I am Peter Hear Me Roar

Theme Song
[Mellow music playing on TV]
Woman: Boy, that lotion sure feels good.
Woman 2: Sure is hot!
Woman: And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you.
Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
Lois: Typical male fantasy-women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.
Chris: Dad, we won a boat! We won a boat!
Peter: Holy crap! We did! We won a free freakin' boat!
Meg: Dad, nobody gives things away for free.
Peter: That's not true. I know plenty of people who give things away.
Crowd: Free Tibet! Free Tibet!
Peter: I'll take it! <dials phone> Hello, China? I have something you may want. But it's gonna cost you. That's right. All the tea.
[Sinister instrumental music]
Lois: I knew there was a catch. You have to sit through one of those awful time-share presentations.
Peter: Oh. that's a small price to pay. I am gonna be the first one on Spooner Street to have his own boat!
Quagmire: Whoa! All hands on deck! I'm getting a boat!
Cleveland: Hey, Quagmire. I'm also getting a boat, too.
Joe: Right on! Whoo! I can't wait to get my sea legs! Yeah!
Peter: Well, at least I'll be the fattest guy on Spooner Street to get a boat.
Fat Albert: Hey, hey, hey! I'm getting a boat!
Peter: Oh, man! Even Della Reese is getting a boat.
Salesman: These wonderful homes on this beautifully secluded island can be yours with almost no strings attached. Beautiful island. Nothing out of the ordinary here. Just beautiful homes and nothing else. Each residence has 200 feet of pristine oceanfront. No city noise, no flesh-eating ogres, no pollution.
Lois: I hate these high-pressure sales situations.
Peter: Oh, that's so cute. You're just afraid that because you're a woman you're gonna do something stupid like buy that time-share, or not realize that your husband taped over our wedding video with softcore cable porn.
Lois: You taped over our wedding video?
Peter: Relax, Lois. I just taped over the boring stuff.
Priest: The couple has written their own vows, which they will now recite to each other.
Lois: Peter, I...
[static]
Woman: Look, the only reason I got myself arrested was to find out what happened to my sister.
Guard: Excuse me, ladies. It's laundry time.
[Cheesy porn music playing]
Woman: It's so cold in here. I mean, look at my...
Lois: Oh, my God, Peter! I sent a copy of that tape to my Great Aunt Lil!
Old Woman: This wedding is hot!
Old Man: Wake up, damn it! Wake up!
Jim Kaplan: Hello, Mr. And Mrs....Griffin. Now, I know you've been here all day. So, if you'll sign this contract without reading it, I'll take your blank check and you won't not be not loving your time-share before you know it.
Peter: Oh ho, look slick, we're not gonna buy your lousy time-share, all right? Now, where's my boat?
Jim Kaplan: Hold on! You have a choice. You can have the boat or the mystery box.
Lois: Are you crazy? We'll take the boat.
Peter: Not so fast, Lois. A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we wanted one of those.
Lois: Then let's just...
Peter: We'll take the box.
[in car]
Lois: "We'll take the box." You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club.
Peter: Come on, Lois! You're acting like this is the first time I've ever done something stupid. You remember the time I was supposed to get that boat?
[flashes back to office]
Peter: A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we wanted one of those.
Lois: Then let's just...
Peter: We'll take the box.
[back in car]
Lois: Peter, that just happened 10 minutes ago.
Peter: Who cares? I'll bet nobody took the boat. Who could resist the call of the mystery box?
Cleveland: Yahoo!
Quagmire: Hey, look at me. I'm the man in the boat. All right.
Bonnie: Joe, look to the right. It's the Griffins.
Joe: We're nautical now, baby-that's called "starboard." But I'll forgive you, because you sex me up. Now, give me some sugar. Hey, neighbors! Where's your boat?
Lois: We didn't take the boat. We took the mystery box. Hop in.
Cleveland: Hey, Quagmire. Maybe the comedian will tell some jokes about boats or boating or owning a boat.
Quagmire: Yeah. Or maybe he'll tell some jokes about being a sucker!
Cleveland: Oh, Quagmire. You're what the Spaniards call el terrible.
Brian: What are you so upset about? I never even knew you liked boats.
Peter: Hey, hey, boating's in my blood. Ever since my great-grandfather, Huck Griffin, rafted down the mighty Mississippi.
Jim: What did you just call me?
Huck Griffin: I thought that was your name.
Jim: That is our word! You've got no right using it!
Huck Griffin: Hey, I'm cool, I'm cool. No problem. Could you pass me the oar, N-word Jim?
Jim: Thank you.
Peter: <drunk> This comic sucks! He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was making me do it. Come on, Skinny! Make me laugh!
Lois: Peter, that's a microphone stand.
Peter: Oh, well, pardon me for thinking a microphone stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or two. I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way.
Comedian: Hi. Welcome to...
Peter: <fake laugh> Very funny.
Comedian: Excuse me, sir. I haven't even...
Peter: Oh, oh, that one was hilarious! That was even funnier than your first joke! Hey, put skinny back up there.
Lois: Peter!
Comedian: You think this is easy? You want to come up here and try this?
Peter: I thought you'd never ask.
Brian: Uh, Peter, maybe you shouldn't do this. You've never had a lot of luck telling jokes.
[Peter in net on the Planet of the Apes, with dozens of apes aiming guns at him]
Peter: Okay, how many dirty, stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One dirty, stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb and two dirty, stinkin' apes to throw feces at each other. [Laughing]
[back in comedy club]
Peter: Don't worry. I got it under control. [on stage] Hey, how about that Viagra, huh? You know what that stuff does, huh? Huh? Come on! What are you people, stupid? [Peter sticks beer bottle in pocket, making it appear as if he is urinating on himself] You like a little abuse, huh? Yeah. Well, you guys are stupid and ugly. If there was a stupid-and-ugly contest, you'd all win! Or lose. Whichever is funnier.
[Griffin kitchen]
Peter: Hey. Hey, Lois. What do you call a woman who takes forever to cook breakfast?
Lois: I swear to God, Peter!
Peter: You call her "Lois." [Laughing]
Stewie: [laughing] Well, the fat man made a funny. I rather enjoyed that. Yes, yes, you cook very slowly. As a matter of fact, if you were any slower at cooking you...well, you wouldn't be cooking very fast at all, now, would you? That one wasn't very good.
Lois: Peter, they were laughing at you because it looked like you peed yourself, not because they liked your jokes.
Peter: Well, maybe that was part of my act. Urine happens to be very edgy. But I guess an unfunny person like you wouldn't understand that.
Stewie: Okay, okay. I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you'd need an egg calendar! [Laughing] Oh, that's right. I went there.
[Happy-Go-Lucky Toy factory]
Peter: Okay, okay, okay, wait, here's another one. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to them!
Men: [Laughing] Good one, Peter. That's what they're for, all right.
Woman: Are you telling jokes? I love jokes.
Peter: All right. Then you'll love this one. Okay. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to them. So you got something to look at while you're talking to them. So you got-
[Mr. Weed's office]
Peter: You wanted to see me, Mr. Weed?
Mr. Weed: Peter, we have a problem.
Gloria Ironbox: Mr. Griffin, I'm Gloria Ironbox. I represent one of your co-workers, Sarah Bennett. She's suing you and the company for sexual harassment.
Peter: Sarah, Sarah...I don't-oh, is she the one we videotaped taking a dump? Why? What happened?
Gloria Ironbox: Sexual harassment is a very serious charge, Mr. Griffin.
Peter: All right, look, first of all, if I can speak in my own defense, all I did was tell a little joke. Second of all, women are not people. They are devices built by the Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment.
Mr. Weed: Peter, please! Miss Ironbox, I assure you, this company in no way condones Peter's conduct. In fact, a film on employee relations has been a mandatory part of our personnel training for 50 years.
[title card: Women in the Workplace ©1956]
[Cheery instrumental music]
Host: Irrational and emotionally fragile by nature, female coworkers are a peculiar animal. They are very insecure about their appearance. Be sure to tell them how good they look every day, even if they're homely and unkempt. "You're doing a great job, Muriel, and you're prettier than Mamie Van Doren." And remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.
Gloria Ironbox: Mr. Weed, I teach a workplace-sensitivity training class for the Women's Action Coalition. If Mr. Griffin completes my course, we'll drop the lawsuit.
Mr. Weed: I assure you, Peter will be there. His job depends on it.
Gloria Ironbox: Good. I'm looking forward to it.
Peter: You know, If I wasn't so sure you were a lesbian, I'd say you were coming on to me.
[Quahog community center]
Gloria Ironbox: All right, now, let's do some role-playing. I'll be the office assistant. Mr. Henson, why don't you play the boss, and we'll see what you've learned tonight?
Mr. Henson: Okay.
Gloria Ironbox: The filing is done, Mr. Henson.
Mr. Henson: Thank you, Miss Ironbox. You are a valued member of our business team, and every bit as important to this company as I am.
Gloria Ironbox: Excellent. Mr. Griffin, why don't you come up here and give it a try?
Peter: All right.
Gloria Ironbox: The filing's done, Mr. Griffin.
Peter: Thank you, Miss Ironbox. You are a valued member of our business team, and I will give you a raise tomorrow if you come to work without a shirt on.
Gloria Ironbox: Mr. Griffin!
Peter: I'm sorry. That came out wrong. Let me try again. Nice ass.
Gloria Ironbox: You haven't heard a word I've said!
Peter: Now that's not fair. I've heard everything you said. It's just, you know, there's some subtleties to the rules that aren't so easy to understand. Honk honk.
Gloria Ironbox: Okay, that's it! Obviously, normal sensitivity training isn't enough for you! No, we're gonna have to do something drastic.
[Crickets chirping]
Peter: A week at a women's retreat. What the hell am I supposed to learn from that?
Brian: Well, face it, Peter. Your attitude towards women isn't exactly enlightened.
[streetcorner]
Peter: Oh, that's a bad mud puddle. I wouldn't want you to step in that and get your nice shoes all ruined.
[back in bedroom]
Brian: Then you got caught peeping in the ladies' locker room.
[locker room]
Peter: Okay, move the towel. Move the towel. Oh! Oh! They spotted me.
[back in bedroom]
Lois: Peter, I think this'll be good for you. You know I love you, but I have to admit, there are times when I wish you were a little more sensitive and.... Look at me! Look at me!
Miss Watson: Hello, ladies. I'm Miss Watson, director of the retreat. I'd like to welcome Peter Griffin, who's here to get in touch with his feminine side. This world would be a far better place if there were more men like him.
Peter: Okay, okay, so here's what I'm thinking. I'll be Charlie, and you can all be my Angels. Except you. You'll be Bosley.
Miss Watson: We women have so much strength inside us. If we can endure the pain of childbirth just imagine what else we're capable of!
Women: That's so true. Right on, sister!
Peter: Wah, wah! Come on-it's only childbirth. How much can it hurt?
Miss Watson: Peter, it's like taking your bottom lip and stretching it over your head to the back of your neck!
Peter: Come on. You want to hear some horror stories? You wouldn't believe what I had to go through when Lois was pregnant.
Lois: [Vomiting]
[Theme from Three's Company on TV]
Lois: [Vomiting continues]
[Volume increases on TV]
Miss Watson: Women are conditioned to feel competitive with each other when we should be supportive. Lizzie, I know you feel alone and unattractive since your husband left you. But you are a beautiful person, and I am here for you. Notice I'm making physical contact with her in order to establish a connection.
Peter: I think you'd make even more of a connection if you hugged her, too.
Miss Watson: Very good, Peter. That's true.
Peter: That's it. Now rub her back. Okay, that's good. Yeah, yeah, comfort her. Yeah, oh yeah, you like that, don't you? Yeah, it's okay. It's okay to like it. It's very natural. Okay, good. Good. Now smell her a little.
[Cheerful instrumental music]
Woman: I can't do it!
Miss Watson: Yes, you can! Trust your sisters! Jump into the trust quilt!
All: Jump! Jump! Trust us! We love you! We'll catch you!
Miss Watson: Wonderful.
Peter: Okay! Me next! Me next! Okay, ladies. I'm gonna start with a Greg Louganis triple-salchow and tuck into a flying Mary Lou Retton half-calf. [Screaming]
Miss Watson: Now that you've felt a woman's pain, the learning can begin.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
[Two Weeks Later]
Women: Bye!
Lois: Welcome back, Peter.
Peter: Lois! I missed you so much! And my babies! Chris, be a munchkin, and bring my bags inside, huh?
Brian: Peter, you're...
Peter: Brian, put the tea on. I have stories. But first, I'm gonna go freshen up and rinse out a few things. Oh, fudge. I broke a nail. Excuse me.
Chris: Oh, my God. Dad's a chick.
Lois: I can't remember the last time we cuddled like this.
Peter: I can't remember the last time I loved you so much!
Lois: How did you get so sweet?
Peter: When I was born, my mommy dunked me in a barrel of sugar.
Brian: Oh, for God's sake!
Stewie: Oh, yes, I'll have the coffee cake.
[Phone ringing]
Quagmire: Hello?
Peter: Hey, Quagmire.
Quagmire: Hey, Peter. What's up?
Peter: Not much.
Quagmire: Well, what do you want?
Peter: Nothin'. I'm just calling to talk. Whatcha thinking about?
Quagmire: What do you mean, what am I thinking about? You called me!
Peter: I just wanted to say hi. So, what are you...
[nursery]
Peter: Sometimes I just can't believe we could make something so beautiful.
Lois: He looks just like his father.
Peter: I really appreciate all the hard work you did giving birth and mothering our kids. I'll never know that joy.
Lois: Peter, I'm sure you would've been a great mother if you had the chance.
Peter: You think so?
Lois: I know so.
Stewie: [Suckling] [Suckling] [shuddering] [Choking and gagging]
Lois: You know, one of these days, I'm gonna need the mirror.
Peter: Oh, beans! I can't get this spit curl to.... Lois, what day is it?
Lois: Thursday.
Peter: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm late!
Lois: If you spent less time fixing your hair...
Peter: No, Lois. I'm "late" late! Do we still have that pregnancy test?
Lois: Are you insane? You can't have a baby!
Peter: Well, I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic! God, I thought you'd be happy!
[kitchen]
Peter: Oh! Oh, this is just great! Now my own wife is forced to cook dinner for her lousy husband?
Lois: Peter, you're my husband! At least you used to be.
Stewie: Oh, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster.
Lois: Meg, can you change Stewie?
Meg: Fine. But this time, if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopie.
Lois: Honey, I'm glad you discovered your feminine side. But I didn't want you to forget about mine. Remember this? Remember?
Peter: Oh, my God! That reminds me! I gotta give myself a breast exam. Uh-oh. Uh-oh! A lump! A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God! Nope, Cheeto.
[Doorbell ringing]
Quagmire: Lois! How expected.
Lois: Hi, Glenn. I'm sorry to bother you. Is this a bad time?
Quagmire: Never a bad time when you're with the Q-Man. Come on in.
Lois: Well, as you may have noticed, Peter's been acting a little different lately. It was refreshing at first.
But now...well, he doesn't even treat me like a woman anymore.
Quagmire: I know where this is going, Lois! And I'm already semi-there. Oh!
[Jazz music playing on turntable]
Lois: Anyways, Glenn, I was wondering if you and Cleveland could help change Peter back to the way he was.
Quagmire: Of course that's why you're here!
[needle scratching on record]
Quagmire: Don't worry, Lois. I'd do everything to you.
Lois: What?
Quagmire: I'd do anything for you.
[Million Man March]
Quagmire: Come on, Cleveland. If we're gonna re-masculate Peter, we need to surround him with chicks! Let's blow this sausage fest and hit the International House of Tail.
Cleveland: No. He needs to learn how to respect his fellow man. That's what this march is all about. Respect for your fellow man.
Peter: I can't respect men. Men are the reason our world is in such lousy shape. If men were as caring as women, we wouldn't have crime or violence.
Jesse Jackson: My brothers, we need to stand together...
Peter: Excuse me! I'd like to say a couple of truths to the men in this audience. It's your fault we have so much crime in this country! And it's your fault we have so much violence in this country! You are ruining our society, and you should be ashamed!
[Angry mob yelling]
Peter: Look, I don't care how many letters we gotta write. "The View" should be on for three hours. I mean, you just get going, and boom, it's News at Noon.
Lois: Can we go soon?
Peter: Not yet. Gloria Ironbox and Camille Paglia are gonna see whose is bigger.
Gloria Ironbox: Peter, I'm so glad you could make it.
Peter: Gloria, this is my life partner, Lois.
Lois: I'm his wife.
Gloria Ironbox: His "wife." Yes. Peter tells me you don't have a career of your own.
Lois: Oh, no. Life outside my kitchen is so bright and scary. I'm just here because you caught me between pregnancies.
Gloria Ironbox: Well, I'm sorry you're so hostile toward someone who's fighting so a woman like you can become more than just a housewife.
Lois: Oh, just a housewife? Look, I'm all for equality but if you ask me, feminism is about choice. I choose to be a wife and mother. And now I'm choosing to end this conversation.
Gloria Ironbox: No wonder your husband didn't respect women.
Lois: Excuse me?
Gloria Ironbox: I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be.
Lois: You bitch!
Chef: Ten banana-cream pies!
Peter: Holy crap! This is hot! Lois, we gotta go!
[bedroom]
Lois: That was wonderful.
Peter: Who said that? Oh, hi, Lois. I'm starving. How about a sandwich?
Lois: Glad to have you back, Peter.
Peter: Lois, less talkie, more fetchie.
Lois: I'm just gonna assume that's Chinese for "I love you."
[Theme from Three's Company on TV]
[closing theme music]