Brian Wallows and Peters Swallows

Brian: So, uh, tell me about yourself, Tina.
Tina: Well, I really love music.
Brian: Oh, God! Me, too! You know, I just saw Don Giovanni. In my opinion, the best opera of the 18th century.
Tina: Definitely.
Brian: And the use of recitative throughout.... Mozart was a genius.
Tina: [Stuttering] Oh, yeah. Reci-ta-tive is really where it's at.
Waiter: Sir, are we ready to order?
Brian: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second. You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
Tina: Sure I do! Opera's bitchin'! Okay. I guess I'll have the es-car-got and a glass of chab-liss.
Brian: Same here. Es-car-got and the chab-liss.
[Idle plinking of piano keys]
Lois: Don't dawdle, Jonas. Play your exercises. Brian, you're home early, what happened with your date?
Brian: Same thing that always happens, she was an idiot.
Lois: Oh, Brian. Don't slow down Jonas, keep the rhythm. ? Bum, bum, bum, bum. Brian, your standards are ridiculously high, you'll never find a girl unless you're willing to make exceptions and compromise so you can find your love. ?
Brian: ? Lois, I don't think I have to compromise a thing, I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't get me, oh, and how long has the coffee been on the burner in the kitchen, I could really use a cup about now. ?
Lois: ? Oh, its not very fresh, you see I meant to make more but I made the mistake of getting caught up watching Oprah, she had on James Garner. ?
Brian: ? James Garner, what's he plugging? ?
Lois: ? I don't know, some crappy movie on TNT. ? Very good Jonas, I'll see you next week. So what is it Brian, you don't think these women understand you? Or...
Brian: You know, Lois, I'm really not comfortable talking about this amelodically.
Lois: Peter, I was wondering if you could...
Peter: Hang on a second, Lois
Announcer: And now back to The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams.
Ben: Um, Grizzly? Who's Steve?
Grizzly: What?
Ben: There's a message on the machine from somebody named Steve.
Grizzly: Oh, yeah, Steve. He's new to the mountain. I met him down at the general store. He makes canoes.
Ben: Oh. How come I've never met him?
Grizzly: He hasn't really been here that long.
Ben: Long enough to get your number!
Grizzly: Ben! Ben! Damn it.
Peter: Look at that Grizzly Adams, huh? Look at how confident he is, how majestic. Lois, I'm gonna grow a beard.
Lois: Oh, Peter, you know I hate beards.
Peter: No, no, Lois. It's time I joined the ranks of great men with beards. Why do you think Jesus Christ was so popular? Huh? 'Cause of all them magic tricks?
Lois: Listen, Brian's very depressed. Can you and the guys take him with you to the laser rock show tonight?
Peter: Aw, sure. If there's one thing I'm good at doing, it's cheering people up.
[cut to Peter at funeral graveside]
Peter: Mr. and Mrs. Ramsey, JonBenet's untimely death is a tragedy. And I will not rest until I find her killer, or killers.
Mrs. Ramsey: Oh, really. Don't bother. Nothing's going to bring our baby back.
Peter: No, no, I insist. I will make it my life's work to find out...
Mr. Ramsey: We're fine! Just drop it!
Announcer: The next laser rock show will begin in 20 minutes.
Peter: You hear that, Brian? A laser rock show! Come on, cheer up, would you?
Brian: I don't much feel like it.
Presenter: Binary is the computer language in which words are translated into sequences of zeroes and ones. Anything at all can be expressed in binary as we demonstrate in this famous scene from 'The Miracle Worker.'
Annie Sullivan: Zero one, one zero, one zero, zero one.
Helen Keller: [Incomprehensible gibberish]
Annie Sullivan: Zero one, one zero, one zero, zero one!
Helen Keller: [Garbled repetition of binary phrase]
Annie Sullivan: Zero one! Zero one!
[Exhibit, 'The Miracle of Electricity.' Old man flicks lamp on and off]
Old man: What, you don't think this is amazing? When I saw this at the 1904 World's Fair, I nearly crapped my pants!
Quagmire: All right! Virtual reality! Whoa, you guys gotta try this! Hey, look at me! I'm a pole in a strip club! It's show time. No! Stop! False alarm!
Peter: Oh, my God! I'm flyin', I'm flyin'! [in VR, Peter is seated on an airliner] Yes, I'll have a Diet Sprite.
["One" by Three Dog Night ("One is the loneliest number...") plays under laser show visuals]
Mayor West: <to own right hand> You are a filthy whore.
Cleveland: Okay, Johnny Depp or Richard Grieco?
Quagmire: Ah, that's gross!
Peter: Yeah, let's not do this!
Cleveland: Come on. If you're secure in your masculinity, you can answer a simple hypothetical.
Quagmire: All right. Johnny Depp because he kind of looks like a chick, I guess.
Cleveland: What about you, Peter?
Peter: Oh, man! I don't know. Richard Grieco would probably appreciate you more. You know, not take you for granted. I mean with Johnny Depp, it's like he wouldn't really need you, you know?. He'd probably sneak out after you fell asleep. Of course, with Johnny, you'd get the financial security. I'd go with Johnny.
[Sirens wailing]
Brian: Oh, great.
Joe: Brian.
Brian: Uh, hey, Joe. How's it going?
Joe: Pretty good. You were doing a little swerving back there.
Brian: Yeah, me and the boys were just...
Joe: Whoa, you're off the meter, Brian! You're under arrest.
Brian: Oh, come on!
Joe: Move it! One of you guys all right to drive?
Peter: Um, yeah. I can do it.
Joe: Great. I'll meet you at the Drunken Clam. We'll tie one on. <to Brian> I'm very disappointed in you.
[Outside courthouse. Title: ONE MONTH LATER]
Brian: God, a DUI! I can't believe this. I could actually go to jail!
Lois: It's okay, Brian. You'll get through this DUI, and you'll be a better person for it.
Stewie: Well now, hold on a minute. Don't disguise his alcohol dependence as a ticket to self-realization!
Brian: Look, you're not one to talk, all right? You remember that time I gave you apple juice and told you it was wine?
Stewie: <drunkenly> I think you are a special person.
Brian: Thanks.
Stewie: Now, come on! I'm being serious. I'm gonna be serious here for a second! Are you gonna listen to me? Are you gonna listen to me so I can tell you that I respect you? [Snickering]
Peter: Brian, I know this is a bad time for you. If I have any advice to give you, it is this. Grow a beard.
Lois: Peter, I wish you'd shave that thing. Beards are so ugly.
Wooly Willy: Hey!
Lois: Oh, relax, Wooly Willy. There's lots of fun things you can do with that. There we go.
Wooly Willy: Thanks!
Judge: On the charge of driving under the influence, this court finds you guilty.
Stewie: Yes! Good call. Churn the butter. Ooo, ooo!
Judge: In lieu of jail time, I sentence you to 100 hours of community service. Next item. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join these two in holy matrimony. If anyone objects to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace.
Mayor West: Quiet down! You had your chance!
Meg: So, what do you have to do for your community service?
Brian: I got assigned to the Outreach to the Elderly program. I gotta take care of some old woman who hasn't been out of her house in 30 years.
Chris: When I got caught at school with my hand down my pants I had to keep it there for a whole week. Ha! What a week!
Brian: I don't know, I guess taking care of this old woman'll be just like baby-sitting, only with bigger diapers.
Stewie: Aha! So they do make bigger diapers! That deceitful woman told me I'd have to learn to use the toilet. Well, fie on the toilet! It's made slaves of you all. I've seen it sitting in there, lazy, slothful, porcelain layabout feeding on other people's doo-doos while contributing nothing of its own to society! You get a job!
[Rings doorbell]
Brian: Uh, Pearl Burton? My name's Brian. I'm here from the Outreach to the Elderly program?
Pearl: You're late!
[Several locks opening]
Brian: Ah! What the hell is this?
Pearl: Delousing powder! Everyone on the outside is filthy!
Brian: Well, you could have given me some warning!
Pearl: Here's your warning-it's gonna burn like hell in 30 seconds. I like my tea at 4:00, my dinner at 6:00. And I take my bath at 7:00 sharp, so I can listen to Paul Harvey. You will warm up my bath water with quick bursts from the faucet during commercials only. It's going to take you a while to get the rhythm-Paul Harvey moves seamlessly into commercials. By the way, it's been 30 seconds.
Brian: [Screaming]
Lois: Peter, stop scratching that thing.
Peter: I can't. It's itching like crazy.
Chris: Dad, can I scratch your beard?
Peter: Have you finished your homework?
Chris: Yes.
Peter: Okay then.
Lois: Brian, you've been awfully quiet. Is the community service not going that well?
Brian: Lois, it's horrible. I was cleaning her house all day. It's the worst job I've ever had. Well, except for one. <cut to Brian in apron, offering food samples at the supermarket> Excuse me. Would you like to taste my smoked-meat log?
Waiter: Here you go. Enjoy your food.
Stewie: Enjoy your studio apartment.
Lois: Peter, you got a little something right here.
Peter: Where? Here?
Lois: No, no, no. Other side.
Peter: Over here?
Lois: The left side.
Peter: Right here?
Lois: Your other left side.
Peter: Where am I at?
Lois: Up a little.
Peter: Do I have it?
Lois: Up a little.
Peter: Is it gone?
Lois: Now go down.
Peter: Is it gone? [screams] Is it gone? [screams] Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!
Lois: Peter, hold still! Hold still!
Dr. Goodman Wait, don't touch that bird!
Peter: What's it to you, pal?
Dr. Goodman I'm Dr. Goodman of the Quahog Ornithological Society, ironically dining in a restaurant that exclusively serves poultry.
Lois: Doctor, what is this?
Dr. Goodman Oh, it's a very rare species. The endangered White-Rumped Swallow.
Chris: Ha ha! Rump.
Peter: This isn't funny, Chris! Ha ha ha, swallow. Look, just get rid of this bird, all right?
Dr. Goodman Unfortunately, I can't do that. Once the swallow has chosen its nesting place, it's illegal to disturb it.
Lois: But, he can't walk around with a bird in his beard.
Dr. Goodman I'm sorry, you have to wait until the bird departs of its own accord or you'll be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
Meg: Wow! You sure know a lot of stuff.
Dr. Goodman It's great to learn.
Diners: 'Cause knowledge is power!
Pearl: What is this? Spit soup?
Brian: Tomato bisque.
Pearl: What is this? Snot soup?
Brian: Tomato bisque!
Pearl: What is this? Diarrhea soup?
Brian: Look, I'm not making you anything else. So, just eat it, all right?
Pearl: Fine! Then I'll have to call the judge, and that means you'll go to jail! You're one phone call away from getting a human booster shot from a guy named Molly.
[Peter and Lois are at the movies. The bird keeps eating Peter's popcorn]
Peter: Damn it all! Sorry! Sorry!
[bird squawks]
Patrons: Hey, shut up! Keep it down! We're trying to watch-
Peter: Look, there's nothing I can do, all right?
Patrons: Take it outside, pal! Ever heard of a sitter?
Peter: Look, it's an endangered species. What am I supposed to...
Man: I'll make you an endangered species!
Peter: Oh, good comeback, Potsie!
Man: I'll kick your ass, that's what I'll do.
Peter: Look, everybody just shut up! Shut up! He has stopped squawking. He's receded into my beard. We can all watch the movie. Shut up.
Voice: Eric, if you're in here, we're all going to Marty's after the movie.
Lois: I love you so much.
Peter: I love you, too, honey.
Chris: What's wrong?
Peter: Now that's it. You're history, pal. No bird frenches my wife and gets away with it!
Pearl: Help! Help! I've broken my hip! Brian! 5.3 seconds. I could have been dead by now!
Brian: You mean, you're not really...
Pearl: I heard you drop that light bulb, too. That'll be 67 cents! Now, go warm me up some of that diarrhea soup!
Brian: That's it! I have had it with you, you old hag! You're just a miserable, dried-up shut-in trying to make everyone else feel as bad as you do! Why don't you do the world a big favor and drop dead?
Brian: This last one won't open.
Pearl: Jiggle it a little bit.
Brian: Like this?
Pearl: Nah, here, let me get it.
Brian: Thanks. And you know-drop dead.
[Heavy metal rock music]
Peter: Get out of my beard, you squawking bastard! Nothing. Well, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this.
Lois: Oh my God, Peter, no!
Peter: Lois, the bird must die!
[Lois and Peter struggle for the gun, which goes off, breaking the window]
Peter: It's gone! It's gone! Oh, thank God!
Lois: Peter, what's that sound?
[Chirping]
Peter: Oh, my God! They're babies. Hey, look, Lois. There are three of them, just like ours. <Chris and Stewie's heads appear on the first two birds, then nothing on the third> And uh, um.... <Boba Fett's head appears on third bird> Sweet.
Announcer: We now return to E!'s Mysteries and Scandals. Pearl Burton, the Jingle Queen.
Brian: Pearl?
A.J. Benza: I'm A.J. Benza. You won't find Pearl Burton's name on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Yet from 1945 to 1960, you couldn't turn on a radio or television without hearing one of her trademark jingles.
Pearl: ? You're only healthy when you're tan so soak up all the sun you can with Copper-Coppertone! ?
A.J. Benza: At her peak, Pearl Burton earned 26 grand a year which by today's standards would be just under 49 billion dollars.
Lois: Brian, she's beautiful.
Brian: Yeah. And that voice. I had no idea.
A.J. Benza: In 1961, Pearl used an appearance at Carnegie Hall to make the leap from jingle-singer to artist.
Pearl: [sings operatic aria]
Brian: That's Habanera from Carmen. I've never heard it sung so beautifully.
Audience: Sing Coppertone! Yeah, Coppertone! Do Doan's Pills! Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder! Pepsodent! Chiclets! Chiclets!
A.J. Benza: No one has seen Pearl Burton since that fateful night over 30 years ago. She's presumed dead.
Brian: My God! And I said all those awful things to her!
[Brian rushes to Pearl's house, where she is about to hang herself]
Brian: Pearl! Come on, Pearl! Don't do this!
Pearl: You should be happy! I'm taking your advice and doing the world a big favor! Now, move! Your fur is making my feet sweat!
Brian: Pearl, listen to me. I heard you sing. It was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life.
Pearl: Sure. Warbling for Vicks VapoRub and Dippity-do!
Brian: No, no, Pearl, I mean...
Pearl: Ah, stop trying to talk me out of it! I'm a pathetic sellout!
Brian: No one who sings Carmen like you is pathetic!
Pearl: What?
Brian: I heard you sing Habanera. You were sublime.
Pearl: You liked my aria?
Brian: I was overwhelmed.
Pearl: You're the first person who ever complimented my Habanera. Thank you.
Brian: Well, I'd better get going. I'll see you tomorrow.
Pearl: But you're not scheduled tomorrow.
Brian: I know.
[Cheerful instrumental music]
[Peter and the birds montage]
Peter: And then the cow came out of the barn. See? See, look. There's the cow. And what does a cow say? Yes, yes, that's right. A cow says peep-peep-peep-peep.
Lois: You know, Peter, they're getting awfully big.
Peter: So?
Lois: So, every good mother knows when it's time for her babies to leave the nest.
Peter: Hey, they're free to go anytime they want! [birds attempt to leave] Fine. I'll let them go.
Pearl: [sings final notes of Ave Maria]
Brian: Pearl, do you rent or own?
Pearl: Own what?
Brian: Those wings, you angel. That was fantastic. That was so incredible.
Pearl: So, what do you want for dinner? I was thinking about making us that lamb and rice you love.
Brian: Well, you know, Pearl, what I'd really like for dinner is to go out.
Pearl: Brian, you know I can't do that. I haven't left this house in such a long time. I'm afraid.
Brian: I know. But I'll be with you.
Pearl: I don't know.
Brian: Come on, Pearl. There's so much you've missed in the last 30 years. In fact, allow me to fill you in. ? The '60s brought the hippie breed And decades later, things have changed indeed We lost the values, but we kept the weed You've got a lot to see ?
? The Reagan years have laid the frame for movie stars to play the White House game We're not too far from voting Feldman-Haim You've got a lot to see ?
? The town of Vegas has got a different face 'cause it's a family place with lots to do Where in the '50s, a man could mingle with scores of all the seediest whores, well now his children can, too ?
? You heard it from the canine's mouth The country's changed, that is, except the South And you'll agree No one really knows, my dear lady friend just quite how it all will end So, hurry 'cause you've got a lot to see ?
? The baldness gene was cause for dread but that's a fear that you can put to bed They'll shave your ass and glue it on your head You've got a lot to see ?
? The PC age has moved the bar A word like 'redneck' is a step too far The proper term is 'country-music star' You've got a lot to see ?
? Our flashy cell phones make people mumble 'Gee whiz, look how important he is, his life must rule' You'll get a tumor But on your surgery day, the doc will see it and say 'Wow, you must really be cool' ?
Tom Tucker: There's lots of things you may have missed.
Mayor West: Like Pee Wee and his famous wrist.
Cleveland: Or Sandy Duncan's creepy phony eye.
Neil Goldman: That awesome Thundercats cartoon.
Diane Simmons: Neil Armstrong landing on the moon.
Meg: Neil Armstrong? Wait-was he the trumpet guy?
Brian: ? So, let's go see the USA They'll treat you right unless you're black or gay or Cherokee But you can forgive the world and its flaws and follow me there because you've still got a hell of a lot to see You've got a lot to see ?
Pearl: Brian, I've missed so much! I wouldn't be standing here right now if it wasn't for you!
Doctor: She's right in here. Just tell the disorderly when you're ready to leave.
Brian: Don't you mean the orderly?
Doctor: No, I mean the disorderly. That's a little doctor joke we like to make around here. We also like Kevin Pollack.
Brian: Oh, my God, Pearl!
Pearl: Brian, I don't have much time.
Brian: God, I never should have made you leave the house! This is all my fault!
Pearl: Don't be so hard on yourself. Aside from the truck part, this was the best day of my life. I only wish we could have a little more time together.
Brian: We can.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
Peter: Good-bye, kids.
[Heart monitor flatline]
Brian: Good-bye, Pearl.
Doctor: Hey, who wants to see a dead body?
Peter: Rough week, huh?
Brian: I've seen better.
Peter: Brian, looks like somebody's checking you out.
Brian: I'm-I'm not ready yet. You're getting some looks yourself.
Peter: I'm not ready either.
[closing theme music]