Family Guy Viewer Mail 1

<Stewie and Brian in tuxes, sit in director's chairs backstage, next to a sack of mail>
Brian: Hi, I'm Brian Griffin.
Stewie: And I'm Stewart.
Brian:: Many of you have written to the show with suggestions for episodes you'd like to see.
Stewie: They're mostly God-awful.
[presses button on box, producing very fake laughter]
Brian:: Well, tonight we took your advice and produced three of our favorite suggestions.
Stewie: Favorites? Oh, that's charitable.
[Stewie again produces canned laughter]
Brian: What is that?
Stewie: I got this from 'Dharma and Greg'.
Brian: I'm surprised there's anything left in it.
BOTH: Whoa!
Brian: Enjoy.
Theme Song

[Cheerful instrumental music]
<Title card: No Bones About It>
Announcer: And now back to The Newlywed Game.
Host: Carol, how did Nick answer the following: the last thing I would ever give my wife is 'blank'?"
Wife: A little spending money?
Host: I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Nick actually said "the antidote."
Wife: Nick, what are you talking about?
Lois: Oh, Meg, you were right.
<Peter opens beer bottle, producing a cloud of smoke>
Peter: Oh, my God! A genie!
Genie: I am here to grant you three wishes.
Lois: Peter, three wishes! Oh, this is so exciting!
Meg: I want a new hat!
Chris: I want a new hat!
Stewie: I want them to have new hats!
Lois: Kids, these are your father's wishes. Go ahead, honey. Get whatever you want.
Peter: That's easy. I wish I could see what Kelly Ripa was like off the set.
Genie: So it shall be.
Regis Philbin: Great show today, Kelly.
Kelly Ripa: Thanks, Reg. You, too.
<Kelly enters dressing room. A man is gagged and bound to a chair. Kelly reaches into his chest and rips his heart out, then pulls off her face, revealing a tentacled monster.>
Regis Philbin: Kelly, Gelman needs us on stage for a couple of re-shoots.
Kelly Ripa: Be right there, Reg. I just have to put on my face.
Lois: My goodness! Did you see the size of that dressing room?
Peter: Yes. They must really want to keep her.
Genie: Your second wish?
Peter: I got just the thing. I wish I had my own theme music.
Genie: Done!
Peter: I don't hear anything.
Genie: Get up. Try it out.
[Harp trill] [Piano chord] [Piano chord] [Cheerful instrumental music]
Peter: Sweet.
[Harp trill] [Orchestra crescendo] [Cheerful instrumental music]
[Peter sees a bum] [Sentimental instrumental music]
[Cheerful instrumental music]
[Lois comes to bed in sexy lingerie] [Sexy instrumental music]
Peter: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Cheerful instrumental music]
[on a bus] Man: Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down?
Peter: Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it.
Peter: ?Riding on a bus? ?Riding on a bus? ?Sitting next to bums? ?There's an open seat? ?Hope that isn't pee?
Man: Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it!
Peter: Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off.
Man: Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body.
Peter: I wish I had no bones!
Genie: Done.
[Peter dissolves into a boneless blob]
Peter: That ought to show you!
[Passengers screaming]
Peter: Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean.
[house]
Peter: I know you might be a little concerned about me not having bones and all. But I got to tell you, it's not that bad.
Chris: Dad's just like Silly Putty. Look what I can do to Mary Worth's smug sense of self-satisfaction.
Peter: That's right, son. Take her down a peg.
Lois: Well, I guess we could all adjust to this.
Stewie: Look! I'm making an angel!
Peter: See, Lois? Everything's gonna be fine.
Stewie: Now, smile while I write my name in you.
[at the mall escalator; Peter gets sucked in at the bottom]
Peter: Let go!
[riding the teacups at Disneyland]
Peter: [Peter laughing]
[Peter is thrown free, and into a locker room. Michael Eisner picks up Peter, and uses him as a towel]
Peter: [Peter screaming]
Meg: But, Mom, I've got to use the bathroom now!
Lois: I'm sorry, but your father gets incredibly filthy rolling around everywhere. (Peter is in the bathtub) (from outside) He just has to take his 12 baths a day.
Chris: I don't like Dad anymore! I invited some friends over to jump on him like a trampoline but his roll of fat sucked up Ryan's shoe! And his mom yelled at him when he got home! And he beat me up at school the next day! It's all here in this pamphlet.
Lois: Kids, we just have to learn to accept this. Like one of those stories on Dateline where a family member suffers a horrible accident and becomes a burden on everybody. Sure they pretend to be happy, but they're dead inside. They're dead. And that'll be our lives. Hmmm?
Peter: What a big, boneless jerk I am! I might have screwed up my life but there's no reason I got to keep screwing up theirs. Good-bye, cruel, bone-filled world!
[Peter releases the tub stopper, and is sucked down the drain]
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Peter: [yelling]
Peter: Oh, so this is where all the waste and sewage winds up.
[pull back to reveal Peter is below the 'HOLLYWOOD' sign]
[men fighting on top of building; one falls off, only to land on Peter]
Director: Cut and print. That's a wrap. Great job, Peter. Coming to the wrap party tonight?
Peter: Gee, I don't know. I got a standup comedy class I'm taking at The Learning Annex. Actually, I won't be a standup comic, I'll be more like an amorphous-blob comic. I gotta write that one down!
Director: Nonsense! I'll have the studio send a flatbed for you! See you at 8:00!
[Peter looks at a picture of his family and sighs]
[Soft piano music playing]
Catharine Zeta-Jones: Peter, there's something I've been wanting to say to you all evening.
Peter: What's that, Mrs. Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas?
Catharine Zeta-Jones: I want to jump your non-bones.
Peter: Jeez! I can't believe I'm your type.
Catharine Zeta-Jones: Well, as you can tell from my husband, I've got a thing for saggy, shapeless men.
Michael Douglas: I'm married to Catherine Zeta-Jones. Will you sleep with me?
Peter: Yeah, I'm gonna have to pass. But Louie Anderson's eating the decorative soaps in the bathroom. Why don't you try him?
'Doctor:': Excuse me. Aren't you Peter, the human stunt bag?
Peter: That all depends on who's asking.
Doctor: I'm a doctor, conducting an experimental procedure to give bones to a jellyfish. I'd like to try it on a human first. Interested?
Peter: I don't know.
Doctor: Interested?
Peter: Did you just say that?
Doctor: Yes.
Peter: I'll do it!
Doctor: Well, Peter, the operation was a complete success! What are you going to do now?
Peter: The whole reason I had the operation was so I could go back to my family. But it's been so long. What if they don't love me anymore?
Doctor: Peter, where do you think all those bones came from?
Lois: Surprise!
[Cut to the Griffins, all of whom are mis-shapen]
Peter: My God! You mean, it's your bones that are inside me?
Stewie: Well, mostly. We picked up a drifter to fill in the torso.
Lois: Well, like I always say, a family of freaks is better than no family at all!
Peter: Let's go home. You know what's really weird? This was covered by my HMO.

<Title card: Supergriffins>
[Dramatic instrumental music]
[truck marked 'Toxic Waste' drives down the streets of Quahog]
Trucker 1: Hey, Terry, you dare me to pop a wheelie in this thing?
Trucker 2: That doesn't sound safe at all, but, okay, I dare you.
[truck pops a wheelie; tanker comes off the back]
Trucker 2 Wow! That was great!
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
[loose tanker lands in the Griffin's front yard]
The Count:Six! Six bats! Seven! Seven bats!
Peter: Hey, is the Count a vampire?
Brian: What's that?
Peter: Well, he's got those big fangs. Have they ever shown him doing somebody in and then feeding on him?
Brian: You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance.
Peter: Yeah.
Brian: No, they've never done that.
Lois: Everybody come quick! There's something in the yard!
Meg: It looks like the back of a tanker truck.
Peter: Wow! What do you think's inside?
Chris: Maybe it's candy!
Lois: Chris, no!
Peter: Lois, Lois, let him dream.
[Chris pulls loose plug from the tanker, splashing the family with waste]
Meg: What is this stuff?
Brian: It's some kind of nuclear waste.
Stewie: Tell me, does anyone else feel a trifle queasy?
[Stewie's head swells up; family screams in horror]
Stewie: What? Do I have a boogie? I say, it appears my cranium has doubled in size! How delightful! This toxic stew seems to have given me telekinetic abilities.
Chris: Hey, I can make fire!
Peter: Chris, come here a second. This is gonna be hilarious. Okay, on the count of three. One, two, three.
[Peter farts, and Chris lights it]
Stewie: Do it again!
Lois: All right, everyone. Clearly, something very strange has happened here. We each seem to have acquired superpowers from that nuclear waste. We've been given a gift. And whether that gift is Chris' fire conjuring, Stewie's telekinesis, Brian's super-speed...
Brian: Ask how the Queen of England is.
Lois: How's the Queen...
[Brian zips out, then reappears wearing a Beefeater's hat]
Brian: She's great.
Lois: Peter's morphing ability...
Peter: Hey, Lois, I'm a wishing troll.
Lois: ...my super strength, or Meg's super-amazing ability to grow her fingernails...
Meg: [Sighs]
Lois: ...we have a responsibility to use these powers properly and not to abuse them for personal gain. Understand?
Brian: Yes.
Chris: Yep.
Meg: Yes.
[Peter has transformed himself into a sandwich]
Peter: Got it.
Lois: Oh, no. I forgot the detergent. Excuse me, would you watch him for a moment?
Clerk: Sure thing, ma'am. Whoa there, little guy. You got to pay for that.
Stewie: Go suck a railroad spike. I haven't got any money.
Clerk: Well, then I am afraid I am gonna have to take it away from you. [Screaming] Oh, God! Please help me!
[Honking]
Lois: Move it, you slowpoke! The light's green!
Man: What does that cloud look like to you, honey? To me it looks like rain! Ha! I used that joke at work. I'm the funniest guy at the office. They say I should do standup.
Lois: This is insane!
Meg: Oh, my God, Dad! *NSYNC is in town. If you can get me a lock of Justin's hair I'll never ask you for shopping money again. Please?
Peter: We promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly. But I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt.
*NSYNC Guy 1: Do you want to split a Toblerone?
*NSYNC Guy 2: Oh, gosh. Yeah. I think I do. [Whistles like a train] Next stop, my thighs!
Peter: All right, Meg, wait here. I'll be right back.
Peter: Hi there. Britney Spears. You mind if I go in?
Security Guard: Not at all, Miss Spears.
Peter: Call me Peter. Hey there, fellas.
Justin Timberlake: Britney? What are you doing here?
Peter: Oh, you know, I was just in the neighborhood-I'm gonna steal one of your beers-and figured I'd stop by and say hi. You mind if I have a seat?
Peter: I am out of shape. Say, Justin, I got a favor to ask you.
Justin Timberlake: What is it?
Peter: I got a hole in my muffler and I need something to plug it with.
Peter: Can I have some of your hair?
Justin Timberlake: Um, I guess so.
Peter: Great. Thanks. All right, hold still now. You'll be fine. Hey, come here. Give me a kiss. [transforms into Gene Shalit] I'm Gene Shalit now! Bye!
Bartender: Here's your martini, ma'am.
Woman: Thanks. Hey, it's gone!
Bartender: Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am. Here's another one.
Woman: What the hell is going on here?
Brian: Hi. Can I get some pretzels or something? I got to drive. Did you bring enough breasts for the rest of the class? Ha-ha-ha!
Chris: Hey, Hector, how long have we known each other?
Hector: Since first grade.
Chris: Yeah, yeah. You remember that time you called me "Chris Gristle"?
Hector: I think so.
Chris: Well, burn for it!
Hector: [Screaming]
Tom Tucker: It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a lower-middle-class Irish family.
Diane Simmons: That's right, Tom. This is one of many public disturbances caused by the Griffin family of Quahog who seem to have acquired superpowers.
Tom Tucker: Very strange story, Diane. Coming up next, can bees think? A new study confirms that, no, they cannot.
Mayor West: Citizens of Quahog, we have a problem!
Justin Timberlake: You're damn right we do! Peter Griffin stole my hair!
Mayor West: Settle down, Jeffrey!
Justin Timberlake: Justin.
Mayor West: Mike. Clearly, the Griffin family is out of control. But not to fear. I've tangled with super-beings before. And they can be stopped!
Peter: You can't stop us, Mayor West! We are all-powerful!
Mayor West: Clearly, you've let yourselves become drunk with power.
Stewie: Silence!
Chris: We demand obedience!
Meg: Or else!
Man: Is that all you can do? [Meg scrapes him with nails] That kind of hurt! Is that bleeding? I guess it's all right. Ouch, though.
Peter: Anyone who opposes our demands will be destroyed. Our first demand: you will erect a statue in the town square. This statue will depict Blair Warner admitting to Mrs. Garrett that the poem she submitted for her creative-writing class was actually plagiarized from a work by Emily Dickinson. We have spoken!
Mayor West: That's it! We have to fight fire with fire. If nuclear refuse gave them superpowers, it could do the same for me. Citizens, I'm off to the toxic waste dump!
Dr. Hartman: Mayor West, you have lymphoma.
Mayor West: Oh, my!
Dr. Hartman: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
Mayor West: I see.
Dr. Hartman: What in God's name were you trying to prove?
Mayor West: I was trying to gain superpowers.
Dr. Hartman: Well, that's just silly.
Mayor West: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes.
Peter: No, no! That's not what Mrs. Garrett's bosom looked like. It looked more like this. [Peter transforms himself into Mrs' Garrett's cleavage] Notice the sun spots at the top of the right can.
Woman: Excuse me. I have a message from the Quahog Hospital.
Peter: I just feel awful about this, Mayor West.
Lois: Yeah. Me, too. Stewie, fluff his pillows.
Chris: I'll heat up his soup.
Brian: And I'll go to China to see if there's a cure. [leaves and returns with one of those conical straw hats] Nope.
Mayor West: Now, now. The doctor says I'm gonna make a full recovery. The important thing is, you learned your lesson.
Lois: I can't believe we let those superpowers go to our heads.
Stewie: I feel like such a bastard.
Brian: Me, too.
Peter: For now, we are gonna use our powers to help you get better.
Mayor West: Thank you. But as long as I have Mrs. Garrett's giant rack by my bedside, I'll be all right.
Peter: Girls! Girls! Girls! [Laughing]

<Title card: Li'l Griffins>
<All the characters are now '30s-style children>
Peter: Hear ye, hear ye. I call to order the first meeting of the We Hate Broads Club.
ALL: Yeah!
Brian: Because all you need in life is your best pals.
Quagmire: Sure! As long as those pals ain't dames!
Cleveland: O-tay!
[Creaking]
Peter: What was that?
Quagmire: Hey, I thought we told you guys to quit snooping around here!
Tom Tucker: We need to find a story if I'm ever gonna be a big-time reporter, man.
Peter: All right, all right. Make like Siamese twins and split...and then one of you die.
Mayor West: When do we have the grape juice? I came for the grape juice.
<at school>
Peter: Hey, Quagmire, watch this.
Teacher:Hey, "kick me"!
[School bell ringing]
Teacher: Boys and girls, we have a new student joining us this morning. Her name is Lois Pewterschmidt.
Peter: Just what we need, another girl.
Quagmire: You said it!
[Lois enters]
Peter: Wow, I'd like to play doctor with her and remove her inflamed appendix before it bursts, causing sepsis.
Quagmire: Gigidy-gigidy-gigidy! [Alfalfa-style cowlick straightens out]
Peter: Hey, Lois, what you reading?
Lois: 'The Red Badge of Courage.' I sure wish I could meet a brave fellow like the guy in this book.
Peter: I'm a brave guy, Lois.
Quagmire: Oh, yeah? I bet you're not brave enough to laugh at Death!
Peter: Watch me. Ha-ha-ha!
Death: Oh, thanks! Like I don't have enough trouble fitting in!
Peter: I bet you're not brave enough to take all your clothes off!
Quagmire: Way ahead of you. Oh!
Peter: Well, I bet you're too chicken to spend a night at the old Selberg place.
[Eerie instrumental music]
Peter: Uh, Cleveland, you mind stepping out of the way?
Cleveland: Oh, sorry.
[Eerie instrumental music]
Quagmire: Well, I ain't chicken to spend the night there!
Peter: Well, I ain't neither! And to prove it, I'm going up there tonight!
Quagmire: See you there, pal!
Mort Goldman: You can't stay in that house! Old Man Selberg's ghost still haunts it. Not to mention the myriad of bacteria and allergens from years of substandard housekeeping. It does not augur well for you.
Peter: Aw, Zip it, egghead. You with your big words and your small, difficult words.
Lois: Wow. Any boy who would spend the night in that creepy place sure would be the bravest fellow I ever met.
Peter: That Lois is some kind of woman. Quagmire: Yeah. Just thinking about her makes my testicles want to drop. Oops! Speak of the devil. Oop, make that devils.
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Joe: All right. Quagmire's team will take the left side of the house. Peter's team will take the right. And whoever's alive in the morning can bury his dead pals.
Cleveland: Do I have a cobweb in my hair? It feels like I have a cobweb in my hair.
[Wolf howling]
Cleveland: What was that?
Quagmire: It's just Michael Winslow from Police Academy.
Michael Winslow: [Growling] [Monkey noise] [Helicopter noise] [Elephant noise] [Baaing like a sheep] [Submarine noise]
Joe: This house gives me the creeps.
Brian: Yeah. Let's get out of here.
Peter: Wait, wait, wait. We can't let those guys win. What we ought to do is pretend we're ghosts, see-
Quagmire: -and then we'll scare the other guys out of the house-
Peter: -then we can say that we spent-
Quagmire: -the-
Peter: -night. Then, everyone will think we're-
Quagmire: -the-
Peter: -bravest kids in the world. Especially Lois.
Quagmire: All right!
Peter: Hey, I got a great idea! <gets into suit of armor> This'll really scare them. Everybody set?
Joe: Check!
Brian: Check!
Goldie Hawn: Sock it to me!
Mayor West: If we only had a teacup, this'd be like playing Find the Teacup in the Bed Sheet, like I do with my Aunt Sophia.
Peter: My God! Not only are ghosts real, but their innards are made of children.
Quagmire: Peter, it's us!
Peter: Say, that's a nice effect.
Quagmire: Yeah. That's really scary.
Peter: Wait a second. If you're there, and I'm here and Istanbul is somewhere in this general area then who the hell is that?
[Screaming]
Tom Tucker: Ha-Get used to this sight, Diane. Guys running away from you.
Diane Simmons: Tom, you're so deep in the closet, you're finding Christmas presents.
Peter: All right. Now, remember our story. We tell Lois that we both stayed all night. I caught the ghost with my lasso.
Quagmire: And I punched him so hard, he ran crying all the way back to Hell!
Peter: She'll have to believe that. It hangs together so perfectly.
Diane Simmons: Our top story today, cowardly kids lay down rubber at the old Selberg place.
Peter: Wait. Turn that up.
Tom Tucker: Peter Griffin and Glen Quagmire were seen bolting <gets louder> were seen bolting out of the supposedly haunted house after just one half-hour leaving only their pride and twin trails of urine behind them.
Quagmire: Cheese and crackers! Now Lois'll know everything!
Peter: Not if I can help it!
[Imitates phone ringing]
Tom Tucker: Newsroom.
Peter: Hello. This is Peter Griffin. You'd better stop saying that stuff or we'll watch something else!
Girl: <in Barbara Walters-like voice> Today on The View, cooties, the silent killer.
Peter: Lois? There's something we got to tell you.
Quagmire: Yeah. We didn't stay in the haunted house. We're not brave.
Lois: Oh, I've decided I don't care about bravery.
Peter and Quagmire: You don't?
Lois: No. I realized what I really like is smarts.
Mort Goldman: Sorry I'm late, darling. I was checking my stool for blood.
Peter and Quagmire: Mort Goldman!
Lois: He's so clever! Show them, Morty!
Peter: He got us again!
Quagmire: This whole thing just shows that women are nothing but trouble!
Peter: You said it! Let's you and me swear off them for good!
Quagmire: And how!
<35 years later>
Peter: I say, Quagmire, it seems to me we've each made another $500 million.
Quagmire: Good thing we swore off women so we wouldn't be distracted and unable to accumulate this vast amount of wealth.
Peter: Yes. You watch the ticker. I'm gonna microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge!
[Closing Theme]