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags."
Dale: "Yeah, I got 'em from the '70s, '80s and '90s. It's like masturbating in a time machine."

Brennan: "Hey, Derek, you know what's always good for shoulder pain?"
Derek Huff (Adam Scott): "What?"
Brennan: "If you lick my butthole."
Dale: "Snap!"

Alice Huff (Kathryn Hahn): "Hi, I'm Alice, I'm Derek's wife."
Dale: "Hi."
Alice: "Uh, is it true that you struck Derek in the face and he fell from the tree house?"
Dale: "Yeah. He asked me to."
Alice: "Oh, that's the most amazing thing I've ever heard. Um, I want you to know that tonight am gonna pleasure myself to the image of you doing that to Derek. You know what I mean? Masturbate. I am."

Alice: "Oh, Dale. You are something. You are something."
Dale: "You're something too."
Alice: "I wanna roll you up into a little ball and shove you up my vagina. You could just live there. It's warm and it's cozy."
Dale: "In your vagina?"
Alice: "I wanna walk around with you in there and just know that whenever I feel a little tickle or scratch that it's just your hair up my vagina. Please, just do it for me."
Dale: "What's happening?"

Dale: "Whoa."
Brennan: "See that black smudge right there on the blade?"
Dale: "Yeah."
Brennan: "Look at it closely. Pretty recognizable signature."
Dale: "No."
Brennan: "Randy Jackson from American Idol."
Dale: "Why do you have Randy Jackson's autograph on a martial-arts weapon?"
Brennan: "'Cause I bumped into him and all I had on me was this samurai sword and you're not gonna not get Randy Jackson's autograph, Right?"
Dale: "I would've done the exact same thing."

Dale: "Industrial-strength night-vision goggles."
Brennan: "Holy Santa Clause shit. Can you imagine if we had these when we were 12?"
Dale: "Even better. We got them when we're 40."

Brennan: "Holy Santa Clause shit."

Dale: "Let's play a game, alright? On the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur. Don't even think about it, just name it. Ready? One, two three..."
Both: "Velociraptor."
Brennan: "Favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to."
Both: "Good Housekeeping."
Brennan: "If you were a chick, who's the one guy you'd sleep with?"
Both: "John Stamos."
Dale: "What?!"
Brennan: "Did we just become best friends?"
Dale: "Yep!"
Brennan: "Do you wanna go do karate in the garage?"
Dale: "Yup!"

Brennan: "Is this a bad time?"
Robert: "What the hell's going on?"
Brennan: "Mom, Mr. Doback, okay, Dale and I were just---"
Robert: "Please stop calling me Mr. Doback. Okay?"
Brennan: "Sorry. Okay, Mom, Doback... We think it would be very prudent--"
Dale: "Can we turn our beds into bunk beds? "
Brennan: "Yes."
Nancy: "Why are you guys so sweaty?"
Dale: "Alright, we've already figured out how. The beds match up perfectly."
Brennan: "And here's the thing. It'll give us so much extra space in our room to do activities."
Dale: "Please say yes."
Robert: "You don't need permission from us to build bunk beds. You're adults. You can do what you want."
Dale: "So...?"
Robert: "I'm not making myself clear. I don't give a bleep . Now, you both have several interviews tomorrow. I would think you'd be focused on that and not building bunk beds."
Dale and Bnennan: "So...?"
Brennan: "We can? No?"
Nancy: "Yes."
Brennan: "Sweet!"
Nancy: "Yes, you can build bunk beds."
Dale: "I knew it."
Brennan: "Okay. You are not gonna regret this. We're gonna get so much more activities done."
Dale: "This is the funnest night ever! Huh, ha, ha!"
Brennan: "Huh, huh, ha!"

Dale: "Dad, Nancy, it's bad. It's so bad. There's blood everywhere. Those bunk beds were a terrible idea. Why'd you let us do that? It's so bad!"

Office Woman: "Mr. Huff, Mr. Jeener is ready for your interview."
Brennan: "Actually, we'll be interviewing as a team."
Dale: "We're here to bleep shit up."

Dale: "We're here to bleep shit up."

Dale: "Okay, here's a shot out of a cannon: Opraha, Barbara Walters, your wife, you gotta bleep one, marry one, kill one. Go!"

Interviewer: "Mr. Huff, under your references, you listed Dale Doback. Which I know is this gentlemean, but you also listed 'Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.'"
Brennan: "Yeah."
Interviewer: "Okay, we are looking for people we can contact."

Brennan: "That sounds so cool. I feel like a lightning bolt hit the tip of my penis."
Dale: "Yeah. Yeah."

Brennan: "What was he doing here?"
Robert: "We're putting tho house on the market."
Dale: "Where are we moving to?"
Brennan: "Is the house haunted?"

Brennan: "Hold on. We're not going on the boat, Derek's selling the house, we have to go to therapy?"
Robert: "Yeah."
Brennan: "What the bleep happened?"
Robert: "Hey!"

Brennan: "What the bleep happened?"
Robert: "Hey!"

Robert: "I know it seems hard, but it's the best thing for both of you. We do it because we love you."
Dale: "Dad, I'm doing this because I love you: Bleep you."

Brennan: "(A short clip of "Something To Talk About" performed a capella by Will Ferrell written by Shirley Eikhard)"

Dale: "You gotta know, I'm not just some guy. Brennan, that is the voice of an angel. Brennan, I can't even make eye contact with you right now. Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus."

Dale: "This is gonna sound weird, but for a second, I think you took on the shape of a unicorn."
Brennan: "I felt like I was hovering above my own body watching myself sing."

moveon.wav

Dale: "Now, let's move on to other business."

Brennan: "Hey, Derek, Sprechen sie dick."

Male Therapist (Ian Roberts): "Dale, I don't know how much you know about therapy but it usually starts by you telling me a little something about yourself."
Dale: "I work at a college as a janitor even though I feel like I'm smarter than most of the people that go there. Sometimes I see an equation written on a blackboard, like half an equation, and I'll just figure it out."
Male Therapist: "Is this Good Will Hunting?"
Dale: "No."
Male Therapist: "It sounds a lot like the plot of Good Will Hunting."
Dale: "Yeah, anyway. My best friend is Ben Affleck..."

Therapist Denise (Andre Savage): "So I thought we'd begin talking about your parents' divorce."
Brennan: "Okay."
Denise: "How old were you when they got divorced?"
Brennan: "Fifteen."
Denise: "That's a hard age."
Brennan: "Yes. Yeah."
Denise: "Do you wanna talk about some of those feelings?"
Brennan: "I love you."
Denise: "Obviously you don't know me."
Brennan: "I love you so much."
Denise: "Thank you. And I will take that as a feeling that you have of comfortability with me."
Brennan: "It's more than comfortability. I mean, I bleep ing love you."
Denise: "Okay. I th--"
Brennan: "I'm just thinking about our life together. I feel like I'm walking on a cloud. My penis is tingling right now."
Denise: "That is so off-putting."
Brennan: "You're not feeling this?"
Denise: "In no way, shape or form, do I feel any feelings of intimacy towards you in any way whatsoever."

Brennan: "Eat shit, Derek."

Alice: "Hi, my name is Jim. Wanna suck my dick for money?"
Dale: "No!"
Alice: "It's just me."

Alice: "Listen, I'm sick of being all coy and bashful, Dare. Okay?"
Dale: "We're in the bathroom."
Alice: "This'll just take a minute. There's really little you can do about it. Let me just hop on."
Dale: "Ah! It's all slippery."
Alice: "Ah! Ah, oh, my god! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!"
Dale: "It's getting tingly. Something's gonna happen, Alice! Ah! Uh!"
Alice: "Ah! Uh! Oh, we just had sex. Just the way I imagined it."
Dale: "I like you."
Alice: "I love you. Stay golden, Ponyboy. I gotta pee."
Dale: "Oh, my god. You're incredible."

Brennan and Dale: "(A short clip of "Boats 'n' Hos" Performed by Will Ferrel and John C. Reilly)"

Robert: "You jagaloons! You're failures! Failures!"
Brennan: "Hey, you're embarassing yourself, you geriatric bleep !"
Nancy "Brennan."
Brennan: "Two things: You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother. She's a saint! And then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000."
Nancy: "Oh, stop it. Stop it right--"
Brennan: "Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass..."
Nancy: "Brennan!"
Brennan: "...you can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces shit!"

Brennan: "And you're embarassing yourself, you geriatric bleep !"

Brennan: "You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother. She's a saint!"

Brennan: "You sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000."
Nancy: "Oh, stop it. Stop it right--"
Brennan: "Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass..."
Nancy: "Brennan!"
Brennan: "...you can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces shit!"

Brennan: "Shit!"

Nancy: "Oh, and, Brennan? Denise called and said she can't go out with you on New Year's Eve because she's not your girlfriend, she's your therapist."
Brennan: "Is' that what she said?"
Nancy: "Yeah."
Brennan: "She's a rascal."

Alice: "I couldn't eat another bite of turkey without thinking of you inside of me. Come on, let's try something illegal."

Robert: "Wanna know what I got for Christmas? Hmm? A crushed soul."

Robert: "Hey, Tiffany. Wanna know what I got? A crushed soul."
Tiffany Huff (Elizabeth Yozamp): "You mentioned that earlier."

Brennan: "What is this? What's happening?"
Nancy: "What Robert is trying to say is that we are getting a divorce."
Brennan: "Don't do this."
Dale: "No, no!"
Derek: "I gotta say, I could've called this one."
Dale: "No."
Derek: "Yeah."
Brennan: "Is it our fault?"
Dale: "Is it 'cause we were bad?"
Nancy: "Now-- Now, The main thing that Robert and I talked about is that we did not want you two to blame yourselves."
Dale: "What can we do to fix it?"

Nancy: "I cannot stress this enough: It is not your fault."
Dale: "Whose fault is it? I will-- Bleep -- I wanna bleep ing know!"
Robert: "Let's cut the shit. It is-- It is directly your fault."
Nancy: "Robert."
Robert: "You destroyed my boat. You beat me up in your sleep. And worst of all, you made Nancy and I resent each other. It is absolutely 150 percent your fault!"
Derek: "Of course it's their fault. They're the two biggest dickheads in the world, and they're living in your house."
Nancy: "Shut up, Derek."
Derek: "I'm sorry, but that--"
Nancy: "(Brennan starts crying) Please don't cry like that. Please don't, Brennan. (Now Dale starts crying as well)"

Dale: "It's just like Cold Case Files. It's just like Cold Case Files. It's just like Cold Case Files. People die everyday. Give him a proper burial in an unmarked grave. Ah! Brennan! You're alive! Oh, my god."
Brennan: "I know. I'm alive. (He hits dale in the head with the shovel)"
Dale: "You were dead. I saw you die!"
Brennan: "I was faking. I used ninja focus to slow my heart rate down."
Dale: "What are you doing? "
Brennan: "I'm burying you."
Dale: "I'm alive, Brennan, I'm alive."
Brennan: "You're waking the neighbors, shut up!"
Dale: "No, no!"
Brennan: "Now I'm gonna play your drums set."
Dale: "Help me."
Brennan: "Close your eyes. Let the dirt just shower over you. This is your fault. Oh, I'm exhausted. I'm gonna sleep good tonight."
Dale: "Don't you touch my drums!"
Brennan: "Zombie! Zombie! Zombie!"

Employment Agent (Ken Jeong): "I notice that there's a long gap in your job history and it said for 22 years you went Kerouac on everyone's ass?"

Dale: "Look, I'm gonna be honest with you. I really need a job. And I will take any position, as long as it doesn't involve having sex with old ladies for money or bear traps. Those are my two bugaboos."

Dale: "Those are my two bugaboos."

yourface.wav

Randy (Rob Riggle): "Goddamnit, I don't know what it is about your face, but I wanna deliver one of these right in your suck hole."
Brennan: "Is there anything I can do to work on that?"
Randy: "No, not really. It's your face. And I, again, you know, you're doing great, man. This is the Catalina Wine Mixer. We're all having a great time. Everybody's having fun. You pulled it off. Alright? But if you don't change your face, I'm gonna change it for you."
Brennan: "Okay, okay. All I can do is take that in, consider it, and I'll just try to do my best version of whatever I think that would be."
Randy: "I-- I don't even hear what you're saying right now, 'cause your face is driving me nuts."
Brennan: "Okay. Thanks again, though."

Brennan: "We should do this again. I think it was very constructive."

Dale: "What do you think, Brennan?"
Brennan: "I'm so scared right now. I'm just gonna-- I'm gonna do what's sensible: I'm gonna file for unemployment and I'm gonna try to get a job at Enterprise Rent-A-Car. Because they got an excellent corporate structure and they, they give you the tools to be your own boss."

Dale: "This isn't me. I'm bleep ing miserable. I had to get up at 10:00 this morning."

Robert: "Rock the bleep out of those drums, Dale!"

Alice: "Bleep ing Catalina Wine Mixer."
Derek: "It's the bleep ing Catalina Wine Mixer."
Robert: "It's the bleep ing Catalina Wine Mixer."

Derek: "Look, I'm not great at this Hallmark stuff but, uh, Brennan, when I look at you now, I don't wanna kick you in the head quite as much."
Brennan: "Thanks, man."
Nancy: "That was beautiful."
Robert: "That was nice."
Derek: "Yeah. What do we do now?"
Brennan: "We could hug."
Derek: "Yeah, you'd like that, faggot! Sorry, I'm--"

Brennan: "Robert, Mom, Derek, this is my girlfrend, Denise."
Robert: "Oh, hi, how are you?"
Denise: "Uh, actually I'm his therapist. We are in absolutely no way dating."
Derek: "Right."
Denise: "Brennan told me he was going to hurl his body off a helicopter into shark infested waters so I had a legal obligation to be here."
Nancy: "I get it. You don't wanna appear too eager, an that's a good strategy too."
Robert: "I like it."
Denise: "You are an enabler. You think you are helping but you're not."
Nancy: "And you are a keeper!"

Brennan: "What'd you think?"
Denise: "Brennan, I thought you were incredibly brave. And I mean that in strictly the most clinical and professional sense possible with no emotional, intimate, sexual or any other undertones that you could possibly infer."
Brennan: "God, you're gonna make me cry. What poem is that from? Is that James Joyce?"

Dale: "Alice, I like making sex with you. I do. But you're also married. It's over."
Alice: "This is crazy. I'm a mother. I have two children, I have a husband..."
Dale: "Okay."
Alice: "...a beautiful home. I can't be bleep ing around with you."
Dale: "Yeah, no, it was fun. It was fun, right?"
Alice: "It was fun while it lasted."
Dale: "I'm glad. Alright, well, good luck. (She starts crying) No."
Alice: "Oh, my god, Dale! Please don't leave me!"
Dale: "Oh, my god. Look at that whale."
Alice: "Where? (He runs away while she's distracted) Dale!"

options.wav

Dale: "I'm just saying, I think you gotta think about your options. I know that you are technically married now, but that does not mean that they have to live here."

Dale Doback (John C. Reilly): "Dad, we're men, okay? That means a few things. We like to shit with tho door open. We talk about pussy. We go on riverboat-gambling trips. We make our own beef jerky. That's what we do. And now that is all wrecked."
Dr. Robert Doback (Richard Jenkins): "We literally have never done any of those things."

Brennan: "Where did he go to medical school?"
Nancy: "He went to Northwestern an Johns Hopkins. Is that good enough for you?"
Brennan: "No, it's not."
Nancy: "Well, Brennan, those are very prestigious schools."
Brennan: "I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins."
Nancy: "You don't know anyone named Johnny Hopkins."
Brennan: "It was Johnny Hopkins and Sloan Kettering and they were blazing that shit up every day."

thoughtful.wav

Brennan and Dale: "Pirate hats!"
Derek: "Whoa."
Brennan and Dale: "Hustlers!"
Dale: "Dad, that was so thoughtful!"
Brennan and Dale: "Crossbows!"
Brennan: "You guys finally came to your senses and got us something cool."
Denise: "You both know this is completely bleep ed up, right?"
Robert: "Yeah."
Nancy: "Of course."
Denise: "But Brennan sure can wear the shit out of that pirate hat."

Denise: "You both know this is completely bleep ed up, right?"
Robert: "Yeah."
Nancy: "Of course."
Denise: "But Brennan sure can wear the shit out of that pirate hat."

Brennan and Dale: "Chewbacca masks!"
Brennan: "It's okay that mine's not movie-quality."

Brennan: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but I'm gonna kick you repeatedly in the balls, Gardocki!"

Brennan: "You see that white dog crap?!"
Dale: "Do you see it?!"
Chris Gardoski (Logan Manus): "Yeah."
Dale: "Not too fun down there, is it?"
Chris Gardoski: "No."
Brennan: "You see, your actions have consequences!"
Dale: "When you oppress people, they rise up in a fiery anger!"

Dale: "We're not like you! We're grownups, motherbleep er!"