Saving Private Brian

All right, kids, assembly is starting.
Now please take your seats for the following presentation by the U.S. Army.
- What's up, y'all? I'm Sergeant Extreme! - And I'm Major Awesome!
We're here to tell you how much the army kicks ass! Check this out!
The army sounds awesome!
And the recruiter said with any luck,
I could get the clap from a 12-year-old Chinese prostitute.
Wow, that's great.
You'll be serving your country, just like American film legend Mickey Rooney.
Hi. I'm former biggest star in the world, Mickey Rooney.
And as you may know, I am totally and completely insane.
I like to yell at mice with my shirt off.
Sometimes I like to steal other people's scabs.
How do I stay so crazy?
Mickey Rooney's Crazy Pills!
Take one with breakfast, one with lunch,
and before you know it, you'll be up on your roof; pooping in the chimney.
Hold out your stockings, kids!
Chris, you can't join the army, you're too young.
Besides, the army is weak.
Now, the marines, those are the men you want to (beep).
Are you kidding, Lois? The army's great!
You get to save money for college, there's free food,
and all the brown people you can rape.
I am sorry, but he is not joining the army.
Case closed.
I can't believe they're brainwashing kids like Chris to serve in the military.
Ah, yes, the bottom ten percent of our high school class
is off to fight another battle.
- You stole that from The Onion. - What?
I read that in The Onion. About the war in Iraq.
Well, if that's true, then I'd say they've got some sharp cookies over at the, uh...
Wh-What is it again? The Onion?
So if I go up to your room right now,
I'm not gonna find a copy of The Onion, right?
No.
- Ow! Damn it! - That's what I thought.
Coming this fall,
if you loved Everybody Loves Raymond,
then you'll love his brother, Robert, even more, in Robert.
I bet you Debra really gave it to Ray today.
I bet you she made a sandwich that wasn't very good, but he ate it anyway.
And then she got mad at him 'cause he gave her a funny look.
I miss Ray.
I can't believe Chris would just buy into that army recruiter's sales pitch.
We can't let him enlist.
Don't worry, Lois, all he needs is an after-school
activity to get his mind off the army. Just something to distract him.
You know, like all of America gets distracted whenever a cute white girl dies.
We regret to report that not all the children onboard the school bus survived.
We have identified the body of one victim,
nine-year-old Becky Gunderson.
No, wait, that's, uh, Becky Gutierrez.
That's not news.
B-Brian, wha... what are you doing?
Gymboree is that way.
Brian, it's parachute day!
I just want to swing by the army recruiting center
and give a piece of my mind to that jerk who tried to brainwash Chris.
We are gonna be so late. I'm not gonna have a partner.
I'm gonna have to be partners with the teacher.
It's just wrong for the military to mess with kids' minds.
They're all gonna wind up in therapy, like Peter was.
Every time my daughter opens her mouth,
I just want to punch her in the face. She's really annoying.
Uh-huh. All right, let's explore that.
What the hell's wrong with you? Your skin's, like,
moving around or something.
I believe I'm having some sort of seizure.
What kind of after-school activity should I do, Dad?
Well, Chris, there's a lot of fun activities out there.
For example, I used to be a horse whisperer.
Pfft, maybe if she spent some time on the treadmill and I was drunk.
I wouldn't, either.
I don't think any of this stuff is right for me, Dad.
Let's just face it... I suck!
Sounds like you guys could use some fresh blood.
This is my son, Chris.
You should hear his voice. It's absolutely gorgeous.
Like Laura Dern if she didn't look like a banana.
He can sing?
Yeah, runs in the family. See, look.
I am Peter Griffin, I like fancy food
I like reading comic books and dressing like a dude.
Yeah, rock and roll!
Did you hear that?
Guys, I think we just found our new lead singer.
Awesome!
I'm gonna be a famous music star, like Muddy Waters!
Muddy? Baby? Everything all right in there?
Oh, I think I'm about to pass a kidney stone.
Boy, I can't wait to lay into that recruiter.
Yes, you'll be about as effective as the Wizard of Oz
was at granting wishes.
And, Dorothy, you wanted herpes,
but little did you know, you've had herpes all along.
I didn't want herpes!
Well...
you've got it.
Yes, uh, I'd like to see the army recruiter.
Oh, you'll have to have a seat. There's a 25-minute wait.
25 minutes?
Oh, God. All right, I better go put more money in the meter.
Peggy, would you send in the next... Oh, you're already here.
Say, aren't you a little young to join the army?
No, I have that, uh... Webster disease.
Hey, is that the M9 double-action pistol?
Sure is. Standard issue in the army.
- Where do I sign? - Right here.
Did I mention there's a hundred-dollar bonus if you sign up a buddy?
Really? Well, I think I have a surprise for somebody.
There you are.
Congratulations, you are both in the army.
We're bothin... What? That's ridiculous.
I'll tell you what's ridiculous : the Kaiser.
Somebody should put him on a roll.
Over, we're comin' over
And we won't come back till it's over over there.
Commercial!
Damn! Play me some filler, Johnny.
Okay, they're dead, all right?
We're not gonna be seeing them again.
My God!
You are the sorriest bunch of rejects I ever seen.
And I've seen the Bangles in concert.
You! Where are you from, boy?
- Quahog. - They only got two things in Quahog :
steers and queers.
I don't see no horns on you. What does that make you, boy?
- Queer? - Right!
- Oh, I got it? - Yeah.
You find something funny, Private Dancer?
Dancer for money?! Any old music will do?!
Well, actually, yeah, your last little, uh, back-and-forth there with Stewie,
that whole queer thing, that was actually pretty funny.
Oh, God!
Ooh, that's got to hurt worse than getting a birthday telegram from
Zinedine Zidane.
Yes?
Bon anniversaire.
Yo, yo, what's up, James Woods High?!
I'm Chris, and this is our band,
Splash Log!
And we are gonna rock this place until...
un... well, until about 9:30, 'cause that's when the dance is over!
Evil monkey holds the key
Evil Monkey's gonna get me
I'm hiding underneath my seat for fear he'll point and show his teeth!
Evil, evil monkey!
Evil, evil monkey!
Evil, evil monkey!
Mayor West?
Quiet, young man. Can't you see we're having a poker game?
Now, I'll ask again.
If I order a pizza, will anyone else have some?
I might have a slice.
Well, you know, I'm gonna need more of a commitment than that, Mark.
West Side Story, Anything Goes.
West Side Story, Anything Goes.
Two of my favorite Broadway shows.
Two of my favorite Broadway shows.
Miss Saigon and Cabaret.
Miss Saigon and Cabaret.
Overrated, I should say.
Overrated, I should say.
One, two, three, four.
Mambo!
Griffin! You got four legs there! You better start using them!
I'm trying, sir.
You got five seconds to get to the head of the pack,
or this entire platoon is gonna scrub the latrines with their toothbrushes.
- Aw, come on, Brian! - Don't screw us, Griffin!
- Yeah, come on, - don't screw us, Brian Griffin!
Bill, how about thinking up your own jeers for a change, huh?
Four! Three! Two!
- Oh, come on, Brian, get up! - Time's up!
You're pathetic, Griffin! Pathetic!
Whose half-eaten dead bird is in this footlocker?
Let's say hypothetically that it does belong to someone in here.
Would admission of that allow that person to keep it?
Private Griffin, just for that, you have to listen to one track
from this Chris Gaines album.
- Don't you think that's a little extreme? - Two tracks!
It's so stupid, it's just Garth Brooks in a wig.
- Three tracks! - Come on!
- We can go all day with this! - Yeah, but...
That's it! Every single track,
plus the hidden bonus track!
There's a hidden bonus track?
Oh, I hope it's a ballad.
Huh. Should I follow the knight into the dungeon
or should I go back the way I came?
Eh, I'll follow the knight.
Page 37, page 37.
Aah! Aah! I mean, go back the way I came. I didn't take my hand off the page.
You seen it, Lois, right? You seen my hand on the page.
Yeah, Peter, I seen it.
Oh, no, not again.
You know, I'm glad Chris found an activity he likes,
but why do they have to use our garage?
Come on, Lois, sometimes kids can be a handful.
Look at Gregory Peck's kids.
- Are we there yet? - It's crowded back here.
- Stop touching me. - Your leg is rubbing up against mine.
Hey! Quiet down or I'm pulling over.
- Stop breathing on the window. - You idiot.
That's condensation. It's on the outside.
That's it! I will come back there and, so help me God,
I will hit you with my ring hand.
What the hell are you doing?
What does it look like I'm doing? I'm leaving.
You can't leave, man. That's desertion.
They'll come after you like Peter went after that hockey coach.
Oh, no clip? Oh, thought we had a clip.
Nope. Okay. Uh, you can't leave, Brian.
- You'll get life in prison. - I'll take my chances.
Let me ask you this :
when was the last time you saw something through to the end?
- Well, I, uh... - Never, that's when!
You need this, Brian.
You dropped out of college. You still haven't finished your novel.
Do you know what you lack? Discipline!
And so you know where you'll get it? Right here in the army!
Boy, you know what, you're right.
Everything I've ever done I've crapped out on halfway through.
Well, not this time. I am going to finish what I started.
That's the spirit! You can do anything you put your mind to.
You know, it's really hard to masturbate with you guys talking.
Not for me!
Evil, evil monkey! Ow!
Chris, will you knock that off for 2 minutes? We want to talk to you.
Take five, guys.
What do you buttheads want?
You've been playing with your friends long enough.
Now it's time for you to come inside and do your homework.
It's time for you to piss off, redhead.
What?!
Hey, hey, Chris, don't talk to your mother that way.
Oh, way to stand up for your woman there, fatty.
Chris, what the hell is going on with you lately?
Ever since you hooked up with this band, you're like a completely different person,
and I don't like it one bit.
I am expressing myself!
Now, get out of my way! I'm going to the park to loiter.
- What the hell is his problem? - I don't know.
He's acting worse than you did when you tried to cover your farts by coughing.
Okay, welcome to the PTA meeting.
On the subject of school lunches, I know there's been some concern about nutrition...
We've had complaints about the soda machines...
And I have spoken with the school board...
Is there something you'd like to say, Mr. Griffin?
Uh...
Noooo...
No.
No, I'm good.
All right, men.
This obstacle course represents the final test of your training.
Almost all of you have completed it in the allotted time.
But as you know, as a unit, you either all graduate,
or none of you graduate. Griffin, it's up to you.
All right, you can do this, Brian. Come on, pray with me.
Dear Lord...
just stay out of our way.
Okay, good luck.
And... go!
There's Waldo.
- Fresh pepper? - Yes, thank you.
- Oh, that's plenty, thanks. - None for me, thanks.
My boyfriend just dumped me.
There's a lot of fish in the sea. It's always darkest before the dawn.
If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.
Thanks!
You did it, Brian! You did it!
Oh, I say, this is an even bigger accomplishment than
getting Minnie Driver's head to fit on screen.
Okay, back up.
Further.
- Move back some more. - What?!
Back up some more.
I'm as far away as I can get.
Okay, have her enter. Action!
Damn it. Cut!
Congratulations, men.
You've all passed basic training.
I'm proud to call you soldiers.
I'm sure you'll do your country proud tomorrow morning,
when you're all shipped off to Iraq.
What?
Oh, don't worry. I'm sure he means Fraggle Iraq.
- Well, this isn't so bad. - Yes, the people are friendly.
I say, the media has totally blown this whole thing out of proportion.
Okay, I go in store, I throw backpack. Big boom.
No, no, no, you are big boom. Big hero.
Okay, right, so I throw backpack,
come back and have big hero party with many virgins.
No, no, no, no, no. You : boom.
Oh, okay, okay. I put on backpack, boom.
Then I come back, big hero, virgins.
Okay, yeah. See you in a few minutes, big hero.
Unit 17, this is base. Please report.
Ten-four, everything's Charlie 40-60.
What does that mean?
I don't know. I just thought you're supposed to say names and numbers.
Nobody's corrected me so far.
What the hell was that?!
Uh, help! Help!
Uh, uh, I mean, ah, ah, Charlie, Tango, Cash,
uh, 47, Victor, Charlie, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman!
Roger that. We're moving to your position.
Chris, your father and I are very upset by this new attitude of yours.
I don't care what you think of me!
Oh, God, I envy that.
I am so self-conscious about what people think of me.
I am out of here!
You know, I think I may have an idea what's causing this behavior, Peter.
Look at all this stuff.
Listen to these lyrics.
"I rip it hardcore like porno-flick bitches."
"I roll with groups of ghetto bastards with biscuits."
Oh, look, they've got a translation for white people :
"I give 110 percent when it comes to helping my community,"
"even though I occasionally associate with some less than reputable characters."
Peter, these lyrics are filthy.
All this violent music is what's screwing Chris up.
What the hell?
Marilyn Manson! Is that who's causing all this?
Yeah, it's all him or her's fault.
Who does he or she think he or she is?
Look, you can totally see his or her nipples.
- That's obscene, maybe. - There's only one thing to do.
You're right,
we got to find this Marilyn Manson
and I got to give that bastard or bitch a piece of my mind or penis.
All right, it shouldn't be too hard to get ourselves kicked out.
Right. We're just got to convince them we're not army material.
- Ready? - All right, let's do it.
Wow, look at how gay we are.
I am so gay, with my gayness.
Me, too.I'm...
I'm a homo.
- Any room for one more? - Hell yeah!
All right, last resort.
We get injured and go home with purple hearts.
Shoot me in the foot.
What? Shoot yourself in the foot.
No, no, no, they can tell by the angle.
Here, you shoot me and I'll shoot you.
I don't think this is gonna work.
Of course it'll work. Ready? One...
two...
three!
Damn it! Oh, my God! That hurts!
- I think you missed me. - All right, I'll try again.
Uh, no, no, no, hang, hang on. That looks like it's painful.
Of course it's painful! There's a bullet in my foot!
Now get over here!
No, no, no, no, no! I changed my mind!
- I don't want to do it! - Come on, we had a deal!
No, no, no, no, don't point that at me!
No, no, no, oh, come on, this is flat out just not safe!
Oh, you got me. Ow. Ow. Ow.
- Let me see. - No, no, it's gross.
- Let me see it. - No, no, I don't want to gross you out.
Oh, ow, oh, we are in so much pain right now, the two of us.
Oh, ow...
Okay, that was real!
Hey, hi, um, I'm Private Stewie
and this is Private Brian.
Uh, we both got shot in the foot,
so, uh, we figured an honorable discharge would be in order
and, uh, you could just send us back to the States.
Getting shot doesn't get you out of here anymore.
What?
Yeah, we take whatever we can get.
I mean, we got two dead guys guarding the ammunition.
Sorry, guys, you are here until the job is done.
Great news, everybody.
Democracy just kicked in!
So it's over? That seems unlikely.
Amazing.
There was only one man in the world with the vision to predict something like this.
Damn.
Laura! Laura!
Laura!
And the Grammy for Biggest Posse goes to...
Ja Rule.
What?!
No, Madonna. "Posse."
"Posse."
Oh.
All right, Marilyn Manson has to be here somewhere.
Good thing we distracted the guard with that riddle.
What gets wetter as it dries...?
A towel.
Hey, I've been had!
Hey, look, right over there.
Hey, Manson!
What in the world was that for?
- Oh, it's a guy. - That's for ruining our son.
He used to be a sweet boy until he heard your music.
This old story.
If I had a nickel...
All right, where's your son?
I'm hiding underneath my seats for fear he'll point and show his teeth!
Chris? We brought someone you might like to meet.
Oh, my God, Marilyn Manson!
Hey there, Chris. You working hard or hardly working?
- So I see you're in a band. - Yep.
Listen, your parents tell me you've been acting out a little bit.
And I just wanted to tell you, rock n' roll music is cool,
but respect for your elders is a tune we can all dance to.
- Really? - Sure.
And the best way to start a fun-filled day of being a good citizen
is with a healthy breakfast rich in breads and grains.
And fruits are important, too.
You mean like apples, oranges and bananas?
Any of 'em, Chris. You can't miss.
And now, I think your parents have something to say.
Chris, you don't really believe all the things in those song lyrics, do you?
No.
Then why you been acting like such a punk?
I guess I don't really know.
I think I have an idea.
Peter, when was the last time you and Chris here did something together?
Boy, I guess it's been a while.
Here's something you might not know :
Children crave structure.
They enjoy the fun of planned activities
in which they and their parent or guardian can share a common goal.
Maybe you could take Chris fishing.
What do you say, Chris? You want to go fishing with your old man?
Do I?
Can't go without these.