Lethal Weapons

Theme Song
Joe: Baby! Twelve in a row!
Peter: You must've had a great body before it went all funhouse mirror on you.
Lois: I can't believe how terrific you look.
Bonnie: Thanks. I've been taking tae-jitsu classes. You should come with me sometime.
Lois: I'd love to.
Bonnie: Oh, the baby's kicking. Want to feel?
Peter: Sure. Ow! Oh, You are freakin' dead, kid!
Lois: Peter!
Meg: I love this time of year.
Brian: Me, too. The summer tourists are gone, and we finally have the town to ourselves before those idiots from New York show up to watch the leaves change and take over the whole place.
[Cars honking]
Brian: Leafers!
Peter: Holy crap! We gotta get outta here!
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Bonnie: What about the boat?
Joe: Leave it!
Lois: Hurry, Peter! They're almost here!
Chris: We're too late!
Man: Yo, Matty. Check out those colors. Yellow like a taxi, orange like the ball at the Knicks game and red like the sauce on my Mamma Mia's cu cazz.
Matty: Yeah, and brown like the guys I don't pick up in my cab.
Man: Beautiful!
ALL: Aaahhh!
Diane Simmons: Good evening. Tonight's top story: Quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers."
Tom Tucker: They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage. I think I speak for all of us when I say New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.
[Horns honking]
Lois: We're gonna be late for church.
Peter: Move it! Damn leafers.
Meg: Chris, quit it! Mom, Chris put his foot on my side again!
Chris: I can't help it. I have these long dancer's legs.
Meg: Move it!
Stewie: Meg, stop whining! Chris, stay on your side! Lois, for God's sake, get off your ass and do some parenting!
Lois: If you kids don't knock it off, we're not going to McDonald's after church.
Both: Mom!
Peter: Don't worry, we're going. But you don't get the supersize.
Chris: Oh!
Peter: Okay, you can supersize, but no apple pie.
Meg: Come on!
Peter: Okay, you get an apple pie, but you can't blow on it.
Lois: Peter, don't contradict me in front of the kids!
Peter: Siblings fighting is as natural as a white man's dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.
Black Man: Wassup? Can I get two slices of pepperoni?
White Man: [Incoherent growling]
Lois: Who are all these people?
Peter: Damn New Yorkers! They took all the good seats.
Elderly Woman: Aren't you precious? [Screams]
Stewie: Some of my novelty items were provided by Jack's Joke Shop of South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, "If it ain't funny, it ain't worth jack."
Priest: I'd like to welcome all our out-of-town parishioners. My cousin, Father Sapienza, is in from New York to see the leaves. And I'd like to invite him to do the opening prayer.
Father Sapienza: Yo! God is good, eh? And he expects us to be good. And if you're not, he's gonna come down and bust your freaking skull. Amen.
Man: Who do you think you're talking to? Your God ain't tougher than me!
Man 2: You can't talk to the Father like that, you stupid cafone! I oughta come overthere and break your freakin' arm!
Man: You wanna go, tough guy? I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti from Valero's on 51st Street. Best in the city!
Peter: Fellas, this is God's house, and the Patriots kick off in about 45 minutes. Can we move this along?
Man: Patriots suck!
Peter: Blasphemy!
Man: It burns!
Scientist: Holy water? Where's that acid I ordered?
Stewie: Hey, Guido, watch this. I've got to lay off the coffee! Ha-cha-cha! That's Jack's, Exit 14 off 295.
Trainer: Tae-jitsu is about power for your body and your mind. Don't be afraid to free the beast inside you. Left kick, right kick, punch combo, stomp!
Trainer: Beautiful. Again. Left kick.
Trainer: You're doing great for your first lesson.
Lois: I'm really cutting loose. Just like Julie Andrews in that movie where she showed her breasts.
Boy: Oh, Mary. You'll never leave us, will you? Yes, those are lovely. But it doesn't quite answer our question.
[Crowd cheering on TV]
Man: Jets rule!
Peter: Hey, watch where you're going, will you? Hey, Horace, put the Pats game on the TV, and get me a few beers, huh?
Horace: Sorry, Peter. Someone stole the remotes...and the kegs. And I'm not sure, but I think I've been shot. Yep.
Man: Hey, pal, watch my seat. I gotta bleed the lizard.
Cleveland: Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protesters burned our Porta-Potties. Then I used my stream of justice to put out the hate.
Quagmire: I don't know, fellas, I think there's potential in this crowd. Hey, honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East Side?
Transvestite: Sure.
Quagmire: Whoa, transvestite! Back off! Wait a second. Pre-op or post-op?
Transvestite: Pre-op.
Quagmire: Whoa, transvestite! Back off! You're right. This place blows. We gotta send these straphangers back where they came from.
Peter: Don't worry. I got an idea. An idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.
[outside]
Peter: [Angry growl] I am a man-eating tree. Go back to New York, or I will eat you! Just like I ate insane New York anchorman Dan Rather. And look who I had for dessert. Asexual former mayor Ed Koch. Leave my land, or I will smite you with my powerful limb.
Man: What are you, nuts? Gimme that branch. Get off of me!
Peter: Why you...
Lois: Oh, my God! Stop fighting!
Peter: Holy crap!
Lois: Oh, my God!
Chris: Mom, you could be a world champion, and no one could hit you below the belt because girls don't have anything down there. Can you teach me to kick ass?
Lois: Oh, no. I do not condone violence. And I am not gonna be responsible for bringing fist fighting into our schools.
Brian: Gee, Lois. Can you hear me all the way back there in the '50s?
Stewie: Well, that was lame.
Lois: Poor Peter. I emasculated him in front of all those people. I think he's really upset.
Peter: Gather around, everybody. $10 is all it takes! Step right up and fight my wife! Come one, come all. She floats like a butterfly and stings like when I pee.
Lois: Peter, I am not a sideshow attraction, at least not anymore.
[dwarf Lois in cage at carnival, bouncing on trampoline]
Lois: Me likey bouncy. Me likey bouncy.
[back to present]
Lois: I want you to get rid of all this right now because I am never fighting again. Ever!
Peter: Come on, Chris. We'll have to go to Plan B.
Chris: [growling] Oh, no! Ah! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Help me! Help me, for God's sake! He's gonna kill me! Help!
Peter: Don't worry. It's a trained bear. He's in no real danger.
Lois: He's teaching a class. I can't bother him now.
Peter: Sure you can. Hey! Hey, Ralph Macchio! My wife here needs to talk to you. There you go, honey.
Trainer: What is it, Lois?
Lois: I-I don't think I should do tae-jitsu anymore. I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt someone.
Trainer: But, Lois, you're my star pupil. I want you in my advanced class.
Lois: Advanced class? No, no, no, no. I'm trying to quit.
Trainer: Fine, quit. But get used to people walking all over you.
Peter: Wait, hold on there. Nobody walks all over my wife, because I won't let them.
Lois: Peter...
Peter: Quiet, Lois. Men are talking. She learns things eventually, it just takes her longer. Come on, honey, we're outta here. If you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on.
Lois: I'll do it.
[Inspiring instrumental music]
Lucy: [Sobbing]
Lois: Stewie, you want to swing?
Stewie: Yes. Why not? I'll have a go at it. Perhaps a quick stretch first. Damn! Must've pulled something playing hoops last week.
Stewie: I know you're not putting that rock up from here. You ain't got no J.
Player: Yo, man! That's trippin'!
Stewie: Brother, please! You're the one who's trippin'! Go on, cry home to your mama! She waitin' for ya.
Player: Now don't make me put my size 13s up your narrow ass!
Stewie: I don't sweat you! You bring it on, bitch! Now, how you gonna act? Bring that trash in here! This is my house!
Lois: Excuse me. We were about to use that.
Woman: You snooze, you lose, lady.
Lois: You have two choices. Either my baby swings from this jungle gym, or you do.
Stewie: Whoo, Lois! Someone's wearing their ovaries on the outside!
Lois: She saw me walking to the swing!
Stewie: Yes, she saw you. Easy now.
Lois: Nobody walks all over me! Those days are over! Lois demands respect!
Stewie: [Screams] I smell a messy diaper. God! Why does that turn me on?
Chris: Hold it, Meg. Those two are mine.
Meg: What?
Chris: That's Randy and that's Fred. Randy is the messy one. Fred's very neat. When you get them together, hoo-hoo, hold onto your sides.
Meg: Nice to meet you both.
Chris: Murderer!
Lois: Stop it, both of you! Starting now, you two are gonna love each other! Now stay that way.
Chris: It's gonna be weird to potty.
Peter: Sheesh, Lois, look at the garbage those damn leafers dumped on our lawn. New York Post, New York Magazine, the New York Mets.
Lois: Peter, I'm sick and tired of hearing you whine about the leafers! Take some action! Free the beast!
Quagmire: That was strangely arousing. [shouts] [Grunts] Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah. It's in a window this time.
Brian: Wow, look at them run.
Peter: Wait a second, Brian. That gives me an idea.
Lois: The Drunken Clam? Why couldn't we go someplace fancy like The Olive Garden? Oh, the breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks! Me likey- <to self> You're a big girl now. Stop it!
Peter: Hold on, Lois. Excuse me, New Yorker. I think you're in my seat, and I had sex with your mother last night.
Lois: Peter, are you crazy?
Man: What did you say?
Peter: About the seat, or about my plowing your father's wife?
Lois: What the hell are you doing?
Peter: Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually.
Man: What?
Lois: You wanna dance?
Peter: Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Krypton sucks! That's right. Go back where you came from, you bastards.
Trainer: We'll conclude today's graduation ceremony with a demonstration by the black belts. Okay, people, let's show them what we've learned. Kathy, get in there with Lois.
Kathy: I can't. I have cramps.
Lois: Why are you putting me up against the scrubs, Jared? Why don't you be a man and fight me yourself?
Trainer: Lois, the sensei is a sacred position. I could never violate the spiritual bond of the student-master relationship.
Lois: Oh. Then allow me.
Trainer: The bond is broken!
Lois: Then spin the wheel, Raggedy Man!
Stewie: Go, Lois! Pummel him with your powerful fists of female fury! And then when he's weary, emasculate him with your incessant nagging! Women! Yakety, yak, yak, yak. You know. Enjoy the fight.
[Martial arts fight music]
Lois: [Cry of victory]
Peter: Lois, that was amazing! Congratul-
Lois: This is mine! This is where my babies come from!
Announcer: And now back to the Movie of the Week: Speed 3 - Glacier of Doom.
Man: If this glacier goes slower than one mile a year, we're all dead!
Woman: Tell me something I don't know! Get out of the way!
Peter: Lois, I was watching that. What you looking at?
Lois: The underpants, lose 'em!
Peter: Actually, I sort of have a headache, kinda. See, maybe tomorrow, or...
Lois: Take 'em off!
Peter: Yeah. Okay, honey.
Stewie: Whoa! What the hell are you doing? Those are my graham crackers!
Peter: Run along, Stewie. Daddy had a rough night.
Stewie: Why you tottering, femme-sucked dewberry. I'm going to go find something to strike you with. Excuse me.
Brian: Good morning. Peter, you look terrible. What happened?
Peter: Last night, Lois was the man!
Brian: Good Lord!
Peter: I just want you to know, Brian-I didn't cry.
Brian: It's okay.
Lois: Oh, no! Peter! Stewie, what did you do?
Brian: Looks like he freed the beast all over the back of Peter's head.
Lois: Oh, my God. This is my fault. This is my fault. I brought violence into this house! I am the worst mother in the world!
Stewie: Aha! I got it all on tape! Okay. This is me interviewing Ed Sullivan. What's new, Ed? [Imitating Ed Sullivan] "Well, Stewie, tonight we have a really big show." Okay. And now a word from our sponsors. "It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides! Butter fingers." I was making radio shows for fun. Everybody does it. Everybody I know...shut up!
Psychologist: Now, Stewart, I want you to take this Mommy doll and this Daddy doll and show me how they act together.
Stewie: Yes. Very well. All right. "You see, Margaret, after 20-odd years of marriage, your curious indiscretions no longer phase me." "Really? And I suppose you think I enjoy hanging onto those hammocky deposits of gin sugars you call buttocks?" What was that? What did you just write there?
Psychologist: Give me that!
Stewie: "Insecurity? Gender confusion?" I'll give you something to write about! Ooh, look at me! I'm insane! I'm Martin Lawrence on a bender!
Psychologist: Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, does Stewart have a history of aggression?
Lois: No, no. Hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done.
Stewie: Technically, the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I came out. Happy 50th birthday, Lois.
Psychologist: It's obvious that your son is learning this behavior from someone.
Peter: I know who's responsible for Stewie's behavior. But if I told you who it was, Lois would beat the crap out of me.
Lois: Now, just a minute! The whole reason I started fighting is because of you! I felt weak! You never listen to me! You undermine me in front of the kids! And besides, you're not exactly Father Of The Year yourself.
Psychologist: Well, there seems to be a lot of anger in your household. You owe it to your son to learn how to manage these feelings.
Stewie: Manage what?
Lois: I know I went a little overboard with my tae-jitsu. But from now on, we're not gonna have any more anger in this house, okay?
Meg: Well, then tell Chris to quit drawing pictures of me with a pig's body.
Chris: Don't censor me!
Lois: No more anger! Okay. The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called "role reversal," where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. "Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's worthless and dumb, and ignore her, and only listen to me-Peter."
Peter: "I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales. But I don't let Peter buy anything he likes. Like that Narragansett beer stein where the hot chick has two mugs for jugs." It was eight freakin' dollars, and we have a dozen places to put it!
Stewie: Oh, oh, me next, me next! "I'm the dog. I'm well-read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door."
Brian: "I'm a pompous little anti-Christ who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim."
Brian: Whoa, whoa, Peter, calm down.
Peter: I'm sick of Lois' anger-management techniques, Brian. They're not working.
Brian: What about the writing-angry-letters- and-not-sending-them exercise?
Peter: Aw, jeez, I wasn't supposed to send those?
Meg: Look. I got a letter from Dad. "Dear Meg, for the first four years of your life, I thought you were a housecat." Dad!
Stewie: "Dear Stewie, get out." Oh, that's nice.
Lois: Mine just says, "Dear Lois." And after that, it looks like someone just spit on the paper! You got something to say to me?
Peter: Yeah. PS... [Deep snort] Hold on a second.
Brian: Hold on, hold on. Relax. Everybody, relax. All right, look, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but we need to get our anger under control before we kill each other. No, my psychiatrist gave me these pills. They're mood elevators. I think they could help...even us out.
Lois: We're not taking pills. It's not natural.
Peter: Neither is bleaching the hair on your upper lip, Martin Mull!
Lois: Give us the pills!
[African tribal music]
ALL: Oom, bop bop.
Lois: That was fun. What country should we do next?
Chris: Monaco! Oh, wait. That's a principality.
Brian: You guys want to hear something really funny? Those pills I gave you were placebos. Sugar pills!
Peter: Wait a minute. Are you telling me I sang Ladysmith Black Mambazo for nothing?
Lois: Did it kill you to be multi-cultural for a minute?
Peter: I died a little inside, yes. You happy now?
Lois: Don't you use that tone of voice, you...
Peter: What were you going to say? "Fat ass"?
Chris: "Wide load"?
Meg: "Dough boy"?
Stewie: "Country virtuoso Roy Clark"?
Lois: How about "all of the above"?
Peter: How is this for a name? "Miss, Pony Express is in." "What do you got for me, Joe?" "Let me see here. It's here somewhere. Here we are. A big bag of liver spots for Lois!"
Peter: You just hit me.
Lois: That's right! You can't hit me! I'm a girl!
Peter: Sometimes I wonder. Kicking, Lois?
Lois: Hurts, doesn't it?
Peter: You tell me.
Chris: Go, Dad! Kick her ass!
Meg: Shut up! This is all Dad's fault!
Chris: I don't like to be touched!
(The Griffin's fight for a few minutes. More details in November 5, 2005.)
Brian: [Laughing] Man, I'm glad we got that out of our systems.
Meg: I wonder what came over us?
Chris: Maybe people are naturally violent.
Lois: I don't believe that. I think it's all the TV we watch. There's so much violence.
Peter: Yeah. TV is dangerous. Why doesn't the hell doesn't the government step in and tell us what we can and can't watch? And shame on the network that puts this junk on the air!
Lois: Peter? Peter, maybe you shouldn't say anything bad about the network.
Peter: Why? What are they gonna do? Cut our budget? I'm gonna go get a beer.
[closing theme music]