Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

NARRATOR: In the television comedy world, the people are entertained...
by two separate yet equally important types of shows.
Traditional sitcoms that get laughs out of everyday situations...
like trying to fix your own plumbing or inviting two dates to the same dance.
And animated shows that make jokes about farting. This is the latter.
Sorry. I just farted.
[Law & Order theme song]
I'm glad you guys could come tonight.
Chris, honey, we wouldn't miss your open house.
You kids are the most important thing in our lives.
Oh, my God! We forgot Meg.
Don't worry about Meg. She's got everything she needs in her room.
Most of the time, the kids'll exercise out in the field.
But if it's raining or I'm hung-over, they stay inside and play dodge ball.
I love dodge ball! Heads up!
And this week in Home Ec, we're teaching your kids...
how to make bundt cake.
I love bundt cake! Heads up!
The school band offers a wide variety of instruments...
from the kettledrum to the trombone.
I love the trombone!
[Playing soulful tune]
Wow!
I know, isn't he wonderful? He took lessons in junior college.
Heads up!
I like meeting Chris's teachers. This ought to be more interesting than...
that time I met Ted Danson.
Wow! Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen!
Always nice to meet a fan.
Oh, shoot! I forgot my umbrella.
That's okay, honey. Come on over here.
Thanks, dear.
Sometimes it's good to be a freak. Do you want to sleep together later?
No. Thanks, though.
Good evening, parents. I'm Ms. Clifton. I'd like for you to fill out these...
contact information sheets. Now, who would like to pass them out?
Ms. Clifton, over here!
Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton!
Mrs. Griffin.
I'm sorry. Will you all please excuse me for a moment?
MAN: [On TV] Tonight's winning lottery numbers are...
6, 21, 18, 7, 42.
Oh, my God! I won!
I'm free from all those snot-nosed, little bastards!
I'm free!
[Ms. Clifton laughing maniacally]
- Is she coming back? - I don't know.
[Audience laughing]
I can't believe Ms. Clifton's gone. Who's gonna teach my class now?
Brian, why don't you teach Chris's class?
You're very knowledgeable, the kids might knock you down a few pegs...
which would be good for you.
You know, that is a terrific idea, Lois. I probably have a lot to offer young people.
What's he going to teach them?
How to lick the Dorito crumbs from between the sofa cushions?
Or how to leave a dead bird on the carpet?
That was a gift, you bastard.
That was a gift for the family.
Good morning, class. I'm your substitute teacher, Brian Griffin.
Good morning, Mr. Griffin.
Please. Call me Brian. Mr. Griffin is my father.
I thought your father's name was Cocoa, and he was hit by a milk truck!
All right. Our goal here is to gain a command of the English language.
So you can be successful writers like Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.
There. Finished. Good Will Hunting by Matt Damon.
You think we could put both our names on that?
What? You've done nothing but eat Breyer's and smoke pot...
for the last six months.
Oh, that's... Come on! I helped.
Oh, yeah? Okay, write a line. Just right now.
- Just pitch me a line right now. - Okay.
[Farts]
How about that?
- That wasn't a line. You just farted. - Is there anymore pot?
So, how was your first day, Mr. Kotter?
Yeah, Chris. What's it like to have Brian as a teacher?
It sucks! Mr. Griffin gave me an F on my first assignment!
What? An F, Brian? After all Chris has done for you?
Yeah. Just kind of pull it out. Yeah.
If dogs aren't supposed to eat dental floss out of the garbage...
why do they make it mint-flavored?
Chris, when I was in school, you know what we used to do...
when a teacher gave us a bad grade?
- What? - We'd egg his house.
- Come on. Where's this bastard live? - I'll show you.
That's his house!
- Take that! - I got it!
Take that, you bum!
What the hell are you doing?
- Is that him? - Yeah!
Oh, crap!
[In Southern accent] Hello, class. Mark Twain here, filling in for Brian Griffin.
I understand you children read my book, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.
Yeah, we read it.
Now, who can tell me... Bobby, stop screwing around back there!
Who can tell me the significance of the carpetbaggers in my novel?
Yeah. They stood for corruption and greed.
That's exactly right. Just like the presidency of James Garfield.
He died in office.
You kids are mighty smart. You must have a powerful good teacher.
Well, I gotta catch my time steamboat back to the 1800s.
- Sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything? - Yeah! Cap'n Crunch was here.
Didn't you pass him on the stairs?
Well, I hope the rest of you kids learned something today.
Yeah.
[Over P.A. system] Good morning, this is Principal Sloan.
Mr. Griffin, you've been reassigned.
Please report to Remedial English.
Reassigned? Can I at least come down to your office and talk to you about this?
No. I'm afraid I'm far too busy today.
Estoban, mucho tension lower.
Little lower. Lower.
Lower.
[Singing in shrill voice] On top of old Smokey
Gosh, I was really starting to like this job.
It was nice interacting with intelligent people.
I usually hang out with an idiot.
Brian, check it out. I made a water slide in the house.
[Groaning in pain]
I'm not gonna call the hospital because you won't learn anything if I do.
Well, kids, I'll see you later.
Pardon me. Is this first-period English?
I'm your new teacher, Mrs. Lockhart.
Oh, my God. I'm in love.
Watch out for the stairs!
[Crashing]
- Good morning, class. - Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart.
I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well.
Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris?
Two D's and an F.
[Funky instrumental music playing]
Hi. I'm Mr. Griffin. But you can call me Brian.
Mr. Griffin is my father.
[Gunshot]
Well, has anybody read Huckleberry Finn?
All right. How about we go around the room and everyone can say...
a little something about themselves?
Let's start with you there in the front.
My name's Tim. I'm 28 years young.
And I love weed.
My name is Carlos. And beneath my tough exterior is a boy aching to learn.
And beneath that is a rapist.
My name is Amanda. And my water just broke.
- Oh, my God! - Yo, it's my turn to deliver.
Can I have this one? My mom keeps giving mine away.
Dad, I need some advice. I need to know how to get a girl to like me.
Chris, buddy, there's a million ways to do that.
You just got to do something simple, like Vincent van Gogh.
It's... What is this?
It's my ear. Do you like it?
You don't like it.
No, I like it. But it's just... Why your ear?
Because I love you.
Well, at least this will be a funny story to tell our kids someday.
You want kids? Oh, yikes.
I wish you'd told me that before I got you this.
Did I hear my big boy say he's got a crush on some lucky girl?
You know, Chris, I knew this day would come. So, I brought you a condom.
Use it wisely, though. It wasn't easy to obtain.
[Man and woman moaning]
MAN: What the hell are you doing?
WOMAN: Give that back! MAN: Man!
WOMAN: Now, where were we? MAN: This is much better.
Chris, honey, the way to win a girl is to do something romantic and unexpected.
Remember the naked spaceman, Lois?
Yeah. You remember the naked spaceman.
On my 25th birthday, your father surprised me by showing up...
in nothing but a space helmet and moon boots.
It just came to me.
- You want some Tang, Mr. Spaceman? - Do I?
Just remember, fat man, those jugs are mine until the milk dries up.
Then you can have the remains.
So, basically, what Orwell was saying was, "It's not perfect but I'll take it."
All right, moving on...
CHRIS: Sorry, I'm late, Mrs. Lockhart.
Oh, my God, Chris! What are you doing?
Being romantic and unexpected.
Chris, you can't be so impulsive.
People have gotten into a lot of trouble that way.
- Marie? - Yeah, Donny?
We cannot tell Mom.
So, Chris, what's the latest with your little girlfriend?
I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all.
Mrs. Lockhart? Your teacher?
Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Lois, this is not my Batman glass.
Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher.
Gross!
You know what else is gross?
[Farts]
Broke a damn blood vessel!
How's it coming, dog?
God! Just listen to this kid's report on Great Expectations.
"Miss Havisham should have throwed that cake out so it don't like...
"mess all up the bitch's house."
I don't know what to do, you know? Society's given up on these kids.
I feel like I may be the only one who can help them.
I think your problem is you're not communicating in a way...
that speaks to their experience.
You know what you should do?
Get in there tomorrow and do the robot.
Wow. You know, you're right. Maybe I should just try...
a whole new approach. Thanks.
[Funky music playing on stereo]
Okay, you can stop that now.
I can't hear you. I'm a robot.
- Come on, knock it off. - Does not compute.
- I'm going to bed. - I do not require sleep.
Let's see the kid with the hearing aid from Barney do this.
All right. So's I'm chilling in Verona when my homie busts out with:
"Yo, Romeo. Check out that biotch Juliet in the window."
Problem is, Juliet's peeps are, like, East Coast rappers...
and my posse's representing West Side.
Just like my boys Tupac and Biggie. Know what I'm saying?
- That's racist, man. - Yeah, that's just straight ignorant, dog.
It's good to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
We wanted to talk to you about our son. You see, Chris really...
Lois, honey, let's make sure we do this delicately, all right?
Mrs. Lockhart, our son...
would like to plow you.
I had a feeling that's what was going on.
Sorry. Our son can sometimes be a boob. I mean a melon.
I mean, a sopping-wet pair of breasts barely covered by a racing t-shirt.
Mrs. Lockhart, we just wanted you to know...
so you could spare his feelings and let him down gently.
Don't worry. I know exactly what to say to Chris.
Thank you so much. You've been very understanding.
Gosh. You know, I don't mean to impose, but do you have a picture of yourself...
that I could tape to the back of Lois's head?
[Rapping on window]
- Mrs. Lockhart? - Chris, come down here.
I need to talk to you.
Why are you here?
'Cause I couldn't stand to be away from you for another moment.
I think I'm falling in love with you.
- I love you, too! - The only problem is I'm married.
Therefore, there's only one thing to do.
Make a flip book of a stick figure whose head gets bigger and bigger...
and bigger and then pops?
This isn't a flip book, Chris. They're instructions.
If we're going to be together, I need you to kill my husband.
Do you have any idea what time it is?
Get in the house, fatty!
Chris, you big beautiful man, I'm so glad you came.
Up the stairs, second door on the left. He should still be asleep.
- Mrs. Lockhart, I don't think I can do this. - What?
Maybe you could just get a divorce, and we could live together...
in the fort under my bed.
Fine. I'll do it myself. But we're through.
Okay. But I got to give you the password, or you can't get into the fort.
[Door bangs shut]
It's taco. Taco!
Good God! Look at the fat man's underwear.
It looks like a Jackson Pollock painting. Don't put that in with my things!
What's this?
You know, Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pockets.
She's more respectful than that.
Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.
Oh, my God!
Chris is gonna murder Mrs. Lockhart's husband!
We got to stop him!
Can we stop at the supermarket? I want a Granny Smith apple.
How's your oatmeal, honey?
You know, it tastes kind of different than usual.
Oh, my God! There's a bear in my oatmeal.
[Mr. Lockhart screaming]
[Bear growling]
Yeah, I know. I'm late. Okay, let's just get started.
Yo, man, what's that thing in the middle?
What, this? You got to be freaking kidding me.
That's an ampersand. It's a symbol for the word "and."
My God, nobody can be this stupid. Not even Peter when he took...
that blow to the head and thought he was Larry from Three's Company.
Jack, there's a hot tub party across the street and we're invited.
And don't worry. If Mr. Furley comes by, I'll make sure he thinks you're...
Mr. Griffin, chillax. We're doing the best we can.
There is nothing I would like to do more than chillax, Amanda.
But without a decent education, you could spend the rest of your life...
as a ditch digger or a motel maid or a hooker.
- I could be a ditch digger? - A motel maid?
I could be a hooker?
Well, no. You don't want to be a hooker.
Wow, Mr. Griffin! You're the first teacher that ever told us we could do anything.
Well, I didn't mean sell your body for money.
"O, Captain! my Captain!"
No, you're actually misunderstanding.
"O, Captain! my Captain!"
Well, if it works for you, I guess...
"O, Captain! my Captain!"
What the hell? Be the best damn hooker you can be.
"O, Captain! my Captain!"
In your case, I'd get the money up front.
[Groaning]
Jack, twins! Swedish. My place. Now.
We're too late! Oh, my God.
Okay, I gotta call the police.
What's that smell?
Dead body, right. That's what that is.
I just had a dream I was an egg, and I was being hatched by Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
No, wait a minute. I can't call the police.
I have to get rid of this body, or Chris'll go to prison!
And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen Oz.
[Singing]Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there
Whether you're white or bronze
A man can wash another man in the merry old land of Oz
All right, wait here, Stewie, while Mommy gets the cement blocks.
- Everything all right here? - Fine, Officer. Just enjoying the sunset.
No law against that, is there?
- What happened to your shirt? - You know, just a pizza party at the office.
Yeah? Where do you work?
First Fidelity Insurance over on Wabossette Street.
- My cousin, Arnie, works over there. - Arnie's your cousin, is he?
- You know him? - Somewhat.
Good middle-management type. Just blends in with the furniture there.
Never really wowed anyone at the office.
Yeah, that's always been Arnie's problem. Well, take it easy.
Yes. You, too. And if you see Arnie, tell him:
[Gibbering]
He'll know what it means.
You know what I hate? A guy in a blue suit.
[Exclaims]
There's one right behind me, isn't there?
You know, Lois, Chris is cool and everything, but since he killed that guy...
I don't know. Maybe he shouldn't be living with us here now.
Peter, I'm scared.
Don't worry, sweetheart. You'll have plenty of time to escape...
while he's killing Meg. He hates her the most.
Hey, everybody. What's for dinner? I'm starving.
My God, his blood lust is unquenchable!
Chris, why don't you take your sister into the kitchen for a sandwich?
I don't want to die!
Why is everybody acting weird?
Chris, honey, we know what you did.
And I have to say, honestly, I don't approve.
What I did? That I lied about my age to get into Indian Bingo?
No.
That I had hard gas and pooed myself?
Close, but still no.
How is that close?
For God's sake, Chris! You murdered Mr. Lockhart!
What? No, I didn't!
Come on. Everybody's done something they're not proud of.
Like when I used to be a Wonder Twin.
Peter, the old schoolhouse is on fire! Let's go!
Wonder Twin powers, activate!
Form of a hawk!
- Come on, Peter. - Yeah, I'll be right behind you.
Shape of Jayna's tampon.
PETER: And now I play the waiting game.
Chris, I saw the body.
Premeditated murder is one thing, but I will not have lying in this house.
Wait, hold it. Can we finish this after Joan of Arcadia?
Is Joan of Arcadia on?
All right.
Must be good.
Enjoyable program.
We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a breaking news story.
We apologize to Joan of Arcadia's sanctimonious, fear-based...
and probably overweight viewers.
That's right, Diane. It appears Ronald Lockhart...
has been brutally murdered by his wife, Lana, and a local bear.
Well, I'll be damned. Chris, I guess we owe you an apology.
That's okay. I just wonder what happened to Ms. Lockhart and that bear.
The whereabouts of these suspects are currently unknown.
- You ready? - What's that?
I thought we'd try that lobster place we passed in the car.
- Yeah, can I just finish watching this? - You can watch TV anytime. I'm starving.
Lana, this is gonna be a real long trip if you don't knock off the crap!
Love you.