From Method to Madness

Theme Song
Brian: Ah, thanks for coming, Lois. Mark's been trying to get me to see his one-man show for weeks.
Lois: I think it's wonderful you're supporting your old pal.
Mark: Go long, Eddie! Go long! Further! Further! [Playful groaning] Life sure was crazy growing up in Brooklyn. We had some real characters in my neighborhood, like Frank the Mailman. 'Hey, Mark, the ants for your ant farm came today!' And my friend Lonny, that knucklehead. 'Yo, Marky, let's play some b-ball.' 'B-ball.' That's what we called it. B-ball. And my grandma. Boy! Was she something else! 'Hey, Marky, don't forget to take your cod liver oil.'
[Muffled coughing]
[Chattering]
Brian: God, what a piece of self-indulgent crap! All the characters sounded exactly the same.
Frank the Mailman: Great show, Mark.
Lonny: You really captured me perfectly.
Mark's Grandma: Me, too, Marky. You are so talented.
Brian: That was awful. You know, with a little practice, I could act circles around that guy.
Lois: Oh, yeah? Well then, put up or shut up.
Brian: <reading> "This Thursday, auditions for the Quahog School of Performing Arts' upcoming semester."
Lois: You should try out.
Brian: You know, that's not a bad idea, Lois. Okay, ready for the best acting you've seen all night? Mark, wow! What a journey! Thank you so much. Those three-and-a-half hours just flew by.
Peter: Hey, Santos, Pasqual. Listen, you guys have done such good work today I got a surprise for you. Doritos! Not now. Later.
Pasqual: [in Portuguese] I'm going to try and get on that "Millionaire" show.
Santos: [in Portuguese] Fantastic! I will be your line for life!
Pasqual: [in Portuguese] It's "life-line"! Dammit, those are the kinds of mistakes we can't afford to make!
Dave: Help! Help!
Peter: Oh, my God!
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Dave: Thanks. I was boogie-boarding and I got sucked out by the rip tide. I thought I was a dead man.
Peter: Oh, you've got to be starving. Here, eat these.
Santos: [in Portuguese] Hey! He's giving away our Doritos!
Pasqual: [in Portuguese] In Portugal, I was a cardiologist.
Lois: Oh, my God! He was just floating out there by himself?
Peter: Yep. He was so grateful I saved his life he invited us all over for dinner tonight.
Lois: Oh, good. I don't have to cook.
Peter: Oh, no, no-go ahead and cook anyway, Lois, and we'll throw it out. I don't want you to get rusty.
Brian: Say, Peter, my audition's coming up. Would you mind listening to my monologue?
Peter: Sure, buddy. Let's hear it.
Brian: [breathes deeply] "Julie, there's something I gotta tell you..."
Peter: Ha! That's awesome! Go on.
Brian: "...tell you. I saw Doctor Phil..."
Peter: Wow! Wow! Yes! Yes! I love it!
Brian: "...Doctor Philips today. I might not make it to Christmas."
Peter: Oh, yeah, drop the bomb. Drop it. There's not a dry eye in the house. Keep going.
Brian: No, you know what? I'm gonna stop. Maybe we'll work on it later.
Peter: Okay, well, just so you know, it was good. But I was also being pretty generous.
[Rings doorbell]
Peter: Well, look at you, you little jaybird. You want to tell your mommy and daddy the Griffins are here?
Dave: Come on in! Welcome, Griffins!
Lois: [stammering] We must be early.
Dotty: Oh, nonsense. You're right on time.
Peter: Oh, my God! She's got hair growing out of her boobs and up to her head!
Lois: You're, uh, you're completely...
Dotty: Nude? Yes. We're nudists.
Chris: Permission to freak out?
Lois: Peter, did you know about this?
Peter: I thought he lost his bathing suit in the ocean.
Dotty: So, you're the man who saved my husband's life. Dotty Campbell. Oh, what am I doing? Come here!
Peter: Watch my hands, Lois! See where they are? No touchie!
Dave: This is the back yard. Feel that? That's premium blue-tip Bermuda. Real hardy, but soft.
Lois: Oh, good lord!
Peter: Don't look directly into it, Lois.
Dotty: The hot dogs and burgers are ready. Can I get you a beer, Peter?
Peter: What do you got?
Dotty: I've got Busch. Oh, and Busch Light.
[Door closes]
Dave: Sounds like Jeff's home. Hey, sport! How'd you do?
Jeff: I got first place, Dad.
Dave: Way to go, champ! Jeff plays varsity tennis for Saint Genevieve High.
Meg: Oh, cool.
Jeff: Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen?
Dave: Don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age.
Dotty: Oh, you were a showoff yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.
Peter: Lois, I'm scared. <drops hot dog beneath table> I'll get that.
Dave: Hey!
Peter: Oh, God! Oh, Dave, sorry! Oh, God.
Chris: Boobies!
Lois: Chris, that's enough. I'm sure glad to be out of there!
Peter: You said it. What those people are doing just ain't natural!
Chris: Boobies!
Lois: Did you hear me, young man?
Meg: I don't know what the big deal was. I thought they were nice.
Chris: Boobies!
Lois: Peter?
Peter: Do it.
Lois: Did you have fun at the circus today?
Chris: Elephants are bigger in person.
Stewie: Break a leg up there, Brian.
Brian: Well, you seem awfully enthusiastic.
Stewie: At first I wanted you to fail. But then I realized you'd be out of the house five days a week, which means I'd be free to throw some of my sexy parties.
[Madcap instrumental music] [All giggling]
Simon: Brian Griffin?
Stewie: Good luck, Brian.
Brian: Hi, I'm Brian Griffin. This is from John Waltz's 'Leaving Wichita.' "Julie, there's something I gotta tell you. I saw Doctor Philips today. I might not make it to Christmas."
Simon: Ooh, thank you. Next.
Stewie: Next? Hold on, Brian! Stay up there! Stay there. Now, see here! Brian Griffin is a brilliant actor with talent and passion! But you alleged experts obviously didn't notice. Well, I did notice! I saw a man bare his soul up here! And his pain ran through my heart like an errant locomotive, but it was wasted, wasted on all of you!
Simon: [Murmuring] Well, it looks like we're going to have to reconsider. Brian, we want you...
Brian: Yes!
Simon: ...off the stage. But your young friend there would make a perfect addition to the school's Rising Star Program.
Stewie: Well, splendid! This calls for a sexy party!
[Madcap instrumental music] [All giggling]
Simon: Okay, funcakes, let's do a scene. Okay, Stewie, how about you and...uh, let's see, one of our veterans. Olivia.
Olivia: I'm not doing a scene with him! He's inexperienced! He'll drag my whole performance down!
Stewie: Are you serious? Is she serious?
Simon: Okay, Stewie, I'll give you a solo exercise. Now, you're gonna do a little exercise we call, "The Life Cycle." Now, Without using words, you're gonna act out your entire life from birth to death exactly as I describe it. Okay, ready? Lie down. Now, you're being born. Ready, and burst through the placenta! Now fast-forward. It's your first day of school. You're alone and scared. But it's all right, it's all right. It's sloppy-joe day. Okay, pull it back, pull it back. The lady touched the bun and she's not wearing gloves. Okay, fast-forward. You're a businessman and you manage a lot of people. And here comes Henderson and he lost the big account. You're mad. Madder. Madder! Come on. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! There it is. You got it. And fast-forward. You're an old man now. You're on your deathbed. Your son is there holding your hand. You tell him you accept his lifestyle and regret humiliating him at his only sister's wedding by introducing him as your "other daughter." And, scene. Okay, any comments?
Olivia: You are the weakest link! Good-bye!
[Laughter]
Stewie: [Laughs] Oh, gosh! That's funny. That's really funny. Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. "You are the weakest link. Good-bye!" You know, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference that outside the program before. Because, that's what she says on the show, right? "You are the weakest link. Good-bye!" And yet, you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God, what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with that joke all by yourself. That's so fresh, too. Any Titanic jokes, you want to throw at me, as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity? Because I'm here. God, you're so funny.
Jeff: Meg?
Meg: Jeff? Wow, hey! What are you doing here?
Jeff: They had a sale on Super Soakers! Check it out.
Meg: [Giggling]
Jeff: What the heck?
Teen 1: Nudist!
Teen 2: My dad's a tailor, you jerk!
Meg: Gosh, that's awful!
Jeff: Ah, that's all right. I'm used to it. Well, I better go. So, um, would you want to do something sometime?
Jeff: Sure. That'd be great.
Meg: Cool. I'll call you later.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
Old Neighbor: Holy moly! It must be my birthday!
Stewie: [Ineffective blowing] [Farting noise] [Nervous laughter] Thank you. That was, 'Me Farting' by Chopin. Thank you very...
<outside>
Stewie: So, Olivia. Beautiful day.
Olivia: You're not gonna fart again, are you?
Stewie: Well, I'd love to stay and chat. But you're a total bitch.
Teacher: The quarterly review's tomorrow. Think all your kids will pass?
Simon: Well, I'll tell you who's not gonna pass. It starts with an "O" and rhymes with "Bolivia." Give up? Olivia.
Teacher: Really?
Simon: Oh, yes! She's such a little frosty box! She won't work with anybody. And Stewie Griffin is also on the fence. If he and Olivia don't deliver at their quarterly reviews I'll just goint to have to kick their cute little bottoms out of here.
Olivia: Uh, this table is reserved for people with talent.
Stewie: Stow the 'tude, queenie. You and I have a problem. Read it and weep.
Olivia: "Doesn't work well with others"?
Stewie: Yes. Mine's no better. I'll spare you the details, suffice it to say the phrase "garden variety" appears a number of times.
Olivia: What am I going to do?
Stewie: What are 'we' going to do? Look, our evaluation's tomorrow. You need someone to work with and, well, I need someone to make me look good.
Olivia: I don't know.
Stewie: Well, fine! Refuse my offer. Get booted out of this place and wind up like Linda Evans.
Intercom: Linda Evans, we have a spill in Aisle 9. Linda Evans, spill in Aisle 9.
Meg: Do you like yours with crust or without?
Jeff: How do you like yours?
Meg: Okay, let's both answer at the same time. One, two, three.
Jeff: Without!
Meg: Without!
Jeff: Holy moly! That's eight things we have in common!
Lois: Kids, we're home.
Jeff: Hello, Mr. And Mrs. Griffin.
Meg: You guys remember Jeff?
Peter: Sure. Lois, I'm gonna borrow your Mace. <sprays self in eyes> That's better.
Lois: Meg, did any of the neighbors see Jeff come over?
Meg: Mom! Come on, Jeff. Let's go in the other room.
Lois: Now, Meg, no need to get so testes... Testy! Nuts! I mean crap!
Meg: You want to sit down?
Peter: Wait a second! Don't sit down yet!
Meg: Dad, what are you doing?
Peter: I'm uh, keeping the couch fresh.
Meg: Dad!
Jeff: It's okay, Meg. I understand what's going on here. I'm gonna go.
Peter: Oh, just step on these coasters on your way out. There we go, yeah. Don't step on the hot lava. The carpet is hot lava.
Meg: I can't believe you guys!
Peter: Meg, how could you bring that naked kid into our house?
Meg: Because I like him! He remembers my name!
Lois: Well, I'm sorry but we don't think you should see him anymore.
Meg: [Sobbing]
Lois: I hate the sound of her crying.
Peter: You know what sounds even worse?
[Screech of cellophane]
Peter: Ah, listen to that. Don't you hate that? That is awful. I think it's easier on me 'cause I'm the one making the sound.
Simon: Okay, nice effort, Brad. But let's remember our performance hierarchy. Legitimate theater, musical theater, stand-up, ventriloquism, magic, mime. All right, next up is Olivia. Liv, what monologue are you doing for us this time?
Olivia: I'm not doing a monologue. I'm doing a piece with Stewie.
Simon: A duet. Really? Well, let's see it.
Stewie:: A five, six, seven, eight ? Who's got the greatest gal around? ?
Olivia: ? You do! ? ? Who's got the sweetest man in town? ?
Stewie:: ? You do ?
Olivia: ? Who's got a guy who makes her smile all day? ?
Stewie:: By the way, I'm not so bad to look at either
Olivia: ? Who's got a guy with lots of brains? ?
Stewie:: ? You do ?? Who's got the girl who loves chow mein? ?
Olivia: ? You do ?
Stewie:: ? Who's got the greatest love in the world? ?
Olivia: ? You do ?
Stewie:: ? And you do ?
Both: ? Thank goodness I've got you ?
Olivia: ? Who's got a guy to tell her jokes? ?
Stewie:: ? You do ?? Who's got a girl to show the folks? ?
Olivia: ? You do ?
Stewie:: ? Who's got a girl he'd like to one day undress? ?
Olivia: ? Give it a rest, I told you not until we're married ?
Stewie:: ? Who's got the gal with all the snazz? ?
Olivia: ? You do ?? Who's got the fella with pizazz? ?
Stewie:: ? You do ?? Who's got the greatest love in the world? ?
Olivia: ? You do ?
Stewie:: ? And you do ?
Both: ? Thank goodness I've got you ?
[Applause]
Simon: Watch this. Are you watching? [slaps self in face] That's for me ever having doubted you. A-plus!
Stewie: And that's for you wearing purple pants with blue socks! [Wincing] I totally called him on it.
Simon: Okay, no secrets. I want to share Stewie and Olivia with the world.
Lois: Well, they're awfully young. Is this really a good idea?
Olivia's Mother: It's a great idea. I've always dreamed of becoming an actress. That's not why I'm pushing Olivia to do it. Is it suspicious that I brought that up unprovoked?
Lois: Well, I guess it might be okay.
Peter: Sure, look at Elroy Jetson. He was a child actor and he turned out just fine.
Elroy: Do you know who I am? I'm Elroy Jetson!
Bar Manager: Yeah, yeah, come back when you have some money. Take him home, Bamm-Bamm.
Bamm-Bamm: Bamm-bamm-bamm!
Elroy: I don't want to go home! Take me to Astro's grave!
Olivia: ? You do ?
Stewie:: ? And you do ?
Both: ? Thank goodness I've got you ?
[Applause] [Laughing]
Olivia: Do you hear that! They love us!
Stewie: Yes, we're a hit! You were amazing!
Olivia: Oh, so were you!
Stewie: It was a good crowd. They didn't even notice that you missed that F-sharp!
Olivia: Yes. Well...beg pardon?
Stewie: The F-sharp, darling. You were just slightly off.
Olivia: I'm pretty sure I wasn't!
Stewie: Oh, well, maybe it was me.
Olivia: Must've been you.
Stewie: I was being sarcastic.
Olivia: Well, it wasn't me!
Stewie: Well, it wasn't me!
Stewie & Olivia: [Singing single notes]
Stewie: Like this, listen to me!
Lois: Oh, hi, Meg.
[Meg slams door and silently goes upstairs]
Lois: Peter, Do you think maybe it was unfair to tell Meg she couldn't see that boy?
Peter: Oh, completely. We totally reamed her. Did you see that look in her eyes? She hates you.
Stewie & Olivia: [Singing single notes]
Simon: Well, there it is, kids. Your first marquee. Meet you inside.
Olivia: Pretty exciting.
Stewie: What? The marquee or the other thing?
Olivia: What other thing?
Stewie: You know. The sex. With Simon. Why else would your name be first?
Olivia: Well, it's obvious. You know, lead with strength. Put your best foot forward, et cetera, et cetera.
Stewie: So, the sex was good?
Olivia: Oh, shut up, you egotistical jerk!
Stewie: You shut up, you sap-bellied strumpet!
Olivia: Blimp-headed jackass!
Stewie: Mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant!
Stewie & Olivia: ? Thank goodness I've got you ?
Meg: Jeff? What are you doing here? I'm not supposed to see you.
Jeff: Your parents invited me.
Meg: My parents? But they wouldn't...
Lois: Yes, we would.
Meg: Oh, my God! What are you doing?
Lois: We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance.
Peter: Yeah. We wanted him to feel welcome in our home.
Chris: Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey, why is everybody else naked?
Peter: Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! In your face!
Meg: [Screaming]
Jeff: I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. And Mrs. Griffin.
Lois: Our pleasure, Jeff.
Peter: Nice hanging with you, Jeff.
Meg: I'm sorry about my parents. I hope they didn't embarrass you.
Jeff: Are you kidding? I think they're great! It took a lot of guts for them to do what they did. I'll see you later.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
Meg: Thanks, you guys. That was really cool.
Quagmire: Peter. Can I borrow your lawnmower? You folks got a towel?
Olivia: Would you be a dear and ask Stewie to dance on his own feet tonight?
Stewie: Pardon me, Simon, could you provide Olivia with a bucket so she can carry a tune?
Simon: People! People! Stop this craziness! The critic from the Providence Journal is here. If he gives us a good review, the doors are gonna fly open! Now, go get 'em, my little sillybillies!
Stewie: All right, let's just get through this.
Olivia: Fine with me.
Stewie: Wait a minute. You're wearing ruby lipstick. You're painted up like some attention-grabbing Jezebel!
Olivia: Well, you're one to talk! You've been stuffing your diaper since day one!
Stewie: It's where I keep my peppermint Mentos! Just because your breath reeks of rotten Lunchables doesn't mean mine has to.
[Oriental instrumental music]
Simon: Break it up! Break it up!
Olivia: I don't need this act, and I don't need you! You've done nothing but hold me back! I quit!
Stewie: The only thing I've held you back from is failure! Come on, Simon. We don't need that little Bebe No-worth!
Simon: I don't know, Stewie. Without Olivia this act is like Fire Island after Labor Day. Over!
Stewie: Fine! I don't need you! I can manage my own career! [Stammering] Yes, I'm quite capable of that.
Stewie: ?I've got my top hat and cane and a pocketful of miracles? ?Pocketful of miracles, Pocketful of miracles?
[Booing]
Man 1: You suck!
Man 2: Somebody get a hook!
Man 3: This is worse than Seussical!
Stewie: No, wait, wait! I was about to do this thing. [does the vaudeville running in place routine]
[Curtain lowering]
Stewie: Oh, hello. Didn't notice you there. It's not easy living with my family. A bunch of characters they are. Like my father: 'Holy crap, Lois! Check out the freakin' log in the toilet!'
Elroy: Get off the stage!
Stewie: What do you say, Bernie? Two nights at the old rate?
Retirement Home Manager: Like I told you before, kid, I can't book you without Olivia.
Stewie: But that's the good news. We're back together. She's right here. <holds up ventriloquist dummy of Olivia>
Olivia doll:"Hi, Bernie. Glad to be back. Ask Stewie about his sexy parties."
[Manager slams door on Stewie]
Stewie: "Ask Stewie about his sexy parties." What were you thinking?
Olivia doll: I was just trying...
Stewie: I'm not speaking to you.
Olivia doll: But, Stewie...
Stewie: Shut up!
[Stewie is talking to his dolls, clearly having a nervous breakdown]
Stewie: I guess the best advice I got was from Marty Scorsese. I was having a problem understanding why I'd be taking abuse from this lower-ranking officer played by Chris O'Donnell. And he told me, "You don't have to understand it. Your character does." Oh, that always stuck with me.
Olivia: Stewie?
Stewie: Olivia, what are you doing here? I must be an absolute mess. The studio made me fire my make-up girl.
Olivia: Oh, I just wanted to stop by and see how you were doing. I had heard some things.
Stewie: That it's going great for me? Well, you heard right!
Olivia: Glad to hear that.
Stewie: But, hey, you know, if you're not busy, um, what say you and I get the old team back together?
Olivia: Well, actually, I can't. I'm on my way to Hollywood. I got this part in a movie, and...
Stewie: [Stammering] What am I thinking? I'd love to. But I'm booked solid. I'm doing a three-episode guest shot on 'The Gilmore Girls.' I'm playing Rory's motorcycle-driving boyfriend. He's a bad boy at heart, but there's some good in there, Olivia. And it comes through, absolutely.
Olivia: That's really good to hear, Stewie. Please, take care of yourself.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
Stewie: See you on the coast!
Limo Driver: So, did you let him have it?
Olivia: No. He let himself have it.
Orderly: This is it.
Brian: Hey, uh, how're you doing, kid?
Stewie: Are you from Wardrobe?
Brian: No, it's me, Brian. I brought what you wanted. But they wouldn't let me leave it. So...
Stewie: Hit it once, please. Just once.
[Tuning fork vibrating]
Stewie: [Sings note] Oh, my God! I was flat. All right, then. Help me up. Let's go home.
[closing theme music]