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Funny Golf One Liners
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- You know you're a hack when your divot flies farther than your ball!
- Real golfers have two handicaps: one for braggin' and one for betting'
- If you golf on election day, be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
- I enjoy shooting in the 120's. I figure I'm getting more for my money.
- Real golfers don't cry when they line up their fourth putt.
- The difference between a whiff and a practice swing is that nobody curses after a practice swing.
- My doctor told me to play 36 holes a day, so I went out and bought a harmonica.
- Golfer: That can't be my ball, it looks too old. Caddie: It's been a long time since we started.
- I don’t want to excuse him of cheating, but once he had a hole-in-one and scored it as a zero.
- Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time, it's distracting! Caddie: This isn't a watch, ma'am, it's a compass.
- The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.
- Q: When is the course too wet to play golf? A: When your golf cart capsizes.
- Why do golfers carry an extra pair of pants? In case they get a hole in one.
- Q: Why should you always bring two pairs of pants with you when playing a round of golf? A: Because you might get a hole in one!
- Your problem is you're standing to close to the ball... after you've hit it.
- Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes: WHACK..."Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"!...WHACK.
- Golf is a game where you yell fore, score a six, and write down five.
- Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games this year when one says to the other, " My game is so bad this year I had to have my ball retriever regripped !"
- How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FORE!
- The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I'm having fun.
- Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play softball.
- Sister in Law - up there but i know i shouldn't be
- Q: How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? A: FORE!
- Golf is a game, invented by God to punish guys who retire early.
- Golfer: Do you think my game is improving? Caddie: Absolutely! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.
- Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf. Caddie: Oh, he's played with with you, too, eh?
- Q: You spend too much time thinking about golf! Do you even remember the day we got married? A: Of course I do! It was the same day I sank that 45-foot putt.
- Q: What's the easiest shot in golf? A. Your fourth putt.
- Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
- Caddie: Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth.
- Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
- Q: How do you like my game? A: Oh, it's a great game, but personally I prefer golf.
- The higher a golfer's handicap, the more likely he is to try to tell you what you're doing wrong.
- Q: What do golf and sex have in common? A: They're two things you can enjoy even if you're bad at both of them.
- There are three ways to lower your golf score: take lessons, practice constantly — or start cheating.
- Q: What's the problem with my golf game? A: You're standing too close to the ball ... after you hit it.
- Wife: I'm sick and tired of your obsession with golf! Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
- How is golf like fishing? Both mysteriously encourage exaggeration.
- Why do golfers hate cake? Because they might get a slice.
- Q: What do you call 1,000 golfers lined up on a pebble beach holding hands? A: Pebble Beach Golf Links.
- Did you hear about the golfer who got shot yesterday? Yes, they said it was a hole in Juan.
- What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm? Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even God can't hit a 1-iron!
- Q: Why is the game called "golf"? A: Because all the other 4-letter words were already taken.
- “My game is so bad I had to have my ball retriever regripped!”
- Q: Are you a scratch player? A: I sure am - every time I hit the ball I scratch my head and wonder where it went.
- Do you know why there are 18 holes on a golf course? Because that's how long it took the Scots who invented the game to finish their bottle of whiskey!
- My golf game is so bad I had to have my ball retriever regripped.
- It takes a lot of balls to golf like I do.
- If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, it means he probably shot an eight.
- Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly, and the players well.
- Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
- Because that's how long it took the Scots who invented the game to finish their bottle of whiskey!
- Why type of golf game did the fur traders play in the old days? A skins match.
- Why do golfers always carry two pairs of trousers with them? Just in case they had a hole in one.
- Forget about all those “how to” books, videos and articles. The only sure way to save strokes is with an eraser!
- His golf is improving. He’s missing the ball much closer than he used to!
- Golfer: This is the worst golf course I've ever played on! Caddie: This isn't the golf course, sir, we left that an hour ago.
- Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
- He claims it’s no sin to play golf on Sunday. But the way he plays, it’s a crime.
- I've seen better swings on a porch.
- In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
- The only 2 balls you hit solid all day was when you stepped on a rake!
- Brand new golf balls are attracted to water, and the power of the attraction is in direct proportion to how much the balls cost.
- Golf is a lot like taxes: You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
- You know it's too wet to play golf when your cart capsizes.
- Golf is an easy game… it's just hard to play.
- That was a really good shot ..........................for you!!
- I'm not a bad putter, I just can't catch a break.
- Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day? "A golf course!!"
- Fairway: [faer-wai]: An unfamiliar tract of closely mown grass running directly from tee to the green. Your ball can usually be found immediately to the left or right of it.”
- Our minister was the best golfer in town. Look at all the practice he’s had in keeping his head down.
- A good golf partner is one who's always a little bit worse than you are.
- The only thing that causes more cheating than golf is the income tax!
- It’s easy to tell a real dedicated doctor. He can never understand how a hooker can be happy.
- Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
- Oxymoron: An easy par three.
- Then there’s the Scotsman who gave up golf after 20 years. He lost his ball.
- Golf is like life.. you strive for the green, but end up in the hole.
- Golf never made it as an Olympic sport. It is more properly a Special Olympic sport because everyone who enters has a handicap.
- Real golfers don't miss putts, they get robbed.
- Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
- Do you know why there are 18 holes on a golf course?
- Q: Why was the computer so good at golf? A. Because it had a hard drive
- Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
- Q: What’s a golfer’s favorite letter? A. Tee