Mind Over Murder

[Cheery music from TV]
[Mentos commercial showing John Wilkes Booth attempting to assasinate Abraham Lincoln, while eating mentos]
Singer: ? When life is getting to you, put some fresh in your life? ?Let Mintos freshen up your life? ?Life is just a breeze when you stay fresh and cool? ?Because Mintos puts the fresh in life ?
Singers: ? Taste that freshness, just can't beat it? ?Mintos freshness, let Mintos freshen your life! ?
Announcer: Mintos, the Freshmaker.
Meg: These commercials are stupid.
Lois: They certainly don't make me want a Minto.
Brian: Totally ineffective.
Peter: Must kill Lincoln.
Theme Song
Lois: [playing classical music on piano]
[Cheering and applause]
Peter: [blows kiss]
[Griffin kitchen]
Lois: Ow!
Stewie: Blast you, woman! Awake from your damnable reverie!
Lois: Honey, I'm doing the dishes.
Stewie: Oh, well, a thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual. But you see, I'm in searing
pain!
Lois: Oh, you're just teething, Stewie. It's a normal part of a baby's life.
Stewie: Very well then, I order you to kill me at once!
Lois: Oh, honey, I know you're hurting. But Mommy has to clean up the house, all right?
Stewie: No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!
Lois: [sighs]
Peter: Oh, man, this is the life. Hey, hand me another one of them Pawtucket Patriots. Guys, guys, I want to say
a toast to you. Quagmire, Cleveland...
Brian: Brian.
Peter: Yeah. Yeah! If you guys were beers, I would drink every one of you. And I wish you were 'cause we're out.
Cleveland:: [Giggling] Oh, that's funny. That's even more humorous than that joke you told us last night.
Peter: Okay, so a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar, right? Oh, wait, wait a second. Okay, Jewish guy
and a Chinese guy walk into a bar. And there's this naked priest sitting there. And he...ooh, sorry, Father.
Priest: No, I've heard them all.
Cleveland: Oh, look at the time. I promised Loretta I was gonna trim the hedges and be tender with her.
Peter: Believe me, Cleveland. Our wives need some time off as much as we do. This is when Lois does all those
little things that women like to do.
Lois: [Grunting]
[Car honking]
Brian: I'll be on your bed. No calls.
Peter: Hey, Lois. Look, I know you've been busy all day, so I took care of dinner.
Lois: Really?
Peter: All you gotta do is gut it, clean it, scale it, and cook it. [kiss]
Lois: Peter, I spent all morning cleaning up the house. And in five seconds, you turn it into low tide at the
pier.
Peter: Aw, jeez. I'm sorry, honey. I'd help you clean it up. But you know how lousy I am with housework.
Remember when I tried doing the laundry?
[Peter at dryer]
Peter: Now, let's see. Shirts, pants...her, I'm missing another sock. Hey!
Mr. Tumnus: Welcome to Narnia. I'm Mr. Tumnus.
Peter: Hey, give me back my sock, you goat bastard! Hey!
Lois: You're right. It's better if I do it.
Stewie: Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell!
Lois: Well, the baby's up. Can you get him?
Peter: Okay. I hope he doesn't need changing. I'm a little gun-shy after what happened last time.
Stewie: No, no, no, you imbecile! That's not talc! That's paprika! Ah! Take that!
Lois: All right, I'll do that, too! Can you at least take Chris to his game?
Peter: Aw, jeez, Lois. I spent all morning on a boat with my friends, drinking beer, telling jokes, and screwing
around. How about a little me time?
Lois: Honey, I'm begging you. Just drop Chris off at his soccer game and come right home. I need you to look
after Stewie while I'm teaching piano lessons, please!
Peter: All right, all right! You know I spoil you.
Chris: Thanks for the ride, Dad.
Peter: All right. Have fun, Chris.
Quagmire: Hey, Peter!
Peter: Quagmire? What are you doing here?
Quagmire: Oh, you know. Soccer moms!
[Soccer moms giggle]
Quagmire: All right.
Peter: I'd like to hang around with you. But Lois needs me at home.
Quagmire: I got beer.
Peter: Boo, Lois! Yay, beer!
[classical music]
Lois: [shushing] It's okay, Stewie. Where the hell's Peter? That was good, Reuben. Now play...Brahms' Lullaby.
?Lullaby and good night?
Stewie: Oh, enough! The only thing worse than the wretched pain in my mouth is the excrement spewing from yours!
Lois: Oh, I wish I could make the pain go away sooner. But I can't turn time forward.
Stewie: Oh, no? Perhaps I can! Of course! I'll simply build a machine that can move time! I shall call it a time
machine. E-flat, Salieri! E-flat!
Peter: Go, Chris! Daddy loves you! I-I mean in a platonic way. I'm married.
Referee: [whistle] Hand ball! Penalty kick, blue!
Mother: That's the 10th time today! Nice grab, orca. Hey, get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a
license plate!
Peter: Hey, hey, hey. Easy, fella. That's my kid. Now apologize.
Mother: Okay. I'm sorry your kid's a brain-dead stinking blue cheese feta!
Peter: Oh, oh, that's it!
Chris: Way to go, Dad!
Boy: You hit my mom!
Peter: No, I hit your dad.
Man: Whoa, stand back. Give her some air.
Peter: You mean, "Give him some air."
Woman: Call an ambulance. She's going into labor.
Peter: You mean, "He's going into labor."
[Baby crying]
Peter: Whoops.
[Griffin house]
Peter: I can't believe I punched a woman.
Brian: A pregnant woman.
Peter: I just hope she accepts my peace offering. I sent her a little something for the baby.
[Jack-in-the-box playing "Pop goes the weasel"]
Peter: Course, I would've brought it over myself if I wasn't under house arrest.
Brian: Well, you're just fortunate this is your first offense, Peter.
Peter: No kidding. Could've been a lot worse if the cops knew about those other times I broke the law.
[Peter loiters in front of "No loitering" sign; gaze darting back and forth]
Peter: And there was that time I took a whiz in public.
[Peter in public pool; gaze darting back and forth]
Peter: And that time I snuck into Wimbledon.
[Peter at Wimbledon; gaze darting back and forth]
Quagmire: Well, me and Cleveland are gonna "amscray."
Peter: Wait, wait, wait. You guys can't leave me here alone.
Quagmire: Why don't you come with us?
Peter: I can't leave the premises. They're monitoring my every move.
[Pong beeping]
Peter: I gotta get out of here! I gotta get out of here! I gotta get out of here!
Lois: There's my little house husband. It's been so wonderful having you home all week.
Peter: Oh, thanks, honey. But, honestly, I don't know how you stand being in the house all day. I mean, I'm so
bored, I can't even watch TV anymore. All the shows are starting to run together.
Narrator: This contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter "H".
[Phone ringing]
Bert: [on phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. [off phone] Some poor bastard got his head blown off
down at a place called Hooper's.
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed!
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!
[Comedic instrumental music]
Peter: I know you can't understand what I'm going through, Lois. I mean, all the stuff that makes you happy,
like cooking and cleaning, is right in the house just waiting for you. You are one lucky...
Brian: Ah-ah. Stop. Now.
Lois: Peter, I don't do those things because I enjoy them. I do them because I love my family.
Peter: [giggling] Lois loves her family. Lois loves her family. ?Lois and the family sitting in a tree? See,
now, Lois, the guys would've found that hilarious.
Lois: Why don't I go buy some groceries and make us a nice romantic dinner? Like when we were dating. That
oughta take your mind off the guys.
Peter: It already has. [pause] I wonder what the guys are up to?
Cleveland: Oh, that's nasty.
Peter: Where's the damn pull string? [yells] You never know what you're gonna find down here.
[Dog barking]
Peter: Ah!
Pawtucket Patriot: Peter!
Peter: Hey, hey you're the Pawtucket Patriot.
Pawtucket Patriot: Verily. Come hither and give heed.
Peter: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't swing that way, pal. Look, I got a date with my female wife. I just came
down to get some beers.
Pawtucket Patriot: Why spend time with your wife? If you build a bar in this basement and stock it with
plenty of frosty Pawtucket Patriots your friends will come down here for a beer as well.
Peter: Build a bar! That's a great idea. Wait, one last question. If I walk through you, does that mean, like,
we've done it?
Pawtucket Patriot: Jeez. What's with you and the gay jokes?
[Cheerful instrumental music]
Peter: [Snoring]
[Instrumental music slows down]
Lois: [Sighs]
[Door opening]
Lois: Peter, where the hell have you been? We had a date.
Peter: Aw, sorry, honey. I must've lost track of the time. What do you say, eh? You think the guys will like it?
Lois: This is why you missed our dinner? To make a bar for your friends?
Peter: Yeah, isn't it great? Oh, boy, I feel just like Tim Allen. I build stuff and I have a criminal record.
[macho grunting]
[Guys laughing]
Peter: Okay, okay, guys. I got another one. What's the difference between pornography and art?
Quagmire: [Chuckling] Here it comes.
Peter: A government grant.
Cleveland: Peter, you are in the zone.
Peter: Hey, honey, you know those little clam cakes you always make whenever we have company? I need about a
dozen of-actually, better make it like 600.
Lois: That's it, Peter! I'm not a servant. And I'm through taking care of you and your bar buddies!
Peter: Jeez. Where the hell did that come from?
Lois: Watch the kids. I'm taking a hot bath.
Stewie: Put me down, you Brobdingnagian blunderbuss!
Meg: He's a little cranky from teething.
Peter: I can fix that.
Stewie: [Mumbling] Good God, man! One can only imagine what foul regions that finger has erstwhile probed!
Peter: There you go. My mother used to use whiskey whenever I had a toothache.
[toddler Peter]
Peter: My tooth hurts!
[Griffin living room]
Peter: There. How's that feel?
Stewie: Well, it's-it's delightful.
[Bathwater running]
[Applause]
Lois: Thank you. Thank you very much.
Peter: Lois, you are a wonderful woman. Words cannot express the depth of my appreciation and love for you.
Lois: Oh, Peter!
[Griffin bathroom]
Lois: Aaah!
Man: Hey, you must be Lois.
Stewie: No, not silicone. Silicon. And the design of the device is quite ingenious if I do say so myself, Misty.
What a delightful moniker. You see, Misty...[giggles]...my time manipulator borrows axioms from the quantum theory of
molecular propulsion-I've broken my pencil!
Girl: I have a Barney pen in my purse.
Stewie: You are spectacular!
Lois: Chris, what are you doing here?
Chris: Sorry, Mom. I'm gonna need to see some ID.
Lois: Chris, go to your room!
Stewie: Hello, Mother. Care to partake in one of your oh-so-exhilarating games of peekaboo?
Lois: Oh, my God! My baby is drunk!
Peter: No, I'm not! Oh, him? Oh, yeah, yeah. He's a real lightweight.
Lois: Meg, take Stewie upstairs.
Stewie: ?Show me the way to go home? Everybody! ?I'm tired and I want to go to bed? Just the women!
Lois: Peter, in the 17 years that we've been married I have never been as angry as I...what is my piano doing
down here?
Peter: Well, it was supposed to be a clam cake buffet, but...never mind.
Lois: That does it, Peter. Either this bar goes or I do!
Peter: Lois, honey, I haven't even told you the other reason your piano's down here. I wanted you to play it.
You know, like it was an instrument. I'm telling you the truth. Right, guys?
Men: Yeah. Yeah. Come on!
Lois: Oh, no, no, I couldn't.
Man: Come on!
Lois: Maybe one song.
Peter: Pretend you like it no matter how bad it stinks.
Lois: [Lois chuckles]
[Starts playing piano]
Lois: ? You'll never know just how much I love you? ?"You'll never know just how much I care?
Man: Yeah!
Lois: ? And if I try, I still couldn't hide my love for you? ?You oughta know for haven't I told you so? ?
Peter: Okay, guys. Thank you. You can stop pretending now.
Guy: All right!
Lois: ? If there is some other way to prove that I love you? ?I swear I don't know how ?
Man: Sing it, baby.
Brian: Something troubling you, Peter?
Peter: Oh, no, nothing. Just all my friends are eye-humping my wife.
Lois: ? You'll never know if you don't know now ?
[Applause]
Guys: Wonderful! Wow!
[Cheery instrumental music]
Lois: It was absolutely amazing. The second that spotlight hit me, I became a whole different person!
Stewie: Silence, you contemptible shrew!
Lois: Aw, I bet your gums are still sore.
Stewie: Oh, you're so observant, aren't you? Are you a detective? Yes, my gums are sore! Enough of this! I must
complete my time machine, move time forward, and end this agony!
Chris: Hey, Dad! Mom says she was really on last night.
Peter: Oh, yeah. About that. Lois, see, the guys were just being polite. They thought your singing was too...
Lois: I was just nervous. Tonight'll be better.
Peter: Tonight? Honey, I don't think anyone's gonna come back tonight.
Lois: ? Gimme, gimme, gimme what I cry for? ?You know you got the brand of kisses that I die for ?
Cleveland: Oh, this one takes me back.
Quagmire: Now that's a woman! That's a house. That's a fish. That's a bee!
Lois: ? You know you made me love you ? I love you! Thank you. Thank you. Johnny Muldoon, ladies and gentlemen.
[Band strikes up]
Lois: You know, I was born in a little town called Quahog.
Man: We love you, Lois!
Lois: [laughs] Let me finish the story, fellas. You don't want to be up all night. Or do you?
Peter: "Or do you?"
Man: She's a smokin' little pistol, isn't she?
Peter: Are you a woman?
Man: No.
Peter: My house arrest is over, Brian. Round up the guys. Now that I'm a free man, we can do anything we want.
Brian: Uh, the guys only want to do one thing, and that's ogle your wife. I tell you, if Lois were my woman, I'd
keep an eye on her. Then again, I'm the jealous type.
Man: Wow, Lois Griffin! Hey, I love your act. Nice melons.
Peter: Hey, listen, pal...
Lois: Peter, I'm holding melons.
Peter: Oh.
Man: And her hooters ain't bad either!
Peter: Now hang on a second there!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding hooters.
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem. Your wife's hot!
Peter: All right, that's it! Lois, your singing days are over. For God's sake, if I wanted to marry Lola Falana,
I would have.
[Peter in dressing room]
Peter: Look, Lola. This whole thing's just going way too fast for me.
Leslie Uggams: For the last time, I'm not Lola! I'm Leslie Uggams!
Lois: Peter, having me sing was your idea in the first place.
Peter: Hey, hey, hey, I just wanted to keep my bar. The whole reason I built that thing was so that my friends
would come to see me, not you.
Lois: Is that so? Let me tell you something. I love singing! And I will continue to sing! And-how dare you
upset me this close to showtime!
Peter: Oh, Lois! Hey, watch where you're going, buddy.
Woman: Griffin! I got a bone to pick with you.
Peter: Whoa, whoa, listen, pal. I don't want any more trouble.
Woman: Thanks to your wife, my husband hasn't been home all week!
Woman 2: That singing hussy is destroying our marriages!
[Women murmuring]
Loretta: Mmm-hmmm.
Peter: Oh, yeah, well then do something about it. Come to my basement tonight and drag your husbands out of
there yourselves.
Woman 2: Maybe we will.
Woman: Yeah!
Peter: Aw, jeez, fella. Can't you take that outside?
Lois: This next number is dedicated to my very supportive husband, Peter. Hit it! ? Don't tell me not to fly I've simply gotta? ?If someone takes a spill it's me and not you? ?Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade?
Peter: Oh, boy. Lois is pretty pissed, huh?
Brian: Yes, your judgment lately has been rather.... Well, you have crappy judgment, anyway.
Stewie: Oh, this is intolerable! This foolishness is preventing me from completing work on...egads! The
blueprints for my time machine! Those are for my eyes only!
Lois: Thank you. Aw, look everyone, Stewie drew a picture for his mommy.
Stewie: No!
Cleveland: Hold up the picture. Let's see.
Stewie: No, no! No, no! Nothing to see here.
Man: Oh, how cute. It's a time machine!
Stewie: No! It's a...blast, what the devil do children draw? It's a pheasant!
Man 2: A time machine. Sure. Here's where the flux capacitor goes.
Man 3: Oh, I can't wait to build one of these of my own.
Stewie: I'll not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans. You shall rue this day. Well, go on! Start ruing!
Lois: Bye-bye, Stewie. Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you good night.
Stewie: Burn in hell!
Lois: Hell. Hell has fire. And you know what else? ? It's got steam heat? ?I got steam heat? ?I got steam heat? ?But I need your love to keep away the cold I got... ?
Woman: All right, break it up!
Lois: What's going on here?
Woman: Your little peep show is over! We're taking back our men!
Lois: Peep show? I just do this for fun. Look, all day long I scrub and cook and take care of my kids. And
nobody cheers. No one even says thank you. But when the band starts playing and the music's flowing through me, I feel, I
don't know, special. I guess you all think that's pretty silly.
Woman: Not at all.
Woman 2: You didn't tell us that part!
Loretta: Uh-uh.
Lois: Peter, you're behind all this?
Peter: Yes. And you'll never catch me! [giggles maniacally] [screams repeatedly]
Lois: I bet he also didn't tell you he never helps me around the house. Or takes me out to dinner. Or notices
when I get my hair done.
Woman 3: Oh, no, that's just...
Woman: My husband's the same way.
Woman 2: So's mine.
[People chattering]
Quagmire: Oh, this place is full of dead pigeons. I'm gonna go grab some ozone. Peter! There's a king in the cards!
Stewie: They saw my blueprints! What a grievous breach of security! Damn! What do to? Wait for it...wait for it...yes! Instead of moving time forward to bypass this wretched teething, it might just be possible to reverse time's heady flow and undo ever having drawn those damnable blueprints.
Man: You'll never get away with this!
Stewie: Silence!
Peter: Lois, you make it sound like I don't appreciate you at all.
Lois: Peter, when was the last time you told me you love me?
Peter: You know I do.
Lois: I want to hear it!
Peter: Is that what this is all about?
Quagmire: Run for your lives!
Peter: Holy crap! Ah! Hot, hot, hot!
[Explosion] [Screaming]
Lois: There's no way out!
Stewie: At last! My time device is complete! Just one final adjustment. There. Now I shall negate ever having drawn those damnable blueprints. Blast!
Peter: Aw, jeez. We're screwed! Look, I promise if we get out of this alive I'm gonna help out around the house and say "I love you" every day.
Lois: You mean it?
Peter: Ah, I'm a changed man, Lois. A better man. And to think, if I hadn't taken Chris to his soccer game I never would've learned this valuable lesson.
[People talking backwards]
[Mystical instrumental music]
[Backwards speech slowing]
Lois: Honey, I'm begging you. Just drop Chris off at his soccer game and come right home. I need you to look after Stewie while I'm teaching piano lessons, please!
Peter: All right, all right! You know I spoil you. My foot! I can't walk! I guess you'll have to take Chris yourself. [Giggles]
Stewie: Ah! My device! Ah! My teeth!
Incisor: I'm free! Free! I claim this mouth in the name of Incisor!
Bicuspid: I think not!
Incisor: Bicuspid! We meet again.
Bicuspid: Have at you!
Incisor: En garde!
Bicuspid:Shall we bite the tongue then?
Incisor: On three. One, two...
Stewie: [Screams]
[closing theme music]