Da Boom

Theme Song
Diane Simmons: And that concludes our special half-hour salute to the past 1,000 years.
Tom Tucker: We leave you this New Year's Eve with a look back at some of those we've lost this millennium.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
Meg: Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party! I am so psyched!
Peter: There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning.
[Peter at party]
Peter: [Chanting conga music]
Chicken mascot: well, looks like someone's going to a big party tonight. You should pick up a chicken-strip party pack for all your friends. Here's a coupon.
Peter: Whoa, whoa, look, pal. I don't take coupons from giant chickens. Not after last time.
[Peter at checkout line]
Peter: Oh, yeah. And that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon.
Clerk: I'm sorry. This has expired.
Peter: You son of a...
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Man 1: I'm gonna need these by Friday.
Man 2: Ooh. Is that gonna give us enough time to crosscheck the...
[Intense instrumental music]
Peter: [panting] Chicken gave me a bad coupon.
[Dramatic instrumental music]
[back outside the market]
Peter: Some other time, pal.
Chicken Mascot: There won't be any other time. The world is gonna end at midnight tonight! Y2K!
Peter: Y2K? What are you selling? Chicken or sex jelly?
Chicken Mascot: Haven't you heard? At midnight, every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet!
Peter: No! Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Sorry. What were you saying?
Cleveland: Hey, Peter, in case you didn't know, a balloon tied to a mailbox is the international symbol for "party over here"!
Peter: Forget the party. The world's gonna end! Y2K! I heard it from a chicken-man.
All: [Laughing]
Cleveland: Oh, Peter, you are the height of just-too-mucherie.
Peter: Well, laugh all you want. But when you die, you'll have to go to heaven. And you know what? You know what? I bet you run into those two dead bailiff ladies from Night Court. You're not gonna know which one is which. And it's going to be really awkward. So bite me.
Brian: Hey, can you help me with these damn studs?
Lois: Aren't you a little over-dressed?
Brian: Oh, well, actually, I'm just stopping off at Quagmire's. There's a benefit gala at the Boston Pops tonight, and...well, I'm trying to nail the flautist.
Lois: Oh, Stewie! You're adorable!
Stewie: Yes, yes. I rather like the sash. But do the Huggies make my ass look big?
Lois: Peter, come on! You've had 1,000 years to get ready for this party. It always takes him so long to get dressed.
(Lois is in the bathroom wearing a violet-and-lavender striped dress.)
Lois: Peter, we're gonna be late for my cousin's wedding. Aren't you dressed yet?
(Enter Peter wearing the same dress as Lois.)
Peter: Oh, crap. Well, one of us is gonna have to change. (Pause.) [sighs] Unzip me.
Lois: Where's your father?
Meg: He's still down in the basement.
Lois: Peter, you've been down there all day. I hope you're already... [screams]
Chris: Oh, my God! The government is here! Run, ET, run!
ET: [Screaming]
Peter: The end of the world is coming. Now, come on, get in your radiation suits.
Lois: Peter, we are not missing a once-in-a-lifetime event because of some wacko doomsday theory.
Peter: Okay. Okay. Hey, guys. You know that one Christmas present you really wanted, but didn't get?
Meg: A phone?
Chris: A pony?
Brian: A humidor?
Stewie: A dead Lois?
Peter: Yeah. Well, it's in the basement. Come on. Let's go see.
Meg: My own phone!
Chris: I'm gonna name him Sparky.
Lois: Peter, if you want to stay here, that's fine. But we're going to the party. Kids!
Peter: Honey, are you pregnant?
Lois: No.
[Loud crashing]
Stewie: Oh, dear me, yes, yes. This is how I wanted to enter the new millennium. Locked in a basement with imbeciles dressed like a gay Neil Armstrong.
Brian: Thanks a lot, Peter. Right now, I could be in Boston, pretending I give a rat's ass about Vivaldi.
Meg: Yeah, and I could be getting felt up by Kevin.
Lois: Now, Meg, don't you give it all away up front. Make him work for it. And shame on you, Peter. Scaring the kids with your nuclear-holocaust nonsense.
Peter: You said "nuclear." It's "nucular," dummy. The "s" is silent.
Chris: It's almost midnight.
Diane Simmons: We now go live to Asian reporter, Tricia Takanawa. Tricia, what can you tell us?
Tricia Takanawa: Diane, Quahog's fabled alabaster clam is about to descend and usher in a new millennium.
Crowd: 10, 9, 8...
Peter: This is it!
Crowd: 6, 5, 4...
Peter: Hold on tight!
Crowd: 3, 2, 1. Happy New Year!
[Cheering]
["Auld Lang Syne" playing]
Brian: A flautist, Peter!
Lois: Well, I hope you're happy. Come on, kids. We can still make the party if we...
[Earth rumbling] [Whooshing] [crashing]
Military Guy: Nice work, Lieutenant. Very festive.
Lieutenant: Actually, sir, each of those lights represents a missile launching by itself. The pattern is just a coincidence.
Military Guy: Oh, well, now that you mention it, the "Y" is a little misshapen. Still, it's pretty amazing.
[Explosion]
Bill Clinton: Oh, what the hell. Come here, Hillary.
Alien abductee: What did I miss?
Peter: Holy crap! Anybody else feel that?
[Griffin kitchen, post-apocalypse]
Peter: Good morning, family. Hey, Lois, you remember when I was the third Hardy Boy?
Lois: Peter, there was no third Hardy Boy.
Peter: Oh, really? Just like there was no apocalypse? He shoots! He scores!
[Crashing]
Lois: Okay, we were wrong about the end of the world, and you were right. Can we please just drop it?
Meg: It's just not fair. I finally get a date with Kevin, and he gets vaporized!
Chris: He's just using that as an excuse. [Laughs]
Lois: Let's just be grateful we survived the apocalypse healthy and mutation-free.
Cleveland: I said I can do it.
Quagmire: Hey, shut up!
Peter: Hey, Clevemire.
Quagmire: That's "Quagland."
Cleveland: "Quagland?" Oh, you must be dreaming.
Quagmire: Not about kicking your fat ass!
Lois: Boys, please. You used to be so close.
Cleveland: Sorry, Lois. We're both a little crabby, on account of the fact that neither one of us has had any food since we got fused together.
Lois: Well, we just finished off what was left in the kitchen. When I think of all the food we've wasted in this house...
[Peter attempting to feed television]
Peter: Here, Tom Selleck. Come on. Down the hatch. Come on. Hey! Hey! None for you, Higgins! Trying to steal Tom Selleck's food! No. No! You've had yours!
Lois: Thank goodness Peter bought a supply of dehydrated meals before the blast. Peter, what are you doing? You just ate a year's worth of food!
Peter: What a waste of money. I'm still hungry.
[Slushy oozing]
Peter: Everyone leave. I have to poop. Now!
Brian: Well, so much for finding food at the Stop 'N Shop.
Peter: Figures. The one time I remember my Value Club Card.
Brian: Wait a minute. I smell barbecue.
[Gasping]
Tom Tucker: So what do you think, Diane? Can I cook, or what?
Diane Simmons: Mmm, delicious, Tom. I guess we should be eating her with chopsticks.
Brian: Oh, my God! They're eating Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa.
Peter: That's crazy. They're just gonna be hungry again in an hour.
Chris: Come on, Woody. We're gonna search for food.
Peter: Sorry, Chris. The plant can't come.
Lois: It's his best friend.
Peter: Lois, it'll just be another mouth to feed. I'll take care of Woody, son.
[Gunshot]
Chris: What was that?
Peter: Nothing. Let's go.
Lois: Go where? If there's no food in Quahog what makes you think there's gonna be food anywhere else?
Peter: Lois, everyone knows there are only two things that can survive a "nucular" holocaust cockroaches and Twinkies. And there's a Twinkie factory in Natick.
Lois: Twinkies?
Peter: Yeah. I saw a story about them on A&E.
Announcer: And now back to A&E's Biography, "Twinkie the Kid."
Greg Twinkee: [stammering] It was difficult for Twink to play with other children. He was different. He was definitely... He had no bones. And he couldn't really play any sports.
Sheila Twinkee: Yeah. That's why, you know, we got him the lasso.
Greg Twinkee: Yeah.
Sheila Twinkee: He'd spend hours in the backyard, playing Wonder Woman. [Laughing] He's gonna kill me.
Greg Twinkee: He loved that lasso. Not as much as the baton. But we put a stop to the baton. He was different enough, you know?
Peter: We just gotta get to that Twinkie factory, and we'll have all the food we need.
Lois: Well, good-bye, sweet home. Maybe someday we'll return.
Peter: Hey, Joe, can you keep an eye on the place?
Joe: I might as well. I'm melted to the ground.
Meg: There you go, Mr. Swanson. These oughta keep the rats away.
Joe: Thanks, hon. Stay in school!
Mutant Rat: [Roaring]
Joe Swanson: Bring it on!
Lois: Look, Peter! People!
Jorad: Halt!
Peter: Uh-oh.
Jorad: I am Jorad. I and my band of highway warriors control this territory. Do you have any food?
Peter: Uh, no. That's why we're on the road.
Jorad: Then you may not pass until you answer the following question. Name something you take on a picnic.
Meg: Blankets.
Brian: Potato salad.
Chris: Chicken.
Stewie: A dead Lois.
Peter: Okay. We're gonna go with potato salad.
Jorad: Show me "potato salad"!
Peter: [Whispering] Maybe we should go now.
[in car]
Peter: Aw, jeez! Out of gas?
Chris: Hey, Dad, look!
Old Man: Well, howdy, strangers. You look plumb tuckered. Like to sit a spell?
Lois: Actually, we are tired.
Chris: And hungry.
Old Man: Well, we got plenty of room here and all the fresh apples you can eat.
Lois: Oh, Peter! We found a new home!
Peter: What are you talkin' about? We're going to Natick!
Meg: For what? A Twinkie factory that might not even exist anymore?
Brian: She's right. Besides, this place is paradise.
Old Man: Sure is. Except for Randy Newman.
Peter: Randy Newman?
Old Man: Yup. Just sits there all night and day singing about what he sees.
[Playing piano]
Randy Newman: ? Fat man with his kids and dog? ?Drove in through the mornin' fog? ?Hey there, Rover, come on over ?
Lois: Well, it's nice to have music while we eat.
Randy: ? Red-headed lady, reachin' for an apple? ?Gonna take a bite, nope, nope? ?She's gonna breathe on it first? ?Wipes it on her blouse...? ?She takes a bite, chews it once,? ?Twice, three times, four times, stops? ?Saliva workin'? ?She takes a long hard look at Randy? ?Five times? ?Fat old husband walkin over ?
Lois: Let's get the hell out of here.
Randy: ?Yeah, they're walkin' down the road? ?Left foot,right foot,left foot,right foot,left-- ?
[Apple hits Randy in the head]
Chris: ? Left foot, right foot? ?Left foot, right foot?
Lois: Please, Chris, Mommy's going to have a big...
Chris: ?Left foot, right foot? ?Left foot... ?
Lois: Chris please... Stop it! Thank you sweetie. Now, Peter, we've got to find some food.
Brian: Oh, my God! Look!
Peter: It's Natick.
All: [Cheering]
Meg: There's no factory?
Stewie: Ha! Very good, fat man! We follow the Pied Piper of Hamsteak to the gates of oblivion, and look what it's brought us! We're finished! We're done! Game over, man! Game over! Augh! Damn it!
Lois: Stewie, get out of that nuclear waste! Who knows what animals have been in there?
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
[Cheering]
Stewie: It's about damn time!
Peter: No words...should have sent a poet.
Brian: There's enough food to last us forever!
Lois: Peter, we're saved! You were right. We can settle down here and build a house, just like we had in Quahog.
Meg: Yeah! And we can build a mall, so I'll have a place to hang out!
Chris: And two Denny's, so we can always say, "Let's not go to that one. Let's go to the good one."
Lois: We can have Quagland get Joe out of the driveway. And we can build a community, just like the one we had.
Peter: No! We'll build a better one. I hereby proclaim this city New Quahog!
[Energy pulsating]
Stewie: Well. This isn't very good, now, is it?
[Cheerful instrumental music]
Quagmire: [screaming]
Chris: Guess who?
Meg: Stop it, Chris.
Chris: Wrong! Ha ha ha ha! Oh, wait. Did you say "Chris"?
Lois: Stewie, time for breakfast! Did you wash your tentacles, my big handsome boy?
Stewie: What the devil are you talking about? "Handsome." I'm repugnant! I'm a radio-bloody-active freak!
Quagmire: Eh, I fold. Come on, let's go home and get tender with your wife.
Cleveland: I don't know, Quagmire. Lovemaking with Loretta has somehow lost its intimacy.
[bedroom with Loretta and Quagland]
Quagmire: All right!
Brian: Ah, excuse me, Mr. Mayor. We have an outsider who wishes to join our community.
Peter: Welcome to my fair city! If you want to become a citizen, you have to get a job.
Man: Well, before the disaster, I was a physician.
Cleveland: That's terrific. We need a doctor.
Peter: We sure do. Let's hope you get it. Now pick a job out of the hat. Ah, "Village idiot." That's a good one. On Tuesdays, you get to wave your penis at traffic. Congratulations.
Joe: Peter, maybe we should've just let him be a doctor.
Peter: No! These are the rules of New Quahog. Besides, that's how everyone else got their jobs.
Old lady: Go! [Frantic screaming]
Patient: You see, Doc, my back tooth is killing me. [screaming]
Peter: And things have worked out fine so far.
Cleveland: Peter, no offense, but that's because we all pitched in.
Joe: That's right. We built schools, and hospitals.
Brian: Yeah, not to mention the theater.
[Brian on stage as Truman Capote]
Brian: "But when I saw the movie, it looked like Audrey Hepburn not only didn't have breakfast at Tiffany's, she hadn't eaten anything in a year. [hooting] I am such a bitch!"
[back in office]
Brian: We have everything we need. And no crime, no guns, no pollution.
Peter: Brian's right. We've left ourselves defenseless. Guys, we need to make some guns.
Cleveland: Guns? Guns only lead to trouble.
Peter: Right. And when that trouble happens, we'll be ready to blow its freakin' head off! Besides, without guns how would our forefathers have settled their differences?
Forefather: 8, 9, 10, and turn!
Lois: Honey, Mommy's making you some new feetie pajamas. And look, it has a little trap door for when you gotta make inky.
Stewie: I'll show you inky!
Lois: Let's see if they fit, mmm?
Stewie: Never! [Mocking laughter] Look at me! I'm Fred Astaire! Ah!
Lois: Gotcha. Oh, you are getting heavy. I'll gonna have your father flood the basement so you can get some more exercise.
Stewie: Yes, yes, I do seem to have gained a bit of girth. Actually, my gullet seems to be rumbling. [Grunting] There we are. Oh, I say. I've laid an egg! Well, that wasn't so bad. I don't know what these women are always complaining about... Augh!
Peter: Attention, New Quahogians. Today my vision for our future comes true. A chicken in every pot, and a cap in every ass!
Lois: Peter, put that away! Where did you get the metal for all those guns?
Peter: Recycling. I used the pipes from our irrigation system.
Woman: Are you crazy? You destroyed all our water pipes?
Man 1: We don't need guns! We need food and water!
Man 2: I have a canker sore on my lip! And I keep poking at it with my tongue! But that's only making it worse!
Peter: There's a reason I'm in charge here, all right? I knew the world was gonna end. I'm the one who found the Twinkie factory and started this town. And I'm the one who gave elocution lessons to Rosie Perez.
Man 1: That's nothing to be proud of!
Peter: [Imitating Rosie Perez] Don't be stupid! She speak good and everything!
Crowd: Let's get him! Throw him out!
Lois: Wait! We can work this out!
Peter: Jeez, I haven't been thrown out of any place since I was a counselor at the bulimia clinic.
[Peter at clinic]
Peter: Aw, man, did anybody else throw up after eating that fish last night?
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Man 1: That's the last of them!
Man 3: Good riddance! What the hell would we ever need guns for?
Stewie: Victory is ours.
[Citizens screaming]
Man 1: Quick! Grab the guns! They're our only hope!
Man 4: Hey, Bob. You remember the other day, you asked me what the definition of "irony" was, and I said...
[screaming]
[Explosions]
Peter: Honey, I'm sorry I got us kicked out of New Quahog. I guess nobody really needs guns. I'm not always right, after all.
Lois: Oh, Peter. Hearing you say that almost makes it worth having the world blown up.
Meg: Where are we gonna go?
Peter: I hear there's a Carvel factory in Framingham.
Chris: All right! Fudgie the Whale! And Cookie Puss! And Cookie O'Puss! And Nutty the Chocolate Ghost!
Lois: Come on, everybody. Let's sing a song.
Chris: ? Left foot, right foot?
All: ?left foot, right foot?
[Mysterious instrumental music]
[live action shot of woman in bed]
Pam: Bobby!
Bobby: Good morning.
Pam: Oh, Bobby. I just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt I saw the strangest episode of Family Guy. And there was a giant chicken! And Stewie was an octopus.
Bobby: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on now. It's all right. Everything's gonna be okay. What's Family Guy?
[closing theme music]