The Son Also Draws

Stewie: Oh, blasted matriarch! She has failed once again to replenish this frigid box with potations. I'll give her a piece of my mind at once! Agh! Damn it! Now look here, you....oh, my God!
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Lois: Now you shouldn't be frightened, Stewie. What you saw was actually a very beautiful thing.
Stewie: Evidently, madam, you and I differ greatly in our conception of beauty. What I just witnessed was ghastlier than a thousand ghouls!
Lois: Stewie, mommies and daddies like to hug each other that way. In fact, sweetie, that's sort of how you were created.
Stewie: Ah! That is a vile and odious lie! How dare you fill my head with such loathsome propaganda? Get out, you horrid woman! Get out!
Lois: Okay, honey. I'll go get your teddy bear.
Stewie: [moaning]
Brian: Oh, good Lord, you saw them together, didn't you? You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there, too.
Stewie: [Exclaiming]
Theme Song
Scout leader: What in the name of our Christian God? You're out of the semicircle! All Scouts have to sit in the semicircle!
Chris: Why?
Scout leader: Why? Why? Saunders, tell him why!
Saunders: Because it's Rule 142-B!
Scout leader: Because it's Rule 142-B! Good job, Scout. Now drop and give me 20!
Saunders: Thank you, sir!
Scout leader: Ladies, this Saturday at 0800 there will be a soapbox derby, as a reward for all your obedience.
[Scouts barking]
[50s style music]
Richie: Mom, Dad, I really like Potsie.
Mrs. Cunningham: Why not, dear? Potsie's a very nice boy.
Richie: No, Mom. I mean, I really like Potsie.
Mr. Cunningham: We heard you the first time, son. You have a homosexual attraction to Potsie.
Brian: You have anything on that remote lower than mute?
Peter: I got a surprise for you, Chris. Aw, jeez, it'll have to wait. This is the one where the Fonz goes,
"Heyyyyyyy!"
Fonzie: Heyyyyyyy!
Peter: [Laughing] Take that, 1950s society! Okay, let's go.
[Griffin garage]
Peter: Chris, this is the speed machine that's gonna win you the soapbox derby.
Chris: But, Dad, I was supposed to build it myself. It's a rule.
Peter: Ah, come on. Rules were made to be broken. [grunts] Here, let me show you the turbo booster.
Chris: Uh, Dad, what would you say if I told you I didn't want to be in the Scouts?
Peter: I'd say "Come again?" And then I'd laugh because I said "come." But thank God that's not the case. You're a Scout. And you know what that means? That means I love you.
Chris: Meg?
Meg: Chris, get out of here! You're not allowed in my room.
Chris: I thought that was just when you were asleep.
Meg: What do you want?
Chris: Meg, I don't want to be in the Scouts anymore. I just want to draw. Listen, I was kinda hoping you could tell Dad. But try and open with a joke.
Meg: Tell him yourself.
Chris: I can't. I don't want to disappoint him again. You remember what happened when he tried to sneak me into
the County Fair?
Peter: One, please.
Chris: [sneezes]
Ticket Salesman: Wait a second! Your ass just sneezed! And horses can't talk! No, no, no! Nothing about this adds up at all!
Meg: Okay, look. Dad is really easy. All you have to do is sit on his lap, give him a big kiss on the cheek, look him right in the eye, and he's butter.
Peter: What the hell?
Chris: Dad, the Scouts are no fun. And I...oh, wait a minute. [kisses Peter]
Peter: Chris, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room and we will never speak of this again. [walks out of room]
Chris: [Moans]
[Exciting instrumental music]
Pops: Speed, I do not think you should be in this race! Ha-ha! The Mach 5 is not ready! Ha-ha!
Speed Racer: But Pops, I must be in this race! Ha-ha!
Pops: Very well. But I am not really your father! Ha-ha!
Speed Racer: [Exclaiming]
[Crowd cheering]
Scout leader: Okay girls, get ready...
[Scouts making revving sounds]
Scout leader: ...get set...
Peter: Please, uh, uh...God, I don't ask you for much. But let my boy win this race.
Scout leader: Do not go until I wave my flag. I can't stress that enough. I'll wave it once just to show you how it looks.
Chris: Look out!
Scout leader: Griffin is disqualified! Griffin is disqualified! [grunting]
[Quahog Community Center]
Scout leader: Your boy is out of the Scouts!
Peter: Jeez, who died and made you President Nixon?
Scout leader: Look, it's been two years! Your idiot son hasn't earned a single merit badge. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to administer some spankings.
Peter: Ah, come on. Give him a little more time, huh?.
Scout leader: All right, all right! You've got three days to earn a badge!
Peter: Three days! That's tomorrow! We gotta get going!
[Cheery instrumental music]
Lois: Stewie, look what Mommy made for dessert.
Stewie: Ooh, Jell-O. How exotic! I feel like I'm on the deck of the QE II.
Peter: Me and Chris will take ours to go. We've only got one more night to get that badge.
Chris: Uh, Dad, maybe we should just give up. I mean, we tried everything.
Peter: We almost got that one for insect study.
[Peter and Chris hiding in shrubbery]
Peter: Look, Chris. It's a whole family of WASPs.
WASP Father: My, Margaret. What a sub-par ham.
WASP Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham. But what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
WASP Father: Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?
Lois: I think it's great that you and Chris've been spending so much time together. But he's the one who should be earning that badge.
Peter: Hey, where do you get off telling me how to raise my son? Oh. Oh, right. Okay. We'll try it your way,
honey. [Laughing nervously] Hey, there's my Scout!
Chris: Not anymore, Dad. I'm out. They made me turn in my uniform and everything.
Peter: What? Those bastards! Don't you worry, Chris. I'll get you back in!
Chris: It's okay, Dad. I'm not really...
Peter: Don't take no for an answer, Chris. You're a Griffin. And a Griffin never knows when to stop.
[Peter in emergency room]
Peter: Clear! Clear!
Victim: [Gasping] You-you saved my life, Doctor!
Peter: Clear!
[Griffin living room]
Peter: I'm calling that damn troop leader right now. We're going over his head. Straight to the Youth Scout head office in New York. Pack your bags, you guys! The Griffins are hitting the Big Apple!
Speed Racer: Ha-ha! Did you hear? The Griffins are going to New York! Ha-ha!
Pops: This does not affect us at all. Ha-ha!
Speed Racer: Ha-ha!
Meg: I can't believe we're actually going to New York.
Chris: Uh, Dad, you don't really have to do this.
Peter: Yes, I do. No boy of mine is gonna get booted out of the Scouts.
Chris: [moans]
Stewie: What the hell do you think you're doing?
Lois: Strapping you in, honey, so you don't get hurt.
Stewie: So I don't get hurt. That's the best you can come up with, you dull-witted termagant?
Lois: I brought your Raffi tape.
Stewie: ...Play "Wheels on the Bus" and get the hell out of my sight.
Meg: Where's Brian?
Peter: Hey, aren't you coming?
Brian: Thanks byt no thanks. I've been to New York. It's like Prague sans the whimsy.
Lois: Will you be okay by yourself?
Brian: Oh, I think I'll manage.
Peter: All right, you guys. We're off! Those Scouts are never gonna know what hit them. [backs into neighbor's car] And neither will that guy.
[Tires squealing]
[Adventurous instrumental music]
Lois: Okay. I'm thinking of a movie.
Meg: Is it an action movie?
Lois: No.
Chris: Is it a musical?
Lois: No.
Peter: Is it a good movie?
Lois: It has its moments.
Peter: Cool Runnings.
Lois: Right!
[Music on TV]
Scientist: After years of study, I've discovered the secret to longer life in canines. And that secret is...
Narrator: We interrupt this program for some episodes of One Day at a Time.
Ann Romano: Damn it, Julie. I'm a single mother doing the best damn job she knows how! And damn it, Schneider! I asked you to fix that damn sink two days ago!
Schneider: Oh, I'll fix your sink, Ms. Romano. And by that I mean I'll have sex with you. And by have sex
with you, I mean I'll fix your sink. And by "sink," I mean your reproductive organ.
[Laughter from TV audience]
Schneider: And by "reproductive organ, " I mean the thing between your knees. And by "the thing between your knees, " I...well, I guess that one's kind of self-explanatory.
Brian: [Hollers]
Lois: Peter, we're lost. Would you please ask for directions?
Peter: We are not lost. And even if we were, you know I can't ask a human being for directions.
Lois: Why not?
Peter: Because I'm a man. Jeez, haven't you ever seen a stand-up comedian, Lois?
Chris: Dad, maybe we should go home.
Peter: No way, son. We came to get you back into the Scouts. And that's exactly what we're gonna do. [Gurgling]
Lois: What was that?
Peter: Nothing. [Gurgling]
Lois: Peter, the car is making funny noises.
Peter: You're wrong again, Lois. That wasn't the car. Although you were right about that prune smoothie.
[shudders]
Lois: Are you okay?
Peter: I'll be fine. I just have to concentrate on driving.
[Alarming instrumental music]
Peter: [sees "Dump, next left" sign][Groaning] [Gurgling][sees "Wide Load" sign] [sees "Furniture Sale: All stools must go!" sign][Peter groans] [sees "I love my Shih Tzu" sign][Peter groans] [sees "Only 15 Miles to Bob's House of Feces" sign] Oh, come on! That one's not even real! Oh, God! We gotta stop!
[Car screeching]
Meg: Wow! An Indian casino!
Peter: Yeah. I gotta find me the stink lodge! [Moaning]
[Thrilling instrumental music]
Peter: Come on, you guys. No time to lose! Hold it. Hold it! Hold it! [Moaning]
Indian robot: How! And welcome to our casino, palefaces. Feel free to visit gift shop in lobby and restaurant on second floor.
Indian Robot 2: Do you have reservations?
Indian Robot: Only about the veal!
Robots: [Laughing]
Peter: Aw, jeez, this is gonna be a photo finish, Lois![Moaning]
Lois: I'm gonna ask someone for directions. Meg, watch Stewie. Excuse me. Can you tell me how to get to New York?
Sees You Coming: Well, sure. But what's your hurry, ma'am? Don't you want to play a little first?
Lois: Thank you. But I really don't approve of, you know, gambling.
Sees You Coming: Well, technically, it's not really gambling. It's just us trying to rebuild our shattered culture after you raped our land and defiled our women.
Lois: Well, as long as you're not using it for firewater.
Carrot Scalp: Look, a "bow" tie. [Singing] I'm David "Bow"ie. "Bow" Derek!
Stewie: Oh, very funny! Now tell the one that doesn't suck!
[Laughter and applause]
Stewie: Oh. thank you. Thank you. Yes, yes. And what's the deal with airline food?
Peter: Hey, thanks, "Watches You Pee." Where's your mother?
Chris: Over there.
Peter: I didn't know you knew how to play poker.
Lois: Yeah.
Peter: How you doing?
Lois: Yeah.
Peter: That's good, honey. Let's go.
Lois: Yeah. It's funny. I never knew video poker could be so much fun. You win a few hands and all those lights go off. And you just feel so good inside.
Peter: Yeah, gambling is great. No question about it.
Lois: It felt so good. I just-I kept putting my money in. And before I knew it, I'd lost $40. I'm so embarrassed.
Peter: Ah, that's okay. As long as you learned your lesson.
Lois: Oh, I did, Peter...for a couple of minutes. Then.... This is so silly. I started playing again.
Peter: Jeez, I could swear I parked here.
Lois: Yeah, you did. But here's the really silly thing, Peter. I sort of bet our car.
Peter: [Exclaiming] Okay, I'm not panic. I just need to go back in the casino and find a high roller who'll pay $1 million to sleep with my wife.
Lois: What? That's ridiculous!
Peter: C'mon, Lois, these people took $24 for the island of Manhattan. They have no idea what things are worth!
Meg: Nice going, Mom. I finally get my driver's license and you lose the car to a poker machine. How ironic.
Peter: Hey, don't talk about your mother that way. She is not an i-ron. Now, c'mon, we gotta figure out a way to get to New York and get Chris back into the Scouts.
Chris: But Dad...
Peter: I got it. I'll just get Brian to wire us some money.
[Phone ringing]
Brian: [laughing]
Ann Romano: Damn it, Julie! I am not shacking up with my boyfriend. I am just going away for the weekend.
Schneider: Yeah. All the away.
[TV audience laughing]
Brian: [Hooting] Oh, damn, Schneider! What won't you say?
Peter: No answer at the house. You didn't bet that, too, did you?
Lois: Oh, I'm sorry, Peter. I feel so foolish. It just seemed like such a good cause. Everyone in the tribe gets a share in the casino's profits.
Peter: What did you just say?
Lois: "I'm sorry, Peter."
Peter: After that.
Lois: "I feel foolish."
Peter: After that.
Lois: "Casino's profits."
Peter: Before that.
Lois: "Everyone in the tribe."
Peter: Now the whole thing.
Lois: "Everyone in the tribe gets a share in the casino's profits?"
Peter: That's it! Let's go!
Leonard Cornfeathers: I'm sorry to hear about your "misfortune." But we're not allowed to return gambling losses.
Peter: Well, I think you can make an exception in our case, Lenny. See, I'm an Indian, too.
Leonard Cornfeathers & Lois: Excuse me?
Peter: You heard me. I'm a member of your tribe. And that entitles me to a share of your wampum, kemo sabe.
Leonard Cornfeathers: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second. Not so fast. Tell me of your history, of your past.
Peter: Oh, I come from a long line of...you people. My great-grandfather's name was Jeep Grand Cherokee. I mean, Chief Grand Cherokee. He was a rainmaker.
Chief Grand Cherokee: [Native singing] ♪ I'm so happy doing the neutron dance♪ [native singing] ♪I'm just burning doing the neutron dance ♪
Peter: And he also killed a bunch of Krauts at Wounded Knee. So are you gonna give me back my car, or what?
Leonard Cornfeathers: I have to confer with the council of the elders. You wait right here.
Lois: Are you nuts, Peter? You'll never get away with this.
Peter: Why not? I've fooled people before. You remember that time I pretended to be gay?
Peter: [watching "Caroline in the City"]
Lois: Peter, there is no way they're gonna believe you're an Indian.
Indian: He's an Indian, all right.
Leonard Cornfeathers: How do you know?
Indian: I can tell.
Leonard Cornfeathers: Oh, you think everyone's an Indian. He could just be another mooch trying to get a cut of our profits.
Frank: Maybe we can put him through a test, you know? Like a really impossible stunt to prove he's the real deal.
Leonard Cornfeathers: Hey, way to think outside the box, Frank.
[back in office]
Leonard Cornfeathers: To prove you are truly a member of our tribe, you must go on a vision quest. Do you know what a vision quest is?
Peter: ...Of course I do. I'm an Indian. But why don't you explain it to my wife? She's a little slow in the head.
Leonard Cornfeathers: A vision quest is a sacred spiritual journey. Your husband must go out in the wilderness without food or water.
Frank: Or shoes.
Leonard Cornfeathers: Yeah. Or shoes. He must remain there until he can communicate with nature. He must hear the wisdom of the rocks and trees. And then his guiding spirit must appear to him and reveal a great personal truth. And it's gotta be a real vision. We're Indians. We're gonna know if he's lying.
Indians: [Howling ominously]
Leonard Cornfeathers: [Laughing] Sucker.
Lois: Peter, please don't do this. We can buy another car. I'll give extra piano lessons on Sundays.
Peter: Come on, Lois. All I gotta do is have a spiritual vision. I've had one before.
[Griffin kitchen]
Peter: Oh, my God. Brian. There's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "Ooooo."
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
Leonard Cornfeathers: You must begin your journey now.
Meg: Now's your chance to be alone with Dad.
Chris: Are you nuts? I'm not attracted to Dad.
Meg: Tell him you don't want to be in Scouts.
Chris: Oh. Thanks, Meg.
Meg: Yipes.
Chris: Dad, can I come?
Peter: How about it, Lenny?
Leonard Cornfeathers: What the hey? The more the merrier. Now get the hell out of here, you nut, and go have yourself a spiritual vision.
[Mysterious instrumental music]
Peter: Oh, water! Thank God!
Chris: Dad, I'm hungry. Are we gonna die?
Peter: Of course not. This isn't the first time I've had to find my own food in the wild.
Little Red Riding Hood: [humming]
Peter: [shouting]
Little Red Riding Hood: [screams]
Peter: [Laughing] Dumb broad. [Screaming]
[Wolf growling]
Lois: They've been gone for over six hours. How long do these vision quests usually take?
Leonard Cornfeathers: Huh? Well, you know, it varies, you know?. It depends on the person's age, and height, and...sign.
Lois: You have no idea, do you?
Leonard Cornfeathers: Of course I...no.
Lois: Well, then, why would you send my husband and son out into the wilderness without any food or supplies?
Leonard Cornfeathers: 'Cause we really like your car?
Lois: [sighs]
Stewie: They're dead, you know.
[Wolves howling]
Peter: Must eat. Haven't snacked in hours. Can't feel my eyes. Wonder if club-footed midgets get justice in
heaven.
Tree 1: Hot enough for you?
Peter: What?
Tree 1: I say, "Hot enough for you?"
Peter: Yeah. I guess. Oh, my God! I'm communicating with nature! Hey, Tree, if one of you falls and there's no one around, do you make a noise?
Tree 2: Are you kidding? Scott fell last week. He hasn't shut up about it since.
Scott: Sure. Stand there and bitch! But would any of you take the time to help me?
Tree 3: Ooh, ooh, I'm playing the world's smallest violin, Scott.
Fonzie: Hey, yo, Griffin!
Peter: The Fonz!
Fonzie: Heyyyyyy!
Peter: What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in the middle of a Tuscadero sandwich?
Fonzie: Yeah. But I'm your spiritual guide, see? And I want to lay a little personal truth on you. Now, Mr. C was like a father to me. And he always listened, you know? And Griffin, right now, your son needs you to listen to him. Whoa!
Peter: Sure. Whatever you say. Uh, Fonzie? There's something I always wanted to ask you. You were with a lot of girls. Did you ever get a sexual disease?
Fonzie: Herpes twice. And the clap. Heyyyyyy!
Chris: Uh, hey, Dad? Can I talk to you?
Peter: Not now, son! Oh, uh, sure. Go right ahead.
Chris: I don't want to be a Scout, Dad. I just don't have fun there. I guess you're pretty disappointed in me.
Peter: Well, yeah!
Chris: Dad, this is what I really like to do.
Peter: What? You want to draw? Aw, jeez, son, why don't you just stick a knife in my heart? I mean, so, you drew
this?
Chris: Yeah. I know they suck.
Peter: well, not all of them. Some of these look pretty good.
Chris: Really?
Peter: Yeah! I didn't know anyone in this family had any talent. Well, except for that one thing your mother does.
Chris: You mean play the piano?
Peter: No, no. She.... Yeah. I probably don't say this often enough. But I'm really proud of you, Chris.
Chris: Thanks, Dad.
Tree: [with lighter] ♪ And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon ♪
Trees: ♪ Little boy blue and the man in the moon♪ ♪When you coming home, Dad? I don't know when♪ ♪But we'll get together then, son. You know we'll have a...♪
Trees: [catches fire] Oh, my God! Fire!
Peter: Let's get out of here!
Tree: Todd, you stupid bastard!
Lois: Peter? Chris? Oh, thank God. Are you okay?
Peter: Fantastic, Lois! I saw my guiding spirit.
Leonard Cornfeathers: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a second! You had a vision?
Peter: It was amazing! I spoke to the trees. And I saw the Fonz.
Lois: Really? What's the Fonz like? I bet he's stuck up.
Peter: A little. But thanks to him, me and Chris have never been closer.
Leonard Cornfeathers: Oh, I want a spiritual vision, too! Man! I guess we've lost touch with our noble roots. I mean, sure this casino's brought our tribe money and prosperity. But what is the price of our souls?
Frank: $6 million a week.
Leonard Cornfeathers: That sounds about right. Hey, you know what, take your crappy car back. Come on, boys. Let's go hit the buffet.
Peter: All right! We did it! Let's get the hell out of here.
Stewie: Stupid, greedy savages!
Lois: Stewie, that's a terrible thing to say. This one particular tribe has lost their way. But most Native Americans are proud, hardworking people who are true to their spiritual heritage. They are certainly not savages. ["The
More You Know" logo and sound]
Stewie: That's funny, Mother. Just this morning you said they were lazy, like the dirty Mexicans. Just kidding. The Mexicans are a clean and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage. ["The More You Know" logo and sound]
Meg: Yeah. Not like those dumb, gargantuan Swedes. Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel? ["The More You Know" logo and sound]
Peter: Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. [pause] Canada sucks.
[closing theme music]