Road to Rhode Island

Excedrin headache number one: puppy mill.
Damn!
Does anyone here have thumbs? Anyone? No?
Agh! Sorry, I don't play.
Hey, come on! Knock it off!
Hey, how's the flow today?
Hey, hey! Whoa!
Mom! Do something. Mom! Help!
Mom!
And that was the last time I ever saw her.
Brian, I think we've stumbled on the root of your problems.
You have abandonment issues. Confront your mother and deal with this.
Are you crazy? My eyes were barely open and she just gave me away.
Well, it's her loss, right?
I turned out great, huh? Am I right?
Right? Yeah! You bet your ass I'm right.
You wanna arm wrestle? Come on, right now!
Brian, have you been drinking?
No.
Brian, you really seem to be enjoying your wine lately.
It's only my second glass.
Dad, if bad men broke into the house,
and they had guns, and they put a gun up to your head
and made you choose who you wanted to live, me or Meg, who would you choose?
Ask your mom. I'm not very good with tough decisions.
We'll be closing in two minutes.
I could never choose. I love all my children equally.
It's hard enough having Stewie all the way in Palm Springs visiting Grammy and Grandpa.
Give Nana a big hug, sweetheart.
That should guarantee some after-dinner entertainment.
Lois, uh... I was thinking. Why don't I fly out to Palm Springs and pick up Stewie?
- Really? - Yeah. It's just what I need to clear my head.
That would be wonderful. It'll give me time to catch up on my reading.
Usually there are so many distractions.
Come into my home, will ya?
I'll show you, you bastard.
Stewie, gather your things. Time to go.
It's about bloody time! You...
That idiot slattern sent the dog?
Oh, oh, oh! This is... this is...
Oh, don't even get me started. I... I... I... I mean, really!
When I think of... of... of... of the times that that woman has...
Oh, I won't even begin to... to... to...
- Can we go? - Fine.
Peter, guess what I just got. A relationship video.
The infomercial said this tape will help us communicate better as a couple.
Lois, when have we ever had trouble communicating?
- Oh, Peter. I love you. - About a quarter past five.
OK, Lois. I'll make you a deal. We'll watch the tape, but you gotta do something for me.
- OK. What? - Do that Katharine Hepburn impression.
And Philadelphia Story Hepburn. None of that head-on-a-slinky Golden Pond stuff.
Wait here at the gate. I gotta run a quick errand.
- Aren't you too young to be travelling alone? - Aren't you too old to be wearing braces?
- I think you've had about enough. - Well, I... I think you're wrong,
you increasingly attractive-Looking woman.
- You know, you're really pretty. - Oh, stop.
No, I'm serious. You could... you could be in magazines. You could!
And not just like Jugs or Creamsicle.
Call me!
She won't call.
Here's a pleasant sight. Cirrhosis the Wonder Dog.
I'm... I'm not drunk. I just have a speech impediment.
And a stomach virus.
And an inner-ear infection.
Flight 85 to Providence. Final boarding.
Oh, at last!
Yes, yes. Come now. Chase the stick.
- Where are the bags? - What do you mean, they're right here...
Rupert! I told you to watch the bags!
You were watching the boys again. It's that steward, the one who looks like Tab Hunter.
Forget it! Let's just get on the bloody plane and go home.
- Our tickets were in the bags. - Flight 85 to Providence is now departing.
That's not going to stop me.
Hey!
That was my plan. Where's yours?
Oh, my God! All right, let's not dilly-dally.
Call Lois, have her wire us some money and let's get out of here.
I... I got... I'm s...
I'm feeling... Oh!
Oh, that's pretty.
Hello? Operator? Hello?
Oh, that's right. You have to punch in the numbers nowadays.
I should know this.
Oh, yes. 8675309, that's it.
No, wait. That's not it. Damn you, Tommy Two-Tone.
Only one thing to do.
Lois? Damn.
1111112.
Lois? Damn.
1111113.
"A way with words in marriage
for couples who communicate not good."
Oh, come on, Lois. This is gonna be worse
than when we had to watch your Uncle's Jerry's snuff film.
Are they really gonna kill that girl?
Peter, please! People are trying to watch.
Just give it a chance.
Hello. I'm Doctor Amanda Rebecca.
By purchasing this video, you've taken the first step
towards strengthening your relationship.
I'd like to start by asking the women to leave the room,
because this part of the tape is for men only. We'll see you in a little while.
I can see this is gonna be very intense.
Have fun!
Make sure your wife is out of the room.
So, you wanna talk or you want me to take my top off?
That's what I thought. Oh, man!
You're making me so hot.
I hope you like big breasts
because mine are so big, this itty bra can barely contain them.
- Do you wanna see more? - Yes, please.
Then you'll have to order my next tape.
- You got the stuff? - I got it. Where's the money?
- I wanna see the money. - You don't see the money till I see the stuff.
There's only one way to put an end to this nuisance.
- He's wearing a wire! - What? You son of a...
That's it, Mr Giraffe, get all the marmalade...
Hello! Agh! Agh!
Damn it to pus-spewing blood-gutted hell!
What?
What do you mean, our credit card was declined?
No, no. There's no need to come up. We'II...
Oh, blast!
Dammit!
Oh, come on, you. Get up. Come on! Go for a ride in the car.
Blast! Ooh, a penny.
- Wake up. - What? Ah!
Oh, my head. Oh, God. What are we doing here?
We needed a weekend away from the kids.
- We have to get the hell out of here! - Motel manager.
Open up, or I'll hit you with this blunt instrument
I use to hit deadbeats with bad credit cards.
Well, it's not an instrument. It's more of an object.
But it's blunt. Hard and blunt.
And, well, it's kinda like a bat. I found it out back one day when I was raking.
Let's go.
All right, we need some wheels.
- This one's unlocked. - An SUV?
We're trying to elude someone, not drive to soccer practice. Let's take this one.
- You like that colour? - What's wrong with it?
- I dunno. It's so dark. - Yes, but it doesn't show dirt.
- What? - It doesn't show dirt.
I guess.
This is the first place we've gone to. We should try another lot.
Sold.
- Go on, hot-wire it. - Hot-wire? I don't even pump my own gas.
- Oh, for God's sake. - Hurry up.
- You did it. - Put it back. I like that song.
If Montgomery Clift, who was in From Here to Eternity with Burt Lancaster,
who was in Atlantic City with Susan Sarandon,
who was in White Palace with Kevin Bacon. There.
Nice, nice. Except that was James Spader in White Palace.
- Moron. - Ooh, Mr Snippy.
- I just need some time to think, all right. - Yes, you've got lots to think about.
- Public drunkenness, grand theft auto. - You left out the part where
- You smash your head on the windshield. - I don't recall...
Yes. Well. I suppose I walked right into that one.
Hello.
- Lois. Hi, it's Brian. - Let me talk to her.
Brian! We were just on our way to the airport. Is everything OK?
Yeah. Everything's fine.
Stewie and I traded in our plane tickets for train tickets.
Yeah. Apparently you can do that.
- Give me the damn phone! - Little fella's asleep,
- But I'll give him that kiss. - You suck!
See you in three days.
Let's go.
Oh, crap. We gotta disappear, and quick.
Maybe we shoulda jumped on that truck.
- Stewie and Brian are taking a train home. - Can we not discuss curtains for a second?
I got another relationship tape.
$49.95? That's three times as much as the first one.
Lois, our relationship cannot be measured in nipples and dimes.
I mean nickels and boobs.
Money. I'll be upstairs.
- Peter, why are you so... - Get out! This is a part just for the men.
- I say, there's a plane. - If there's a plane, there's probably a pilot.
And if there's a pilot, there must be a bar. I can get a drink.
I don't trust you. You put your seed in my daughter's belly. You're fired.
But, Pa, you can't fire me.
You're lucky you're my brother too, or I'd kill you.
Excuse me, sir. I'm an experienced crop-dusting pilot.
You can trust us completely. My friend is too young to put a seed in your daughter's belly
- And I'm of a different species. - You're hired.
Boy, will your face be red when they find the black box on this one.
So saturate the soil twice a day. That's why my tomatoes haven't been coming in.
Ah, let's see.
Nosotros queremos ir con ustedes.
That was pretty good. But when you said "Me llamo es Brian", you don't need the "es".
- Just "Me llamo Brian". - Oh, you speak English.
- No, just that first speech and this one. - You're kidding, right?
- Why did we get off here? - My mother lives in Austin.
Fate's brought me back here for a reason.
I have to find my mother and make peace with her.
Oh, so she's in Austin, hm?
- Eight miles that way? - Yes.
All right. So instead of driving down this sun-parched highway, we've now got to walk.
- Uh... pretty much, yeah. - You know what this means.
Yeah.
I say, walk slower, dog. My Huggies are already holed up in Box Canyon.
- Hello, Luke. - Uh, have we met?
- My name's Brian. I was born here. - Sorry, son. Lots of dogs been born here.
Refresh my memory. Which one were you again?
- I was the one who could talk. - Brian! Come on in!
- Betty, look who it is. - Is that Brian?
Oh, and you brought a little friend!
Well, I bet you're a hungry little fella.
Yes, and I bet you lost your virginity to a mechanical bull. Now change me!
Look, I've been thinking a lot about my mother lately, and...
She was a good dog.
- "Was"? You mean... - Last year. She went real peaceful.
Well, she probably wouldn't have wanted to see me anyway.
That's not true. Biscuit loved all her puppies.
Biscuit
Brian, your momma gave you up because she thought
you'd have a better life if she let you go.
Was she right, son? Do you have a good life?
Yeah. I really do. I have a great life.
- Would you like to see her? - "See her"? I don't understand.
We loved Biscuit so much, we wanted to keep her with us always.
So we had her stuffed!
Mom!
I say, someone must have said a funny, because your mother's in stitches!
I'll leave you to grieve.
Come on, Betty, why don't we get these fellas some sandwiches?
Look at Jesus standing over there all by himself.
You'd think those bulldogs would invite him to their card game.
You deserve better than this, Mom.
This is actually a rather elegant solution for my problem of what to do with Lois.
Shut up and help me. I'm not leaving her here.
Oh, relax. Old girl doesn't have too much to wag about these days, anyway.
Hey, Meg. Try to guess the word I'm thinking of right now.
And it's not "kitty".
- "Car". - No.
- I dunno. "Apple". - No. Give up?
- Yeah. - It was "kitty"!
- Peter... - Oh, my God! The new video! Life is sweet!
How about some whipped cream?
Oh, that's always good.
- And some cinnamon. - Oh! That's good too.
And then guess what? I'm going to add...
Oh, jeez, if she says "Mrs Dash", I'm gonna lose it.
We're going to add...
- Peter! - Agh!
I know what you've been doing, and I'm very upset with you.
Wow. Usually beautiful women don't turn back into you until after I'm finished.
These tapes are about communication. If you wanted to see a woman acting nasty...
you shoulda told me.
- This is hot. - Turn around.
Lois! Ah, this is not what it looks like. She means nothing to me.
- Peter, it's OK. - Yeah?
I was trying to be sexy for ya.
Ahh! Come here, you!
You shoulda told me...
You shoulda told me...
I'm gonna get directions to the nearest park so we can give my mother a proper burial.
Come on, darling. Stiff upper lip
I'm writing that one down.
- Say something. - What?
- Just say something, please! - Oh, for God's sake.
Um... Uh...
Yea, and God said to Abraham you will kill your son Isaac.
And Abraham said "I can't hear you."
"You'll have to speak into the microphone."
And God said "Oh, I'm sorry. Is this better?"
"Jerry, pull the high end out. I'm still getting some hiss back."
- Say something about my mother! - Oh, yes. I'm sorry.
I never knew Biscuit as a dog,
but I did know her as a table.
She was sturdy, all four legs the same length...
Thanks. That's enough.
Yes, yes. Requiem and terra pax, and so forth. Amen.
Wow, look at all those stars.
I've read that starlight gives you cancer. Then again, what doesn't these days?
Listen, there's something I've been meaning to tell you. It's not easy for me to say.
Oh, God. You're not coming out of the closet, are you?
Why does everyone always come out to me?
I just wanted to thank you for everything you did today.
- I know this whole trip has been a mess. - Well, it hasn't been all bad.
I must admit there have been some moments that were, dare I say, fun.
We're off on the road to Rhode Island
We're having the time of our lives
- Take it, dog! - We're quite a pair of partners
Just like Thelma and Louise
'Cept you're not six feet tall
- And your breasts don't reach your knees. - Give it time.
We're off on the road to Rhode Island
We're certainly going in style
I'm with an intellectual
- Who craps inside his pants - How dare you?
At least I don't leave urine stains on all the household plants
Oh, pee jokes.
We've travelled a bit and we've found
Like a masochist in Newport, we're Rhode-Island bound
- Crazy travel conditions. - First class and no class.
Careful with that joke-it's an antique.
We're off on the road to Rhode Island
We're not gonna stop till we're there
Maybe for a beer.
Whatever dangers we may face
- We'll never fear or cry - That's right!
Until we're syndicated, Fox will never let us die
- Please? - We're off on the road to Rhode Island
The home of that old campus swing
We may pick up some college girls
And picnic on the grass
We'd tell you more but we would have the censors on our ass
We certainly do get around
Like renegade Pilgrims thrown out of Plymouth Colony.
We're Rhode Island-bound
Like two college freshmen who were rejected by Harvard and forced to go to Brown.
We're Rhode Island-bound
Look who I found at the train station!
My baby! Mommy missed you so much.
God forbid you should have put a little eyeliner on for my homecoming.
Did you have a nice trip with Brian?
Yes, smooth sailing through calm seas.
Hey, kid! Thanks for not ratting me out. Is there anything I can do to pay you back?
Oh, yes. You remember that episode of The Brady Bunch where Bobby saved Greg's life,
- And Greg became his slave? - Yep.
It's on this afternoon. You can tape it for me. And put a nice label on it.
OK, Meg. I'm thinking of another word.
This time it's definitely not "kitty".
- Can you guess what it is? - Is it "kitty"?
Uh! Get out of my head!
Get out of my head!