North by North Quahog

Peter is addressing the family, who is sitting on the couch.
Peter: Everybody, I got bad news: We've been canceled!
Lois: Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that?
Peter: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Skin, Girl's Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick, Luis, and Greg the Bunny.
Lois: Is there no hope?
Peter: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot.
Theme Song
Peter is watching television. Brian enters.
Brian: What are you watching, Peter?
Peter: Passion of the Christ. I tell you, Brian, I can't believe that this guy is just lying there taking it. If it was me, I would have done something about it
Cut Scene: Peter is being lashed with a cat-"o"-nine-tails.
Peter: AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! Hey, hey, hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it. Stop it.
Guard: OK.
Peter: OK?
Guard: OK.
Peter: All right.
End cut scene. Lois enters.
Lois: Hi boys.
Peter: I didn't have my hands down my pants!
Lois: Hmmmm, good for you. I got us some new sheets from Bed, Bath, and Beyond
Peter: Oh boy, I hope you stayed away from the "Beyond" section.
Cut-Scene: Peter approaches the "Beyond" Section. He opens the doors and enters a space-time void.
Peter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH--Oh, here are the coffee mugs.
end cut scene.
Peter and Lois are in bed. Peter is flipping through channels; Lois is reading a book. Lois puts down the book and leans over to Peter
Lois: Honey, what do you say we, uh, christen these new sheets, huh?
Peter: Why, Lois Griffin, you naughty girl.
Lois: *giggles* That's me.
Peter: You dirty hustler.
Lois: *chuckles*
Peter: You filthy, stinking prostitute.
Lois: Haha-OK, I get it.
Peter: You foul, venereal-disease-carrying, street-walking whore.
Lois: All right, that's enough!
Peter and Lois's lovemaking is making a creaking noise which others in the house can hear. Stewie is asleep. In his dream he associates the creaking with the creaking of his rocking chair. He says
Stewie: Aaaah, it's good to have land.
Peter and Lois are making making sex noises.
Lois: Oh, oh.... GEORGE!
Peter: George? Who the hell is George?!
Lois: George Clooney?
Peter: Our sex is so dull for you that you got to fantasize about George Clooney?
Lois: I'm sorry, honey, I guess that things have become a little stale for me.
Peter: Well I, I don't know what to do, I mean I don't really know that much about any kinky stuff. I mean I, I could hook this car battery up to my nipples. AH! AH! AH! AH! OH GOD! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! This doing it for ya? OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!
Lois: Oh, I don't know. I just don't feel that spark anymore; I mean... our honeymoon, ah so much rugburn!
Peter: Wait a second, Lois, that's what we need. We'll go on a second honeymoon!
Lois: *gasp* Peter, that's a wonderful idea!
Peter: Yeah, we'll be just like "The Honeymooners."
Cut Scene. It's the Honeymooners.
Ralph: One of these days, Alice. One of these days.
Alice: Yeah, yeah I know, Ralph; Right to the moon.
Laughter. Ralph punches Alice in the face. The audience gasps and Ralph has a look of shock on his face. He slowly backs towards the door and sprints out. end cut scene.
Lois: Well that's everything. Now, remember, kids, Brian is in charge while your father and I are out at Cape Cod.
Brian: I'll take good care of them, Lois, you guys have a good time.
Group: Bye.
Chris: Bye, mom, I LOVE YOU!
Stewie: You know, Brian if i choose to make stool in my pants right now, you're the only one here to change me. What do you think of that? Hmmmmm?
Brian: I'm not going to change you.
Stewie: What?
Brian: I said I'm not going to change you.
Stewie: Oh you can't be serious. What if--what if i make a fudgie? Well I just wont. I just won't, that's all, I just won't. BLAST! I just did.
Meg: AH! Chris, cut it out. Brian, Chris just picked his nose and he keeps touching me with his finger!
Chris: What good is mining nose gold if i cant share it with the townspeople?
Brian: I swear to god, these kids are going to make me put a bullet through my head.
Stewie: Well, if I was in charge, we wouldn't be having this problem right now.
Brian: Well, you've got some ideas, tell me.
Stewie: Oh I'll tell you of course. I'll want a favor in exchange.
Brian is changing Stewie.
Stewie: Ahahaha how does it smell, dog, does it smell like servitude? Ahaha! Aft torpedos fire!
Interior of car. Peter is driving and Lois is sleeping.
Peter: Lois? Hey, Lois, honey? Sweetheart? Peter swerves the car so Lois hits her head on the window. Oh you,re awake, hey, will you pass me the pretzels?
Lois: Peter, where are we?
Peter: About two hours from Cape Cod's most luxurious Bed & Breakfast.
Lois: Oh, Peter, this is going to be so wonderful I'm so excited i want to prep my diaphragm right now.
Peter: Hehehe. Gross. Hey why don't you go back to sleep? I'll wake you when we get there.
Lois: Ok.
Peter slides a comic book up in front of the windshield, so he can't see where he's driving. The comic appears to have Jughead near a pile of hamburgers.
Peter: Hehehehehe, look at all those hamburgers. You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fellow--Peter realizes he's swerving off the road. Oh jeeze! Peter rights the car and then slides the comic back up. Oh! he's going to do it. Oh, he's so ridiculous. You hear me, you ridiculous man?? You're -- whoa!!!
The car crashes into a tree.
Lois: Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? I fall asleep for ten minutes and you plow the car into a tree? Oh my god, you got to pay attention to the road! We could have been killed! Will you look at the front of our car? It's totaled, it's completely totaled! Oh this is terrific, how are we gonna get--oh my god, I knew I should have driven. I should always drive. I can not trust you--
During the above rant, Peter starts to slide the comic book back up into his field of vision, this time blocking Lois.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Peter and Lois are in a rundown motel.
Lois: Dear God, this is where we're sleeping?
Peter: Aw, come on Lois. They said they'd have the car fixed by tomorrow and then our second honeymoon's [is this wrong?] be right back on track, eh?
Lois: Peter, there's a hooker on the bed.
Hooker: Hi
Peter: Stand perfectly still Lois, their vision is based on movement.
Hooker: where'd you go?
'Chris and Meg are watching television
TV Announcer: And now back to "Two and a Half Men"
Two and a Half Men appears to be about....two men and then half of another. The torso of the half man cries out.
Torso: AAAAAAAAAH! Help me!
Meg: Turn it Chris, I wanna watch George Lopez.
Chris: That show only encourages the stereotype that George Lopez is funny. Give me that.
Meg: Chris give me the remote. Chris stop. Chris! Chris grabs her hat. *gasp* My hat!
Chris: stuffs the hat down his pants. Ahahaha! Wear it now!
Brian: Hey, uh, uh, you two better settle down. Chris, give Meg her hat.
Chris: I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog; you don't have a soul.
Brian: Ow.
Stewie: Don't take that. Raise your voice to them.
Brian: HEY! Knock it off! Chris and Meg immediately behave. You kids are obviously in need of some type of activity so uh I don't know what do you say we read a book or something. Stewie, What does Peter have on his bookshelf?
Stewie: Uh, two "Garfield" books and the novelization of the movie "Caddyshack."
Brian: Reading to everyone. "Nananananananananana," said Ty, sinking yet another ball. "Nananananananananana." phone rings Oh hang on.
Meg: Oh thank god.
Stewie: Reading Garfield at Large by Jim Davis. Now as you can see in this panel, Garfield doesn't care for Nermal. But like him or not, Nermal is here to stay! Or is he? Let's read on.
Brian: over phone OK, I'll be there. To Stewie Peter and Lois were supposed to chaperone Chris's school dance tomorrow night. So I guess it's up to me.
Stewie: You mean it's up to us. Clearly you need my help with this parenting thing you're too stupid to do it alone. Besides I know how to deal with children unlike Mr. Gepetto.
Cutaway scene of Pinocchio and Gepetto.
Gepetto: Oh no, I dropped my glasses. bends over, away from Pinocchio, to pick them up. Uh, by the way, Pinocchio, there was a cookie missing from the jar. Did you, uh did you take it by any chance?
Pinocchio: Yes, papa Gepetto, I'm sorry.
Gepetto: Are you sure you took it? Because I'd believe you if you said you didn't.
Pinocchio: No I took it, papa. I wouldn't lie to you.
Gepetto: You could try and, who knows, you might get away with it.
Cutaway ends. Peter and Lois.
Peter: 900 bucks to fix the car that was all the money we had for this trip.
Lois: the second honeymoon was a sepcial thought but maybe we should just go home
Tom Tucker: Coming up, handsome moustachioed man recaps news in pleasing baritone. Stay tuned for this and more.
Diane Simmons: But first, Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa is on hand for the opening of Manhattan's newest luxury hotel.
Tricia Takanawa: Diane, I'm standing outside the Park Barrington Hotel, because they dont allow Asians inside.
Peter: Fancy place. Boy, that would make some second honeymoon, huh?
Tricia Takanawa: The Park Barrington is already attracting some big names, such as Christianity enthusiast Mel Gibson who has his own room on permannt reserve. A room which he barely uses.
Peter: Barely uses, huh? Lois, I just got an idea much better than that time I experimented with gene splicing.
Cutaway scene of Peter walking into the kitchen. He has a moose head.
Peter: Uh, Lois, quick question: do we have any tylenol?
Cut to Chris's school dance
Stewie: Oh, how I envy them, dog. They've got their whole lives ahead of them.
Brian: Oh man, look at that kid. That is one ugly eighth grader.
Herbert: You dont want to hurt yourself dancing. Make sure you stretch out those creamy hamstrings.
Interior of the men's room.
Friend: Come on Chris its just vodka. Jake swiped it from his dad's liquor cabinet.
Jake: Yeah, see? it's good!
Chris: Well, OK maybe just one sip
Teacher: Christopher Griffin, is that alcohol? Mister, you are in serious trouble.
G.I. Joe: He's absolutely right, kids, because when you drink nobody wins. In fact last year alone there were over 27,000 deaths from chronic liver disease as a result of alcohol abuse.
Kids: Now we know!
G.I. Joe: And knowing is half the battle!
GI JOOOOOE!
Lois: Peter, we can't afford this.
Peter: No, but Mel Gibson can. Puts on hat, flips up collar, and approaches desk Uh, excuse me, I'm Mel Gisbon here for the key to my specially reserved room.
Clerk: You're Mel Gibson?
Peter: Yes, I've put on a few pounds for my next role. I play Peter Griffin a heroic warrior who defied the English, to free England from the English.
Clerk: Holy mackerel! Let me show you to your room, Mr. Gibson.
In the room.
Lois: Peter, the toilet paper is made of money.
Peter: Yeah, and look at this: they even have some of that high class English porn.
Man on TV: Almost...almost...almost....there we are.
Woman on TV: Well done.
Cut to Brian and Stewie lecturing Chris in the car.'
Stewie: Did you think you were "cool"? did you think you were "grown-up"?
Chris: I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me.
Stewie: Well, we are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping.
Brian: In the meantime, you're grounded.
Chris: Aw, that sucks.
Stewie: Do you want us to pull over?
Chris: I don't care what you do.
Stewie: Oh we'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over.
Stewie is spanking Chris.
Chris: AAH! ahaha!! WAAAAH!
Stewie: If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them?
Chris: I got hit by a baseball! WAAAAAAH! aaaah!
Cut to Lois and Peter in the Gibson suite.
Peter: Heheheheh!
Lois: Ooooooh, Mel!
Peter: turns on the light. Mel? Wait a minute, you were fantasizing about Mel Gibson. You--you don't find me attractive anymore.
Lois: Honey, I'm sorry, I know you're trying but you can't rush the spark back into our marriage.
Peter: Well, then I guess this whole second honeymoon was a waste of time. I don't want to talk about it. I'm just going to watch british porn.
Man on TV: You know, Maragaret, we could have sexual intercourse right now.
Woman on TV: Yes, yes, we could.
Man on TV: Hmmm, but let's not.
Cut to Stewie and Brian in bed.
Stewie: Do you think we were too hard on Chris tonight?
Brian: What? oh no no no I don't think so. Do you?
Stewie: Oh no, I just always feel bad when we have to be strict. Ah, did I remember to turn the stove off? Yes.
Cut to Lois and Peter in the Gibson suite.
Lois: I'm sorry for everything that's happened, Peter. I guess I'm going through a phase right now where I'm only attracted to handsome men.
Peter: Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois,just admit that there's no excitement left in our marriage, go home and spend the rest of our lives looking at each other across the breakfast table talking about how much we both like Total?
Lois: Oh, I love Total.
Peter: Ooooh, actually, so do I, and it's healthy for you too--oh god it's startin' already. Lois we are screwed.
Lois: Woooow. Mel Gibson's secret screenin' room
Peter: Hey, what's this?
Peter starts playing the reel. It's a movie trailer.
Announcer: In the year 33 AD.
A man slides back a rock.
Guy: The messiah! He's gone!
Other guy: Where did he go?
Jesus Hang on.
Chris Tucker and Jesus in a car in a high speed action sequence.
Chris Tucker: Man you crazy, Jesus! You crazy!
Jesus: That's what my ex-wife said.
Chris Tucker: For the son of God, you sure are the son of a--WHoooaa!
Announcer: Chris Tucker. And Jim Ca--Caziva---Cav-Caviziel? Is that it? The guy from the first one? Passion of the Christ 2: Crucify This!
gunfight
Jesus: holds a gun out for Chris Tucker. You know how to use one of these?
Chris Tucker: holds a joint out for Jesus. You know how to use one of these?
Announcer: This July, let he who is without sin kick the first ass.
Peter: Oh man, that's all we need: more Mel Gibson Jesus mumbo jumbo. Well, not if I have anything to say about it. I am going to make sure this never sees the lght of day
Lois: Peter, are you crazy? Stealing Mel Gibson's towels, bathrobes, and nazi paraphernelia is one thing, but this is a multi-million dollar film an he's a very powerful man he could have us arrested or killed.
Peter: Well it's worth the risk, Lois. To save the world another 2 hours of torture. We've got to get rid of this thing for the sake of Jesus and Snoopy and all the other beloved children's characters.
Priest: Pardon me. We work for Mel Gibson. Seems he left something very valuable in his room and we're here to retrieve it.
Clerk: Mr. Gibson just checked out a moment ago. There he goes now.
Peter: Uh-oh. lois, run.
Priest: Hey! Stop!
He flings his collar which has blades on either end. Lois and Peter exit out the door and the two priests pursue them. Tricia Takanawa enters the building.
Clerk: Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
Tricia turns around, head hung, and exits. Commercial Break
Lois: They're gaining on us. Oh, we never should've stolen this film.
Peter: Oh, man. This is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.
Cut scene. Peter approaches a chair and stares at it. After a moment of pondering, he leaps at it, breaking the chair and contorting his limbs. End cut scene.
Peter: Don't worry, Lois, I think I know how to lose em.
Blues Brothers chase scene through the mall
Lois: Peter, what the hell are you doing?
Peter: Lois trust me. How many times have I done this before?
Lois: All right, but be careful.
The priests crash and Lois and Peter escape out of the mall. Brian and Stewie are outside Tom Tuckers house. Brian rings the bell.
Brian: OK, now be polite and for God's sake don't mention anything about his kid's face
Stewie: Oh, shut up. I am alwys so polite.
Brian: Heh, I hope we dont wind up on the evening news because of this.
Stewie: He he he. You're funny.
Tom Tucker: Ah Brian! Please come in. Can my wife, Stacy get you anything?
Stacy Tucker :Go to hell, Tom.
Tom Tucker: Already there, hon.
Brian: Well, uh, Mr. Tucker it seems your son Jake had some vodka at the school dance and Chris got blamed for it. This, uh, this whole situation has turned his life upside-down face.
Stewie slowly gives Brian an awkward glare.
Tom Tucker: Well it's no concern of mine if it turned his life upside-down face. Jakes a good boy, aren't you Jake?
Jake Tucker: Yeah!
Brian: Look Mr. Tucker I...
Tom Tucker: We're though here. Get out of my house Benji!
Brian: Well fine, if you're going to be that way about it maybe I'll do this.
Brian begins scooting around on the carpet.
Brian: Yeah, look at this.
Tom Tucker: Stop that!
Brian: Oh yeah, you don't like that.
Tom Tucker: Stop doing that on my carpet.
Brian: This is what Benji would do.
Tom Tucker: Stop it! Stop it!
Brian: It feels so good, it feels so good.
Cut to Brian & Stewie driving in the car.
Brian: There's got to be a way to get back at Jake Tucker for what he did to Chris.
Stewie: I know, I know, I know, let's plant drugs in his locker.
Brian: Oh my god, that's a great idea.
Stewie: I thought you'd like that. Hey look at that Yosemite Sam mudflap. You better stay back Brian. nyeeeh.
Cut back to Peter & Lois in the car.
Peter: *sigh* Think we lost 'em. You stay here I'm gunna go bury this film.
Peter begins to bury the film.
Peter: Well Mel Gibson, this is one piece of crap the world will never have to suffer through. Hehehehe, I am so clever. That's why they picked me to convince Congress to go to war.
Cut scene to Peter at the House of Representatives.
Man at Podium: There is no just cause for an invasion of Iraq.
Peter: Well that may be, but what we're all forgetting is anyone who doesn't want to go to war, is gay.
Congressman #1: I want to go to war.
All of Congress: Oh yes, yes yes yes, (ect.)
Speaker of the House: I was the first one who wanted to go to war!
Cut back to Peter who looks off into the distance only to see a plane heading towards him.
Peter: (while running) AAAH!
Two priets apprehend Lois
Lois: Aaaah! Peter!
Peter: Lois!
Plane takes off leaving behind a note.
The note says: Bring the film to my house on the top of Mount Rushmore in three days, or your wife dies --M. Gibson (camera pans down) Also, don't miss "Bird on a Wire", Tuesday night on TBS Superstation." (The letter is in all caps).
Cut to Mount Rushmore, zooming in on Mel Gibsons home.
Mel Gibson: Don't take this personally Mrs. Griffin. I'm doing this because I have to.
Lois: What are you gonna do? (in suductive tone) Oh, what are you gonna do to me?
Mel Gibson: As soon as your husband gives me what I want, you're free to go.
Peter busts in through the door.
Peter: Anybody home?
Lois: *gasp* Peter!
Peter: All right, Gibson I want my wife back...or a woman of equal physical attractiveness.
Mel Gibson: Where's the film?
Peter throws film to Gibsons feet.
Peter: Come on, honey let's get out of here.
Lois: Peter you're just going to give him the film?
Peter: Don't worry Lois there's a dog turd in there, but by the time he finds out well be long go--
Mel Gibson: There's a dog turd in here.
Peter: Uh-oh. Lois...
Lois: What?
Peter: Jump!
Peter and Lois jump out a glass window
Peter & Lois: Aaaah!
Cut back to Mel Gibson as his two priest goons prepare to chase Peter & Lois
Mel Gibson: No, wait! I'll deal with them myself.
Pulls out gun and fires the lock off the a safe. Drops gun only to open safe and withdraw another gun.
Cut to Peter & Lois on top of Mount Rushmore
Lois: We're on top of the monument.
Peter: Holy crap!
Mel Gibson fires towards them.
Peter & Lois: Ah!
Peter & Lois begin to scale down Mount Rushmore only to be fired at again.
Peter: You know I know this is the wrong time to be starstruck but, Mel Gibson is shooting at us.
Lois falls while screaming barely grasping hold of George Washingtons upper lip.
Lois: Peter help!
Peter:Aw, man. I'm comin' Lois.
Peter begins to dangle on George Washingtons nose.
Peter: Heheheheh. Look, Lois im a booger. Hehhehe.
Lois: Peter for god's sake.
Peter: Ok, Ok, grab my hand.
Mel Gibson appears and cocks his gun.
Peter & Lois: *gasp*
Mel Gibson: And now Mr Griffin, I want that film.
Peter: Oh sure it's right over there in President Rushmore's mouth.
Mel Gibson turns and walks over the edge falling to his death.
Lois: Oh my god, he just walked right over the edge.
Peter: Of course he did, Christians don't believe in gravity.
Peter & Lois climb back to the top of Mount Rushmore.
Lois: Peter it's back.
Peter: What that rash?
Lois: No no the spark. Honey I have never been more attracted to you than I am right now.
Peter: Really wow, so I guess this honeymoon was just the kind of excitement our marriage needed. I guess it just goes to show that...
Lois: Shutup and let's do it.
Camera pans out to full view of Mount Rushmore.
Lois: Oh, oh, oh Peter!
Peter: YES!
George Washington: Hey Jefferson check it out. Chick gettin nailed on my head.
Thomas Jefferson: Sweet. Hey Teddy pass the word down to Frankenstein.
Abraham Lincolin: Oh ha ha.
Back to the Griffin house where Meg, Brian & Stewie are watching TV.
Tom Tucker: In local news a Buddy Cianci Jr. high school student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service and is a very bad boy. We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie.
Ollie Williams: HE GON GET IT!
Tom Tucker: Thanks Ollie. Now this.
Back in the livingroom.
Meg: So you actually put coke in that kid's locker?
Brian: Yup.
Meg: Wow, where'd you get it.
Brian: Oh I got a guy.
Greased-up deaf guy enters.
Greased-up deaf guy: Dont let it get the best of you. I used to be a lawyer. See you next week. Good to be back, America.