Brian the Bachelor

Cleveland: This is ridiculous. Why did y'all drag me here?
Because you can't just sit home every night since Loretta left.
Yeah, you gotta get out and meet some women.
Cleveland: Well, I suppose I could give it a try. (Walks over to a woman standing by the bar.) Hey, baby. How'd you like to go black and then have to make a difficult decision regarding whether or not to go back?
Woman: Sorry, I went burnt sienna and never went back. (A burnt sierra crayon comes up.)
Crayon: Ready, baby? Who's this clown?
Open up, Stewie. The airplane's coming in for a landing.
I guess the pilot must've been JFK Jr. Ew, even I found that to be in bad taste.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Lois: Good morning, Chris. Oh, my God. Look at the size of that pimple! You're like a circus freak! ( laughs ) I'm kidding. You're just becoming a man, sweetie.
Peter: Yeah, I remember when I became a man.
Doctor: The operation was a success. What are you going to go by now?
Peter: Peter.
You know, Chris, we'll have to do something about that.
Chris: But I don't want to get rid of my zit. I like him. He's my friend. His name is Doug.
Brian: I just wish I didn't have to look at it.
Chris: Well, we have to look at your anus all day.
Stewie: Thank you!
The Bachelorette comes to Quahog in search of male contestants. Story at 11:00. Well, actually, that was pretty much it. Oh, but there'll be other stuff, too. Look, I'm turning down the thermostat. See Diane's erect nipples at 11:00.
Meg: Oh, my God! The Bachelorette is coming to Quahog! That's, like, my favorite show ever!
Brian: Meg, how can you watch that crap? That show's not reality. It's all staged. It's a complete mockery of human relationships.
You know, this could be the perfect way for Cleveland to meet Mrs. Right. I gotta tell him! Hey, Cleveland. Joe? Oh, sorry, I dialed the wrong number. I meant to call Cleveland. No, no, I just wanted to tell him about something. No, no, I'd like to talk to you, too, it's just... Fine. I'll call you after I talk to Cleveland. I don't feel obligated-- I want to.
Chris: You're a good pimple, Doug.
Doug: Feed me!
Chris: ( gasps ) You... talk!
Doug: That's right. And we're gonna raise some hell. All right! Raise some hell!
So, why would you be a good candidate on The Bachelorette?
I would be perfect for your show because I know how to talk dirty to the ladies.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes. That feels so good. Spit in my mouth.
200 auditions, and nothing.
Well, we still got one guy waiting.
You lined up 201 auditions?
What a weird number. You're weird.
Cleveland: Peter, I can't do this. I'm too nervous. I gotta go.
Peter: No, no, Cleveland, I'm not going to let you do this. I'll tie you down if I have to.
Cleveland: Peter, this is only making it worse. Oh, God, my claustrophobia is setting in!
Peter: It's all right, it's all right, it's okay. It's all right. It's the fabric. It's the fabric. It's your clothes. All right, let's get your clothes off.
Cleveland: Peter! Peter, what's wrong with you? I'm naked.
Peter: Oh, God, you're self-conscious. I'm sorry. Here, you know what? Look, look. Cleveland. Look. See? See? Now you're not alone. You're not alone, Cleveland.
Cleveland: Let me out of here! I need to get out of here!
Peter: Cleveland, no. No, you're staying. This, this for your own good. This is for your own good.
Oh, my God!
Hi, we're here for the interview. Uh, excuse me?
Brian: Hi. Yeah, listen, I just wanted to apologize for Peter. He was just trying to help out his friend. You see, his wife left him and he's been kind of lonely, confused about what he really wants.
What's your name?
Brian: Brian.
Congratulations, Brian. You're gonna be on The Bachelorette. Really? You sure you don't wanna reconsider my friend?
Let me see, let me see. Oh-ho, that ain't bad.
Brian, I can't believe you're gonna be on The Bachelorette.
Yeah, I thought you said those shows were stupid.
Brian: They are stupid, but I figure I got a few days of free booze and free food before they kick me off. I could use a vacation.
Stewie: Oh, yes, 'cause you've got such a heavy workload around here. Hmm, how you, uh... how you coming on that novel you working on? Hmm? Got a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Got a, got a, got a nice little story you working on there? Your big -big novel you've been working on for three years? ( voice rising in pitch ) Hmm? Got a, got a compelling protagonist, eh? Got a, got an obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Got a story brewing there? Working on... Working on that for quite some time, huh? Yeah, talking about that three years ago. You've been working on that the whole time? Nice little, uh, narrative-- beginning, middle and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? Eh? At the end your main character is richer ( voice still higher in pitch ) for the experience, yeah? Yeah? Yeah, you've got, uh-- no, no. You deserve some time off. I'm super-excited. You think she'll be hot? I bet she'll be hot. I think she'll be hot, too!
No way-- so do I!
Quagmire?
Oh. Hey, Brian. How did you get on the show?
I had to do a few favors.
I gotta get on that show! Come on, I'll do anything!
Anything ?
Uh, yeah . All right.
Okay, you ready?
Yep.
Okay, check under the bed.
Nope. Nothing.
Check in the closet.
No. No monsters in here.
Now check the bathroom.
Nope, none in here either.
Okay, good.
So, can I be on The Bachelorette?
Yeah. Goodnight.
Lois: Peter, I 'm getting a little worried about Chris. All he does lately is sit alone in his room talking to that zit.
Peter: Oh, relax, Lois. What's a zit going to do? Talk to him and tell him to sneak out of the house and cause trouble?
Doug: Now light it, ring the doorbell, and run like hell!
Chris: I don't know about this, Doug.
Doug: Just do it! ( doorbell rings )
Joe: Oh, good Lord! Is that. .. Doody!
Bonnie: I'm doing the dishes, Joe. I'll change you in a minute.
Trevor, this is Brooke, the Bachelorette.
Trevor: I wasn't too nervous. I mean, when I'm nervous I work out and I wasn't working out, so I must not have been nervous. I was... I was very pleased and surprised.
Brian: I really was not expecting an open bar. Top shelf booze, I tell you. And this guy knew his stuff. Made me a mojito. I don't think it's a gay drink. Mo-ji-to.
Quagmire: ( breathlessly ) Giggity... giggity... giggity. ..
Hi, guys ! Well, it 's been great to meet you all and I'm looking forward to getting to know you while we're here!
Quagmire: Giggity... giggity... giggity. .. (sighing)
Trevor: Dude, put your pants on.
Quagmire : shut up! Well, I really like all the guys, but some of them seem Sa little too competitive. I uh, I gotta tell ya, I don't know what she would possibly see in Count Chocula. I-I thin k he's just here because he's a minority.
Chris: You were right, Doug! Mischief is fun! We're the best pals since the Snorks.
Oh, I'm having a really great time.
Me, too.
I really value our friendship.
You're not like those other snorks who only want one thing. Oh, that was clumsy. Hang on a second.
Gentlemen, it's time for the first rose ceremony. Who gets to stay and who takes the bus ride home? It's up to Brooke. Trevor. That's what Trevor's talking about. Hey, can I say hi to a friend of mine? Uh, sure . Hi, Jesus! No way! ( phone ringing ) Hello? I know, I saw! Glenn. ( goofy squealing ) ( sighing )
Brooke: Brian.
Brian: What? Are you serious?
Brooke: I feel like I didn't get to know you at all. Would you accept this rose?
Brian: ( sighing) All right, but I think this whole thing is about as pointless as Peter's cow kite.
Ah, this is never gonna work. Damn cow .
Cleveland, what am I doing wrong?
You gott a get her running before you start running.
Chris? Chris, honey, can I talk to you? Oh, my God, he's gone.
Stewie: Ooh, that means this room is mine now. Man, I'm going to party my ass off in here.
Great pot, Stewie.
Stewie: Yeah, I got it from our cleaning lady's boyfriend. It's okay, though, 'cause she's gonna use the money to get a mammogram.
Lois: Chris! Where have you been?
Chris: Doug told me I don't need to listen to you.
Lois: Doug? Your pimple? Oh, that is it! First thing tomorrow we're going down to Goldman's pharmacy and get some astringent to get rid of that thing.
Doug: What did I tell you? She's trying to drive us apart. We can't let that happen. I am in no mood!
Welcome to the Saddleback Ranch, and our first group date! Is every one ready for a little cowboy action? I love horses.
Sorry I' m late, Brian. Here's your ride.
Brian: Oh, come on. You can' t expect me to ride that thing.
Sorry, we're short on horses. ( sighing ) You know what? Forget it. I'll just go smoke. Hey, there, Adam.
Hello, Henry. I have the power! ( thundering )
Brian: Brooke? What are you doing here?
Brooke: Ooh, I just can't take it anymore. All these guys just coming on to me. I had to sneak off. Oh, could I bum one of those?
Brian: You know , I don't even know why I agreed to do this show. This is just so not me. I would much rather just be home, listening to my old jazz records.
Brooke: Really? You know , I actually have quite a jazz collection myself.
Brian: Who do you like?
Brooke: DJ Jazzy Jeff.
Brian: Oh.
Brooke: I'm kidding. ( laughing )
Brian: Oh! You got me. You got me, yeah.
Brooke: No, I really like Coleman Hawkins, Ben Webster... ooh, and early Coltrane, before he got clean.
Brian:Yeah, yeah, no junk, no soul.
Brooke: No kidding. I mean, look at Chevy Chase.
Brian: Right, right. You know , I gotta say, I thought she was just some actress looking for her 15 minutes of fame, but she's, uh... she's pretty sharp, you know? I guess you can't judge a Brooke by her cover. ( chuckling ) You can... you can cut that out, right? Oh, and maybe you can cut when I said "junk" earlier, the whole Chevy Chase thing. Seems like he's probably the kind of guy who might sue. I mean, the guy's gotta have no money left.
All right, gentlemen, let's see how Glenn's private date with Brooke is going.
Hey, Brooke, what do you say we get you some more champagne?
Sure.
( chuckling ) All right.
Oh, hey, uh, forgot about you guys.
Well, I guess the date's over. Good night, Brooke. Thanks for a lovely evening. (Quagmire sniffing )
Aaahhh! Oh, my God, Peter! It looks like there's been a break-in!
Duh... do you think so? ( bell ringing ) Oh, God, they're back! ( screaming ) Whoa! Awesome! Totally awesome! All righ t, Goldman! What the hell's your problem, Mort?
Oh, I'm sorry, Peter. I though t you were one of those criminals who broke in and destroyed my entire stock of acne medication.
Lois: Oh, my God. Peter, d o you think Chris might have done this?
Peter: Come on, Lois, he doesn't have the wild streak you had when you were younger. For God' s sake, you used to make plaster molds of celebrity body parts.
Lois: Okay, Daryl, it's almost dry. Very nice, by the way. This one 's going on the shelf right next to Dan Fogelberg.
Oates (?) :Hey, Lois. Am I up next?
Lois: Just wait in your dressing room. I'll come back for you, Oates. ( door closes ) I'm not coming back for Oates.
Brooke: Glenn, will you accept this rose?
Quagmire: Really? After I drugged you and tried to have sex with your unconscious body?
Brooke: What?
Quagmire: Yes.
This is the final rose tonight. Brian. Yes! Yeah, you know, I mean, I know I was skeptical at first, but I... I gotta be honest, I've never felt this way about anyone before. I mean... I'm in love. That's i t. I'm in love. I finally understand those songs on the radio. ? What did you think I would do at this moment ? ? When you're standing before me with tears in your eyes... ?
Oh, Brian, I can't 't wait to meet your family.
( nervously ): Yeah, me, too. They're, uh, pretty great. Peter: Brian! Welcome home, you son of a bitch! So, did you lose? ! You got to tell me all about it. Hey, how was the bachelorette? Was she a dumb bimbo, like you said, but with a big rack? ( laughs ) Come on in and tell me everything. I bet your stories will make me laugh so hard I shoot milk out of my nose.
Brian: Um, Peter, this is Brooke, the bachelorette. She's, uh, having dinner with us tonight. I went over this with you a few minutes ago.
Peter:(laughing and then shooting milk out of his nose)
Well, it's wonderful to meet you. We've heard so ma ny nice things. Yes, indeed. So, how long have you been a prostitute? No, Doug, I will not lift up her shirt! Chris, we have co mpany! So... you, uh, yo u ever been with a woman? Um, no. Peter! What? ( screams ) There , are you happy, Doug? ( sobbing )
Christopher Cross Griffin, what are you doing?! Joe, what are you doing here?

Joe:Peter, Lois, we h ave proof that it was Chris who vandalized Goldman's Pharmacy. I knew it. I knew it! I didn't want to believe it, but it's true.
Oh, God, what happened to my baby?! Who sold you the drugs? I can't believe t his! ( all shouting at once )
JOE: Do you know what a cavity search is? You made my mom c
some wonderful times. I really like you ... Look, I understand. It's okay. I hope you and Quagmire have all the happiness in the world.
But I'm choosing you.
Just promise me y ou'll make him wear thi... What? You're choosing me? After what happened with my family? Well, it wasn't as bad as the evening I spent with Glenn and his mother. (Mittens meowing )
Mrs. Quagmire: Glenn, would you feed Mittens?
Quagmire: Mittens has food in his bowl.
Mrs. Quagmire: That's old food. (Mittens meowing )
Quagmire: Mittens, shut up. Mittens, shut up!
Mrs. Quagmire: Don't you talk to Mittens that way! Mittens is a member of this family!
Quagmire: Mom, you want this three-way to happen, you're going to have to change your tone.
Brian: My God, you've just made me the happiest dog in the world. I love you, Brooke.
Brooke: I love you too, Brian. All right, that's a wrap. Well, it was great working with you, Brian. Good luck.
Brian: What? What are you talking about? Wh-What about us?
Oh, stop it. It' s just TV.
Michael Eisner: Hi , Brian.
Brian: Michael Eisner?
Michael: On behalf of ABC, I'd like to give you this parting gift.
Brian: The bill for the mansion?
Michael: No givesies backsies! ( phone line rings ) Uh, hey, Brooke. It's, uh, it's me again-- Brian. Hi. Wasn't sure if you got my last message. Or, uh, any of the other ones. Um, anyway, I'll just leave a quick message, 'cause you might be trying to call me right now and I don't want to tie up the line, so, I guess, um... Uh, I guess, yeah, give me a call. Okay, I'm hanging up. In three, two, one. Okay, call me back. I'll be here. All day. And tonight. Okay, bye. (phone rings) Uh, hey, me again. Thought I might have heard a voice when I was hanging up. Nope? Guess not. Okay, I will talk to you soon. Hello? No, sorry. Hey, babe, just trying you again, listening to our guy Coltrane... you know, okay... Anyway, I got a fax earlier about cheap airfare to Cancun. Didn't know if that was you trying to reach me. Uh, you know, let me give you my home number again, just in case you lost it... Electronic voice: voice mail is full. Damn.
Delivery Man: (doorbell ringing) Package for Brooke Roberts.
Brooke: Oh, that's me, thanks.
Brian: (on new machine) Uh, hey, there. Me again. Your voice mail was full, so I got you this answering machine. So, uh, what's go ing on?! I'm thinking about doing something tonight...
Brian: Hey, you're home.
Brooke: Listen, Brian, I want you to leave me alone or I am calling the cops.
Brian: ? Brooke, I'm so in love with you... ?
Doug: Aw! Oh! Aw! Aw! Chris, where the hell are we?
Chris: I told you, Doug, thi s is the bacon factory. Doctor, I need you to get rid of this zit!
Doug: You traitor!
Doctor: Whoa, that's a doozy. I bet some of those awful kids at school call you zit face. "No." Papa Zit? "No." Puss Peak? "No." Fat ass? Well, yeah. Tsk, tsk. Oh, that's terrible. Well, we're going to have to use some cortisone on that.
Doug: Oh, yeah? Two can play at that game. (gunshot) Don't think I won't do it, man!
Chris: All right, all right, let's all be cool here... (grunting)
Doctor: No! Whew! You okay, fat ass?
Brian: She told me she loved me, on what used to be a hit TV show. God, I can't believe I got sucked in to that phony reality world just like everyone else. I became the very thing I was mocking.
Stewie: Oh, I know it hurts now, Brian, but look at the bright side. You have some new material for that novel you've been writing. You know, the novel you've been working on. You know, the one you've been working on for three years? (voice rising in pitch): You know, the novel? Got something new to write about now, you know? Maybe your... maybe your main character gets into a relationship? (voices rises in pitch again) Suffers a little heartbreak? Something like what-what you've been... you've just been through? Draw from real-life experiences? A little heartbreak, you know, work it into the story? Make those characters a little more three dimensional? (very high pitch) A little richer experience for the reader? Make those second hundred pages really keep the reader guessing what's going to happen? Some twists and turns? (squeaking in high falsetto) A little epilogue? Everybody learns the hero's journey isn't always a happy one? (normal voice) Oh, I look forward to reading it.