8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter

Episode starts in the Griffin's living room by the front door. Peter and Lois are both wearing fancy clothes
Lois: Thanks for babysitting, Meg. We'll be back in a couple of hours.
Meg: I don't understand why I have to babysit Stewie. I mean, what's he really gonna do if we leave him by himself?
(cut to Stewie typing away at some sort of machine.)
Stewie: And now to test my teleportation pods!
(Stewie jumps down off the stool and runs into the left teleportation pod. Once in the pod, the camera zooms out to show that Rupert is lying in the pod as well.)
Stewie: Oh damn!
(The left teleportation pod lights up. The camera scrolls to the right pod, it lights up and smoke fills the pod. Stewie runs out screaming, half human, half stuffed bear, having evolved into "Griffin-Rupert".)
Stewie: I'M A MONSTER!
Theme Song
(Cut to the living room again. Meg and Stewie are sitting on the couch, bored out of their minds.)
Stewie: So, um...t-this is, uh, awkward, but, uh, h-have we ever actually, you know, met? I mean y-you know I-I don't even know, say, for example, if you have a room up there. You know, a room? I have a room. You know, Meg, if you kill yourself now, you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook. So, um...you know, that's something to think about- (Stewie burps) Oh, I just burped.
(The doorbell rings. Neil Goldman is at the door.)
Neil: Hi Meg, you busy Saturday night?
Meg: Neil, you ask me out, like, once a day, and I always give you the same answer: No!
(Meg pushes Neil and slams the door.)
Meg: God, I don't think I could have been any clearer the last time I turned him down.
(Cut to an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond")
Debra: Ray, your mother insulted my steak pizzola again.
(Meg Griffin walks on into the middle of the set for Everybody Loves Raymond.)
Meg: Neil Goldman of Quahog, Rhode Island -- (Shouting) Leave me alone! I hate you! I hate you!
(Meg walks off the set)
Debra: Anyway, your mother insulted--
Ray: (Cutting her off) I don't care anymore, Patty. After nine seasons, I just don't care. Maybe you could try not being a bitch.
(Debra grabs a wine bottle next to her, breaks it on the couch, and advances towards Ray. The familiar piano music from the show starts playing.)
(Cut to Goldman's Pharmacy. Peter drives up to the pharmacy, parks the car, and walks in.)
Peter: Hey Mort, Lois and I are out on a date night, uh, why don't you give me some condoms? And some Excedrin. My wife's got a headache (moves his hands toward his crotch) THIS big. (laughing) You know? It's like from the commercial. (moves his hands toward his head) This big? Only it's my junk.
Mort: Alright, then. Twelve dollars and forty-three cents.
Peter: Aw, jeez, that's more of a ripoff than that breakfast machine I bought.
(Cut to Peter in the kitched with a giant elaborate Mouse-Trap style machine. Peter lights a candle, which burns a rope. The rope drops an anvil, the anvil hits a switch, and the switch starts a conveyor belt. The conveyor belt powers a mini Ferris wheel, which hits some flags, makes a propellor spin, and a ball go through a tube. The ball is eaten by a toy dinosaur, which flings it on its tail and hits a toy drinking bird. The bird presses a button, a balloon fills up with air. Attached to the balloon is a string which is tied to the trigger of a gun. The balloon starts to float upwards, the string gets tighter, the gun trigger is pulled and Peter is shot in the arm.)
Peter: Gah! Ow! Ow, What was the point of all that? Ow, all it does is shoot ya! It doesn't make breakfast at all! Oww!
(Cut back to Peter at the pharmacy.)
Peter: Besides, I forgot my wallet.
Mort: Well, that's ok, I'll just open up a tab.
Peter: Wait a minute, what the hell is a tab? Does that mean I don't gotta pay?
Mort: Well, not right now but--
Peter: (cutting Mort off) Aww sweet! Hey, while I'm at it, gimmie all these copies of Marie Claire. Y'know in case I wanna rub out that easy one before I get Lois into bed tonight.
Mort: Kathleen Turner's on page 45.
Peter: (excited) Kathleen Turner, eh, let's see how she looks and- (turns to the right page, not excited anymore) Aww, that's a shame.
(Cut to back in the Griffin's living room. Meg is watching TV on the couch.)
TV Announcer: And now back to the Kids' Choice Awards, with host, Paula Poundstone!
(close up of the TV)
Paula: (pointing into the audience) I choose you, and you, and you. So, come up!
(The kids are hesitant.)
Paula: (Shouting) I said let's go!
(The chosen kids come up on stage. Paula moves back one of the curtains and leads them backstage. Cut back to the living room)
Stewie: (shouting from upstairs) Meg! Meg, I'm hungry! There's a granola bar in the cupboard, I want it!
(Stewie comes downstairs.)
Stewie: Hey. Hey! What's this? What's goin' on? Am I talking to myself up there?
Meg: Oh my God, Stewie! (Shouting) Just shut up and go to bed!
Stewie: Do you know what I do, Meg? I spit in your mouth while you sleep.
(Cut to the front door, Lois and Peter walk in)
Meg: Finally! Look, mom, I've had it! I'm not babysitting anymore! It's Saturday night, I could be out having a life!
Lois: Meg, if you don't want to babysit anymore, that's fine, but don't you stand there and lie to me.
Peter: Oh Meg, she torched your ass, man! She torched your ass!
Meg: Why can't you just hire a real babysitter?
Lois: Well, I guess we could do that.
(cut to Stewie overhearing all this on the stairs)
Stewie: Damn! I'm terrible at meeting new people...like the time I was on Blind Date!
(cut to the interior of a car. Stewie's driving, and there's a woman in the car)
Woman: I'm having a great time, Stewie.
Stewie: Me too. So, uh, you ready to go grab some 'za?
Woman: Uh...yea
A thought bubble appears by her head that reads "Pizza? What a cheapskate!"
A countdown appears under Stewie that says "Stewie drops the ball in: 3...2...1"
Stewie: So, uh, wild guess here, but from the looks of your arm hair, I'm guessing you're Italian?
The woman looks disgusted, under her, Therapist Joe appears with the message "Italians are from Italy."
[cut to the living room. Brian, Chris, and Stewie are sitting on the couch, Peter is sitting in an armchair. They each have medicine bottles]
Peter: Alright, you guys, I got eight crates of Ipecac all on my tab. Now, whoever goes the longest without puking gets the last piece of pie in the fridge.
Everyone drinks the Ipecac
Peter: Ok, here we go...how's everybody doin?
Brian: Good, good so far.
Peter: Alright, alright.
Stewie: Nothing yet.
Peter: Cool, cool...You know, I dunno if you guys have had any of that pie already, but that is, uh, that is some tasty stuff. That's from the uh, bake sale that Lois was {suddenly throws up}
Stewie: OOh, one down. I know somebody who won't be having any {throws up}
Chris: I'm starting to feel funny.
Brian: Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm {throws up}
Chris: Oh boy! That means I win! I get to eat {throws up}
Stewie throws up again
Stewie: Oh God, why didn't anybody tell me {throws up}
Peter: Oh my God, my insides are on {throws up}
Stewie: No, no please, no more, no more {throws up}
Chris: Dad, I'm scared. {throws up}
Brian: Get the phone, call 91-{throws up}
Peter: Lois! Lois get in here {walks backwards, throws up and hits the wall}
Brian: OK, ok. I think it's all gone. I think [throws up}
Stewie's rocking back and forth on the couch crying
Stewie: I don't wanna, I don't wanna {throws up}
Brian: Peter, Peter, I need you to hold my ears {throws up}
Peter yanks Brian's ears and throws up on them.
Brian throws up again, all four of them groan, Peter collapses.
Lois enters the room, holding a pot.
Lois: Who wants chowder?
Peter, Chris, Brian, and Stewie throw up at the same time.
[cut to outside the Griffin residence, Peter is holding a hose and filling a bucket with water, Peter looks up at the sound of an airplane]
Peter: What the hell? Hey Meg, you better check this out.
Meg opens the front door and gasps. A plane with the banner "MEG, I AM YOUR DESTINY. LOVE, NEIL. ALSO, HAVE YOU SEEN MY GOOD PEN? I FEEL LIKE I LOANED IT TO YOU IN PHYSICS, BUT I HAVEN'T SEEN IT IN A" flies by. Another plane flies closely behind the first plane with a banner that says "WHILE."
Meg: Oh, God. This is so embarrassing. I can't believe this is happening to me.
Peter pushes a shelf of cards towards Meg.
Peter: Awww, looks like someone could use a greeting card to cheer 'em up. I put these on my tab. Here, take a "Far Side" one. The vulture thinks he's a cowboy! {laughs}
Meg: {Chuckles} It is kinda funny.
Quagmire walks on screen and Meg walks back indoors.
Quagmire: Hey, Peter, you got a card for if you transferred VD to somebody?
Peter: Uhh, let's see here...uhh...yep. "Sorry I accidentally gave you VD"
Quagmire: Aw, all you got is accidental, huh? All right, I'll take it.
[Cut to Lois in the living room interviewing potential babysitters]
Lois: Well, first let me thank you for answering the ad. Now, what do you feel qualifies you to be an effective babysitter for Stewie?
GUY #1: {Speaking in Portuguese} We're great with children.
Stewie: Uh, yea, uh, we couldn't run an ad that said 'No Portuguese', but, um...no Portuguese.
[Cut to outside the house, then back inside, where Lois is interviewing someone else]
Lois: So, I see here that you've worked for a family for a number of years. Can I call the uh..{squints at the clipboard} Herculoids for a reference?
The camera zooms out to reveal that she's interviewing Gloop from the TV show "The Herculoids".
Gloop makes inaudible noises.
Lois: I-I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Gloop makes more noises.
Lois: The position has been filled.
Gloop makes angrier noises.
Lois: The position has been filled, thank you very much, you can go now.
Gloop makes a few angry noises, and slides off the couch.
Thundro (also from The Herculoids) walks in and fires rocks at Lois through his horn.
Lois: {Pissed off} LEAVE! NOW!
The characters slide out with a cartoony sound effect.
Lois: I didn't think it was going to be this hard to choose a babysitter.
Stewie: Yes, if only you were this discerning when you picked that happening hairdo.
The camera zooms to the front door, a girl walks in.
Girl: Sorry I'm late. Can I still apply for the job?
Stewie is dumbfounded by this girl. The camera gets blurry edges and the girl slowly brushes her hair and moves her head.
Stewie: My God, I haven't been this exhilarated since Brian took me to see Les Miserables.
[Cut to Stewie and Brian in a theatre]
Announcer: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, there will be a slight change in the cast tonight.
Brian: Oh, no.
Announcer: For this evening's performance, the role of Jean Valjean will be played by Kirk Cameron.
Stewie: OH! Oh, unbelieveable! Oh my God! How lucky are we, huh? 'Hey Stewie, what are you doing tonight?' 'Oh, nothing, just watching KIRK CAMERON play Jean Valjean!' Oh my God! Curtain up!
[cut to Mort's Pharmacy]
Peter: Hey Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors?
Mort: Peter, are you EATING those?
Peter: {sarcastic} No, I'm shoving them up my butt! Of course I'm eating them! Gimme a carton!
Mort: Peter, it's the end of the month, and I'm calling your tab! You owe me $34,000!
Peter: WHAT?! Aww, man, how am I gonna come up with that kinda money?
Mort: Peter, I'm waiting.
Peter looks around, and notices the "Employee of the Month" photo of Neil.
Peter: All right, all right, I got another idea. What if I sold you my daughter?
Mort: Huh?
Peter: You drop the tab, and your son can have Meg.
[cut to the Goldman house]
Meg: WHAT?!
Peter: Yup, all you gotta do is sign this contract.
Meg: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!? YOU CAN'T SELL ME, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH!
Peter: Woaa! Careful getting this fish off the hook, Mort, she's got some fangs. {laughs}
Mort: What do you think of that, Neil? Daddy bought you a girlfriend!
Neil: Excuse me, if anybody's interested, I already have a girlfriend.
Meg: There's no way--wait what?
A girl walks out from the door behind Neil
Girl: You ready to go, honey?
Neil: You rejected me too many times, Meg. I couldn't wait for you forever. Besides, Cecilia thinks my psoriasis is sexy.
Neil and Cecilia walk out holding each other's arms
Meg: I can't believe he's over me.
Mort: I can't believe I'm out 34 grand!
Peter: I can't believe it's not butter! {laughing} Stick around, more Family Guy comin' up!
[cut to the Griffin living room again. Lois and Peter are arguing]
Lois: Peter, how could you have tried to sell our daughter?
Peter: Alright, Lois. I don't want this to ruin our date night, so I'll make it up to ya.
The camera zooms out to show the greeting card shelf in the living room. Peter picks up a card and hands it to Lois.
Lois: Oh, Peter. {reading the card} "I'm sorry I tried to sell our daughter".
Peter: Yeah, you dunno how hard it was to find one of those in English.
[Cut to the bathroom. Stewie's standing up on top of the sink counter getting ready for the night and talking to Rupert]
Stewie: Ahh, tonight the babysitter comes, Rupert. Lovely LaDonne. Mmm...
Stewie puts the container of baby power in his diaper.
Stewie: {imitating conversation} Oh, hey LaDonne. Hey, what's goin' on? How are you? Yea. Oh, just me, Stewie. Just, uh, bein' myself. Uh...yea..Oh, uh, wha, this here? Just my package. Yea, just, just uh, just uh, my package. God delivered it, I signed for it, the world keeps on spinning. Yea.
[Cut to later that evening. LaDonne and Stewie are playing Jenga]
LaDonne removes a piece and the tower collapses.
LaDonne: Oh no! {laughs}
Stewie: Oh, Jenga, there it is! {laughs} Oh well, I guess that's why they call it Jenga, Mm? {laughs again}
LaDonne pinches Stewie's cheek
LaDonne: Stewie! You are so cute I can't even stand it!
Stewie: Oh, thank you. I'm having a good time too. I hope I don't make any social faux pas, like I did at Pamela and Tommy Lee's dinner party.
[Cut to Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson's dinner party, Stewie walks in]
Stewie: Hi, Sorry I'm late. I was visiting my aunt in the hospital, she has hep...atitis...Oooo, sorry.
[Cut to the girls locker room at the high school]
Cecilia: Neil is such an amazing guy. We just make an absolutely perfect couple.
Meg: Y'know, Neil liked me first. And I WAS gonna go out with him when I was ready to settle for him. Get your own spaz!
Meg walks off and the gym teacher shows up
Gym teacher: All right, ladies, enough chit-chat. Take it off, get in the shower, and bounce around for me.
[Cut to the Griffin residence kitchen]
Lois: Sweetie, your daddy and I are going to the movies tonight. How would you like LaDonne to babysit?
Stewie: YES! Oh, I'm going to wow her tonight, Rupert. I'm gonna be cooler than Brian when he hangs out at the bowling alley.
[Cut to the bowling alley. Brian is wearing a white shirt and jeans, with a cig carton under one sleeve. He also has blonde hair and a mustache.]
Brian: That's what I love about high school girls, I keep gettin' older, they stay the same age {chuckles}, yes they do, yes they do.
[Cut to the woodshop class at the high school. Meg is acting desperate]
Meg: Please go out with me. I'm just trying to make Neil jealous. I promise I'll pay and everything.
GUY: Yeah, uh, that sounds cool, but I'm gonna be in the hospital that night.
The kid takes the nailgun he's holding and fires nails into his stomach. The kid rolls around the woodshop floor in pain and drags himself offscreen.
[Cut to the living room. Stewie's in a robe lighting candles when the doorbell rings]
LaDonne: Hi, gorgeous man.
Stewie: Oh, you. Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver? {laughs}
LaDonne: Stewie, this is Jeremy.
Jeremy walks through the front door
Jeremy: Hey, little man. So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend.
Stewie: Wha-you...GIRLFRIEND?! Oh, what kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at?
LaDonne: Stewie sounds a little cranky. I'll put him to bed.
LaDonne starts to walk away, Stewie grabs Jeremy's hat.
Stewie: HA! I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey-sack tourney! I'm not going to lie down for some frat boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long-sleeve, open stitched, crew-neck henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpson episodes every night! Yes, we all love Mr. Plow - oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at one in the morning - the guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder.
LaDonne: Goodnight, Stewie.
Stewie: If he wants to throw hands, I'll throw hands! I tell you...{LaDonne puts a pacifier in Stewie's mouth}
Stewie drifts off to sleep
[cut to Mort's Pharmacy, Neil and Cecilia are in mid-kiss]
Meg walks in the door
Meg: Oh, hey. Neil and Cecilia. I didn't expect to see you here! Meet Jake, my boyfriend!
Jake: I want some BB's! My dad lets me shoot at cats!
Cecilia: Oh! Hi Meg! Neil and I are celebrating our two-week anniversary! Oh, it seems like only yesterday he was only a stranger videotaping me through the window.
Meg: Big deal. He did that to me 3 years ago. AND he gave me the tapes for Christmas.
Cecilia: He gave me DVDs. The production values were amazing, much better than Kramer vs. Predator.
[cut to Ted Kramer and a Predator sitting at a table]
Kramer: You want him back? You can't just dissapear for three months and suddenly decide you want him back! You can't have him! {swipes a glass of wine into the wall}
There's a bit of a pause, and then the Predator shoots Kramer.
Meg: Well, I'm glad Neil's over me anyway. I'm with Jake now. Right, Jake?
Jake: Maybe someday we'll get married and you can go up on me.
Meg grabs Neil by his shirt
Meg: Neil! I want to be your girlfriend!
Neil: What?
Meg: I was wrong to drive you away. We belong together.
Neil: Of course I'm understandibly skeptical of your newfound affection for me.
Meg: You still got that contract our dads drew up?
Neil pulls out the contract from behind the pharmacy counter.
Meg: Gimme that!
Meg signs the contract and kisses Neil.
Cecilia: {talking to Jake} You wanna hook up?
Jake: BUY ME SOMETHING!
[cut to outside by the football bleachers at the high school]
Meg: I can't believe we're going out. This is so cool!
Meg kisses Neil again. Neil lifts up her shirt and starts to undo Meg's bra. Meg pulls away.
Meg: Neil, Neil, n-not so fast.
Neil: {laughs} Uh, Meg, you need to fufill your contractual obligations.
Meg: What are you talking about?
Neil laughs menacingly
[Cut to inside Neil's room. Neil's laying on the floor in his underwear]
Neil: All right, Meg, according to the contract, every night, you have to put on my pajamas. My mom's record is 12 seconds.
Meg: Neil, I think you're old enough to-
Neil: {cutting Meg off} GO!
Neil won't stop laughing and kicking while Meg tries to tell him to hold still and put on his pajamas.
[cut to the stairs in the Griffin house]
Stewie: Oh, LaDonne, I thought we could watch a DVD together. I picked up the first season of Jiminy Glick, oh, imagine being that guy for a day.
[cut to the set of Primetime Glick. Stewie is all dressed up like Jiminy Glick.]
Stewie: {Stewie keeps changing positions on the chair} Colin Farrell! So, I was talking to my wife, Dixie, the other day, and she was saying that you weren't a very good actor. And I agreed with her. Now, now why, now why Colin? Why would we both say that?
[cut back to Stewie going down the stairs]
Stewie veiws LaDonne and Jeremy kissing.
Stewie: All right, that's it! Jeremy must be destroyed!
[cut to Jeremy's house]
Jeremy walks into his house, and tries to turn on the lights, but the lights won't come on.
Jeremy: Mom?
A shadow of Stewie runs by
Jeremy: Dad? Mom? Is anyone there.
Jeremy passes a mirror with Stewie sitting in a chair smoking in the reflection. He turns around, but no one's in the chair.
Jeremy: Uh...little man? Y-you in here?
Jeremy turns back around and a note is on the mirror. "FOR JEREMY" is written on the front of the note.
Jeremy takes the note. It's a poorly-drawn picture of Stewie and LaDonne holding hands, while Jeremy's ghost is floating in the sky.
Stewie runs out from the front door and attacks Jeremy with a lead pipe.
Stewie: I say, I think this is how you change a tire, but what would I know? I'm just a baby!
Stewie smacks Jeremy upside the head with the pole.
[Cut to outside, where Stewie is stuffing a bound and gagged Jeremy into Brian's car.]
Stewie: Here's your iPod, so you can listen to The Streaks while you gasp for air!
Jeremy mumbles something
Stewie: Oh, The Strokes, right.
[Cut to outside in the Goldman's backyard.]
Meg is pulling a big plow.
Mort: Boy, this was a better aquisition than I thought. We may even be able to put in some sorghum this year.
[Cut to the living room, where Stewie and LaDonne are sitting on the couch]
Stewie: So, uh, anyway, um, hey! I made you a mix tape! I don't have a dual cassette player, so I had to hold the tape recorder up to the radio, so the quality's kinda sucky, but, y'know, all the songs describe my feelings.
LaDonne starts crying
LaDonne: I'm sorry, Stewie. I'm just upset. Jeremy stopped calling me.
Stewie: HE WHAT? That blaggard! Oh, come here, let me just, let me just hold you for a while.
Stewie cops a feel and gets slapped by LaDonne.
LaDonne: Stewie, NO! That is a bad place to touch! No! No no no no no no no.
Stewie: B-But...but I...I...you...I...Waaaaaaaah! [Stewie starts crying]
LaDonne: No more TV!
Stewie: Well, how about no more job? Hmm? You hear that miss fussybritches? I shall see you fired, damn you! I thought we were going to go all the way and die together like Hitler and Eva Braun!
[Cut to inside a bomb shelter underground Hitler and Eva are sitting on the floor]
Hitler: We do everything together, ja?
Eva: Ja.
Hitler: You got your poison?
Eva: Mmm.
Hitler: Ok, one...two...three.
Both of them open their mouths and start to put the pill up to their mouths, but stop.
Hitler: You didn't do it!
Eva: You didn't do it either!
Hitler: Ok, ok, all right, this time we really have to do it. Ok, ready? Ok.
BOTH: One, two...
They both nearly swallow the pill. But when they see the other won't do it either, they point and laugh.
EVA: You want me to kill myself and you're not going to! You suck! You suck!
HITLER: You suck!
[Cut to the kitchen. Everyone's sitting at the table, Lois is doing dishes]
Brian: Hey Stewie, there's something thunkin' around in the trunk of my car and I can't get in there because somebody busted the lock. You have, uh, any idea what that's about?
Stewie: Oh? Oh, that, pfft. It's this whole, it's this whole crazy thing.
Meg comes in the back door. She's got horseshoes on her feet, the bottom of her feet are all dirty and her clothes are ripped. She takes off the horseshoes and throws one of them.
Lois: Hey, this is not a barn, young lady.
Meg: Ugg, I'm just so exhausted! You know, I thought I'd be happy being with Neil, but I'm not! This is horrible! {starts crying}
Lois: Oh, sweetheart, we'll figure out some way to get you out of this. Brian, did you find any loopholes in the contract?
Brian: Nope, it's airtight. The only way out is if Neil commits an infidelity.
Peter: Well, that's it then, we gotta find somebody to seduce Neil.
Lois: Who, me?
Peter: Well, if not you Lois, than who? Beverly D'Angelo? Cause I don't think she'd do it. And I don't even know how to get a hold of her.
[cut to the living room, LaDonne is sitting on the couch looking depressed]
Stewie: Oh, hello, LaDonne. Listen, I certainly hope you'll excuse last night's indescretion, it was just--oh my God, LaDonne! What's that on your neck?
Stewie blows a dart into LaDonne's neck. LaDonne is knocked out and falls off the couch. Stewie pokes the unconcious LaDonne's boob, laughs, and runs off.
Later that night, Lois comes home.
Stewie: LOIS! Oh thank God you're here, Lois! It was all her friends, they, they were doing marijuana and heroin! (pronounces it "haro-een" and marijuana, "mara-ju-ana") And they were taking Exema and touching each other!
Lois: LaDonne, wake up this instant! {kicks LaDonne}
LaDonne: Wha? I dunno...
Lois: You know what? Don't bother LaDonne! You are fired!
[cut to outside of the house, and then back inside. LaDonne has her purse and is ready to head out the door]
LaDonne: Well, I really don't know how this happened, but I guess this is the last time I get to see you. I'm...I'm gonna miss you, little guy. Oh {reaches into purse, pulls out a tape} this is for you.
Stewie: She...she made me a mix tape?! Oh dear God, what have I done?! I've made a terrible mistake!
Stewie jumps out of Lois' arms and runs outside screaming for LeDonne.
[Cut to a motel. Peter and Meg are outside one of the motel rooms]
Peter: All right, you all set honey?
Lois: {from inside the room} Oh, I can't believe I'm doing this. It's so disgusting, but it's for my little girl.
Meg: Dad, how do you know Neil will show up?
Peter: Don't worry, Meg. I sent him an invitation he couldn't refuse.
Peter tapes a big sign that says "X-MEN CONVENTION" on the door and they run off into the neighboring hotel room.
Neil rides in on a Segway in a poorly made Wolverine costume.
Neil: Hmm....strange...these conventions usually have Segway parking.
Neil opens the door
Neil: Hello? Am I too late for the Q and A?
Lois dressed as Mystique closes the door.
Lois: Yeah, but you're just in time for the T and A. {growls}
Neil: Mrs. Griffin! What are you--
Lois: Shh, you can call me Mystique.
Lois jumps on top of Neil.
Neil: Mrs. Griffin! This is wrong!
Peter and Meg open the door.
Peter: Well, well, well. Look at this, Meg. Your boyfriend is violating both your contract and my wife.
Neil: Meg! I wasn't doing anything! Mrs. Griffin was just-- OWW, you're bending it.
Meg: I don't care. You've nullified the contract. I'm free! {laughs}
Neil: Free? I don't understand, Meg. You don't want to be my girlfriend?
Meg: Well, I thought I did, but I guess I was just jealous.
Neil: I see. Well, Meg, I want you to be with me because you WANT to be with me, not because you have to.
Neil rips up the contract.
Meg: Thank you, Neil.
Neil pulls out a phone and starts dialing.
Neil: Cecilia? It's The Gold-man. How 'bout we fire up the ol' Segway and find a nice, quiet field to do long division in? I-I mean 'a nice, quiet field in which to do long division', sorry. {holds hand up to the phone} Sorry, everybody. {back to talking on the phone} Ok, I'm on my way.
Meg: He's going back to Cecilia? I can't believe I'm actually jealous.
Lois: I can't believe I actually touched him.
Peter: I still can't believe it's not butter! {laughs} Next week, I run for mayor of Quahog. Do I have what it takes? We'll find out, don't miss it.
[While the credits are rolling, we cut to the living room to once again see Meg and Stewie bored on the couch]
Meg: Well, here we are again. Another Saturday night with basic cable.
Stewie: Yep. {sigh} I suppose none of us are really cut out for love, and we--OH MY GOD! JEREMY'S STILL IN THE TRUNK! Oh God, how long's it been? Uh...let's see...two weeks, yep. Yep, he's dead. Definitely dead.