Road to Europe

[1950s movie music] [old Hope/Crosby Road movie-style titles]
Stewie: I say! It's 4:00. Away with you!
Meg: Stewie!
Chris: Change it back!
Brian: Forget it. Jolly Farm Revue is on. It's the latest indoctrinating pablum for children with not enough to do.
Stewie: Hey! Shut up!
Mother Maggie: Wakey-wakey, children.
Children & Stewie: Good morning, Mother Maggie.
Mother Maggie: The sun has risen on another day in Jolly Farm. Let's see what life's rich pageant has in store for us.
Stewie: Oh, she has the voice of an angel! Not to mention a balcony you could do Shakespeare from.
Mother Maggie: Play your song, Melody Sheep, to aid the little ones' nourishment. But play softly, for Pengrove Pig wishes to read aloud from his magic tome that holds every book ever written.
Pengrove Pig: "These were difficult times for the children of Ipswich, when the lollipop famine cursed their pleasant village. "
Brian: How can you stand watching this? It's dreck and you know it. Oh, don't have the guts to respond, huh? No intelligent defense of this unmitigated crap?
Peter: Commercial! <punches Brian> I'm gonna get some graham crackers.
Moderator: Welcome back to KISS Forum, Rhode Island Public Access' most popular show about KISS.
Peter: Lois, hurry! It's back on!
Lois: Calm down, Peter. You know I wouldn't miss a second of this.
Moderator: Okay, let's take a call. You're on KISS Forum.
Caller 1: KISS rules!
Moderator: Okay, good call. Good call. All right. You're on KISS Forum.
Caller 2: Yeah. KISS sucks!
Moderator: Whoa!
Peter: Trace the call! Trace the call!
Caller 2: Yeah, they suck big time, man. They bite ass!
Moderator: Wait a sec. I recognize that voice! Is this Dennis De Young, lead singer from Styx? Come clean, man.
Caller 2: Yeah, yeah, it's me. It's Dennis.
Moderator: Dennis, you jealous douche, how about I crank a little 'Detroit Rock City' and play 'Come Sail Away' and we can see how they stack up side by side? Huh? You want that, you high-voiced bastard? We'll be right back, after this.
Paul Stanley: Hey! Didn't see you come in. We're getting into shape for our upcoming tour.
Gene Simmons: We're playing five big shows in five days. So, if you...
Ace Frehley: Rock and roll!
Gene Simmons: Why, Why don't you just sit in the corner, huh? Go on. If you're a KISS fan, and you live in the Northeast come out for all five shows of what we're calling "KISS-Stock."
Peter: Aw, Hell! The Northeast! It's times like this I curse the fact that we live in French Polynesia.
Lois: No, Peter, we're in the Northeast.
Peter: We are? And KISS is coming to the Northeast. That means...aw.
Lois: That means-
Peter: No, no, Lois! Don't help me! It means we can do something.
Lois: Come on, Peter. You're almost there.
<Peter is at the dentist>
Peter: We can go to KISS-Stock!
Dentist: Owww!
Peter: Hey, yo, Lois!
Lois: What?
Peter: I'm packing for KISS-stock and I can't find my favorite underwear.
Lois: You mean the pair with the rip in the right buttcheek from when you stepped on them pulling them up in that airplane bathroom from when you had the trots?
Peter: No, the pair with the hole in the left buttcheek from when I held it in for two hours 'cause it was that extra long Palm Sunday church sermon and blowing gas would offend Jesus, so I let it go in the vestibule after Mass, and it sounded like Louis Armstrong?
Lois: Oh, bottom drawer.
Mother Maggie: Children, tell Mother Maggie what you want to be when you grow up.
Child 1: A scientist.
Child 2: A novelist.
Child 3: A Cambridge don.
Stewie: What's my future coming from these squalid surroundings? Getting into a fight at the Laundromat with some dude who hit on my baby's mama? I should be there, not here! <dreamy music> London.
Chris: Hey, Dad? Can me and Meg stay up late every night when you're at KISS-Stock?
Peter: You can do whatever you want, son. Just don't eat from the candy tree.
Candy Tree: He's right to caution you. I feed on children.
Brian: You don't mind watching Stewie for a few days, do you, Brian?
Brian: Nah. Ever since Jolly Farm Revue came on, he's been pretty distracted. It'll be a breeze.
Lois: Well, 'Bye, everyone.
Meg: I can't believe my stupid parents are gonna spend five days following stupid old KISS around. It's painful.
Peter: Not half as painful as a tire iron upside your head.
Meg: What?
Peter: I'll miss you.
Brian: Hey, Stewie, what do you want for lunch?
<finds note from Stewie>
Stewie: <voiceover> Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm. Good-bye forever, Stewie. P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Um, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the 30-day return limit but I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's just, I can't imagine when I would ever wear it , you know? I also left a button on the bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know as soon as I do I'll find the garment it goes to, and then it'll.... Wait a minute. Actually, could it have been from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Well, I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, good-bye forever. P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London. I'm actually going to take the sweater.
Brian: Oh, my God!
<Quahog Airport>
Stewie: One of these planes must be going to London.
British mother: Queue up, children. Spit spot. Here are the tickets, miss. These are all ours. Thank you.
Stewie: Spit spot, Albert Hall, meat and two veg, Big Ben, Dave Clark Five, Spam and eggs, a baby's arm holding an apple, pip pip, cheerio.
[Dramatic instrumental music]
<Stewie boards plane, throwing a Nixon victory wave on the way on. Brian rushes through the airport, sneaking aboard the plane through the cargo hold>
Flight Attendant: Hot towel?
Stewie: Yes, thank you. <drops drawers> Well, come on!
<Brian grabs Stewie>
Stewie: What the hell are you doing here?
Brian: I'm taking you off this plane.
Stewie: Think again, Rover.
Brian: Great. I'm stuck on a trans-Atlantic flight with a petulant runaway. How could this get any worse?
Andy Rooney: You know what I hate about flying? The peanuts. First of all, you can't get them open. Who are they trying to keep out of these things?
Seinfeld: And what's the deal with the razor-blade slot in the bathroom? Are people actually shaving in there?
Andy Dick: Hi, Andy Dick here. Excuse me. I've got to get my bag up in the overhead bin here. [Yelling and laughing] Wow, that's wacky!
Stewie: There now, that wasn't so bad, was it? Did you sleep at all?
Brian: Yeah, a little.
Stewie: I couldn't sleep a wink-my pillow smelled like farts. But that's all right, because we're in England.
Brian: Uh-oh.
[Middle Eastern instrumental music]
Stewie: Well, I don't get it. Where are England's verdant fields, its rosy-rumped maids, and buck-toothed solicitors?
Brian: About 3,000 miles that way. We're in the Middle East.
Stewie: Where are we going?
Brian: I don't know. I'm not exactly familiar with this particular Arabian village.
Vendor 1: Stuff for sale! Bad, cheaply made stuff for sale!
Vendor 2: Hey, Americans. You like movies? I've got 'Dude, My Car Is Not Where I Parked It, But, Praise Allah, We Are Not Hurt.'
Vendor 3: Camels for sale! This one owned by a little old man who only drove it to mosque on Sundays. Just had its knees replaced.
Stewie: Great. Buy one and let's get out of here.
Brian: What do you mean, buy one? All I've got is $50. We're gonna have to distract him. Follow my lead.
Stewie & Brian: ? You and I are so awfully different ? ? Too awfully different, to ever be pals ?
Stewie: Do you want to go first?
Brian: Yeah, I'll go. ? Your favorite hero is the Marquis de Sade ?
Stewie: Oh, you're one to talk. ? You get a stiffy from Phylicia Rashad ?
Brian: Oh, one time
Stewie: ? I'm a style flair, just look at my hip hair ?
Brian: Oh yeah, thats quite a nice 'do there
Stewie: Oh, thanks.
Brian: <Triumph the Insult Comic Dog voice> For me to poop on!
Stewie: What?
Brian: Oh c'mon, you look like Charlie Brown.
Stewie: Bite me, Snoopy
Stewie & Brian: ? There's not, a whole lot, that we've got, to agree on ?
Brian: 'Cause I love the strings of a classical score.
Stewie: And I like that singer who looks like a whore.
Brian: Ricky Martin?
Stewie: Love him.
Stewie & Brian: ? We're too different to ever be pals ?? You and I are ?
Locals: ? Dododo ?
Stewie & Brian: ? so awfully different ?
Locals: ? Dododo ?
Stewie & Brian: ? Too awfully different ?
Locals: ? Dododo ?
Stewie & Brian: ? to ever be pals ?
Locals: ? Dododo dodo dodo doooo dodo ?
Brian: ? Your head's as massive as a meteorite ?
Stewie: Oh, very funny. ? You have a weenie like a christmas tree light ?
Brian: ? I'd bet money, you'll marry a honey ? ? Whose pretty and funny ? ? And her name will be Ted ?
Stewie: Oh a gay joke.
Brian: I just work with what you give me.
Stewie & Brian: ? You might think we're in sync ? ? But we stink, as a duo ?
Brian: ? 'Cause you get a kick out of carnage and guts ?
Stewie: ? And you get a kick out of stroking your... ?
Brian: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't say that on TV
Stewie: What? Ego?
Brian: Never mind.
Stewie & Brian: ? We're too different to ever be pals ?
Brian: Oh, man! We're screwed. We're lost in the desert, we have no food, no water, and our camel is dead from exhaustion.
Stewie: And I had named him and given him a back-story. Chucky had the biggest hump of the camels in his village. And he was picked on for it. But then there was a terrible drought and Chucky went to the oasis, because he was like that. He drank and drank, and stored enough water in his massive hump to slake the thirst of the entire...
Brian: Cut the maudlin crap. We're in trouble here. It's already below freezing, and it's getting colder. We're gonna die unless-unless we do something drastic.
Stewie: What?
Brian: We must slice open our camel's stomach and shelter ourselves in his entrails.
Stewie: Eviscerate Chucky? I won't do it!
Brian: Look, we're gonna die if we don't.
Stewie: All right. <Brian slices open camel> Oh, God! It's like Orson Welles' autopsy.
Brian: All right, just hold your breath and go. What are you doing?
Stewie: Wiping my feet. I don't want to track any sand inside. Once you get it in there, you can't get it out. Oh God! I just threw up in his lung!
Brian: Look, I know it's gross, but when you're desperate and you stare death in the face, you have no choice but to.... There's a Comfort Inn.
Stewie: Really?
Brian: Yeah. Good luck for us, huh?
Stewie: You know, once you feng shui the organs, it's kind of cozy.
[Loud heavy metal music]
Lois: Oh, isn't this exciting?
Man: Anyone got a light? Thanks.
Lois: Peter, look, there's Dave and Dottie, the nudists.
Dave: Well, hey there, Griffins!
Lois: Dave, Dottie, what a pleasant surprise!
Dottie: Don't tell me you're KISS freaks, too?
Peter: KISS army soldier since 1977. How about you?
Dave: '76. I don't think anyone knows more about KISS than I do.
Peter: I'm sorry. What was that?
Lois: It's not important.
Peter: Let him answer, Lois!
Dave: I said, no one knows more about KISS than I do.
Dottie: Fellows, please keep it civil.
Peter: I'm not sure I like the tone of your voice, Dave.
Dave: Well, throw down, if that's what you want.
Peter: Name Gene Simmons' special-effects mentor.
Dave: Amazo the Magician. What high school did Paul Stanley go to?
Peter: New York High School of Music. Paul and Gene's band before KISS?
Dave: Wicked Lester. What year did KISS appear on the Jim Nabor's Halloween special?
Peter: Trick question. It was Paul Lynde, and it was 1975. Now recite the ad that brought Peter Criss to Paul and Gene's attention.
Peter & Dave: "Drummer willing to do anything to make it." Rolling Stone, October, 1972.
Dave: Exemplary.
Peter: Rock 'n' roll!
Brian: How in the hell are we gonna get out of here?
Stewie: Are you going to finish your red paste?
Brian: No.
Stewie: What about your sweet crusty thing?
Brian: No, you can have it.
Father: No more balloon for you. I am sick of you tooling around the village in it, honking at the girls, blasting your 1980s American rock music that we got here last week.
Son: But, Father...
Father: Go to your palace!
Brian: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Stewie: Oh, yes. Just wait until they have to suffer through Jesus Jones. [Makes a disgusted sound]
Brian: Not that, the balloon!
Stewie: Oh, yes. The balloon. Let's take it.
Brian: Wow! I didn't know it really looked like that.
Stewie: Neither did I. <the landscape below the balloon looks like an actual map> Such lovely printing, too.
<at KISS-stock>
KISS: ?You keep on shoutin', you keep on shoutin'?
Peter: Oh, Lois, here comes the best part.
KISS: ?I wanna rock and roll all night...?
Lois: "And have a wonderful time"
[Band stops playing]
Lois: Is that it? Oh, no no. "And something, something all day" Right?
Gene Simmons: Oh, man! I've lost all faith in mankind.
Paul Stanley: Music is dead to me now.
<Simmons and Stanley leave stage>
Peter Criss: Hey, now's our chance!
Ace Frehley: Let's do it!
<Criss and Frehley sing and dance to 'Chattanooga Choo Choo'>
Stewie: I say! Where the hell are we?
Cardinal: Pope! Pope! It's time to get up and put on your hat.
Pope: It's a stupid hat!
Cardinal: Pope!
Pope: All right, okay. God!
Cardinal: Pope, the floor is not a hamper!
Pope: Man!
Cardinal: Good. Now it's time to go on the balcony and address the people.
Pope: [Speaking Latin] <the Pope is hit by the balloon and knocked onto a statue below> [Pope screaming]
Brian: All right, all we've got to do is find the American Embassy and they'll help us get home.
Stewie: Home? I have no intention of returning to that disgusting hovel with that intolerable woman, that fat slob, and that insufferable dog. Oh, you're right here, aren't you? Oh, well, I stand by it. My future is with Jolly Farm.
Brian: You really think that, don't you?
Stewie: I know it.
Brian: Okay, we've got three days until Peter and Lois get back from their KISS concerts. Let's go to Jolly Farm.
Stewie: Yeah, now you're talking!
Pope: You make the Pope look like a fool! God will make you pay. Smite them! He's cooking something up.
[Train whistle]
Stewie: I say! Brian, look. Three rows down.
Brian: What?
Stewie: Is that Tom Bosley?
Brian: What would Tom Bosley be doing on a train in Switzerland?
Stewie: I'm almost certain. Tom! Did he look?
Brian: I don't know.
Stewie: If I yell, you have to watch. Tom Bosley!
Brian: No, it's not him.
Tour Guide: Besides its beautiful historic architecture Munich was the home of many great writers such as Thomas Mann. You will find more on Germany's contribution to the arts in the pamphlets we have provided.
Brian: Yeah, about your pamphlet. Uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
Tour Guide: Everyone was on vacation! On your left is Munich's first city hall erected in 15...
Brian: Wait, wait. What are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
Tour Guide: We were invited! Punch was served! Check with Poland!
Brian: You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.
Tour Guide: Nope. Nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.
Brian: A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.
Tour Guide: I will hear no more insinuations about the German people! Nothing bad happened! [Yelling in German] <gives Nazi salute>
Brian: Uh, is that a beer hall?
Tour Guide: Oh, yes. Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.
Lois: Why is everybody glaring at us?
Peter: Why, Lois? I'll tell you why. Your faux pas last night at the concert was so upsetting I had to call a university professor to tell me what phrase to use to describe it.
Professor: Use "faux pas."
Peter: Thanks, professor.
Peter: You've been living a lie all these years. You represented yourself as a KISS fan. And why? To make me look foolish!
Lois: No. To make you happy. I wanted to share in all aspects of your life, Peter. But I just was never that big a KISS fan.
Peter: I should've guessed that when you were willing to dress up as Peter Criss. No one wants to be Peter Criss, Lois! Not even Peter Criss!
Lois: I guess I'm just not as cool as you thought I was.
Peter: I guess not.
<Amsterdam>
Brian: I'm exhausted. Come on. Let's get a coffee. <enters coffeehouse> The smoke is so acrid.
Stewie: A man can hardly breathe in here.
Pot Head: You should get some hash, man. You can't go wrong.
Stewie: Not true. Ground meat can go very wrong for me very quickly, and everyone in this room will suffer the consequences!
Pot Head: You are out there, man, in the ether.
Stewie: I'd love to further pursue our palaver but I am not fluent in "freak up"! So, I'm just gonna turn back over here, back towards my table.
Brian: Say, are you hungry?
Stewie: Well, you know, I wasn't when I came in. But isn't that so funny? I'm getting there.
Brian: Yeah. Same here.
Stewie: I think the only reason we die is that...
Brian: Dude, I know what you're gonna say. And I am so completely...
Stewie: Wait, wait, wait! Sh, sh, sh. The only reason we die is because we accept it as an inevitability. Hah.
Brian: Do you think I'll ever find the right woman?
Stewie: Oh, God! Yes, man! Come on! Dude, you're great!
Lois: Peter, are you ever gonna forgive me?
Peter: Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you, so I will take my rage out on my own body. Let's go to Denny's.
<at Denny's>
Peter: Oh, man! I don't believe it! KISS is here! We don't deserve to be under the same roof with them. Let's go.
Lois: All right. I guess I could fix us something when we...Chaim?
Peter: Lois! Do not address KISS unless they address you first!
Lois: Oh, my God! Chaim Witz? It is you.
Gene Simmons: Which one do you want me to sign? Left or right?
Lois: No, no, no. It's Lois. Lois Pewterschmidt. I knew you before you changed your name.
Gene Simmons: Lois! I don't believe it. It's been ages. Hey, guys, this is the girl I told you about. You know, I knew her before we formed KISS. "Loose" Lois!
Paul Stanley: Cool! "Loose" Lois!
Peter Kriss: The legend herself.
Ace Frehley: My Grand Slam was supposed to be with sausage.
Lois: I never realized you were Gene Simmons the rock star!
Gene Simmons: You look great, Lois. Anyone nailing you now?
Lois: Yes, my husband nails me. This is him, Peter.
Peter: You-are-gods!
Gene Simmons: Yeah, thanks, right. We're recording some tracks in Boston next month. You should come on by.
Lois: We'd love that, Chaim... I mean Gene, you big rock star. Bye! Wow! Such a small world. He was a nice boy. And he's still nice.
Peter: Listen, Lois, what I said before...I've never been more wrong in my life. You are the coolest girl in the world! My wife did KISS!
Lois: And J. Geils.
Peter: What?
Lois: Nothing.
Stewie: There it is! The BBC! Well, this is it. I'll say good-bye to you now.
Brian: Well, have a good life, Stewie.
Stewie: Oh, I shall! Oh, hey, I meant to ask you did you find out what the button on my bureau was from?
Brian: Oh, yeah. Chris' denim jacket.
Stewie: Ah. I like that jacket. It looks good on him. Okay, then. So, we'll keep in touch?
Brian: Sure.
Stewie: Well, I have your address. See ya! There's Happy Hill! <crashes into set wall> What the deuce? Pengrove! Pengrove Pig! Pengrove, I've come to live on Jolly Farm! Oh, my! The magic tome. But it's cardboard. And there are no words. There are just.... What is it you've drawn here?
Pengrove Pig: That's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets. <takes off pig head> Dead brill, eh?
Stewie: Ah! Mother Maggie! Thank God! Something's terribly wrong.
Mother Maggie: Whose stinky brat is this?
Stewie: What? That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the gentle strum of a lute.
Mother Maggie: Piss off, you grotty little wanker!
Stewie: It's a fake. It's not real.
Brian: I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid.
Stewie: I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me!
Brian: Hey, come on. You want to get some ice cream? That'd make you feel better, right? You want to get some McDonald's? Do you want to take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? Okay. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.
Meg: Jolly Farm is on, Stewie. Don't you want to watch?
Stewie: The Stewie who loved Jolly Farm is dead, Megan. Meet the Stewie who loves funky fruit hats! [Humming tropical music]
Meg: Turn it up! Mom and Dad are on!
Moderator: We're back with more KISS Forum. I'm with the Griffins. They got something really exciting to share.
Peter: Yeah. My wife here did KISS.
Moderator: Get out of here!
Lois: Hand to God.
Moderator: Peter! How does that make you feel?
Peter: I feel like I've done KISS, too, Donny. And it feels good.
Moderator: Lois, you got any tips for the young girls in the audience tonight?
Lois: Well, I guess the best advice I can give is that you never know who's gonna grow up to be famous. So, just make yourself available.
Moderator: Cool. Cool. Well, that's our show for tonight. Now stay tuned for Battlestar Galactica Forum. <dons Cylon helmet> Welcome to Battlestar Galactica Forum.
[Closing Theme music]