Boys Do Cry

We now return to Julia Louis-Dreyfus in "Now It's Just Getting Sad."
Okay, okay, hear me out.
My character is a therapist living in the city,
but I'm married to an elephant.
Hi, I'm the husband. Hey, honey.
We're going to my parents' this weekend. Did you pack your trunk?
I don't think I want to go. I don't like going to your parents.
Why?
Maybe because your dad's an ivory hunter?
See, there's a lot going on here. A lot going on.
It actually, it actually gets pretty watchable.
Ah, damn, it's still raining.
Lois, you mind if I go in the house?
Fine, fine, just put the newspaper down.
Hey, Lois, look at this.
The church is holding auditions for a new organist.
Really? Wow, you know, that sounds like it could be a lot of fun.
Yeah, it's been a while since you've had the chance to play in public.
Church organist? Ah, that's boring.
Why don't you do something more interesting?
Like when I had that job feeding the homeless.
That's going to make you big and strong.
Burping time.
Oh, smells like someone needs to be changed.
When was the last time you were changed, seven days ago?
That's one week. There are seven days in a week.
I love you, filthy hobo.
Huh, huh! All right.
Why do you say "organist" if you don't want...
I don't understand the world anymore.
Here be a jaunty sea chantey from me boyhood.
You shake me nerves and you rattle me brain
Too much love drives a man insane
You broke me will, oh, what a thrill
Goodness gracious, great balls of fire.
I know what boys like
I know what guys want
I know what boys like
Boys like
Boys like me.
All right, up next is Lois Griffin.
Well, I don't know if I can compete with the rest of these people,
but here goes.
My word, what a fascinating man this Jesus must have been.
I can just imagine meeting him.
That was beautiful,Mrs. Griffin.
Up next is Jake Tucker.
Well, finally! Some of us have been waiting all evening for a certain wife
to come home and feed her starving family.
Peter, I told you I was going to be late. Couldn't you have handled dinner?
You can't ask me to make dinner, Lois.
That's like asking me to choose between Sarah Jessica Parker
and Kirsten Dunst in a hotbody/weird face contest.
It can't be done.
Well, I've got good news.
I'm going to be the church's new organist.
- Hey, congrats. - Wow, Mom, that's great.
That means you'll play the organ.
It also means that this family is going to start going to church again on Sundays.
Being there today reminded me
of how important religious services are to the moral fiber of a family.
And lately, this family has been lacking moral fiber.
Especially you, Meg.
Meg, what happened to you?
She can't answer you.
She can't even talk.
Ever since she started smoking pot, she just kind of lays there.
It's really sad.
And a tiny bit funny.
Oh, my God, I think I'm getting a contact high.
Oh, now I'm messed up, too.
Good morning, everyone.
A reading from the letter of John to the couple with the crying baby upstairs.
"Obviously you hearyour kid crying
"and you're trying to break him of some habit.
"But I got news for you.
"It's not working.
"I swear to God if it doesn't stop,
I will come up thereand show him what real pain is."
The Word of the Lord.
Praise be to God.
Oh, I am so hungry.
Oh, look, they're handingout cookies up there.
Stewie, wait, don't...
Hey, there. Eat up, y'all.
Youse is good church going folk. Y'all deserve a little treat.
Give me that!
Well, aren't you an enthusiastic wafer muncher.
- What is that, punch? - Oh, don't y'all drink that.
Youse gonna get sick.
Yep.
- That baby just threw up the host! - That's a sign of the devil.
- Oh, my God,is he possessed? - He's possessed!
That baby is possessed by Satan!
Calm down, everyone. He's just a little sick.
I'll take him home.Come on, sweetie.
Oh, sweet, weare out of here.
Now I can do what I planned to do this morning...
Gladiator mice.
Yes, yes, die, die, die!
I have everything,and you have nothing!
Ugh, what a horrible morning.
You know, all I wanted was for us to share a simple Sunday church service as a family.
But I guess that's too much to ask.
Good afternoon, Mrs. Griffin.
We're here to take custody of your baby so that the good reverend here
can perform an exorcism and banish the devil from his infant soul.
What?! You are not performing an exorcism on my baby.
Mrs. Griffin,you can give him to us, or we can take him by force.
- No! - Don't worry, Lois,
we'll hide in the one place they can't find us.
In Imagination Land,
where you burp where you fart, and you fart where you burp.
Indeed, that's how it happens.
Where are we going?
Who cares as long as it's away from those bloody church fanatics.
We're going to Texas.
We can stay at my sister Carol's place until this blows over.
Texas? We're going to Texas in search of religious tolerance?
That's going to be like trying to get Sneakers O'Toole to take his sneakers off.
I'm not taking my sneakers off I am Sneakers O'Toole.
Hey, take those sneakers off.
- No! - Take them off, I said!
No!
Ah, let him go. We'll never catch him.
Not in these shoes.
I'm not taking my sneakers off I am Sneakers O'Toole.
- Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. - And I'm Diane Simmons.
Authorities are on the look out for one-year-old Stewie Griffin,
a Quahog infant who is believed to be possessed by Satan.
A substantial reward is being offered for any information leading to his capture.
In other pseudo-scientific news, a local man claims to have spotted bigfoot.
We've got the exclusive interview.
I was about to bone my girlfriend out at the lake,
but suddenly she yelled,
so I looked up and it was bigfoot.
- So what happened next? - Then I went back to bone her,
but the mosquitoes were going crazy, and she said there was no way.
All right, get your snacks and hurry out, you guys.
Yeah, look, they have Chunky bars.
What a God-awful mess those things are, chocolate with raisins in it.
Yeah, yeah, that's what kids want with their chocolate-- fruit.
Why don't you put sunflower seeds in the Ding Dongs while you're at it?
- Is that part of your stand-up act? - I don't know, do you like it?
I wouldn't open with it.
Pardon me, sir. We're trying to locate a possessed child.
Have you seen anyone who looks like this?
Yeah, that's my son.
He's actually inthe mini-mart right now. He'll be out in a second.
I-I-I-I mean, I mean no, no. Never seen him before.
Hmm. What was that first thing you said?
Oh, I was just saying that baby in the picture is my son.
He's traveling with us. He's part of our family.
We're trying to avoid being found by police like you.
I mean, I was just remarking what a nice tie you have on.
I love this tie.
All right, you folks take care now.
Oh, did you hear that cashier's accent?
"Would you like some change please for you?"
Oh, you know, if it weren't for 9/11, those guys would be adorable.
Oh, my God, look.
Quick, into the bathroom.
We're going to have to come up with a way to change your appearance.
Well, I could disguise myself as Britney Spears.
I'm already standing in urine, and I hate the person I'm with.
No, see, there's got to be something in here we can use.
Boy, that was a close one back there.
Way to think on your feet, Brian.
We got lucky. How you holding up, Stewie?
Um... I feel right, Brian.
I feel right.
Are you sure Aunt Carol won't mind us using her house?
She won't care, Chris. She's off on her ninth honeymoon.
When will it work for her?
Howdy, new neighbors.
- Pleased to welcome you. - We're the Lynches.
We live next door.
Nice to meet you. We're the Griffins.
Nellie here is a homemaker. And I'm a queer chaser and beater.
Lois, I'm not sure this is the right place for us.
These Texans are socially backward and,
politically, they're all stubborn as a mule.
Nope, sorry, Kevin Bacon wasn't in Footloose.
- What ? Of course he was. - No, he wasn't. You lose.
- Of course he was, he was the star. - No, you're wrong. Look it up.
I don't have to look it up. It's common knowledge.
- He was on the cover of...Nope. - Nope.
- People magazine when the movie... - Nope. No. No.
- Everyone knows Kevin Bacon - No, no, No, No!
- was the star of Footloose. - No! No! No!
No! No! No! No! Hyan! Hyan!
Look what the Lynches gave us.
A needle point of Chuck Norris from Walker, Texas Ranger.
You know, they say Chuck Norris is so tough there's no chin under his beard.
- There is only another fist. - That's ridiculous.
Chuck Norris ?
You know, this place may be the upside to everything that's happened.
The people are kind and generous. They seem whole some and moral.
Exactly the kind of influence this family needs.
Lois, we're living in a red state with a bunch of right-wing nutjobs.
Hey, Chris, check out my belt buckle.
It says, "Everything's bigger in Texas."
Belts are a great way to express opinions.
This is Channel Five News, Texas, with Duke Dillon.
Howdy, Texas. I'm Duke Dillon.
At the top of the news tonight,
authorities have called off their pursuit of a fugitive Rhode Island baby
who was thought to be possessed by the devil.
Oh! Thank God!
This turn of events came after Vatican scientists
announced today that the devil is not the greatest threat to salvation
due to last week's discovery of the Superdevil.
Religion reporter Dallas Houston has the story.
Thanks, Duke.
Well, let me try and give you a clear picture of what we're dealing with here.
Here's a photo of the devil, and here's the Superdevil.
Now, as you can see, there are some significant differences.
The Superdevil is at least six inches taller,
he has a flying motorcycle and a jar of marmalade
that we believe forces you to commit adultery.
Thanks a lot, Dallas.
Looks like we all got something new to be afraid of.
Everyone, it's over!
We can go back to Quahog.
Hey, Lois, you say something?
Aw, just that I think you're going to love this cake.
None for me, thanks. It's going to go straight to my vagina.
That's what girls worry about, right, having big vaginas?
Dad, why aren't you taking the car?
Chris, we're in Texas now. If I'm not riding a horse,
I'm going to stick out like a straight guy in a figure-skating competition.
Boo-ya! Triple salchow in your face!
Hey, you want this? Huh? You want some of this?
Oh, man, look at your rack.
I'd motorboat that. I'd motorboat the hell out of it!
Right after this layback spin.
Bottle of Jack Daniels, please.
- There you go. - Thanks.
What's this?
That's your gun. Buy some liquor,get a free gun.
Is that like a special you have on now or something?
Nope. Texas state law.
You have a nice day now.
State law?
God! This place officially sucks worse than the WNBA.
And, at the top of the second half, it's 16 to nine.
Easton leads the scoring with four.
And that's why she commands $7,000 a year.
These gals sure do make it look difficult.
But is having this minor skill worth being so unattractive?
That's for the fan to decide.
Yay!
Huh. That was kind of cool.
Been a long day, Lois. Long day.
Peter, what the hell?
You can't bring that horse into our bed.
Lois, I cannot believe you would ban the horse from our bed.
He is a graceful, majestic creature who is a part of this family
and only wants you to love and respect... The horse may have pooped in the bed.
I hereby call this meeting of the Texas Youth Club to order.
First, I'd like to welcome our two newcomers,
Chris and Meg Griffin.
Wow! This is the coolest club I've ever been in.
Well, you're not quite in the club yet.
You got to pass the initiation.
What do we have to do?
You got to sneak on to the Crawford Ranch
and steal a pair of George Bush's underwear.
And then bring it back here so we can bask inits Bushy goodness.
Boy, that's even kinkier than the porn they make for senior citizens.
Can I help you, Edward?
Yeah. I'm here for the early bird special.
- Are those new slacks? - What's that, now?
- Are those new slacks? - I got these on special at Caldors.
- Who drove you there? - My nephew.
Oh. That was nice of him.
I forgot why I came over.
Are those new slacks?
What is this? What the hell are we doing here?
Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie.
It's what you do when you're in Texas.
Oh, lovely.
A first-class ticket to a semen-stained death in the basement.
Why don't you meet the other contestants while I go register you?
Hello. I'm, uh... Stephanie Griffin.
- Hi, Stephanie. - What's your talent?
I sing, I do gymnastics, and I can play seven instruments at the same time.
Hmm. You could be a threat to me.
Chuck.
There it is... the Crawford Ranch.
I can't believe we're actually doing this.
What a bonding adventure for the two of us.
Settle down, Meg.
Okay, I see Old Man Cheney guarding the place.
18% approval ratings.
I'll give you 18% of my foot in your ass.
I'd like you to meet my daughter's husband Michael.
Wow! Look how organized he is.
He's already got his sugar cut up into neat little lines for his breakfast tomorrow.
And a razor blade to shave.
Wow! Look at this.
I can't believe Mrs. Bush kept all these Planned Parenthood receipts.
Holy cow! She's been scraped more times than a fisherman's knuckle.
Hey, what are you kids doing here?
You tell Javier to back off. I'll have his money by next week.
- What? - Nevermind
Hey, you guys want to see something?
Grab a beer and follow me.
See this car? I restored it myself this summer.
I was here for 12 weeks. I had to do something.
But, along the way, I learned about honesty, integrity,
and cold filtered Miller Genuine Draft.
That's an adult beverage right there.
You understand what I'm trying to say to you?
Yes. But I have just one question.
Can I borrow your underpants for ten minutes?
Hello.
- Oh. Hi, Jillian. - Brian, I'm reading TV Guide.
Can you explain how these cheers and jeers work again?
Well, the cheers is when they generally approve of something on television,
and jeers is when they find some sort of fault with it.
Oh. See... yeah, I'm not quite...
We can't do this over the phone.
You're going to have to come over.
I can't come over. We're still on the run because the town thinks Stewie's possessed.
No, they don't. Didn't you hear? They stopped chasing you weeks ago.
- What? I have to go. - Wait, wait! I have another question.
How do I know if I'm Jewish?
- Are you Jewish? - No
- There you go, sport. - Thank you.
Hey, guys, thanks so much for inviting me out today.
I'm psyched to brand my first cow.
Here you are, Peter. All fired up and ready to go.
Oh...!
Oh, yes!
Yes! Oh...!
Oh, hang on a second.
Man, Texas is great.
Back where I'm from, a retarded guy could never have this much fun.
- What did you just say? - What?
Technically, I'm retarded.
Fellas! Fellas! Can't we talk this over?
Talking is for terrorists and blacks.
In Texas, we execute the retarded.
Oh, my God! So this is how it ends?
I always thought I'd die having to sit through the Canadian Film Festival.
I don't wish to cause you any harm,
and I won't.
The end.
Horsey, you saved my life.
No problem, Peter. Glad to help out.
Wow! Gilbert Gottfried.
- That's right! - Awesome.
Now the final contestant for our talent portion of the competition,
Stephanie Griffin.
Thank you, thank you.
Hey, what's the deal with Chunky bars, huh?
Chocolate with raisins in it?
Yeah, that's what kids want with their chocolate-- fruit.
Wow, that bit is killing.
Hey, Lois, great news. We can go back to Quahog.
I know, Brian. Shh! We're about to see if Stewie won.
Wait a minute. You know?
- How long have you known? - A few weeks. Who cares?
Wait a minute. You... you've known for weeks,
and you've been lying about having to stay here?
Brian, don't you see?
This is a wholesome community with real values.
And our firstrunner-up is...
Miss Dixie-Ann Thomas.
Which means that Miss Stephanie Griffin is our new Little Miss Texas!
Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, I never expected this.
Oh, I'm so, so honored.
Hey, that's not a girl!
It's Enrico Palazzo!
No, it's not!It's one of them queerosexuals!
Get him!
Quick! Get on!
- Thank you for all your help. - My pleasure, Peter. Anytime.
Oh, fantastic. Hey, do you still do stand-up?
- I do. I'm still touring. - Oh, wow. Can we get tickets?
Absolutely. I'm in Atlanta next week.
Great. Oh, well,this will be fun.
It is so good to be home.
You know, I wanted us to live in a place with real family values.
But values don't come from where you live or who your friends are.
They come from inside, from your own beliefs.
I agree, Lois. Like, for instance,
if you're watching a TV show and you decide to take your values from that,
you're an idiot.
Maybe you should take responsibility for what values your kids are getting.
Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids watch certain shows in the first place
if you have such a big problem with them, instead of blaming the shows themselves.
Yeah