Death is a Bitch

Theme Song
[Crickets chirping]
Morley Safer: I'm Morley Safer.
Mike Wallace: I'm Mike Wallace.
Ed Bradley: I'm Ed Bradley.
Lesley Stahl: I'm Lesley Stahl. And one of you is hung like an elf.
Lois: [Laughing] I feel so naughty.
Peter: Lois, what are you doing? Neither of us is drunk.
Lois: [Giggling]
Peter: Knock it off!
Lois: Oh, my God! I found a lump! A breast lump!
Peter: [screaming]
Lois: The important thing is to stay calm. It's probably nothing, honey.
Peter: That's easy for you to say. You get to keep both your cans.
Lois: Peter, don't talk like that! You'll see a doctor tomorrow and...
Peter: Oh, no, no, no. I'm not gonna see a doctor, Lois. The healthiest thing we can do is just ignore this and pretend it doesn't exist. Just like we do with the squid.
Lois: Earthquake.
Peter: Truck going by.
[front walk]
Peter: I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna be fine. Nothing to worry about.
[black cat hisses]
[black vulture screeches]
Black man: Morning.
Peter: Ah!
[at health care center]
Peter: Give it to me straight, Doc. How long do I have?
Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, I'd say you have about a month to live. But hey, what the hell do I know? I've been sued by every patient I ever had. Look at the size of this file. This is...wow. Let's just wait for the test results.
Lois: Finish up, honey. Then I'll put you down for a nice nap.
Stewie: No. No! I shall put you down for a nap, Mother! Blast!
Lois: I'm so worried about your father.
Chris: You mean because he's a borderline alcoholic?
Lois: No. Mommy's made peace with that.
Chris: Oh. 'Cause he's got a lump on his boobie.
Lois: Chris, that's a terrible word, "boobie."
Meg: Mom, Debbie Miller's dad had a lump on his breast, and he turned out okay.
Lois: Really? Who's Debbie Miller?
Meg: A girl I just made up.
Peter: Oh, look. There they are-my family. You know, guys, I don't say this often enough, but, uh, I'm gonna die.
Lois: Oh, my God.
Stewie: High five! Anyone? Anyone?
Chris: You can't die! Who's gonna take me to the Father-Son dance?
Peter: Listen, I've had a good life. And you can always be proud of your father and all of his accomplishments.
Meg: What accomplishments?
Peter: Go to your room.
Lois: Peter, there's no way you could die. You're the most important character in this family.
[Somber music playing]
Peter: I'll take this one. But I won't pay a cent over $60.
Salesman: Sir, that casket costs $1,000.
Peter: Okay, $70.
Salesman: What?
Peter: $2,000.
Salesman: That's twice what it costs!
Peter: $40.
Salesman: What?
Brian: He doesn't know how to haggle.
Lois: Peter, what's going on?
Peter: I'm selling all my worldly goods, so you'll have some cash when I'm dead. Yeah, a lot of memories here. Look, my first bike. Boy, I had so much fun playing with that.
[child Peter]
Peter: More tea, Mr. Bike?
Lois: Peter, this is ridiculous. You're going to be fine.
Meg: Dad, the doctor called. Your test results are in.
Dr. Hartman: This doesn't look very good. No, this doesn't look very good at all. My nephew drew my portrait. It doesn't look a thing like me. Look at the nose. It's all, all...
Lois: Will you just tell us about Peter's tests?
Dr. Hartman: Okay, okay!. Mr. Griffin, all your tests came back negative. As it turns out, the lump on your chest was just a fatty corpuscle.
Peter: Fatty corpuscle? Wait a minute. How the hell can a dead comedian from the silent movie era be lodged in my left bosom?
Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, I'm saying you're fine.
Peter: I'm fine? What, are you coming on to me now?
Lois: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you that you're healthy.
Dr. Hartman: Can't it be both?
Lois: [Kissing] My sweetie is okay.
Peter: Better than okay, Lois. From now on, I'm gonna appreciate all the little things in life, like you and the
kids. Is this the price of my bill or my phone number?
Clerk: Your phone number.
Peter: Oh. [Sheepish laughter] Well, it's still pretty pricey!
Lois: Peter, who cares how much the bill is? You've just got the most important bill of all, a clean bill of health.
Peter: Jeez, Lois. How long you been waiting to crack out that gem? Aw, this sucks, Brian. Why should I have to pay this? There's nothing wrong with me.
Brian: Yeah, it's a shame you're not dying.
Peter: Wait a second. That's it! They can't make a dead guy pay his bill. All I gotta do is write "deceased" right here where it says "name." And where it says "sex," I'll write, "No, thanks. I'm dead." It's bulletproof.
[Crickets chirping]
Stewie: But you promised the fat one would perish.
Lois: I know. Isn't it wonderful, honey? Your father is alive and well and we can be a family for a good long... [Knocking]
Peter: Who are you?
Death: I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm Death. Which one of you is Peter Griffin?
Peter: Uh, he is.
Death: Come on, man. Which one of you is Peter Griffn?
Peter: This is Peter Griffin.
Death: [Laughing] Hey, that's a good one. [Continues laughing]
Lois: Why are you...
Death: No, wait. I'm not finished holding my sides. [Continues laughing]
Lois: Why are...
Death: [Continues laughing]
Lois: Why...
Death: [Continues laughing]
Lois: Why are you here? The doctor said Peter was okay.
Death: Oh, the doctor! Well, I guess he must know, right? I mean, he's a doctor and everything, and I'm just Death!
Stewie: Excuse me. Hello! I'm Stewie. Big fan.
Peter: Look, Death, you made a mistake. I'm not really supposed to be dead.
Death: I made a mistake, huh? Then what do you call this?
Lois: Peter, is that your handwriting?
Peter: [Nervous laughter] How did you get that?
Death: It was emailed to me by your HMO.
Peter: Look, I know my doctor was hitting on me, but you don't have to call him names.
Lois: I don't care what that says! You can't take my husband!
Stewie: Mother! Where are your manners? Don't argue with our guest! Won't you join us for dinner, Death?
Death: Oh, no. I don't want to impose. Hey, is that turkey?
Lois: Yes, Death. We were in the middle of a turkey dinner-to celebrate Peter's good health.
Death: Oh, do you mind?
Stewie: Mind? Of course she wouldn't mind. It would be an honor. No, no, no, no, it would be a privilege. I-oh, dear. Listen to me prattling on like a schoolgirl. Come, come. You, heat up some gravy for our guest! My last helping of white meat was drier than Oscar Wilde.
Meg: Ew. How did you do that?
Death: Oh. Well, let's just say, when I was younger I did some films I'm not...particularly proud of. Well, that does it for me. Let's go, Peter.
Lois: Wait! You can't go. After dinner, we usually go into the living room and live for another 40 or 50 years.
Death: 40 or ...[Laughing] Let's go.
Peter: I guess this is good-bye. Meg, you're the man of the family now. Be strong.
Meg: Oh, Daddy.
Peter: Stewie, I guess I'm not gonna be here to see you become a man.
Stewie: Yes. I think we all know what that's going to be like.
[flash to middle-aged Stewie]
Stewie: A 20-minute call to Larchmont!? Who do we know in Larchmont?
Stewie's Wife: My sister-in-law.
Stewie: Oh, yes, right. Right. Carol. Yes. That's right. How is Carol?
Peter: Brian.
Brian: Oh, God.
Chris: Daddy, can I come with you?
Peter: Ask your mother.
Lois: No, you can't go with him! Oh, Peter.
Peter: Lois.
All: [Crying]
Death: Okay, okay, that's good. Come on now.
Peter: Hey, Death, you got a file on me?
Death: Yeah, somewhere, it's in the car, I think.
Peter: Does it mention that I ran two weeks of Junior Varsity track?
Death: Oh, let's not do this. Hey, look, I caught Flo Jo. You don't think I can catch you? [Screaming] My ankle! Yeah, listen, don't help or anything. I'm totally fine. Damn Irish.
[back in house]
Death: Yeah. That felt good, dropping me hard on the couch like that.
Lois: Here's a couple of Tylenol.
Death: Oh, great, Tylenol. Yeah, I asked for Advil. But, you know, Tylenol, whatever. That's good.
Meg: I got a B-plus in Health. Is there anything I can do?
Death: Yeah! Why don't you boil some water and rip up some sheets there, Einstein. It's a sprained ankle. I just have to stay off it for a few days.
Peter: W-w-wait. You can't stay here.
Death: Why not?
Peter: You're trying to kill me! Besides, how are we supposed to explain you to Mr. Roper?
Lois: Oh, it's okay, Death. You just worry about feeling better.
Peter: Lois, what the hell are you doing?
Lois: Peter, don't you see? As long as he's here, you can't die.
Peter: Go on.
Lois: That's it.
Peter: Wait a minute. So no matter what I do, I won't die? Hey, uh, make yourself at home, Death. I'm going out for a while.
Death: Hey, way, wait. You can't tell anyone I'm here. For if humanity discovers I'm no longer lurking in the shadows, consequences will be dire.
Peter: Go on.
Death: That's it. What the hell do you see in him?
Lois: Peter, where are you going?
Peter: Lois, 10 minutes ago, I was staring Death in the face. But now that I've been given another chance I'm gonna do the one thing I've always dreamed of doing.
[Peter on top of building]
Peter: I'm gonna jump off this building.
Cleveland: Could you repeat that, please, Peter? I believe I had something crazy in my ear.
Quagmire: Hold the phone. You took me away from a Swedish girlie-girl and her paralyzed, but trusting, cousin for this?
Peter: $1,000 says I live.
Quagmire: 1,000 clams, huh?
Cleveland: What the hell?
Quagmire: Okay.
Peter: Look at that. I beat my loogie.
Quagmire & Cleveland: [Grumbling]
Lois: It's your turn, Death.
Death: You know, I know I should find this ironic, but really, I'm just bored as hell. Hey, how old is this TV? You can probably getthe DuMont Network on this thing.
Lois: You know, Peter is a good man and a wonderful father.
Death: Here it comes.
Lois: Could you please find it in your heart to spare him? After all, it isn't really his time.
Death: What did you make this cocoa out of, crap?
Lois: If you want me to make it again, I...
Death: Sorry, Lois, it's my fault. I just assumed you were gonna make it with milk, not crap!
Lois: I'll be right back.
Meg: I brought you something to read.
Death: Glamour, great. I can learn how to please my man. Go get me an Entertainment Weekly. I hear it's got a great picture of me sneaking up on Tom Snyder.
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Lois: [Screaming]
[Saw buzzing]
Stewie: Victory is mine!
Lois: Wow. I should really watch where I'm going.
Stewie: What the deuce? Of course! It seems with Death incapacitated, my matricidal efforts are futile. I must do all I can to accelerate his convalescence. "Knick-knack paddywhack, give a dog a bone"
Cleveland: I can't believe you drank 300 bottles of beer without succumbing to alcohol poisoning. Peter, are you a witch?
Peter: Yeah. But don't tell anyone. The consequences could be dire! Hey, you guys, I bet I can go up to each one of those scary-looking bikers and say: "Hey, aren't you Richard Simmons?"
Quagmire: Peter, no!
Cleveland: Peter, now you're just being brainless.
Peter: Hey, aren't you Richard Simmons?
Biker 1: Hey!
Peter: Aren't you Richard Simmons' best friend, Richard Simmons?
Biker 2: Shut up!
Peter: [Laughing]
[gunfire]
Cleveland: Hey.
[Everyone laughing]
Death: Ah, that feels good. You know, actually, kid, I kind of fell into this gig. You know, I really wanted to be a wood nymph. But, man, the second Dad found out, he started in with the whole: "I have no son. I have no son," and Mom...Mom just stood there.
Stewie: Yes. Mothers can be quite the botheration, can't they? That's why we've got to get you well.
Death: What was that?
Stewie: Nothing!
Lois: Stewie, leave Death alone.
Death: He's okay. You know, he reminds me a lot of me at that age. I hope his teen years go better than mine. Boy, talk about awkward.
[car rocking on beach]
Girl: Oh. Oh, yes.
Death: Oh, Sandy! Sandy! Sandy? Oh, not again. I'm gonna be a virgin forever. Or am I?
Lois: Can we please talk about Peter? He has so much to live for, Death. He loves his children and me...
Death: Okay, okay. I'll spare his life. But you owe me, if you get my drift. What the hell are you doing? I was talking about another fruit cup. Not bad, though.
Lois: Peter, Death just agreed to let you live.
Peter: Oh, man. This really is my night. I get to live, and I'm on TV.
Tom Tucker: Our top story tonight, the rules of Death no longer apply.
Diane Simmons: That's right, Tom. Our own Asian reporter, Tricia Takanawa, filed this report, all by herself!
Tricia Takanawa: I'm here with Peter Griffin, the man who claims he withstood a barrage of bullets and did not die. Peter, are you saying that if I shoot you in the head with this Channel 5 pistol, you'll be completely unharmed?
Peter: Why don't you give it a shot?
Tricia Takanawa: Okay, here goes.
Peter: [Screaming]
Tricia Takanawa: What have I done?
Peter: [Laughing]
Tricia Takanawa: Oh, you're awful.
Diane Simmons: Fascinating story, Tom.
Tom Tucker: It sure is, Diane. And since the laws of Death no longer apply, I can do this.
Diane Simmons: That's right, Tom.
Tom Tucker: Ha-ha! And now it's time for sports.
Death: Great. The whole world is laughing at me. This is high school all over again. Well, I'll show them! I'll show all of them! Oh, my God, that hurts!
Lois: Oh, no. You're not killing anyone tonight, mister! Not on that ankle.
Death: This is all your fault. And there's only one solution. You have to go out there and do my job. You have to be Death!
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Peter: Boy, this doesn't leave much to the imagination, does it?h
Lois: Death, there is no way Peter can do your job. He could never kill anyone.
Peter: Yeah! I mean, you know, I've thought about it, like in church and stuff, but I don't think I could ever do what you do.
Death: Why, you think you're better than me? I'm tired of always being the bad guy. What I do has to be done.
Brian: He's right, Peter. You've disturbed the natural order of things. People need to be able to die.
[Sentimental instrumental music a la "Titanic"]
Kate Winslet: No!
Leonardo DiCaprio: You know, actually, I think I'm gonna be okay.
Kate Winslet: Oh, Jack. Now we can get married and everything you promised.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Yeah, about that. Uh, I was pretty sure I was gonna die...'cause actually, there's this girl in New York, and it's getting kind of serious. But, you know,thanks for letting me draw you naked. I still can't believe you let me do that!
Peter: So what, you're saying the only way to make the world right is for me to kill someone?
Stewie: I know! Why don't you kill Lois?
Death: No. One death isn't gonna do it. You have to do something that will get everyone's attention, something huge.
Chris: How about if you blow up the Earth?
Death: Too huge. But you're thinking. I like that.
Meg: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well, that would just leave England. Wait. Wait, I have it. I'm a genius. You'll kill the kids from Dawson's Creek!
Peter: I knew it! I knew it! As soon as that show came on the air, I said: "I'm gonna be the one who has to kill these kids."
Lois: It's true. He did say it.
Death: A bunch of hot, young celebrities. It's perfect! The kids are on their way to LA to renegotiate their contracts. But...but their plane is gonna be making a little stopover in Rhode Island. If you go right now, you can catch the flight.
Peter: Forget it, Death. I'm not going to do your dirty work. There's no way I'm getting on that plane. Absolutely no way, and that's final. See? I'm still here. And there's nothing you can say that'll change my mind.
Death: Either you kill them, or I kill you.
[Peter on plane]
Peter: Aw, crap! Nice plant. Note to self, do not go to the bathroom.
Man: Look, James, your last movie killed at the box office. Your Q-rating's through the roof. It's time we ditched the WB and concentrate on features.
James Van Der Beek: Sir, I don't know who you are, but just because you're sitting across from me doesn't mean you can give me career advice.
Man: Oh. Will you sign my ass?
James Van Der Beek: You have a pen?
Peter: Hello, Death? Guess where I'm calling from? A plane!
Death: That's great. Listen, those kids on board?
Peter: Yeah. About that, I don't think I can go through with it.
Death: Peter, listen, without death, the world would be a terrible place. Imagine a world where Hitler was still alive.
Announcer: Today on "Hitler!", we'll be talking with Hollywood hunk, Christian Slater.
Hitler: Now, they tell me in your next movie, we get to see your butt.
[Girls cheering]
Christian Slater: Yes, yes, you do.
Hitler: Can we see it right now?
Christian Slater: Well, all right, Hitler.
Hitler: Oh! He's going to do it!
Announcer: If you're going to be in the Los Angeles area, und would like tickets to Hitler call 213-du werdest eine Krankenschwester brauchen!
Death: Look, Peter, all you gotta do is sit there. The plane is gonna crash in LA. Pilot error. Big mess. Everybody dies.
Peter: Jeez, everybody?
Death: Except you. Hold on, I'm getting another call. Brenda?
Peter: Still me.
Death: Brenda?
Peter: "Yes?" Just kidding, it's still me.
Pilot: We now begin our final approach into Los Angeles International. If you look out the window to you're right, you'll see the San Fernando Valley where my brother Gary makes a very nice living directing porn. We'll be on the
ground in 10 minutes.
Peter: Aw, jeez.
Girl Scouts: ? We like being alive, we like being alive? ?We like being, oh, we like being, oh, we like being alive ?
Peter: I guess it's their time.
[the theme from Dawson's Creek ("I Don't Want To Wait" by Paula Cole) playing]
Pacey: Boy, for a teacher, you sure make love good.
Teacher: Actually, it's "well," Pacey. You mean to say, I make love "well." You're good to go again, right?
Pacey: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Death: Peter? Hello, Peter? Peter, are you there? I can hear you breathing!
Peter: Yeah, I'm here. And you can forget it. I've changed my mind. I don't care if you do kill me, I'm not gonna kill those kids. If they die, I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays...other than the fine programs on Fox. Hey, open up in there!
Pilot: Hey, what are you doing? You're not a pilot. I know every pilot in the world!
Peter: I'm here to keep you from making an error. A pilot error. Jeez, I probably should've worn mittens!
James Van Der Beek: Nice going, fat...
Peter: Hey, I was just trying to save your lives. But now you're all gonna die. No one can land this plane.
Karen Black: I can.
Peter: Thank God! It's Karen Black! She landed a busted plane in "Airport '75"? It was a movie, in the '70s. Ah, you damn kids with your music.
Tom Tucker: Both of the pilots were killed. Fortunately for the other passengers, actress Karen Black, star of such films as "Nashville" and "Five Easy Pieces," was on board.
Diane Simmons: Our hats are off to Miss Black for proving once again, that, given the opportunity, actresses over 50 can land large aircraft.
Tom Tucker: Karen Black. What an obscure reference.
Death: Hey, what the hell? I told you to waste those kids from "Dawson's Creek."
Lois: You're missing the important thing here. You said you wanted everyone to know the rules of death apply. And now the whole world does.
Death: Yeah, I guess so. You know, my ankle's starting to feel better. I should probably get out of your hair.
Stewie: Oh, but you just got here! Oh, we can stay in touch, can't we? Oh, oh, oh, what's your e-mail? Mine is "LoisMustDie," all one word, @yahoo.com."
Peter: Wait a second. Death? I used to fear you, but now I'm glad we met. Because you've given me a great gift-the complete Boz Scaggs. How did you know?
Death: I just had a feeling.
Lois: We're gonna miss you, Death.
Death: Hey, don't worry. I'll be back...really, really soon. [Laughing] "Is he joking?" Okay, see you later.
[closing theme music]