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Funny Golf Tips
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- Whatever you think you're doing wrong is the one thing you're doing right.
- Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
- Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
- The newer the golf ball, the greater its desire to escape. You must beat the little thing into submission.
- The secret of golf is, use your real swing to take the big divot, use your practice swing to make the shot, and always hit the do-over first.
- Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
- Never leave your opponent with the sole responsibility for thinking of all the things that might go wrong with his shot.
- Knowing the swing weight of your club is as indispensable to playing good golf as knowing the temperature of the grass in the fairway.
- Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
- If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
- Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
- The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
- Beer and Bloody Mary's make for a better golf swing but increase 3-putts.
- To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 300mph.
- Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
- Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
- Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
- Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
- You will always hit someone else's driver better than your own...until you buy it from them.
- In golf you can’t score an eagle if you play like a turkey.
- No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
- It's often necessary to hit a second drive to really appreciate the first one
- Palm trees eat golf balls.
- When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
- Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
- "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
- The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
- Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right.
- Cart paths are tilted toward the nearest OB post.
- A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
- All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
- No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
- A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
- The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
- Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Tip three).
- There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
- All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
- If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
- An extra ball in the pocket is worth two strokes in the bush.