To Love and Die in Dixie

Theme Song
Barbara: Hi, Chris.
Chris: [Hyperventilating] Hi, Barbara.
Barbara: I'm having a birthday party next week. I was hoping you could come.
Chris: Oh, no! Someone peed in my pants!
Barbara: You're funny. Well, I hope you can make it.
[Crickets chirping]
Lois: Your friend's birthday party sounds like fun, Chris.
Peter: Yeah, but, I hope for your sake, the cake's better than the last party I went to.
Stripper: [Screaming]
Peter: Oh, God! Coconut!
Chris: I want to get Barbara a really nice gift. What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you, Meg?
Meg: Oh, well...my boyfriend, Prince William, got me this beautiful watch and this diamond tiara, and this wonderful scepter. [Manic laughter] [Sobbing]
Stewie: She needs to get laid big-time.
Peter: Listen, Chris, I read a book saying that women are from Venus, all right? So, here's what you get her. Thick layers of sulfuric acid, viscous surface rock and coronae which seem to be collapsed domes over large magma chambers. Here's $5.
Chris: Well, that's okay, Dad. I was thinking about getting a paper route, so I could pay for Barbara's gift myself.
Lois: Oh, well, I think that's very sweet, honey.
Peter: Oh, boy! I remember my first job. I was in a folk-music trio. [flashback] Hey, how about "Here's to you, Mrs. Fleckenstein"?
Paul Simon: You've been pitching that for an hour, but it's just not a very attractive name.
Peter: Fine, fine. I suppose we're also not going with "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Lowrey's Seasoning Salt." That's it. I'm going to 'Nam.
Herbert: Well, hey there, young fella. Bringing me good news today?
Chris: What?
Herbert: Come on over here, son. Hand me the paper, so I don't need to use my grabber. That's a nice muscly throwing arm you got there.
Chris: Thanks.
Herbert: Got a nice tip for you right here in my pocket. But my arthritis.... Why don't you reach in there and fish it out for yourself?
Chris: Oh, that's okay, mister. I don't collect until the end of the month. I'll see you tomorrow. Weird.
[Pop music playing]
Chris: I hope you like it.
Barbara: Wow, perfume! That is so sweet.
Chris: It'll make you smell like Elizabeth Taylor. I guess that means you'll smell like bourbon and Vicodin.
Barbara: That's very thoughtful.
Chris: Can I spray some on you?
Barbara: Oh, my eyes!
Chris: You're beautiful!
Barbara: Just get away from me, Chris!
Chris: I'm so awkward!
Herbert: Hey, muscly arm, why the long face?
Chris: It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or something.
Herbert: Who needs them? You like Popsicles?
Chris: Well, sure.
Herbert: Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles. Mmmm....
Chris: No, thanks. I gotta get going.
Herbert: Don't make me beg, now.
Chris: You're funny. Bye.
Herbert: Get your fat ass back here.
Robber: This is a holdup! Open the register!
Clerk: I can't! It only opens when you make a sale!
Robber: Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooh!
Clerk: Weird!
[Suspenseful instrumental music] [Sirens wailing]
Robber: All right, a bike! I'm out of here!
Cop: Now, son, your parents are on their way. But since time is a factor here, we'd like to get a positive ID as quickly as possible.
Chris: Are you sure he can't see me?
Cop: Absolutely, Chris. You're 100 percent safe.
Chris: Okay, that's him. Number six.
Peter: Hi. Excuse me, you guys. I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin. He's here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. Maybe you've seen him. His name is Chris Griffin. I think I got a picture of him, somewhere. Here you go. Yeah, you can go ahead and hang on to that. I got a ton of them at home. In fact, I was gonna throw that one out anyway, 'cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears all over the back of it.
Lois: Oh! We're so proud of you, Chris, for helping to put that horrible man in jail.
Peter: Jeez, you couldn't have said it was Celine Dion, huh? Our one chance to put that showboating Canadian wench behind bars and you blow it.
Announcer: We now return to the E! True Hollywood Story. Alf.
Alf: By the third season, I was completely wasted all the time. I had lost all control of my bodily functions. They had to cut the crap out of my fur before each taping. But would I do it all again?
Tom Tucker: We interrupt this program for a breaking news story. We now go live to the Rhode Island State Penitentiary, where Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa is standing by. Tricia?
Tricia Takanawa: Tom, I'm outside this maximum-security facility where a ruthless thug has engineered a daring escape. Sir, do you have any plans now that you're out of jail?
Robber: Yeah. I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend, and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin!
Stewie: Good lord! Can they really say "bang my girlfriend" on TV?
Lois: You want to remove us from the area?
FBI Agent 1: Yes, ma'am. This criminal will stop at nothing to find your son, so we're placing your family in the witness protection program.
Stewie: Oh, Is Europe an option? I say, I've always wanted to spend a year in Prague teaching English. You know, slacking off a bit, but really getting to know myself.
FBI Agent 1: Well, until we catch this guy, you'll be relocated to the deep South.
[All moaning]
Peter: Deep South? Isn't that where the black guys are really lazy and all the white guys are just as lazy but are mad at the black guys for being so lazy?
FBI Agent 1: Jenkins and I have been assigned to live here and watch your house while you're gone. Even though he's a slovenly liberal, and I'm a fastidious conservative.
FBI Agent 2: I smell a sitcom!
FBI Agent: I suggest you start packing immediately.
Meg: I can't believe I have to change schools because of you! This is all your fault, Lardo!
Peter: Me? I had nothing to do with it.
Meg: No. I meant Chris!
Peter: Oh. Yeah, Lardo!
Lois: Look, everybody. Here we are. The town of Bumblescum.
[Instrumental Dixie music]
Meg: This is our house?
Lois: Oh, come on, Meg! I bet if we fixed it up a little bit, it could be a piece of crap.
[Flies buzzing]
Lois: Oh, what's that smell?
Brian: It's either bad meat or good cheese.
Peter: There's a penny underneath that couch.
Meg: Somebody's in the closet!
Jeff Foxworthy: You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it!
Stewie: You suck!
Lois: Oh, my! Well, it's too hot to cook anyway. Peter, what's the upstairs like?
Peter: There's a crunchberry underneath the fridge.
Meg: Mom, Chris found a jar in the basement! And it has a hand in it!
Chris: I'm gonna plant it and see if a human grows!
Peter: Well, at least the TV gets decent reception. Must be some kind of nature show. Help! Help! Get it off! Get if off!
Meg: Great. We're here five minutes, and Dad gets mauled by a rodent.
Brian: This place is horrible.
Lois: Okay. Now, everybody calm down. We don't know anything about this community. I bet if we explore the town, we'll each find something about it we like.
Peter: You know, that's a great idea, Lois. I just got to hit the can.
Lois: I think there's just an outhouse, Peter.
Peter: Hey, Lois, I don't get how this works. It's just a hole. I don't think it goes anywhere. No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere. Oh! Oh, God! Oh, it's everywhere! It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!
Lois: Excuse me. Do you have an ATM?
Redneck: Over there, ma'am.
Redneck Banker: How much you want to take out?
Lois: $40.
Redneck Banker: There's a service charge of $1.50. Do y'all accept?
Lois: Yes.
Redneck Banker: Mmm. You smell like the inside of my mama's purse.
Lois: Thank you.
Musician: [Playing banjo music]
Stewie: What are those dulcet tones? Why, this is the music of the angels! What is that magical device?
Musician: Banjo. Pluck that string.
Stewie: Oh! I feel so deliciously white trash! Mommy, I want a mullet!
Peter: All right, that about does it. Isn't she beautiful, Brian?
Brian: The Duke boys would be proud, Peter.
Peter: Yeah, and you got to get in through the window, like this. Okay. Now you. Oh, sorry. I forgot to roll yours down. You all right? Hello? Wake up, sleepyhead.
Chris: Hi.
Sam: Hi.
Chris: Are you mad at that pond?
Sam: Shoot, no! 'Course, this pond did kill my grandpappy. He saw his reflection in the water, thought it was him and drowned trying to save himself.
Chris: That's why my mom doesn't let me look in the toilet.
Sam: I'm Sam.
Chris: I'm Chris.
Sam's Father: Sam, come on in, now.
Sam: Well, I gotta go help my daddy bring in the mud harvest. Nice making your acquaintance, Chris.
Chris: Oh, my God! I'm drowning!
Radio: And that was Merle Haggard with "I Kissed My Sweetie With My Fist." Coming up next...
Peter: All right. Here's one. Let's jump that. [Yelling triumphantly] Oh, that was great! Hey, next time let's get Meg to be Boss Hogg and Chris can be Anus.
Brian: Enos.
Peter: What'd I say?
Brian: "Anus."
Teacher All right, class. We have a new student joining us. Everyone please welcome Megan Griffin from the North.
All: Wow!
Student 1: What's it like up there? Y'all got them talking pictures?
Student 2: And flying machines?
Student 3: And perfume for your armpits?
Meg: We sure do.
Teacher: All right, class. That's enough questions for Megan. Time to hand back last week's spelling tests. And it looks like Oinky has set the curve again.
Student 1: Oh, dang!
Student 2: That is some smart pig.
Student 3: Good thing I copied off Oinky.
Lois: Ta da! Possum Surprise. Actually, I made it with Shake 'N Bake.
Stewie: And I helped!
Lois: Kids, where's your father?
[Peter and Brian yelling triumphantly]
Lois: Peter, what the hell are you doing?
Peter: I'm blending in. Relax, Lois. It's not our house.
Lois: I'm glad you're having fun, but we need some money. Have you thought about looking for a job?
Peter: Yes, Lois, I have. But I've also thought about getting fired from that job. Is that something you really want to put our family through? Think about that while I get myself a drink. Oh, God!
Sam: It's right up here past this clearing. He's been here about three months now.
Chris: Wow! Where do you think you go when you die?
Sam: I learnt at church that if you're good, you go to Heaven. But if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death, but death won't come.
Chris: UPN?
Sam: You're funny. I like you, Chris.
Chris: I like you too, Sam.
Sam: Want to poke him?
Chris: Do I! You know, it's true. The best things in life really are free.
Peter: I don't know, Brian. Maybe Lois is right. Maybe it is time for me to get a job.
Brian: Yeah, too bad you always blow it in the interview.
Employer So, Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter: [Thinking] Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." [aloud] Doing your...son? Hey, Brian, look at that!
Sheriff: Interested? We just take turns being the sheriff. It's real easy. You just hang out here, eat some pie, and get drunk.
Peter: Wait. Hold on a second. "Pie," "drunk," "the"? You got yourself a sheriff!
[as sheriff]
Peter: [Slurring] Boy, it's so quiet around here!
Brian: I know.
Peter: The phone hasn't rang all day.
Brian: I-I know. There's nothing to...[Stuttering] [Sighing] Oh, boy! What's the word I'm looking for? "Do"!
Peter: Oh, Brian, you're drunk. You're drunk. Give me your keys.
Chris: What is this, Dad?
Peter: A Southern tradition, son. It's a reenactment of the Civil War.
Redneck: Robert E. Lee, I knew I'd find you here where they seat the sorry-ass losers!
Sam's Father: Ulysses S. Grant, you invite me to lunch then show up an hour late, drunk?
Redneck: I was busy looking for your wife to give her the old...
Sam's Father: Sir, this means war!
Redneck: I am vanquished.
Sam's Father: I hereby declare victory in the name of the Confederacy!
[Crowd cheering]
Peter: Uh, excuse me. I don't think that's how it happened. I'm pretty sure the North won.
Sam's Father: What are you saying, fella?
Peter: I'm saying that drunken idiot kicked your sorry asses south of the Donna Dixon line!
Sam's Father: We don't take too kindly to that sort of talk, mister. And I sure as shoot don't want your kid hanging around with my kid. And if you think I'm mad now, you got to answer to them Civil War survivors!
Old Redneck: Yeah. That's right.
Brian: Wait! Look over there! It's a newly-married, interracial gay couple burning the American flag!
[All gasping]
Old Redneck: Get 'em!
[Crowd shouting]
Chris: I guess we can't hang out anymore.
Sam: I guess not.
Chris: That sucks! 'Cause I really like spending time with you.
Sam: Me, too.
Chris: [Muffled protests] What are you doing?
[Instrumental Dixie music]
Waylon Jennings: Them Griffin boys better grow some wings or start flapping their arms.
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Old Redneck 1: Lost 'em!
Old Redneck 2: Dag-blasted Lincoln lovers!
Old Redneck 3: Anyone seen my foot?
Chris: [writing in diary] "Man, was last night weird! I kissed a boy. But the truth is, I really like him as a friend. His name is Sam."
Brian: You kissed Sam last night?
Chris: How did you know?
Brian: Well, you're saying it out loud. I could hear you in the other room.
Chris: The weird thing is, kissing Sam kind of felt right. But I don't know if I can face him again. Brian, what should I do? I haven't been this confused since the end of "No Way Out"! [at movies] How does Kevin Costner keep getting work?
FBI Agent 2: How do I shoot? How do I shoot?
FBI Agent 1: Press B! B button!
[Knocking]
Robber: Telegram for Chris Griffin.
FBI Agent 1: Oh, he's not here.
Robber: Where is he?
FBI Agent 1: I can't release that information.
Robber: Oh, did I say Chris? I meant Chris's sister.
FBI Agent 1: Oh, if it's for Meg, that's a whole other story. Here's her address. What are you doing?
FBI Agent 2: You were busy, so I played your guy.
FBI Agent 1: Fine, I didn't want to play anyway!
FBI Agent 2: Well, then it worked out for everybody!
FBI Agent 1: I'll draw boobs on the Etch-A-Sketch!
FBI Agent 2: Go ahead, they always come out square!
Sam: Oh, hi, Chris.
Chris: Hey. Listen, Sam. I like hanging out with you and all. It's just that I don't want a romantic relationship. But I'd like it if we could still be friends.
Sam: I'd like that, too. Want to go for a swim?
Chris: Sure. You're a girl?
Sam: Of course I am!
Chris: Oh, my God!
Stewie: [tuning banjo] Warm out today. Warm yesterday. Even warmer today.
[Lively Dixie music]
Stewie: ? Met her on my CB, said her name was Venie ? ? Sounded like an angel come to Earth ?
Southerners: ? Come to Earth ?
Stewie: ? When I went to meet her ? ? Man you should've seen her ? ? Twice as tall as me, three times the girth ?
Southerners: ? Girth ?
Stewie: ? Oh, my fat baby loves to eat ?
'Southerners: ? Loves to eat ?
Stewie: ? A big ol' Buddha belly and her breasts swing past her feet ?
Southerners: ? Feet ?
Stewie: ? My fat baby loves to ?
All: ? Eat ?
Stewie: ? My big ol' fat-ass baby loves to eat ?
Stewie: I'VE GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!
Peter: A drop more of the shine, my dear?
Lois: Yes, please.
Peter: You know, the kids are gonna be at that town social for a while.
Lois: I think I know where you're going.
[Both laughing]
Peter: Ah, ah, ah! Oh, God!
[Phone rings]
Lois: Hello?
FBI Agent 1: Hello, Mrs. Griffin? Yeah. Sh. Shut up. You guys, shut up. Yeah, hi, this is the FBI calling from your house.
Peter: Oh, God!
Lois: Oh, hi. How is everything?
FBI Agent 1: Good, good. Real good. Real good. Listen, promise you won't be mad and it's probably nothing, but you know that criminal who's after your son? Yeah, he might know where you guys are.
Lois: What? Peter, that criminal is on his way here to kill Chris!
Lois: We gotta call the sheriff!
Peter: Holy crap! I'm on it, Lois! "Sheriff's Office." Yes, hello. This is Peter Griffin. I'd like to report a dangerous criminal who may be coming to town. "I'm sorry, could you repeat your name?" It's Peter Griffin. G-R-l-F-F-l-N.
Lois: Wait a minute. You're the sheriff?
Peter: Hang on one sec, honey. I'm on the phone. "Who's that?" My wife.
Lois: Chris is in danger! Do something! Round up a posse!
Peter: Yeah, well, see, I kind of pissed off the whole town at that Civil War reenactment.
Lois: What are we gonna do?
Peter: I don't know, Lois. But I feel lower than a bow-legged caterpillar.
Buck Owen: [Chuckling] Now, here's Roy!
[Lively country music playing]
Redneck 1: Sure is a ding-dang of a hoedown.
Redneck 2: Uh-uh. This here's a hootenanny.
Redneck 1: Hoedown!
Redneck 2: Hootenanny!
Redneck 1: Hoedown!
Redneck 2: Hootenanny!
Redneck 1: Hoedown!
Redneck 2: Hootenanny!
Stewie: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Oh, and to the owner of a John Deere tractor, you're parked on top of a pig. John Deere tractor on top of a pig.
Chris: Sam, can I talk to you?
Sam: Sure. But why aren't you looking at me?
Chris: Well, that's the thing. I'm no good at talking to girls. That's why I ran away from you.
Sam: well, you didn't have trouble talking to me when you thought I was a boy.
Chris: Yeah, that's true.
Sam: Just pretend I'm a boy.
Chris: Okay.
Sam: You want to go down to the old town bridge and make out?
Chris: Yes, sir!
Meg: And in the city, glasses are considered really sexy.
Boy: Dang! I hope her brother don't already have dibs on her.
Brian: Where's Chris? That criminal's here and he's after him.
Meg: He's down by the old town bridge. You know, my brother is the one he's here to kill!
Girl: My daughter would absolutely love you.
[Sweet instrumental music]
Sam: You're so cute. You're like a skinny Garth Brooks.
Robber: I got you now, Griffin!
Chris: [Exclaiming]
Peter: Not so fast, buddy!
Robber: Who are you?
Peter: Oh, you can call me Officer T.J. Hooker! Sheriff Officer T.J. Hooker! And this is my deputy, McMillan and Wife.
Robber: Well, I hated T.J. Hooker! And I never actually saw McMillan and Wife! Although I was aware of it! Anyway, you're dead!
Robber: You're mine now, fella!
Chris: [Screaming] Dad! Help! Help! Dad!
Sam's Father: You folks all right?
Peter: Wow! You guys saved our lives. After I said that all Southern people have bad teeth and suffer from the gum disease known as gingivitis.
Sam's Father: Well, we take care of our own. And as long as y'all live here, y'all are Southerners, too.
Peter: Wow, thanks!
Sam's Father: It's our pleasure. Sam, I'll see you at home.
Peter: I think the lesson here is it doesn't matter where you're from, as long as we're all the same religion.
Teacher: It was great having you in class, Meg.
Meg: Thanks. I'm really gonna miss everybody.
Student 1: We didn't have no money for a present. So, we all just spit in a jar.
Sam: I can't believe you're leaving.
Chris: Me, either. I'll be sure to write.
Sam: And I'll be sure to learn to read.
Chris: And the next time I see a dead guy I'm gonna poke him twice as hard for both of us.
[Sentimental instrumental country music]
Lois: It's so nice to be home.
Answering Machine: You have 113 new messages.
Lois: Oh, my!
Herbert: Uh, yeah, I was just wondering where the newspaper boy was.
[Machine beeps]
Herbert: Haven't seen a newspaper in a couple days. Wonderin' if he ever gonna come back.
[Machine beeps]
Herbert: Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just Ionely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news.
[Machine beeps]
Herbert: Where are you?
[Machine beeps]
Herbert: You're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.
[closing theme music]