Emission Impossible

Theme Song
Stewie: Oh, let's see. We got soda, purple stuff. Oh, Sunny D! All right!
Announcer: We now return to The Smurfs.
Smurf 1: You have a good time last night?
Smurf 2: Smurftacular.
Smurf 1: Yeah, I saw you leave with Smurfette.
Smurf 2: Oh man, as soon as we got out of the bar, she started smurfing me.
Smurf 1: Shut the smurf up!
Smurf 2: Yeah!
Smurf 1: Right in the smurfin' parking lot?
Smurf 2: Smurf yeah!
Smurf 1: Oh, that is freakin' smurf.
Smurf 2: You smurf it.
Smurf 1: That is freakin' smurf.
Smurf 2: Yeah.
[Phone rings]
Lois: Hello? Oh, my God! Peter, why are you staring into the dryer?
Peter: I'm watching the latest episode of Laundry Theater. See? Now, those are Chris' socks, right? They don't know that Stewie's shirt is having an affair with Meg's trousers. Ooh, it's fun to watch rich people be naughty!
Lois: Peter, listen to me. My sister just called. Her baby's due any day now and Ted just walked out on her.
Peter: Whoa, whoa. Back it up, back it up. You have a sister?
Lois: I promised her I'd be on the next train. Poor Carol. All alone in that big house.
Peter: Wait a minute. Carol. Carol. Is she the one with the Jacuzzi and the pool table?
Lois: Yeah.
Peter: Better come with you.
Lois: Really? Well, that's a surprise.
Peter: Oh, come on, Lois. When have I not been there for you?
Carjacker 1: Get out of the damn car, now!
Carjacker 2: Scream and you're dead!
Peter: Thanks for the ride, lady!
[Doorbell ringing]
Quagmire: Hey, it's the Griffins! What can I do for you?
Lois: Glen, we have a family emergency. We need you to take the kids for just a couple days.
Quagmire: Well, in accordance with Megan's law, I'm obligated to inform you that...you know what, that's fine. I'll take the kids.
Peter: Aw, thanks, buddy.
Quagmire: Gosh! I've never had to entertain kids before. So a chick walks into a gynecologist's office...[Makes ridiculous noises] [Makes baby noises]
Lois: Don't worry. We'll get you through this. In a few days you'll have a beautiful baby. And you can smother it with all your unrequited love.
Carol: As soon as the baby can crawl, it'll probably leave me, too just like my eight husbands.
Peter: Hey, Carol. It's me, Ted. Listen, I came back because I love you. I'm just kidding. It's me, Peter.
Carol: It was so nice of you to come, Peter. You're so considerate.
Peter: It was nothing.
[Crash] [Furniture being dragged]
Chris: Mr. Quagmire! I finished the scavenger hunt!
Quagmire: Whoa, whoa, hold your horses, hold your horses. Let's go down the list. An unsharpened pencil?
Chris: Check!
Quagmire: A speed-limit sign that doesn't end in 5 or 0?
Chris: Check!
Quagmire: Your mom's hairbrush?
Chris: Check!
Quagmire: You win!
Chris: Boy! What's my prize?
Quagmire: A pencil and a speed sign!
Chris: I did it!
Quagmire: I'll be right back. A couple of teeth and toenail clippings and we'll be ready for our date!
Peter: Hey, Carol? Since Ted dumped you, can I have his shirts?
Lois: Peter, what are you gonna do with Ted's shirts? He's half your size.
Peter: I know, I know, I know. But check this out. Hey, Carol. Say, "David Banner, I just slashed your tires."
Carol: "David Banner, I just slashed your tires."
Peter: [Angry screaming] I'm priceless.
Lois: Peter, sit with Carol. I'm gonna use the ladies' room.
Carol: Does she still take the newspaper in there?
Peter: Yeah. And after she does, I just can't read it.
Carol: [Screaming] Oh! Oh, God! The baby's gonna be here any minute! We had better get moving!
Peter: Carol, you got to relax. You let that kid start calling the shots now and you're screwed.
Chris: Is Mr. Quagmire babysitting all these people, too?
Quagmire: Hey, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put "U" and "l" together. You must be a parking ticket because you got "fine" written all over you. Hey there. I don't want to come between you. Or do I? Oh, that's awful. That's awful.
Stewie: This is a song I've been singing for a number of years. I find it grows truer and truer as time goes by. [plays "Hungry Eyes" by Eric Carmen] ? Hungry eyes ? ? I feel the magic between you and I ? Ooh, I'm hungry for you, baby. Come on. Walk with me. Talk with me. [Smacks woman's butt]
[Honking]
Carol: [Panting]
Lois: Don't worry, Carol. We're almost there. Peter, why are we stopped?
Peter: Um, yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers.
Lois: For God's sake! She's having a baby!
Peter: That's right. And a kid's meal. And I guess I'll have fries. If I have fries, is anybody else gonna have any? Because I don't want to be the only one eating them; I'll feel like a fatty.
Lois: Nurse! This woman is in labor!
Mayor West: Excuse me. I was here first. My leg is asleep.
Doctor: All right, let's see what we have here. Oh, the baby's crowning.
Carol: [Yelling]
Doctor: I'm just going to put on a pair of gloves and we'll deliver this baby. These don't feel like gloves at all. They feel like used needles. But this is where I always keep the gloves. Maybe if I dig deeper. Nope. Just feels like more needles. That's the craziest thing. Oh, now I'm sure this isn't the glove drawer.
Carol: My God! Who's gonna deliver my baby?
Lois: Honey, do something!
Peter: No baby. But it looks like Carol's blowing a bubble.
Lois: Peter, that's the head! Push! Push!
Peter: I am! It won't go back in!
Lois: Not you, Peter! Carol, push! Peter, you pull!
Peter: Oh, my God!
Lois: What? What?
Peter: It's a beautiful baby girl.
Carol: A baby girl. I'm so happy.
Peter: But she has a penis. Well, we'll have to do something about that.
Lois: Peter, no! It's a boy!
Peter: Well, how do you like that? Hey there, little fella. Welcome to the planet Earth. Kitchy kitchy kitchy koo. [Baby passes gas] He takes after his Uncle Peter.
Lois: Peter, he's Carol's baby. Give him to her.
Peter: Oh, yeah.
Lois: Honey, you were fantastic. And you were so cute when you were holding it.
Peter: I know. I didn't want to give it up.
Lois: Yeah?
Peter: Let's steal it.
Lois: What?
Peter: No, wait. I got a better idea. Lois, let's have another baby.
Lois: What? Sweetie, you're not serious?
Peter: I sure am. The best thing I've ever done with my life is being a dad.
Lois: Oh, Peter. I think it's a wonderful idea.
Doctor: Why haven't you sent for help?
Meg: I can't believe you guys want to have another kid!
Lois: Peter, did you find Chris and Meg's baby books?
Peter: Not yet. Hey, look at this, Lois. It's our pet rock. I remember the first day we brought it home. [flashback] See that? Bad rock. Bad. We do that outside! Look at him. He knows what he did.
Chris: I found my baby book! Here's the broken condom that led to my birth.
Lois: And the resulting lawsuit bought us this house. You're my favorite mistake.
Chris: You see, Meg? I'm the favorite!
Stewie: Ah, baby books. Nostalgic for the days of chafed nipples and episiotomies?
Lois: Somebody hasn't heard the news.
Stewie: News? What news?
Lois: What's the most wonderful thing that could happen to this family?
[Stewie fantasy-family sitting around living room with Lois as a stuffed rug on the floor]
Stewie: The Phillies won.
Peter: You're gonna have a baby brother, buddy.
Lois: Or sister.
Stewie: A new baby. That's wonderful. Call me when Kojak starts. What?
[Rupert as psychiatrist; Stewie on the couch]
Stewie:Another baby? But I'm the baby. Why the deuce would they want to replace me? My cheeks are pinchable. My bottom is smooth. My laugh is heartwarming. [laughs] What's that? I certainly am not overreacting! What the devil do you think happened to Bobby when they added Cousin Oliver to The Brady Bunch?
Mrs. Brady: Oliver, did you break this vase?
Oliver: No. The floor did.
Peter: He's so cute.
Bobby: Hey, everybody. I...
Mr. Brady: Bobby, you get back in the garage!
Stewie: It can't happen! I was here first! well, technically, third but no time for semantics. This is Stewie Country and I intend to keep it that way! As God is my witness, from this day forward Peter and Lois shall not conceive!
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Stewie: What are you doing here?
Brian: Uh, Peter and Lois are, uh, getting intimate.
Stewie: My God! I thought I had more time! I've got to stop them!
Stewie: [Fake crying] Mommy! Daddy! I had a bad dream! I saw the.... Blast! What the devil is that name again? Bogeyman! Yes. That's it. I saw the bogeyman.
Lois: Aw, did someone have a bad dream? Why don't you sleep with Mommy and Daddy? Peter, for God's sakes! Stewie's right here!
Peter: Come on, Lois, we can still do it. He'll just think I'm hurting you.
Lois: Relax, honey. It's only for tonight.
Stewie: Roll over. Roll over, I say! [Muffled yelping] Smells like cheese.
Brian: Okay. "Insert Rod Support A into Slot B."
Peter: That's what...
Brian: And if you say "That's what she said" one more time, I'm gonna pop you.
Joe: What you building there, neighbor?
Peter: Well, we were keeping it a secret, but you guys are my best friends, so I'll tell you. Lois and I are having another baby!
Guys: [Girlish shrieking]
Quagmire: We are so throwing you a shower!
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Stewie: Well, fat man, we'll see if Lois wants to have sexual relations when she finds lipstick on your collar. There we are. Well! Look at you there. You're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yes, you're looking for a bad time. That's what you're after. You're a dirty flirt. You want it bad. You don't care where you get it from. You have no self-respect, and that gets you off, doesn't it?
Lois: Stewie! Bad boy! That's Mommy's makeup! You got it all over your father's favorite shirt. Now, go to your room!
Brian: Wow. The evidence is really piling up.
Stewie: Make any joke you want. You know I look good.
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Stewie: My God! They're at it again! All this time spent keeping people from having sex! Now I know how the Catholic Church feels. Ba-zing! Time to initiate Phase Two.
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Stewie: All right. Testing voice modulator. "Blast you, vile woman!"
Peter robot: Blast you, vile woman!
Stewie: Oh, that won't do. "Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies."
Peter: Hey, ugly.
Stewie: Excellent! [Maniacal laughter]
Peter: Sweet.
Peter: Who's got beer?
Lois: Where'd you go, my little pumpkin eater?
Peter robot: To the can, because kissing you made me barf.
Lois: What?
Chris: Dad, Meg keeps pushing me!
Meg: Oh, like I could! He's so fat!
Chris: I'm not fat! I'm Rubenesque!
Peter robot: That's it. Your dad's had enough. I want you kids to go downstairs and drink the antifreeze in the garage.
Chris: I'm gonna chug it all so there's none left for you!
Meg: Hey, watch it!
Lois: Peter!
Peter: What?
Cleveland: Hey, Peter. I see nothing. Nothing.
Lois: I've had it with these interruptions! All we want is a little time alone! Go to your rooms for the rest of the night.
Chris: I don't want to go to my room. There's an evil monkey in my closet!
Peter: "Evil monkey." Right.
[Sinister instrumental music]
Lois: This romantic dinner was a wonderful idea, Peter.
Peter: Ah, you deserve it, my beautiful princess.
Lois: [laughing] You know, I'm not wearing any panties.
Peter: Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Stewie: Very well then. If I can't stop them from the outside I'll stop them from the inside! Oh, dear! I'm afraid you're in a no-fly zone. As was your fate, Mr. Fly, so is the fate of every sperm in Peter's body!
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Stewie: Computer on.
Computer: 30 minutes to re-expansion.
Stewie: Just enough time to obliterate all those little potential usurpers. Engine status?
Computer: Nominal.
Stewie: Fuel supply?
Computer: Full.
Stewie: Air Supply?
["Lost in Love" by Air Supply plays]
Stewie: Very well. Through the lips, over the gums. Look out testicles, here I come!
Peter: ? Lois ? ? You can't spell love without L-O ? ? You can't spell is without I-S ? ? You can't spell silo without Lois ? And solo from the pet rock! Oh no no no, oh, oh god, oh god.
Computer: Warning. Host's oxygen levels rising. Heart rate increasing.
Stewie: Oh, my God! Either they're watching Batman or they're "doing the Dew"!
[Theme from Batman on TV]
Stewie: If I'm to reach the testicles and destroy the sperm before coitus, I must buy some time.. Computer, location?
Computer: Fifteen millimeters northeast of the duodenum.
Stewie: Very well. Fire phasers!
Peter: Oh, jeez, my duodenum's acting up!
Computer: Entering testicular perimeter.
Stewie: Do you know what today is? A bad day to be a sperm.
[Lasers firing]
Stewie: What the deuce? Well, it seems you are out of ammunition.
Bertram: As are you, Stewart!
Stewie: You know my name!
Bertram: I know many things.
Stewie: Indeed?
Bertram: Quite.
Stewie: Yes.
Bertram: Mmm.
Stewie: well, perhaps we should exchange monosyllabic expressions of arrogance in person.
Bertram: Mmmm.
Stewie: Mmmm.
Bertram: Yes.
[Monosyllabic grunting]
Lois: Peter, I'm waiting.
Peter: I'm coming.
[Latin instrumental music]
Stewie: You came unarmed?
Bertram: As we agreed.
Stewie: Admirable. But foolish! It's going to be a shame to destroy such a worthy adversary.
Bertram: My thoughts exactly.
Stewie: I've got you in the sleeper hold!
Bertram: As I you.
Stewie: Your attempts to escape are futile. Well, well. Naptime appears to be over.
Bertram: Go ahead! Finish me off! My one regret is that I won't be able to do away with that red-headed woman.
Stewie: What the.... How the devil do you know about Lois?
Bertram: You've seen that little gleam in the fat man's eye? That twinkle? That's me plotting my escape.
Stewie: You hate Lois? I hate Lois, too. What else do you hate?
Bertram: People who send pictures of their families as Christmas cards!
Stewie: Ooh, ooh, people who use the word "guesstimate."
Bertram: Guys who wear sandals with socks!
Both: Jason Patric! Ooo!
Stewie: You know, perhaps I've been looking at this the wrong way. I daresay I should embrace the idea of having a little brother. After all, it's obvious we'd make quite a formidable team.
[Whimsical instrumental music]
Computer: [beeping] Two minutes to re-expansion.
Stewie: Dear God! I'll never get out in time!
Bertram: Move aside! I know a shortcut!
Lois: [Moaning]
Peter: [Moaning]
Lois: [Choking]
Computer: Re-expansion in 60 seconds.
Bertram: There's the tear duct. We've got to make him cry.
Stewie: I think I know just the way. All right. Follow my lead.
[Joe Cocker's "Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong" begins playing]
Stewie: ? Love lift us up where we belong ? ? Where the eagles fly, on a mountain high ?
Both: ? Love lift us up where we belong ?
Lois: Peter, I love you.
Peter: And I love you, Lou Gossett, Jr.
Stewie: It worked! Hurry, get down there so you can be born!
Computer: Ten seconds to re-expansion.
Bertram: I guess this is good-bye.
Stewie: For now. Oh, when you're born, don't let the doctor slap you on the ass. It degrades us all.
[honking to "Shave and a Haircut"]
Stewie: Give it to her good, old man!
Lois: Peter, wait. I've been thinking. It's been a long time since we had such a wonderful night. And it's gonna be impossible to spend time together like this if we're raising another child.
Peter: Well, I thought, you know, Brian would kind of do a lot of the work.
Lois: I don't know. I mean, Stewie alone needs so much attention. Maybe we should hold off on having another baby.
Peter: You may be right.
Stewie: No! No, no! You must receive his seed!
Lois: Look who's here.
Peter: But, Lois, we still get to do it, right?
Lois: Honey, not in front of Stewie.
Peter: Okay. Back in a minute.
Stewie: No! Come back here this instant, you fat bastard and do her! Stop it. Stop tickling me. I'll kill you. I swear to God. What did you just do?
Peter: [Sighing]
Stewie: No! You killed my brother! How could you, you...oh, my God! The twinkle. He's alive. Well played, sperm brother. He's more clever than I thought. Perhaps too clever.
[Chilling instrumental music]
[closing theme music]