Golf Humor One Liners - Top Names

 

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• If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, it means he probably shot an eight.
• You know you're a hack when your divot flies farther than your ball!
• I'm not a bad putter, I just can't catch a break.
• How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FORE!
• The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.
• The only thing that causes more cheating than golf is the income tax!
• If you golf on election day, be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
• Golf is an easy game… it's just hard to play.
  
• There are three ways to lower your golf score: take lessons, practice constantly — or start cheating.
• My doctor told me to play 36 holes a day, so I went out and bought a harmonica.
• Golfer: Do you think my game is improving? Caddie: Absolutely! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.
• The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I'm having fun.
• Why do golfers carry an extra pair of pants? In case they get a hole in one.
• Wife: I'm sick and tired of your obsession with golf! Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
• You know it's too wet to play golf when your cart capsizes.
• I enjoy shooting in the 120's. I figure I'm getting more for my money.
• Real golfers don't cry when they line up their fourth putt.
• Caddie: Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth.
• Real golfers have two handicaps: one for braggin' and one for betting'
• Golfer: This is the worst golf course I've ever played on! Caddie: This isn't the golf course, sir, we left that an hour ago.
• My golf game is so bad I had to have my ball retriever regripped.
• Q: You spend too much time thinking about golf! Do you even remember the day we got married? A: Of course I do! It was the same day I sank that 45-foot putt.
• His golf is improving. He’s missing the ball much closer than he used to!
• Oxymoron: An easy par three.
• That was a really good shot ..........................for you !!!
• Golf is like life.. you strive for the green, but end up in the hole.
• My stockbroker’s a golf nut. One day he called up and he said, “Guess what? I just broke 80! I said, “I know. I’m one of them.”
• Forget about all those “how to” books, videos and articles. The only sure way to save strokes is with an eraser!
• Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
  
• Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf. Caddie: Oh, he's played with with you, too, eh?
• Why do golfers hate cake? Because they might get a slice.
• Q: When is the course too wet to play golf? A: When your golf cart capsizes.
• Fairway: [faer-wai]: An unfamiliar tract of closely mown grass running directly from tee to the green. Your ball can usually be found immediately to the left or right of it.”
• Golf never made it as an Olympic sport. It is more properly a Special Olympic sport because everyone who enters has a handicap.
• It takes a lot of balls to golf like I do.
• How is golf like fishing? Both mysteriously encourage exaggeration.
• Q: What's the problem with my golf game? A: You're standing too close to the ball ... after you hit it.
• Golf is a game, invented by God to punish guys who retire early.
• Brand new golf balls are attracted to water, and the power of the attraction is in direct proportion to how much the balls cost.
• Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play softball.
• The only problem with golf is that the slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
• Why type of golf game did the fur traders play in the old days? A skins match.
• The higher a golfer's handicap, the more likely he is to try to tell you what you're doing wrong.
• Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
• In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
• A good golf partner is one who's always a little bit worse than you are.
• Real golfers don't miss putts, they get robbed.
  
• He claims it’s no sin to play golf on Sunday. But the way he plays, it’s a crime.
• Q: I'm ready to go for this par-5 green in two, but there's still a group on the green. What should I do? A: Well, you have two options: you can go ahead and shank it right now, or wait for the green to clear and then top the ball half way there.
• Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time, it's distracting! Caddie: This isn't a watch, ma'am, it's a compass.
• Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
• It’s easy to tell a real dedicated doctor. He can never understand how a hooker can be happy.
• Our minister was the best golfer in town. Look at all the practice he’s had in keeping his head down.
• Then there’s the Scotsman who gave up golf after 20 years. He lost his ball.
• Golf is a lot like taxes: You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
• Golfer: That can't be my ball, it looks too old. Caddie: It's been a long time since we started.
• Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
• The difference between a whiff and a practice swing is that nobody curses after a practice swing.
• Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
  
• I don’t want to excuse him of cheating, but once he had a hole-in-one and scored it as a zero.
• Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly, and the players well.
• “My game is so bad I had to have my ball retriever regripped!”
• Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
• Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
• Q: How do you like my game? A: Oh, it's a great game, but personally I prefer golf.