The King is Dead

Theme Song
Tom Tucker: It was a moving scene today at Hatch Pond as six members of the Pawtucket fire department struggled valiantly to save the life of a fish, trapped under the frozen ice. Rescue workers managed to get the fish out of the water, but unfortunately it died shortly after. Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well, Tom, another life was tragically cut short today. Robert Kimble, founder of a local theater group known as the Quahog Players, passed away this afternoon.
Lois: Oh, my God!
[Phone ringing]
Diane Simmons: Kimble was a hands-on director who often appeared in his own shows, most recently, Miss Saigon.
Robert Kimble: ?La la la la la, Miss Saigon ? ? La la la la la, Miss Saigon?
Lois: Yes, I just heard. It's so sad. Really? They want me to be the new artistic director of the Quahog Players!
Chris: All right, Mom!
Meg: Are you gonna do it?
Lois: I don't know. It's such a big responsibility. I need a moment to think. [pause] Okay, I'll do it.
Tom Tucker: This just in: Lois Griffin is named the new artistic director of the Quahog Players.
Lois: All those years of paying my dues as musical director under that old hack have finally paid off.
Brian: Oh, Lois, congratulations! Our little theater group finally has a committed visionary at its helm. And such an attractive one.
Lois: Brian, you'll have to audition just like everyone else.
Brian: Oh, God, of course. I...you didn't think...you thought I was...Lois!
Chris: I can paint scenery.
Meg: Can I be in the show, Mom?
Stewie: Yes, you can be the dumpy teenager who stays backstage and cries because nobody finds her attractive. [vicious laughing]
Peter: Hey, you guys.
Lois: Peter, guess what? I am gonna...
Peter: Me first! Mr. Weed said whoever comes up with the best idea for the big Christmas toy this year gets a huge bonus.
Chris: Hey, Dad, why don't you invent the Frisbee? That's an awesome toy.
Meg: It's already been invented.
Chris: Then how come I never heard of it?
Peter: This is my chance to prove how valuable I am to the company! Sorry, Lois. What's your news?
Lois: Well, I-
Peter: Mr. Weed, distinguished members of the board, may I present this year's hottest toy...Mr. Zucchini Head. He's got stupid cool hip-hop style with his little hat and his Doc Martens.
Mr. Weed: Thank you, Peter, that's enough.
Peter: Wait, wait, wait. This is the best part! He dances!
Man 1: I've seen enough.
Man 2: Inappropriate.
Man 3: I haven't had sex in four years.
Mr. Weed: Gentlemen, I apologize for wasting your time. Peter is an adequate assembly-line worker but you'll be happy to know our company does not pay him to think. [Laughing]
Peter: [Nervous laughter]
Mr. Weed: I'll take this. No calls.
Lois: Come on, kids! The director can't be late for the auditions.
Peter: You should've heard them laughing at me, Lois. I got great ideas, but they look at me, and all they see is a loser. Except that guy with the lazy eye. He sees a loser and the snack machine.
Lois: Peter, a lot of creative people had mindless jobs. Michelangelo worked in a marble quarry. Herman Melville was a customs agent. Albert Einstein worked for the patent office.
Albert Einstein: And what is it you want to patent, Herr Smith?
Smith: I call it "Smith's Theory of Relativity."
Albert Einstein: Hey, look at this.
Smith: What?
Brian: I think what Lois is tying to say is you have to find a way to express yourself creatively. For example, Chris has his drawing, Meg does her birdcalls, I sing-beautifully.
Lois: So I've heard.
Brian: And Lois has her theater group.
Lois: Yes. And for my first production, I've chosen The King and I. It's a wonderful story about a loving, patient woman who introduces culture and civility to a barbaric, patriarchal...Peter, please don't wipe your nose on the couch. Look, I have to go. Part of being creative is figuring out what you're good at. I know you can do it if you put your mind to it.
Peter: You're right, Lois. Man was meant to create. That's why God invented Shrinky Dinks.
God: It works! Look how tiny they are! Oof!
[Sweeping instrumental music]
Brian: ?Oh, no not in springtime ? ? summer, winter, or fall ? ? No, never would I leave you ? ?at all ?
Joe: Bravo!
Lois: Brian, that was beautiful! Thank you!
Brian: No, no, no, thank you. And that note you gave me, "louder," I was thinking that, and then you said it-
Lois: -okay-
Brian: -you're so intuitive. It's a pleasure...
Lois: Okay. All right. Next! Stewie, do you want to try out for Mommy's play?
Stewie: "Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this sun of York. And all..."
Lois: Why don't you sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider"?
Stewie: How dare you reduce my finely hewn thespian stylings to mere Mother Gooseries!
Lois: Oh, sing "Baa Baa Black Sheep"!
Stewie: You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said: "I'm going to kill you!"
Peter: Hey, can somebody give me a hand with all this talent?
Lois: Peter, what are you doing here?
Peter: Well, Lois, I tried finding my creativity, like you said. First I took an art class.
[Peter in art class, with male nude model]
Peter: Am I supposed to draw the penis?
[back with Lois]
Peter: Then I tried sculpting.
[Peter in sculpture class, with male nude model]
Peter: Am I supposed to sculpt the penis?
[back with Lois]
Peter: Then I tried music.
[Peter conducting musicians]
Peter: Am I supposed to conduct with my penis?
[back with Lois]
Peter: I was starting to think there was nothing I'd be good at. But then I realized that this is it. Lois, my penis belongs on stage.
Lois: Wait, Peter, everyone has to audition. You know, sing, dance.
Peter: [Laughs] I get it.
[Peter gets on stage]
Peter: Hello, everybody. This is just a formality, since I happen to be doing the director. [Laughs] Five, six, seven, eight.
Peter: [out of tune] ?Marshall, Will, and Holly, on a routine expedition ? ? Met the greatest earthquake ever known ? ? High on the rapids, it struck their tiny raft ? [Yells] ? And plunged them down a thousand feet below ? ? to the Land of the Lost? [Growls]
Lois: Before I post the cast list, my choreographer and I want to thank everyone for auditioning.
Joe: You were all great.
Lois: Weren't they? I only wish the show was called "The King and Us" so I could cast you all.
Brian: [kiss-up laughing]
Loretta: Anna! Oh, baby, baby! I'm a star!
Cleveland: Wow. I've never hugged a celebrity before. Except for Pearl Bailey at a book signing once, but then we later found out it wasn't actually her.
Stewie: Siamese baby? Stewie Griffin does not play bit parts!
Lois: Oh, you wanted a bigger part, didn't you, sweetie?
Stewie: Oh, to hell with you! Perhaps I'll skip the stage and go directly to films!
[Title card: "There's Something About Stewie"]
Ben Stiller: Hello.
Stewie: What is that on your ear? Is that-is that hair gel?
Ben Stiller: Yeah.
Stewie: Great, 'cause I could use some.
Ben Stiller: No, don't!
Stewie: I just ran out.
Ben Stiller: [Sighing]
Quagmire: Aw, man! Chorus! Shoot, what a gyp!
Brian: The King of Siam? Why, why, that's the lead! This is so unexpected!
Quagmire: Hey, shut up!
Brian: The King of Siam? Why, why, that's the lead!
Peter: Lois, I think you made a mistake. I'm not "The King." I'm not "I," I'm not anybody. So, what? I had sex with you for nothing?
Lois: No, Peter, I.... It's just that directing this show is a big opportunity for me and I don't want anything to ruin it.
Peter: Ruin it?
Lois: Yes. By not using you to your full potential. You have too much talent for the stage. You should...[stuttering]...you should be a producer.
Peter: A producer? Gee, I don't know.
[Peter in robe poolside]
Peter: Great news, Edgar Bronfman, Jr. We made the deal. We're richer and more powerful than ever! I'm the king of the wor-[screams]-damn it!
[Mexican dinner music playing]
Mexican man: [Spanish] Who is this?
Mexican woman: [Spanish] He's the answer to my prayers!
Mexican man: [Spanish] Why?
[back at theater]
Peter: I love Mexicans. I'll do it!
[Piano playing "King and I" music]
Joe: Hang on, hang on, hang on! You overextended the plié! You screwed it all up. Let me show you again. Okay, boys! Let's do it! And one, two, three. And one, two, three. And just like this. And watch my feet. And one, two, three.
Lois: Peter, Chris says you told him to build a set for the North Pole.
Peter: Yeah, that's where Anna goes to talk with her best friend, a penguin.
Lois: There is no talking penguin in The King and I.
Peter: There is in "Peter Griffin presents The King and I."
Lois: What?
Peter: Now we just gotta think of some wicked funny stuff for him to say.
Lois: Peter, the director decides whether or not to add a character. You're the producer, remember?
Peter: What am I supposed to do with all my great ideas? Put 'em in a tub and clean myself with them? 'Cause that's what soap is for, Lois.
Lois: Good producers put their ideas to work outside the theater. It's your job to make sure we sell every seat in this house.
Peter: And that's creative?
Lois: Is it? Well, it's just the most creative job there is.
Peter: Don't you worry, Lois. I'll get the word out. I'll tell two friends, and they'll tell two friends and that's, like, 10 people right there.
Tom Tucker: [to self in mirror] Hey, I recognize you from the television. You're Tom Tucker. I bet you can do this.
Peter: Excuse me?
Tom Tucker: You. Get out of here! Get out of here! Go on, get out of here!
Peter: Oh, wow! Diane Simmons!
Diane Simmons: You don't look anything like the ad. You better be huge.
Peter: No, I'm Peter Griffin, producer. I'm presenting "Peter Griffin presents "The King and I" a Peter Griffin production, and I'm giving you the exclusive story.
Diane Simmons: Look, pal, some two-bit community theater production isn't news. Who's the star? For that matter, who the hell are you, and why should I give a damn?
Peter: Wow, I'm being interviewed by Diane Simmons!
Peter: Well, Lois, you told me to produce, and I did. I got us a story on the 11:00 news.
Brian: Really?
Lois: Oh, Peter!
Diane Simmons: Our top story tonight. I will be playing the role of Anna in the Quahog Players production of The King and I. Tom?
Tom Tucker: Thanks, Diane. In other news, I won't be going to the play because I'm sure it will be lousy.
Diane Simmons: Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous, closet case.
Tom Tucker: Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?
Lois: But Loretta's playing Anna, and she's doing a great job.
Peter: Loretta's a nobody. Diane Simmons is a star. Look, Lois, you wanted me to sell tickets, right? Well, people who've never even been in a theater will come see a show with Diane Simmons.
Lois: I don't know, Peter, she's a news reporter.
Peter: Hey, hey, some of our greatest actors started in news, like Sean Penn.
Sean Penn: Today's weather calls for breezy skies and sun, and there's gonna be a...get that [bleep]ing camera out of my face!
Peter: Hey, everybody, here's our star!
Diane Simmons: Oh, this is so awkward. You all know my name, and I've never heard of any of you.
Loretta: You ever acted before, honey?
Diane Simmons: Well, I did an independent film in college.
[Melancholic instrumental music]
Lois: Let's start with the scene where Lady Thiang begs Anna to comfort the king.
Diane Simmons: Oh, are you playing Lady Thiang?
Loretta: Mmm-hmm. I was supposed to be Anna.
Diane Simmons: Oh. Well, they did an all-you-people version of Hello, Dolly that was very successful.
Lois: Okay, let's go from the top of Scene 7. Action!
Loretta: "Oh, Mrs. Anna, the king needs you. You must go to him."
Diane Simmons: "Lady Thiang, if he needs me, truly needs me, I will go to him."
Peter: Cut! All wrong! No good!
Lois: Peter, what are you doing? She was wonderful.
Loretta: My ass.
Lois: Besides, I'm the director.
Peter: It just doesn't feel real, you know? Anna and Miss Thing both love the king, right? On Springer yesterday, they had "I won't share my husband" and these two women bitch-slapped each other. The crowd went nuts. Loretta, why don't you try slapping Diane?
Loretta: I think I can do that.
Lois: Wait a minute. Nobody's slapping anybody. This is Rodgers and Hammerstein, not trash TV!
Diane Simmons: I think Peter may be onto something. Springer is one of our station's highest-rated shows.
Lois: I don't know.
Peter: I thought you wanted to do a good show? If you want to do a bad show, why don't we just do Rent?
Lois: I guess we can try that...
Loretta: Action!
Peter: Come on, Lois. Those hoop skirts make Diane look a little hippy, you know? I was thinking we could dress her in a pair of sequined capri pants.
Lois: Peter, they didn't have capri pants in the 1860s.
Peter: They did now! Ah!
Stewie: You! You are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber! And you! Well, I just plain don't like you.
ALL: [Laughing]
Lois: What's going on?
Peter: We're just having a little pow-wow to discuss my latest changes.
Lois: What changes?
Peter: The Siamese children. How about this? They're not children. They're aliens!
Quagmire: That was great, Peter.
Brian: Right on the money.
Diane Simmons: Isn't he brilliant?
Lois: No! He's not brilliant! Rodgers and Hammerstein were brilliant! And I want to do the show they wrote! We're not making any more changes!
Meg: We sold out!
Chris: Yeah. The whole town's talking about your show, Dad!
ALL: [Cheering]
Lois: Your show? Peter, this is my show!
Peter: What's the big deal? You wanted to sell out, and we did.
Lois: I am through selling out. I took this job because I wanted to create something beautiful and you've completely destroyed that! You want to be the director? Fine! I quit!
Peter: Me, direct? I don't know what to say, except, "I'm the king of the wor-" Ah!
[kitchen]
Peter: Morning, theater fans!
Lois: Good morning, Peter. I made your favorite breakfast.
Peter: What the hell is this?
Lois: French toast. I just made a few creative changes to the recipe. I think it's a lot better now.
Peter: Lois, if this is your idea of a joke, you must write for Leno.
Stewie: Oh, oh! You know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. Look, the fact is the man is out there every bloody night with fresh material and he's charming.
Peter: Face it, Lois, you're just jealous because people like my ideas better than yours.
Lois: I don't care if the whole world loves your ideas. That doesn't make them good. I was trying to make art.
Peter: Oh, art-schmart. Put enough monkeys in a room with a typewriter they'll produce Shakespeare.
Monkey 1: Uh, let's see. "A 'something' by any other name..."
Monkey 2: "Carnation," "peony."
Monkey 3: No, they did that on last week's Marlowe.
Monkey 4: What about "daisy"?
Monkey 5: "Chrysanthemum"!
Monkey 2: "Iris," "rose"? What about "rose"?
Monkey 1: Did you say "rose"?
Monkey 4: Yeah, "rose." "Rose" is good!
Monkey 1: "A rose by any other name." That works.
Monkey 4: I like that a lot.
Monkey 1: Moving on.
Monkey 5: Hey, what about "tulip"?
Monkey 1: "Rose" is fine. Moving on.
Lois: Peter, you've never done a creative thing in your life!
Peter: That's not true. I wrote "Bonfire of the Vanities."
Lois: No, you didn't.
Peter: You win this round, Lois.
Lois: You're not being creative. You're just destroying a wonderful show.
Peter: Hey, I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9:00 a.m.
Lois: The only thing you create before 9:00 a.m. is exactly what you've turned my show into.
Peter: I think my work will speak for itself. Oh, ha-ha, I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois.
[on stage]
Peter: Okay, let's run this scene again. Now, remember, Diane, you're playing Anna, a steel-town girl on a Saturday night looking for the fight of her life.
Diane Simmons: Where does it say that?
Peter: In my noodle. Okay, places. And action!
[quasi-Flashdance music playing]
Peter: Stop! All wrong! All wrong! God, send me dancers.
Diane Simmons: We've been rehearsing for hours. I'm exhausted!
Peter: Well, I'm sorry, but we open this show in three hours and I don't think we're ready!
Diane Simmons: Of course we're not! You keep changing everything!
Peter: You bet I do! Because theater is alive. It's a living, breathing creature with wants and needs and you're not man enough to satisfy her!
Diane Simmons: I can't work this way. I quit!
Peter: Fine.
Joe: We can't do The King and I without Anna.
Quagmire: Yeah. This is a real snafu.
Peter: We don't need Diane Simmons. We've had someone better all along. Someone radiant and sassy, with the soul and passion that can only come from hundreds of years of black oppression.
Loretta: Thank you, Peter. I'll do it.
Peter: Get over yourself. I was talking about me.
Brian: Su-su-sudio. Su-su-sudio.
Stagehand: Two minutes, everybody. Two minutes.
Brian: Fe-fe-fo-fo.
Peter: Jeez, full house. Well, well, look who came crawling back.
Joe: Peter, have you seen my wheelchair?
Chris: I don't get it, Mom. If you're mad at Dad for wrecking your show, why'd you come to opening night?
Lois: I came because I love the theater. I mean, if I just came here to enjoy watching your father be humiliated when this asinine spectacle of his is ridiculed by everyone in town what kind of person would I be?
Chris: A bitch.
Peter: [voiceover] Siam, 2015 AD. The city lies in ruins after the ninth nuclear World War. It is a grim future with lots of explosions and partial nudity. A future where an oppressive new king has seized power. Only one man can stop him. No-one machine.
Peter: I am an Automaton Nuclear Neo-human Android. You may call me ANNA. I am a robot ninja from the planet England who is here to destroy you and free this land from your tyranny.
Brian: I have been expecting you, ANNA. Allow me to introduce my Siamese children.
[Sultry instrumental music]
Peter: I will not be swayed by your attempts to confuse my programming with your all-female sex orgy. We must kung fu fight!
Brian: So be it, ANNA.
[Kung fu fighting noises]
Peter: I have slain the evil emperor. I hereby proclaim Siam the United States of America.
ALL: ?ANNA rules!?
Peter: ?'Cause I kicked all the bad guys in their jewels!?
ALL: ?ANNA won!?
Peter: ?Thanks to my gamma-ray atomic gun!?
ALL: ?Dance and shout ? ? He's the world's greatest ninja, there's no doubt?
Peter: ?Though they tried to defeat me ? ? they can all just freakin' eat me?
Brian: ?Because he blew all of us away?
ALL: ?In the planet of Siam, there's no one as tough as I am?
Peter: ?Just as surely as Paul Lynde was gay?
[Heroic instrumental music] [Crowd cheering]
Lois: Oh, my God! They liked it? Stop it! Stop clapping right now! What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged! They should be punished! That man has committed murder here this evening, and the victim's name is "theater." This is the kind of mind-numbing schlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland! This isn't art! This isn't even entertainment! This...blows!
[Gasps]
Peter: Uh...[Farting] [Continues farting]
[Laughing] [Cheering]
Lois: See? This is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about.
[Griffin bedroom]
Lois: How was the cast party?
Peter: We're a hit. Man, what a night. I got to see my ideas come to life. It's the greatest feeling in the world.
Lois: Yeah, I bet it is.
Peter: And it's all thanks to you. I never would've discovered I could be creative if you hadn't believed in me.
Lois: Well, actually I didn't, really, not at first. But anyone who could take The King and I and turn it into that is...well, he's gotta be creative.
Peter: Yeah, Lois, sorry I took your show away from you. But I'll do whatever it takes to make sure you get your chance next year. It'll be "Peter Griffin presents a Lois Griffin production." Okay, honey?
Lois: Deal.
Peter: [chuckling] Hey, were you there when I farted?
[closing theme music]