Check out our complete list of golf puns.
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- If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
- You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husband’s work.
- The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music.
- They call it golf because the other four-letter words were taken.
- Good at it!?! I'm Grrrrrrreeeeaaaaatttttt!!!
- Tiger always plays from the tips, sugar pop.
- Hell yeah, I'll rake your kitty box.
- I got a friend who wants to hook up with you. Meet Fluff the Magic Dragon.
- Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is the beginning of the next group of three.
- The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so that you can’t see him laughing.
- I have a tip that can take five shots off everyone’s game. It’s called an eraser.
- I went to play golf to try and shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.
- Golf is an easy game…It’s just hard to play.
- I was Sports Illustrated's "Swordsman of the Year." Twice.
- You got any Cablinasian in ya'? Want some?
- There are three roads to ruin; women, gambling, and golf. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with golf.
- I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk, and a moose.
- Tonight you're getting the full Arnold Palmer, it's half-brown, half-yellow.
- I know you can be fined for throwing a club, but I want to know if you can get fined for throwing a caddy.
- Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.
- I don’t care to join any club that’s prepared to have me as a member.
- Grass on the greens? I'm teein' it up!
- It won't be a dogleg left for long, sweetheart.
- Hell I’m going to make so much money this year, my caddy will make the top twenty money-winners list.
- If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
- A recent survey said that a caddy lives the longest of all jobs. They get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there ever is a medical emergency, there is always a doctor nearby.
- The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
- Nobody but you and your caddy care what you do out there, and if your caddy is betting against you, he doesn’t care either.
- Many golfers prefer a cart to a caddy because a cart can’t count, criticize or laugh.
- A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
- Ohh baby, don't you worry. I'll hit it fat.
- On being asked before the final round what he needed to shoot to win the tournament
- I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a bunker. For that, I have a caddy.
- Golf is a game whose aim is to get a very small ball into an even smaller hole with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.
- There are still cooches in the United States that I am not allowed play in because of the color of my skin.
- If profanity influenced the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
- An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
- I never had one thought all week. I figured my local caddy knew this course a whole lot better than me, so I just put my hand out and played whatever club he put in it. I’d say how hard do I hit it, he’d tell me and I’d swing. The guys who come down once a year and try to get smart with Mr. Jones’ course are the dumb ones.
- I was lying ten and had a thirty-five-foot putt. I whispered over my shoulder, how does this one break? My caddie says Who cares!
- I’m working as hard I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything would be perfect.
- Why am I using a new putter? Because the old one didn’t float too well.
- Golf is a game where the ball always lies poorly and the player always lies well.
- If you get caught on the course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, then hold up your one-iron; even god cannot hit a one-iron.
- Caddies are a breed of their own. If you shoot 66, they say Man we shot 66 today. But go out and shoot 77 and they say Hell, he shot 77.
- The difference between golf and government is that in golf you cannot improve your lie.
- After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the PGA Tour. Like the last time I asked my caddy for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
- Hockey is a sport for white men. Baseball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
- My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
- The golf swing is like a suitcase in which we are trying to pack one too many things.
- A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
- Time to pull the flagstick.
- You can't spell "Eldrick" without "LR Dick."
- The only time I talk on the golf course is to my caddy. And then only to complain when he has given me the wrong club.
- Ever been chili-dipped?
- Can I play through...your ass?
- A gimme can be best defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well
- I’m getting better at golf now because I’m hitting fewer spectators.
- If your caddy coaches you on the tee, ‘Hit it down the left side with a little draw,‘ ignore him. All you do on the tee is try not to hit the caddy.
- The least things upset him on the links. That last missed short putt was because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadow.
- A good golf partner is always slightly worse than you are
- Sex and golf are the only two things you can enjoy if you’re not good at either.
- Big Bertha ain't got nothin' on me!
- Make friends with your caddy and the game will make friends with you.
- A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents’ luck.
- Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
- You bring the ice chips, I'm bringing the wormburner.
- Are we playing by men’s rules today, or do we count every putt?!!
- Golf is a game where you yell “Fore”, shoot six and write down five
- If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.
- I wish I could play my normal game…just once.