Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington

Theme Song
Lois: That's funny. I don't remember buying Stewie these toys. Oh, my God! It all makes sense now. My baby is some kind of diabolical genius bent on world domination!
Stewie: [slow clapping] Bravo, Lois. The last horse finally crosses the finish line.
Lois: Stewie! All these months I should've been paying attention to what you've been saying. You're an evil child. Why? Why did I have to go and smoke pot when I was pregnant with you?
Stewie: Cheer up, Mother. You should be proud. You've given birth to the future emperor of the world. Pity you won't be around to enjoy it. Cheerio!
Lois: [Screams]
Peter: Lois. Lois! What's the matter?
Lois: I just had the strangest dream. Something about Stewie and Cheerios. It's gone.
Peter: Well, come on, get up. It's opening day for the Sox. Hey, Chris, Meg, we're going to Fenway!
Lois: Peter, you can't pull the kids out of school for a baseball game.
Peter: Aw, there's nothing these kids learn in school they can't learn on the street.
Gang Member: It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?
Gang Member 2: Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and has to travel a distance of 6.2 miles at a rate of 5 miles per hour. What time will Louie arrive?
Gang Member: Depends if he stops to see his ho.
Gang Member 2: That's what we call a variable!
Chris: Look what I made for the game. [holds up sign reading John 3:16]
Meg: What does that mean, anyway?
Brian: <reading from Bible> "And the Lord said, 'Go, Sox."'
Meg: Dad, don't you have to work today?
Peter: It's nothing a little phone call can't take care of.
Mr. Weed: Hello?
Peter: Mr. Weed? I can't come to work today. I was in a terrible plane crash. My entire family was killed, and I am a vegetable. I'll see you tomorrow. <hangs up> Huh? Huh?
Brian: Oh, please, Peter. Your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs.
All: [Gasping]
Brian: Too soon?
Mom: Here it comes, Jeremy!
Jeremy: I got it! I got it!
Peter: Yes! Yeah! All right! I'm the man! Yeah! Hold on to this, Stewie. It'll be a souvenir of your first major-league game with your dad.
Stewie: My God. I shall cherish this forever. I say, Opie, I'll trade you this baseball for your souvenir bat.
Boy: Sure!
Stewie: What did you learn?
Peter: This is great. We haven't done anything together like this since we saw Mike Tyson get beat.
[cut to National Spelling Bee]
Moderator: The word, again, is "onomatopoeia."
Mike Tyson: Uh..."C."
Moderator: I'm sorry. That's incorrect.
Mike Tyson: Oh, dang!
Lois: I'm so glad you talked us all into playing hooky.
Peter: Me, too. Hey, maybe we can get on TV if we take our shirts off and run onto the field.
Lois: Peter, I'm not taking my shirt off.
Peter: [pulls up Lois' shirt] There. Now they're old news.
Lois: Peter!
Peter: Go, Sox! [tumbles down steps] [Screaming] Hmmm.[Snorting hot dog] [Snorting mustard]
Mr. Weed: Peter?
Peter: Oh, uh, hi, Mr. Weed.
Mr. Weed: Well, tt seems you've made a full recovery.
Peter: Oh, yeah. That plane crash I told you about, it turned out to be gas.
Mr. Weed: Aha! Liar! Tomorrow, my office, 9:30.
Peter: I'm tired of Mr. Weed treating me like a common doormat. I want him to treat me like one of those deluxe one from Pottery Barn with the fancy straw.
Brian: I don't care for Pottery Barn. Peter, if you want Mr. Weed to respect you, you're gonna have to earn it.
Peter: Hmm, "earn it." [Snorting drink]
Mr. Weed: Why have you forsaken me?
Peter: Uh, Mr. Weed? I heard you ran into my identical twin brother at the ball game yesterday. And if you don't buy that, I'm sorry I was at the ball game yesterday.
Mr. Weed: Peter, I just received terrible news. This company has been taken over by a conglomerate. After 23 years of faithful service, I've been terminated!
Peter: Wow, the business world sure is funny.
[cut to "Dilbert"]
Wally: Hey, Dilbert, what do you call it when a guy in middle management moves all the way to upper management?
Dilbert: I don't know. What do you call it?
Wally: A promotion.
Dilbert: Oh, thanks. Here's a memo.
Peter: Well ometimes the business world's funny.
Executive: And so, on behalf of the El Dorado Cigarette Company I'd like to welcome you to our family. I think you'll be very happy with the changes we've made.
Peter: Aw, this is sweet! Why are you putting a window in the middle of the factory?
Construction worker: So Aunt Bee has a place to let her pies cool.
Aunt Bee: Hello, boys. Today's pie is cherry. It'll be ready just in time for lunch.
Peter: Wow, these guys sure know how to run a company.
Executive: Look how happy those morons are. They'll never realize we're using those toys to get children addicted to our company's cigarettes.
All: [Laughing maniacally]
Executive: [Whistles] Good boy, Connor. Pull.
All: [Laughing maniacally]
Chris: Can't we eat? I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess.
Lois: I told you we're not starting without your father. Dinner just isn't dinner without him.
Stewie: Well, perhaps I could help simulate the experience. [throws face into food] [makes ridiculous noises]
Peter: Hey, family. Anyone in the mood for lobste-oh, God! One of them has my pupil! [Screaming]
Brian: Peter, how the hell can you afford lobster on your salary?
Peter: I got a raise.
Brian: What?
Peter: Yeah. The new owners gave everyone raises. Even Kenneth, the bad-ass mail clerk with the heart of gold.
[cut to mail room]
Peter: Hi, Kenneth. Hey, did I get any mail?
Kenneth: No! But if you come any closer, I'll slice you!
Peter: Okay! Okay! Man, what a bad-ass!
Man: Yeah? That bad-ass just gave half his paycheck to orphans. Orphans with diseases!
[Sentimental instrumental music]
Peter: And check out the new toys we're making.
Meg: "Baby Smokes-A-Lot"?
Baby Smokes-A-Lot: [smokes][Baby giggling] Tastes like happy.
Chris: Cool! That's imitatable!
Brian: What the hell? El Dorado Cigarettes? That's who bought your company?
Lois: Oh, my God! They're trying to corrupt our children!
Brian: Well, what do you expect? Those bastards turned a whole generation of Americans into smokers with their damned subliminal advertising.
Ma: Timmy, where's Lassie?
Timmy: She's out in the orchard, Ma. Peaches are coming in mighty early this year.
Jerry: Smoke!
Ma: You know what they say, Timmy. "Early peaches, long summer."
Jerry: Smoke!
Lassie: [Barking]
Timmy: What's that, Lassie?
Jerry: Are you smoking yet?
Lois: Peter, if kids see this doll, they're gonna think smoking's okay. You have to talk to your new bosses first thing in the morning.
Peter: Don't you worry, Lois. I'll set them straight. Just like I did with Chris.
Chris: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
Peter: Gentlemen, we need to talk. My wife says you're trying to get kids to smoke.
Executive: That's just not true.
Peter: What about this toy?
Executive: Peter, it's just a doll with a cigarette. I mean Barbie has a Dream Car, but you don't see every 8-year-old driving. They're just fun toys.
Jerry: Smoke!
Executive: Not now, Jerry. Trust me, Peter. The last thing we want is to get kids to start smoking.
Peter: What about that graph on the wall that says: "The first thing we want is to get kids to start smoking"?
Executive: That? Oh, that's just something my son made me in art class.
Peter: Then what about that poster that says: "The graph was not made in art class. We really do want kids to start smoking"?
Executive: Look, we're a caring company. I mean, would you really be the president of a company that didn't care about kids?
Peter: No. But I'm not the president.
Executive: Yes, you are, if you want to be.
Men: [Agreeing]
Peter: Oh, wow. Imagine, me, president.
[Joyful instrumental music] [Peter struts around the Oval Office]
Peter: I'll do it!
[Griffins' kitchen]
Peter: [sings "Hail to the Chief" off-key]
Lois: So how did it go?
Peter: I'm not finished yet. [more "Hail to the Chief"] Aren't you gonna ask me how it went?
Lois: Yes! Did you talk to the company executives?
Peter: [more "Hail to the Chief"]
Lois: Peter, answer me!
Peter: Yeah, I did! They made me president.
Meg: Of the whole company?
Chris: All right, Dad!
Peter: You should've seen the way they were treating me. I never got that kind of respect before.
[cut to Peter working as a swim coach]
Peter: Great workout, Bobby.
Boy: Up yours, sack breath!
Peter: That's "Mister Griffin."
Lois: But, Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter: Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second. [Yelps]
Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.
Peter: Jeez, Lois, I thought you'd be proud of me. After all these years, the company thinks I'm worth something. Wait till you see all the perks we're gonna get.
Meg: Um, hi. Can I help you?
Ugly Girl: Some company hired me to stand next to you so you'd look better by comparison.
Meg: That's ridiculous. I don't need...
Boy: Meg, did you get less ugly?
Meg: Yeah!
Peter: Surprise!
Lois: Everything looks the same.
Peter: Oh, it looks the same, but actually El Dorado Cigarettes has coated the entire inside of the house with a microfilm of Teflon, so it's easy to clean.
Lois: Oh!
Peter: Maybe I shouldn't have had them do the floors.
Stewie: I'm "Nudes on Ice"!
Lois: This is so exciting. Your father's first day as president.
Peter: Good morning, First Family. Ooh, Lois, what's in this coffee?
Lois: Isn't it wonderful? The company sent Martha Stewart to help me with the housework. I take back all the bad things I said about them. The coffee is delicious, Martha.
Martha Stewart: A little chicory perks up the taste of roasted coffee beans. It's a good thing.
Brian: Well, I think it's a crappy thing! In fact, this is my last cigarette, ever. You make me sick, letting yourselves be bought off with a few lousy perks.
Stewie: Oh, I beg to differ.
Valet: Oh, you don't need to park here, Mr. Griffin. You have an executive parking space now.
Peter: But that looks exactly like my old space.
Valet: Yeah, but this one comes with your own company suck-up.
Suck-up: Morning, Mr. Griffin. Nice day.
Peter: It's a little cloudy.
Suck-up: It's absolutely cloudy, one of the worst days I've seen in years. So, good news about the Yankees.
Peter: I hate the Yankees.
Suck-up: Pack of cheatters, that's what they are. I love your tie.
Peter: I hate this tie.
Suck-up: It's awful, it's gaudy, it's gotta go.
Peter: And I hate myself.
Suck-up: I hate you, too. You make me sick, you fat sack of crap.
Peter: But I'm the president.
Suck-up: The best there is.
Peter: But you just said you hated me.
Suck-up: But not you, the president, the you who said you hated you who...love, hate, Yankees, clouds...[head explodes]
Valet: I'll have that fixed for you tomorrow, sir.
Executive: Here's your new digs. Now, get to work, sport. We're counting on you.
Peter: Wow. My own office. Well, I guess I'd better get busy. [Pencil sharpening][sighs][sticks finger in pencil sharpener] Ah! [looks furtively around and unzips pants][prolonged screams]
[Sinister instrumental music]
Executive: Gentlemen, we have a problem. There's an anti-smoking bill before Congress that could put us out of business.
Executive 2: Yes. Apparently causing cancer is this year's "hot button."
Executive: I don't understand it. We've tried everything to get through to these politicians. Harvard lawyers, lobbyists, wisecracking leprechauns.
Leprechaun: Excuse me. Do you have a dollar? I'm a little short. [Laughs]
Executive 3: Maybe that's the problem. They're all idiots in Washington. Instead of a smart guy, we should send a moron they can relate to.
Executives: Yeah. Yeah. Good thought.
Executive: But where are we going to find someone within the company who's that stupid?
Executive 2: Yeah. And not just stupid. Fat, too.
Executives: Yeah, yeah. That's exactly what we need.
Executive 3: Hey, wait a second. Didn't we just make a fat, stupid guy president?
Executive: You bet we did. Gentlemen, our new tobacco lobbyist is That Guy!
[theme from "That Girl"]
Singers: ? Diamonds, daisies, snowflakes, That Guy ? ? Chestnuts, rainbows, springtime is That Guy ? ? He's tinsel on a tree ? ? He's everything that every guy should be ? ? Sable, popcorn, white wine, That Guy ? ? Gingham, bluebirds, Broadway is That Guy ? ? He's mine alone, but luckily for you ? ? if you find a guy to love ? ? only one guy to love then he'll be That Guy, too ? That Guy!
Peter: So, uh, what's this big assignment you got for me, Chairman of the Broad?
Executive: [Laughs] "Chairman of the Broad." When did you become such a stitch?
Peter: Don't you remember? You gave me writers. "Sir, I don't want to say you're rich, but when you walk into a bank, all the tellers go, 'Whoopee!"' That wasn't funny. I thought you guys said you were Jewish.
Writer: He's only half-Jewish.
Peter: You're fired.
Executive: Here's the thing, Griffin. Some troublemakers in Congress are trying to shut us down. We need someone important, like you, to go down to Washington and help those bastards see what kind of fun-Ioving people the tobacco industry's really made of.
Peter: Washington? Ah, sweet. I'm your man. But I gotta warn you-I made enemies on the Hill.
[Peter at Senate confirmation hearing]
Peter: And that's when Clarence Thomas forced me into his chambers and showed me lewd pictures.
Senator: Mr. Griffin, we have indisputable evidence that not only have you never been in the same room as Clarence Thomas, you've never been in the same state. How do you respond to that?
Peter: Baba Booey! Baba Booey! Howard Stern's penis! Baba Booey! Baba Booey! Baba Booey!
Meg: How long will Dad be in Washington?
Lois: As long as it takes. He's a very important man now. You know, he's the spokesman for his entire industry.
[montage of Peter in cigarette ads]
Lois: Thank you, Martha. Brian, could you pass me the TV Guide?
Brian: Piss off!
Lois: What?
Brian: I'm sorry. It just feels like forever since I've had a smoke. I'm just a bit testy. Stop staring at my tail!
Peter: Hello, Mr. Harrison? Yeah, I see those government guys you were telling me about. I'll show them a good time and bring them around to our side. Excuse me. Al Gore, George W. Bush?
Al Gore: Yes?
George W. Bush: Yes?
Peter: Ah, great. And what's your friend's name?
Al Gore: Dick Armey.
Peter: [Laughs] No, seriously. What's his name?
Al Gore: Dick Armey.
Peter: [Laughs]
Al Gore: [Laughs] Oh, I just got it.
Peter: Hey, Armey. What's your wife's name? "Vagina Coast Guard"? Nah, I'm kidding, you guys. Hey, get in the car. We're going to a skin bar.
All: Great. Yeah. Sounds good.
Senator: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I don't know what happened!
Peter: Whoa, it's okay, it's okay, Senator. This girl didn't have a family. It'll be like she never existed. Now grab a hold of yourself. All right. Now, listen. You may have killed her when you shoved those dollar bills down her throat. You may have killed her when you hit her with the stool. I don't know. I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her. Smoking!
Al Gore: You have our support, Griffin.
Lois: Look, kids. Here's your father in People magazine with Jim Carrey. And they're both "Smokin'!" I loved that in Mask. "Smokin'!" "Smokin'!" "Smokin'!"
Brian: Damn it! Do I have to listen to this drivel 24 hours a day? But I guess anything's better than looking at your smelly face!
Meg: Mom!
Lois: Honey, your face smells fine. You know he doesn't mean it. It's just the lack of nicotine.
Chris: Hey, Mom, the school janitor said that Dad's working for the bad guys. And he said it through a hole in his throat.
Lois: Well, That doesn't make him right.
Chris: If I had a hole in my throat, I'd put pennies in it!
Lois: Listen, your father's doing great work, and life's never been better.
Stewie: Yes, I, too, applaud the oaf for finally showing some initiative. God knows he was years overdue.
[Stewie lights a cigarette]
Lois: [Gasps]
Stewie: You know who I saw at the market today? Patty Croft. Oh, and she has gotten fat!
Lois: Oh, my God! Stewie, no! Oh, God. What have I done? I knew smoking was bad, but I still sold my soul. And for what? Martha Stewart? Come on, kids. We gotta put a stop to this. Now!
Martha Stewart: [Sighs] Finally. [Farting]
[Schoolhouse Rock music]
Bill: ? They call me Bill, yes, they call me Bill ? ? And I'm standing here on Capitol... ? [screams]
Bob Dole Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole....
Lois: There you are! Peter, I caught Stewie smoking. That cigarette company is evil. We can't be a part of this anymore.
Peter: Lois, this is the best job I ever had! Hey, since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. [Laughs]
[cut to Alyssa Milano in live action watching Family Guy]
Alyssa Milano: What kind of cheap shot...Joel!
Joel: I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it.
Aide: Mr. Griffin, time for your speech.
Lois: But, Peter, what about your son?
Peter: So Stewie had a puff. He's old enough to make his own decisions. For God's sakes, Lois, he's 1. Cut the umbilical cord!
[Applauding]
Peter: Ladies and gentlemen of Congress, I am here today to talk about smoking.
Lois: Please, Peter, do the right thing.
Peter: I know a lot of you are already on my side. And for you naysayers, I have two strong words for you: come on! Come on!
Congressmen: Okay, sure. All right. Done.
Peter: Thank you, ladies and...
Stewie: [Stewie coughing] Baby needs to suck ash! Baby needs to suck ash! Not "ass," you pervert. Save it for the interns.
Peter: Is that a baby? Oh, my God! That's Stewie! Lois was right! Children under 4 shouldn't smoke! Look, I don't care about this stupid job anymore. Cigarettes are bad!
Congressman: Mr. Griffin is right! Smoking is a horrible vice! It shortens life expectancy and pollutes our air. And according to recent polls, air is good.
Congressman 2: Cigarettes killed my father and raped my mother!
[Gasps]
Congressman Frank: Gentlemen, I propose we send a message to tobacco companies everywhere by fining the El Dorado Cigarette Company infinity billion dollars!
Congressman 3: That's the spirit, Frank! But I think a real number might be more effective. All in favor of fining this evil tobacco giant $100 million, say "Aye"!
Congressmen: Aye! Aye!
Executive: But that'll bankrupt us!
Peter: Oh, you mean the way you've morally bankrupted America?
Congressmen: [Laughing]
Peter: Thanks for that zinger, boys. Now, give me a snappy line to go out on.
Writer: Actually, our lunch is here.
Peter: [Stuttering] Well, that's my mama! [Laughing nervously]
[Heroic instrumental music]
[cut to the Griffins backstage]