Screwed the Pooch

Lois: Okay. I got the whole day planned. First, we see the primates. Then the butterfly house. Then a bathroom break. Then we'll...
Peter: Come on, Lois. Can't we all run around in a disorganized fashion?
Meg: Yeah!
Stewie: Let it go, Lois!
Chris: Monkeys throw their poop!
Lois: No. If we don't adhere to a strict schedule, we won't see everything.
Peter: Kids, gas masks. Run!
[Cheery instrumental music]
Stewie: There you are. Oh, don't be such a pig, Mr. Pig. Now, where's Mr. Sheep? Is he being baaa-shful? [Laughing] That's right. You're all ripe for parody.
Brian: Can we go now?
Stewie: Shut up! I'm having fun. Oh, my! Someone's awfully rude. My fanny is not on the menu! What? Oh! Oh, God!
Peter: Here, little fella. Come get the food. I have always wanted to do this.
Lois: Oh, here are the marsupials. Peter, what the hell are you doing?
Peter: Look at me, Lois. I'm Roo! Come on, Ma. Let's go watch Pooh trick the bees out of their honey by pretending he's a rain cloud.
Stewie: I am going to kick your ass.
Theme Song
[Sentimental instrumental music]
Brian: How's it going?
Man: Great. Beautiful day.
Brian: Oh, gorgeous. You know, we sit here and force small talk while they have the time of their lives.
Man Yeah. Yeah.
Brian: [Whistles] Here, girl. [Shuddering] Sorry. I thought I smelled...cookies.
Mort Goldman: Wow! Does it really smell like...oh, God! She farted, and it went down my throat!
Peter: Full house.
Cleveland: Dagnab! That's some poker face you've got, Peter.
Peter: Years of practice, boys.
Joe: Peter, you're on a roll. We ought to get you down to Atlantic City this weekend.
Peter: Sorry, guys. Lois is making me visit the in-laws this weekend. I don't know why she even bothers. Me and Lois's old man have never gotten along.
[Peter at computer]
Peter: Hey, I got an e-mail from Mr. Pewterschmidt!
Joe: You should find some common ground with your father-in-law, Peter. Figure out what he likes, and study up on it.
Peter: Hey, that's a great idea. I'll learn how to act like a rich guy. I'm gonna start right now. Cratchit, you're working through Christmas!
Bob Cratchit: But, sir, what of Tiny Tim?
Peter: Bah! He and his ukulele shall go wanting.
[Peter at newsstand]
Peter: Huh-The New Yorker. I bet Lois's dad reads this. "I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic." [Crickets chirping] [crickets chirping] Oh, I get it. That's kind of funny. Yeah. Can I have a copy of Jugs?
[Peter at adult education class]
Teacher: In French, when you want to say "yes," you say "oui, oui."
Peter: You gotta be kidding me! Oh, my God! That is hysterical! Oh, man! And what do you say for no? "Doo-doo"? Hey, I'll be right back. I gotta go take a wicked "yes."
[Regal instrumental music]
Crowd: [Exclaiming with comprehension]
Guy: It's a person.
Lois: Peter, would you please fix the bathroom faucet?
Peter: I fixed it already.
Lois: No, you didn't. It's still dripping.
Peter: No way! I will give you all my Star Wars cards if it is. Wait, wait. Except Boba Fett. No matter how sure I am, I never risk the Fett man.
Lois: Oh, my God! [Gasping] Was he just mastur...
Peter: Yes.
Lois: Oh, my!
Peter: Do we-do we rub his nose in it?
Lois: Oh, hi, Brian.
Brian: Uh, listen, Lois, about yesterday...
Lois: Oh, Brian. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. It's perfectly normal.
Brian: I know. It's just, you know, I should be able to control my baser instincts. But lately I've just been having these urges.
Lois: Brian, why don't you come up to my parents' house with us? The fresh air will help you relax.
Stewie: I know where I go when I want to relax. [Stewie at gay dance club] I know the guy that owns this place!
Man: What?
Stewie: I said, I know the guy that...I'll tell you later. I love this song.
[Dance music playing]
Brian: Thanks. But I think a quiet weekend here by myself is just the thing I need.
Lois: well, have a good time.
Brian: All right, I'm just gonna relax, mellow out, and watch some television.
Announcer: We now return to "World's Sluttiest Dogs" on Fox.
Brian: Hey, wait up!
Peter: [laughs] Right into the bumper.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Lois: Hi, Mom.
Barbara: Oh, look at you all. I know someone who's getting a gift certificate for liposuction in her stocking.
Meg: Thank you, Nana.
Carter: Hello, everyone.
Lois: Hi, Daddy.
Peter: Bonjour, Monsieur Pewterschmidt.
Carter: Did Peter have a stroke?
Lois: No, Daddy. Peter's cultured himself, like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
Carter: Oh, so I should treat him like a high-class whore.
Peter: That's fine. Just no kissing on the lips.
Barbara: Would you like a piece of candy?
Stewie: I smell death on you!
Peter: Ahoy, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Permission to come aboard?
Carter: No!
Peter: Thanks. Quite a schooner you got here. What is she, like, a 45-footer?
Carter: Peter, I didn't know you were a sailor.
Peter: I didn't know you looked so good in shorts. [Whistling and purring]
Carter: What?
Peter: You don't have an eye spliced in this mooring line. I'll tie a bowline in there and make one for you. That should hold her.
Sommelier: And this is a '74 Pinot Noir.
Man 1: Lovely.
Man 2: Carter, did you tell your son-in-law he's not supposed to swallow the wine?
Peter: [Slurring] Where the hell is that Peter Griffin? He said he'd give me $100 if I took off all my clothes off.
Carter: [Growling]
Brian: Thanks for bringing me here, Lois. This is just what I needed.
Lois: I'm glad. It seems like everybody's having a lot of fun.
Masseuse: So, how long are you and your family in town?
Stewie: No conversation.
Carter: You idiot! I'm never taking you to my country club again!
Peter: Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Carter: Your husband is a moron! He walks up to the premier of China and says, "Dong, where is my automobile?"
Peter: Lois, I tried to fit in with your dad's crowd, but it's worse than before. I tell ya, this sucks worse than that time I was on Survivor.
[on "Survivor"]
Peter: How dare you wash your clothes in our drinking water, Bebe? Now how are we gonna survive in this harsh, unforgiving terrain?
Bob Barker: All right, Donny, make sure the wheel goes all the way around.
Peter: [Fakes being afraid] Oh, no. Headhunters. Am I fired?
Lois: Daddy, Peter's been trying really hard to get you to like him. Couldn't you give him another chance? Let him join your poker game tomorrow night?
Carter: Sorry, honey. I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with Nathan Lane, Gilbert Gottfried, Carrot Top, uh, Sean Hayes.... well, you get the picture.
Lois: Please?
Carter: No!
Lois: Okay. You know, maybe later I'll take Mom by the shoeshine place and introduce her to that nice mulatto boy who looks an awful lot like...
Carter: Say, would Peter like to play poker with us?
Lois: He'd love to, Daddy.
Carter: That sounds dynamite.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Carter: Brian, come over here and meet Seabreeze, my prize-winning dog. Isn't she a perfect specimen? I mean, look at these legs, and that beautiful coat, and feel the heat coming off of her genitalia. You could roast a marshmallow. That's how you can tell she's a champion. Go on, put your hand there.
Brian: Oh, boy. That is something.
Carter: Is that something?
Brian: That is something. That is hot.
Carter: Isn't she the most beautiful dog you've ever seen?
Brian: Yes, yes, she is a beautiful dog. And that's okay.
Carter: Gentlemen, this is Peter. He's the idiot my daughter married.
Michael Eisner: Michael Eisner.
Bill Gates: Bill Gates.
Carter: Bill, Peter's an antitrust lawyer with the Justice Department. Just kidding. He's a fisherman, or some stupid thing.
Ted Turner: Hey, fellas.
Peter: Wow! Ted Turner!
Carter: I told you guys not to invite him.
Michael Eisner: He must have followed us.
Ted Turner: Come on, ladies. Are we gonna play cards or what?
Carter: Peter, why don't you deal?
Peter: Okay, guys. We're playing Texas Hold 'Em.
Ted Turner: Are aces high or low?
Peter: They go both ways.
Bill Gates: He said, "They go both ways."
[All laughing]
Ted Turner: Like a bisexual.
Michael Eisner: Thank you, Ted. That was the joke.
Ted Turner: I see your bet, Carter. And I raise you CNN.
Carter: I don't think I can...
Peter: Wait, wait, wait. You can beat him, Mr. Pewterschmidt. He's bluffing.
Carter: Peter, he just bet CNN. There's no way he's bluffing.
Peter: I'm sure he is. He's got a tell. Listen, if you lose this hand, I'll divorce your daughter.
Carter: I'm in. All right, Teddy. I'll see your CNN with US Steel. What do you got?
Ted Turner: Two pair.
Carter: Ace-high straight.
Ted Turner: You sold me out. I could use a man like you. How's $1 million a year sound? You disgust me! Get out of my face!
Carter: Peter, that's the first time any of us have ever beaten Ted.
Bill Gates: Yeah. How did you know he was bluffing?
Peter: Well, when he lies, he blinks twice. I first noticed it when he did that Barbara Walters interview, and he said he'd be with Jane Fonda forever.
Bill Gates: Well, I'm gonna turn in.
Michael Eisner: Yeah. Me, too. I gotta be at Disneyland before it opens. We're ethnically cleansing the "Small World" ride.
Peter: Come on. You guys practically run this country. There's gotta be a ton of fun stuff we could do.
Bill Gates: All right!
Peter: Oh, man! There's a tollbooth. Hey, anybody got a quarter?
Bill Gates: What's a quarter?
Peter: Well, we gotta give him something.
[All laughing]
Peter: Man, looking up at the sky just makes you feel so small.
Bill Gates: Yeah. I mean, if God created all this, who created God?
Michael Eisner: Maybe he created himself.
Peter: Or herself. Think about that.
Bill Gates: Neat. This guy's deep, Carter. Where'd you find him?
Carter: He's my son-in-law.
[Cell phone rings]
Bill Gates: Okay, honey. I gotta go, you want a ride?
Michael Eisner: Sure.
Peter: Wow!
Carter: Peter, I actually had a good time with you tonight. And I just want to say-well-I'm glad you married my daughter.
Peter: Thank you, Jesus.
Jesus: Actually, it wasn't me. It was...
Vishnu: No, no. It's okay. I'm used to it.
Carter: Having fun, Peter?
Peter: You bet. I put all my poker winnings on your dog, Mr. P.
Brian: Dog?
Carter: You got nothing to worry about. Seabreeze is a sure thing.
Brian: Seabreeze?
Chris: Dad, where are the jockeys?
Peter: They're all in the laundry, son. I'm going Indian today.
Lois: Come on, Seabreeze!
Peter: Yeah! Come on! Come on! Go! Go! Go!
Brian: [shuddering]
Lois: What's Brian doing?
Meg: Oh, my God!
Carter: He's violating Seabreeze!
Peter: No, no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself-now he's violating Seabreeze.
Stewie: [Making funky porn-style music]
Brian: Mr. Pewterschmidt, again, I just want to tell you how sorry I am about this. I don't know what came over me.
Carter: You had better not have ruined my race dog!
Peter: Brian, I am very disappointed in you! I'd turn my back on you, but I've seen what you do in that situation. Now, if you'll excuse me, Carter and I have a polio match to attend.
Carter: Get away from me! You and that filthy mongrel of yours! How is she, Doctor?
Veternarian: She's fine. Seabreeze will be able to race again. But, unfortunately, not for another nine weeks. She's pregnant.
Brian: Look, Mr. Pewterschmidt, I just want you to know, I am going to do the right thing here.
Carter: You're not doing anything! In fact, you're never going to see Seabreeze again! All of you, pack your things and get out!
Peter:I am never speaking to you again. Don't worry, Mr. Pewterschmidt. I have a plan. I am gonna go back in time and stop Brian from getting it on with your dog. Everybody stand back. [wailing] Oh, boy. Oh, God. Ah.
[front door]
Peter: Mr. Pewterschmidt, please? Can we still be pals? See, look. I made a picture of you and me out of glue and macaroni.
Carter: Wow, Peter! That means a lot to me because you made it.
Peter: Really?
Carter: No! Get out of here!
Veternarian: Mr. Pewterschmidt! Seabreeze is gone!
Carter: What?
Lois: I can't find Brian.
Carter: Peter, you know what I'm going to do to you if Brian took off with my Seabreeze?
Peter: I think I have an idea. [sobbing]
Man: This is the room. The light switch is here. It's mostly for show. There's your Murphy bed. Don't mind the Epsteins. They keep to themselves.
Mrs. Epstein: We're going to see Bobby Darin at the Copa tomorrow, right, Charlie?
Mr. Epstein: Bobby Darin tomorrow.
Man: This is the bathroom. But watch out. We got some bad roaches here.
Roach 1: You're on our turf, man!
Roach 2: Man, I cut you! I cut you up so bad, you gonna wish I no cut you up so bad.
Brian: Those are bad roaches.
Man: I blame the schools.
[Mysterious instrumental music]
Brian: Were you followed?
Lois: Don't worry. I've got a decoy.
Quagmire: Hi, Lois. Hubba-hubba. Whoa, Lois! You put on a few, huh?
Chris: Well, I never!
Stewie: That's all right, honey. I don't think he was the one anyway. Now, let's go get sundaes.
Lois: You know, we all really miss you. And Peter talks about you all the time.
Brian: Oh, really? Anything nice?
Lois: No.
Brian: So, he's still mad, huh?
Lois: Well, I should go. Here. Take this. It's probably not a good idea for us to meet anymore. Daddy swore he'd track you down any way he could.
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Michael Eisner: Bingo!
Bill Gates: I told you she'd lead us to him. Let's call Pewterschmidt.
Michael Eisner: No, wait. Let's take the jetpacks!
Bill Gates: Cool!
Michael Eisner: Man! The people look like ants from up here.
Bill Gates: They are ants, Michael. They are ants.
Tricia Takanawa: This is Tricia Takanawa reporting live, where police have discovered the whereabouts of Seabreeze, the heiress to the Pewterschmidt fortune. The dognapper has been traced to this sleazy motel. Ah, I see my colleague Tom Tucker is already on the scene.
Prostitute: Who's that, baby?
Tom Tucker: Hello, this is Tom Tucker's...evil twin, Todd Tucker out to destroy his brother's reputation. [fake evil laugh] I'm going back inside to have freaky sex with my prostitute with whom I still have 45 minutes. Now, back to this breaking news.
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Lois: Brian, please, eat something.
Brian: Why bother? My face is plastered all over the news. Your father won't let me see the dog who's carrying my puppies. And my best friend is going to incredible lengths to ignore me.
Lois: Brian, don't let him get to you. Peter, come out of that thing!
Brian: He can't hear you, Lois. Besides, it's not him that's getting to me, it's your father.
Lois: I'm sorry. I talked to him, but he wouldn't budge. He can be so stubborn. I don't know how my mother puts up with it. He did promise to take good care of the puppies though.
Brian: Well, you know, they're not his to take care of. They're my kids! And I'm gonna get them back. My father wasn't there for me, but dammit I'm gonna be there for my kids! I'm gonna sue your dad for custody!
[Solemn instrumental music]
Lois: Daddy, please, stop this. Brian has every right to see his puppies when they're born.
Carter: Sorry, pumpkin.
Lois: I had no idea you could be so cruel. I'll never forgive you for this!
Carter: Oh, you'll be fine. You're just having your period.
Judge: This court will now come to order.
Lawyer: Brian, do you like children?
Brian: I love children. That's why I'm here. I want the opportunity to raise my puppies.
Lawyer: Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's in December of 1996?
Brian: Yeah, I guess.
Baby [Baby screaming]
Brian: [screaming back] You like that? You like that? [Screaming] You just tune this out, don't you? Well, tune this out! [Screaming]
[Both scream]
Brian: Shut up! <back in court> Look, I was angry because my Moon Over Mi-hammy was overcooked...
Lawyer: I also have your rental records from the Quahog Video Store. Can you read the last two titles, please?
Brian: Son-In-Law and Bio-dome.
Lawyer: And who's the star of those films?
Brian: Pauly Shore.
Lawyer: Pauly Shore!
Man: He's terrible!
Brian: But I rented those for Peter. He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies.
[Mysterious music on TV]
Charles Foster Kane: Rosebud.
[Dramatic music on TV]
Peter: It's his sled. It was his sled from when he was a kid. There. I just saved you two long, boobless hours.
Lawyer: How convenient! Blame it on someone else. Is that the kind of man we want raising these puppies?
Brian: Peter? You got to believe me, Your Honor.
Carter: Uh, Peter, I'm putting together another card game. You in?
Peter: You want me to play?
Carter: Absolutely. But first I want you to testify against that horny mutt of yours.
Peter: I don't know if I can do that.
Carter: Ooh, that's too bad. Because Bill and Michael really want to see you again. They're coming over later, and Bill's going to bring his Stretch Armstrong.
Peter: Oh, man! And his arms stretch out to next week!
Carter: Your Honor, Peter Griffin would like to take the stand.
Lawyer: Mr. Griffin, which of the following two phrases best describes Brian Griffin? "Problem drinker" or "African-American haberdasher"?
Peter: I guess "problem drinker." But that's...
Lawyer: Thank you. "Sexual deviant" or "magic picture that you stare at till you see something"?
Peter: "Sexual deviant," but that other one's...
Lawyer: Thank you. Isn't it true that you told my client, Carter Pewterschmidt, that Brian is a menace to society and should never be allowed to see his children?
[All gasping]
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Peter: Brian should be allowed to see his puppies!
Carter: Peter, think about what you're doing.
Peter: I am. Your Honor, Brian'll be a great dad. Hell, if I was half the parent Brian is, I'd know that Chris's favorite ice cream is...
Brian: Chocolate-chip.
Peter: And Stewie's favorite bedtime story is...
Brian: Goodnight, Moon.
Peter: And Meg's real father's name is...
Brian: Stan Thompson.
Meg: [Pop music on headphones]
Judge: I've heard enough. I do believe that Brian would be a successful parent. However, if he was to repeat his actions at the dog track he would be setting a bad example for his puppies. Therefore, I grant Brian custody with the condition that he be neutered first.
Peter: Yeah! You did it, buddy! Congratulations! Oh, man! What does "neutered" mean?
Brian: You're almost there, Seabreeze. Oh, and, also, I didn't bring this up before, but promise me you won't eat any of them.
Carter: You know, Brian, it occurs to me that this is like a Greek tragedy where a man must choose between himself and his children. Of course, you'll be playing the role of "Sans Testaclese."
Veternarian: We're ready for you, down the hall.
Peter: Are you sure you want to go through with this, Brian? Because you could have puppies with another dog. Oh, maybe with a condor! Then you'd have flying puppies. Would you like that, Brian? Flying puppies?
Brian: No, Peter. Those puppies in there are mine. And I'll give anything to be with them. Anything.
Peter: I am not looking forward to what you'll be like once they do this to you.
Brian: I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good!
Veternarian: Are you ready, Brian?
Brian: I guess so.
Lois: Stop! Brian, come quick!
Brian: Oh, my God! Those aren't my puppies!
Peter: Well, then whose are they?
[All barking]
Carter: You! You're a whore! A filthy, filthy whore!
Lois: You must be so relieved.
Brian: Well, actually, I was kind of looking forward to being a dad.
Peter: Don't worry. There'll be other chances.
Peter: You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs laid eggs. And I learned something today.
[closing theme music]