Lois Griffin Quotes

Brain: Ugh, I can't beileve your serving a three year sentance, it seems so harsh.
Lois: Well, the only upside is that its given me time to think about why I ended up in here, I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in me...
Quagmire: Oh God!
Lois:...and I was tryin' to fill that hole with all kinds of expencive objects, and things...
Quagmire: Oh God!!!
Lois: ...and I felt wonderful with all those things fillin' that hole.
Quagmire: Oh God!!!!!!
Lois: I did this to myself, so im just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Quagmire: That one is also sexual.

Guy on Airplane: "Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby."
Stewie: "What did you just say?"
Lois: "Stewie, stop fussing."
Stewie: "Pipe down Lois." (Slaps guy on head) "Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, your my bitch."

Lois: Peter,why are we stopped?
Peter: Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers...
Lois: Peter for God's sakes she's havin' a baby!
Peter: Oh that's right...and a kid's meal... and uh,I, I guess I'll have fries...if I have fries is anyone else gonna have any? Cuz,uh I don't wanna be the only one eatin' them... I'll feel like a fatty.

Peter: Everybody I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.
Lois: Oh no Peter! How could they do that?
Peter: Well unfortuantely Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just gotta accept the fact that FOX has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Skin, Girl's Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda At Large, Costello, The Lone Gunman, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddy, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, And Greg The Bunny....
Lois: Is there no hope?
Peter: Well I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot.

Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankels behind your ears that would ring a few bells.

(Lois finds a note in Chris's pocket)
Lois: "Huh, what's this? You know Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pocket. She's more respectufl than that."
Stewie: "Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch."

Peter: I know something about stupid phone calls
(phone rings in house)
Lois: Hello?
Peter: I cant take the trash out today im working late at the office.
Peter: The called ID says your calling from the kitchen. In fact I can see you.
Peter: Can you see me now?
Lois: No.
Peter: Now I am at the office.

Lois: Peter, theres a hooker on the bed!
Hooker: Hi.
Peter: Stand perfectly still Lois, their vision is based on movement.
(Pause)
Hooker: Where'd you go?

Bonnie: Somebody save him, he can't swim!
Peter: Oh, he's not even kicking. Kick Joe, kick.
Lois: Peter, he's a paraplegic!
Peter: That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick Joe, kick!

Lois: Honey, what do you say we uh...christen these new sheets, huh?
Peter: Why Lois Griffin, you naughty girl.
Lois: Hehehe...that's me.
Peter: You dirty hustler.
Lois: Hehehehe...
Peter: You filthy, stinky prostitute.
Lois: Aha, ok I get it...
Peter: You foul, venerial disease carrying, street walking whore.
Lois: Alright, thats enough!

Lois: Peter, what did you promise me?
Peter: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag pa-- ... Whoa. I almost walked into that one.

Lois: I'm gonna go get some oranges Stewie. Here, hold the rest of these bags for mommy."
Stewie: Oh, what brilliant parenting Lois. Leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know I might asphyxiate myself just to teach you a lesson. Here I go. Just like that boy from INXS..(Stewie tries to put bag over top of his head.)
Stewie: I'm going to do it! (Tries to put bag over left side of his head then climbs into it and tries pulling it over his head.)
Stewie: BLAST! Good Lord Lois, either I was a c-section, or you're Wonder Woman!

Judge: Im sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
Lois: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Chris: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
Kool Aid Guy: OOOOOOOH YA!

Lois: Stewie why don't you play in the other room?
Stewie: Why don't you burn in hell?

Lois: What's going on down here?
Stewie: Oh, we're playing house.
Lois: That boy's all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house

Peter: It's a beautiful baby girl!
Carol: Oh, a girl! I'm so happy!
Peter: But it has a penis. (Picks up scalpel.) I'll take care of that.
Lois: Peter, No!

Lois: You see, our son Chris, well...
Peter: Wait, Lois, we have to handle this delicately. Our son....wants....to plow you.
Mrs. Lockheart: Oh, I thought it was something like that.

Lois: I care about the size of your penis as much as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter: Oh my God! (runs off crying)

Meg: Finally, look Mom I've had it. I'm not babysitting anymore. It's Saturday night I could be out having a life.
Lois: Meg, if you don't wanna babysit anymore that's fine, but don't you stand there and lie to me.
Peter: OH-HO Meg, she torched your ass man! She torched your ass.

Lois: Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter: Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second - RARF!
Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.

Lois: And you know what? I'm gonna take that chance my father never let me take when I was younger. I'm gonna become a model!
Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, Lois! And I'll pleasure myself to your photos.
Chris: Me too!
Meg: Me too!
Peter: Oh! Oh! God! Meg! That's sick! That's your mother!
Meg (shrugs): I'm just trying to fit in.
Peter: Get out! Get out of this house!
(Meg doesn't move. Peter punches wall.)
Peter: I SAID GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE NOW!
(Meg runs out and Peter closes the door.)
Peter: That's a good about your modeling, Lois.

Doctor: Mr. Griffin, you're fine.
Peter: Oh now you're coming on to me?
Lois: Peter, he's not coming on to you, he's telling you you're healthy!
Doctor: Can't it be both?

(Joe falls out of his chair and is about to fall farther into the sewer when Lois catches him.)
Lois: I can't hold on much longer!
Joe: Lois, pretend I'm one of your children!
(Joe starts to slip)
Joe: Not Meg!
(Lois pulls Joe to safety)

Death: Hey Lois, what did you make this cocoa out of, crap?
Lois: If you want me to make it again, just --
Death: Oh, I'm sorry. I just thought you were going to make it with milk, not crap.

Lois: Peter tell Chris that women are not objects!
Peter: Your mother's right Chris, listen to what it says.

Lois: A flight attendant? Wow, that does sound exciting. What made you change your mind?
Peter: Just my desire to see you happy.
Lois: Aww .... (hugs peter)
Peter: And to exploit your hard labour for free travel and fun.
Lois: What?
Peter: Shhh ... I didn't say anything. Go to sleep crazy lady.

Man: Wow, Lois Griffin, Hey, I love your act! Nice mellons.
Peter: Now listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding mellons.
Peter: Oh
Man: And her hooters aint bad either.
Peter: Now hold on a second.
Lois: Peter! I'm holding hooters!
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem .
(pause)
Man: Your wife's hot.
Peter: Alright that's it!

(Lois comes in through door)
Lois: Hi, Boys.
Peter: I didn' have my hand down my pants!
Lois: Hmm...Good for you. I just bought use some new sheets at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
Peter: Oh boy, I hope you stayed away from that "beyond" section.
(Cuts to scene where Peter is pushing a shopping cart into a door labeled "BEYOND."
Peter: (Swirling through vortex) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh-- Oh, here are the coffee mugs...

Lois: Peter, wake up! Our son is covered in fleas!
Peter: Thats nothing! When I was a kid, I was covered in ticks!
Lois: This isn't a compitition!
Peter: It was back then. (Glances over at trophy, "Most Ticks 1965")

Peter-YO LOIS!
Lois-WHAT?
Peter- I'm packing for Kiss-stock and I can't find my favorite underwear.
Lois-You mean the pair with the rip in the right butt check from when you stepped on them pulling them up in that airplane bathroom from when you had the trotts?
Peter-No, no the pair with the whole in the left butt check from when I held it in for two hours cuz it was an extra long Palm Sunday church sermon and I thought that blowing gas would offend jesus so I let it go in the vestabule after mass and it sounded like Louie Armstrong.
Lois-Oh! Bottom drawer.

Lois: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane....
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers!

Cleveland: Thanks for including my Civil Rights boardgame in the game night rotation guys.
Lois: Oh, we're always happy to play "Two Decades of Dignity." It makes us all feel a little less guilty.
(Peter rolls dice and moves his gamepiece.)
Peter (reading off a gamecard): For whistling at a white woman, go directly to jail. Aww, man doesn't anyone ever win at this game?
Cleveland: You don't win. You just do a little better each time.

Lois: Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding picture?
Peter: Yeah I think it looks better.
Lois: You pasted it over me.
Peter: Yeah I think it looks better.

Peter: Can't we tell them that your mother died?
Lois: Peter, I'm not gonna lie about something like that.
Peter: All right, all right, I'll kill your mother.

[Peter has bought a sexy version of a relationship tape]
Lois: $49.95? Are you sure we can afford this?
Peter: Lois, our relationship can not be measured in nipples and dimes ... nickels and boobs ... money.
[runs off]

Death (Takes sip from mug and spits it out): Geeze, what did you make this hot cocoa with, crap?
Lois (Sighs): Well if you want me to make it again...
Death: No, no. I'm sorry, It's just that I asumed that you were going to make it with milk, not crap.

Meg: I don't get it, mom, if you're so mad at dad for wrecking your show, why did you come to opening night?
Lois: I came because I love the theater. I mean, if I just came here to enjoy watching your father be humiliated when this asinine spectacle of his is ridiculed by everyone in town, what kind of person would I be?
Chris: A bitch.

Lois: Okay here we go, "What color is a firetruck?"
Peter: Aww, oh God I always get these. Umm..okay..uhh..all right..firetruck..firetruck firetruck firetruck firetruck. What color are those red firetrucks? Uhh..Oh god I can picture them now...all red and everything.

Lois (to counselor): This is the first act of violence Stewie has ever done.
Stewie: Well actually, the first act of violence was the time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I came out. Happy 50th birthday Lois!

Lois: I'm upset because you never listen to me. This is Atlantic City all over again.
[Lois and Peter at Blackjack table]
Dealer: You've got 20!
Peter: Hit me.
Lois: Peter, don't.
Peter: Hit me.
Dealer: 21!
Peter: Hit me.
Lois: Peter.
Peter: Hit me.
Dealer: That's 30
Peter: Hit me.

Joe: Maybe Peter took the trophy, he wanted it all along.
Peter: I couldn't have taken it, I was too busy breakin' into Joe's garage stealin' his ladder so I could steal the trophy tonight!
Lois: Peter!
Peter: What? It's a ladder, he can't use it. It's like takin' a watch off a dead guy.

Peter: Our children are our greatest treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave her feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard. That was the worst sandwich I ever ate! She flosses in bed. She snores like a wildebeast. She freed Willie Horton. She nailed Donna Rice.
Lois: Peter, that's enough!
Peter: Eats babies.
(crowd applauds)

Lois: Oh, what about this, Meg? A pink baby-tee that says "Little Slut." That seems pretty hip.
Meg: I don't know if that's really me, Mom.
Lois: Well, they've got one that says "Porn Star" and another that says "Sperm Dumpster." And they're all written in glitter.
Meg: All right, all right. Give me "Sperm Dumpster."
Lois: That's the spirit!

Lois (to Stewie)- Come on sweetie, eat your broccoli. Here comes the airplane!
Stewie (to Lois)- Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright Brothers!

[Peter and Lois are dumbfounded after they find Brian masturbating]
Lois: Was he just ...
Peter: Do ... do I rub his nose in it?

Lois Griffin: This can be a great opportunity for you and Stewie to bond.
Peter Griffin: Bond ... James Bond. I'll do it.

Lois: I just wish my opinion mattered to you.
Peter: Well, the important thing is, it matters to you, and that's the greatest gift of all.

Lois: Oh, look, Meg, it's your little baby booties. Oh, and your little bronze hat. And your tail.
Meg: My what?
Lois: Nothing.

Peter: Lois, I cant find my favorite pair of underwear.
Lois: Which one? The one where you ripped hole in it from when you got stuck in that airplane bathroom from when you got the trots?
Peter: No, I'm looking for the pair from when I had to hold it in because it was that extra long Palm Sunday service and I thought blowing gas would offend God so I let it rip in the vestibule after service?
Lois: Top drawer.

Lois: What did I tell you?
Peter: You told me not to drink at the stag party.
Lois: and what did you do?
Peter: I drank at the sta- Whoa... I almost fell right into that one!

Lois: Oh my God, my baby's drunk!
Peter: No I'm not! Oh--him. Yeah, he's a real lightweight.
Stewie: I'm tired and I want to go to bed. Everybody! I'm drunk and I wanna go to bed. Just the women!

Lois: Peter, did you post a new picture of yourself on our wedding picture?
Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better.
Lois: You posted it over me!!
Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better.

Lois: Here comes the airplane, Stewie.
(Stewie swats spoon)
Stewie: The pilot of that plpane must have been JFK Jr.

Lois: I am not a crazy broad!
Peter: Oh, no, no, Lois, he didn't mean you're crazy like Elizabeth Taylor. He meant you're crazy, like that glue. You stick to things, y'know, like an adhesive. That's all he meant.

Lois: Have you been drinking?
Peter: Why, yes, I have. Thank you.

Stewie: Well, Well mother we meet again.
Lois: Stewie I thought I tucked you in an hour ago.
Stewie: Not tightly enough it would seem, and now you contemptible harpy, I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny!

Lois: Peter, isn't she beautiful?
Peter: Yeah, but I think she's with that guy. They've been holding hands all night.
Lois: Peter, I meant Meg.
Peter: Oh, yeah, she's hot.

Lois: Are you gonna miss me?
Peter: Only until I go to the newsstand and buy a Hustler.

Lois: (Noticing Chris' pimple): Oh my God! Look at the size of that pimple, you're like a circus freak! (Laughs.) Aw, I'm just kidding, it means you're becoming a man, sweetie.
Peter: Yeah, I remember when I first became a man.
Doctor: The operation was a success. What are you going to go by now?
(Peter looks under his hospital gown)
Peter: Peter...

Lois (looking at a used car Peter wants): Peter, this car has dents in it, and it's got a cardboard steering wheel.
Peter: Just a second honey.
Lois: And look, there's no engine! It just has a drawing of an engine!
Car salesman: But it only had one previous owner....James Bond!
Peter: I'll take it!

Lois: I've seen that crappy Julia Roberts movie forty-seven times. Have you seen the lips on that woman? Like a baboon's ass on her face.

Lois: You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club!
Peter: Come one, Lois, you're acting like this is the first time I ever did something stupid.

(Cleveland is about to smash Quagmire with a baseball bat. Then he looks around at, Meg, Chris, and Lois, who all have frightened faces. Then Darth Sidius appears.)
Darth Sidius: Good, good. Let the hate flow through you.
Lois (pushing him away): You're not helping.
Quote Rating: 7.8 outta 10 (Over 42 votes) - Vote Now!

Peter: Lois, less talkie more fetchie.
Lois: I'm just gonna assume that's Chinese for 'I love you.'

Lois: Nurse this woman is in labor!
Mayor Adam West: Excuse me, I was here first... My leg is asleep!!

(Lois calls the house and Chris picks up phone)
Chris: Stephenson residence.
Lois: Chris, we've gone through this before. It's pronounced Griffin.

Lois: For me? Please?
Peter: All right, all right, but you owe me. Later, under the mistletoe, open mouth, no matter how drunk I am.

Lois: Hey I know, lets play a game. Now I'm thinking of a movie.
Meg: Is it an action movie?
Chris: Who's in the movie?
Peter: Wait, is it a good movie?
Lois: Eh, it has its moments.
Peter: Cool Runnings
Lois: Yep!

Lois: Here, Death. I brought you some Tylenol.
Death: Oh, great. I asked for Advil, but you know, Tylenol, whatever.

Lois: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
Peter: Well, y'know, it's a little warm in here ...
Lois: "Don we now our gay apparel."
Peter: It doesn't get much gayer than this.

Peter: Our sex is so dull for you that you gotta fantasize about George Clooney?
Lois: I'm sorry honey, I guess that things have become a little...stale for me.
Peter: Well, I-I don't know what to do. I mean, I don't really know that much about any kinky stuff. I mean, I-I could hook this car battery up to my nipples. (Hooks car battery to both his nipples.)
Peter: Ahh, Ahh, Ahh, Oh God, Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow there's 240-Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow!

Lois: Stewie, did you unhook mommy's bra?

Lois: I'm sorry for everything that's happened Peter. I guess I'm going through a phase right now where I'm only attracted to handsome men.
Peter: Well what are we supposed to do Lois? Just admitt that there's no excitement left in our marriage, go home and spend the rest of our lives looking at each other across the breakfast table talking about how much we both like Total?
Lois: Ooh, I love Total!
Peter: Ooh, actually so do I, and it's healthy for us too. OH GOD ITS STARTIN' ALREADY!

Lois: Peter, you're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love?"

Lois: Are you Kate Moss? For someone with no breasts, you've done very well for yourself. Good for you.

Lois: Kids, we just have to learn to accept this. Like one of those stories on Dateline where a family member suffers a horrible accident and becomes a burden on everybody. Sure, they pretend to be happy, but they're dead inside, they're dead. And that'll be our lives.

Lois: To hell with the cameras! How could we ever let them replace our little girl? Oh, I miss her, Peter.
Peter: Me, too. She's like that dorky Baldwin brother who isn't as good-looking or successful and never answers my letters, but he's still a Baldwin, damn it!

Peter: Stand aside. Its time for me to fufill my fatherly duty. HAHA i said duty but no time to laugh about it now.
here's another same episode
Lois: Peter say hello to your daughter.
Peter: Oh my God! I'm sorry Lois. It was twenty years ago. I never heard the word rubber uh--
Lois: No, Peter this is Meg.
Peter: OH! Welcome to the family sweetheart, Chris throw out all of Megs old pictures.

Lois: My days in college were so exciting. This one time, the national guard came and shot some of my friends.

Lois: It's like I always tell the kids, a quitter never wins and don't trust whitie.

Lois: Aren't you upset that your wife cheated on you with your best friend?
Cleveland: Better with Quagmire than someone she could get a disease from.

Lois: My daughter needs a makeover like there's no fricking tomorrow.

Peter: Lois, this is my new friend Max Weinstein! He's Jewish!
Lois: Ooooooooh, how exotic!

Lois: Kids, your grandfather's ears are not gross and they are certainly not an enchanted forest.

Mel Gibson: I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin. This isn't personal, but I need to do what I need to do to get that tape.
Lois (scared): Oh, Mel, what are you gonna do to me? (Then, erotically, hopefully)Oh, Mel, what are you gonna do to me...?

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