I Never Met the Dead Man

[Cheery instrumental music]
Lois: Oh, look at Stewie. Isn't he adorable playing with his Sesame Street phone?
Stewie: Put me through to the Pentagon.
Ernie: Do you know What sound a cow makes?
Stewie: Don't toy with me, Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper, I've six armed men outside Big Bird's nest, and as for Linda? It's difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, isn't it?
Ernie: Can you count to three?
Stewie: Indeed I can. One! Two! Three! [Shoots ray-gun] Can I count to three? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level.
Theme Song
Lois: Come on, Stewie. You can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables.
Stewie: Then I shall sit here until one of us expires. And you've got a good 40 years on me, woman!
Lois: Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane. [Makes airplane noise]
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers!
Lois: My, aren't we fussy tonight. Okay. No broccoli.
Stewie: Very well then. I…[broccoli shoved into mouth] Who the hell do you think you are?
Lois: Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.
Stewie: Well, then. My goal becomes clear. The broccoli must die.
[Sinister instrumental music]
Meg: Mom, will you take me out to practice driving?
Lois: I'm teaching a piano lesson in half an hour. Maybe your father can take you.
Peter: Oh, sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you. But Daddy also loves Star Trek. And, in all fairness, Star Trek was here first.
Captain Kirk: Captain's log, Stardate 8169.7. The Enterprise has just discovered a strange new planet in the Gamma Fallopia star system. Mr. Sulu, ahead Warp 9.
Lois: For God's sake, Peter. You've been in front of the TV since you got home from work. Why don't you spend some time with your family?
Peter: I will, I'm just gonna do it during the commercials. And if that's wrong, well then maybe I'm missing the point of having commercials.
Lois: [Sighs]
Meg: Please. My road test is tomorrow and you haven't taught me anything.
Brian: Meg, you may want to find a better teacher than Peter.
Peter: What are you talking about? I'm a great driver.
Brian: Remember your trip to the Southwest?
Road Runner: Meep-meep!
Peter: [Hits Road Runner] Aw, jeez. Did I just hit that ostrich?
Wile E. Coyote: No.
Peter: Are you sure?
Wile E. Coyote: Yeah, he's fine. Keep going.
Peter: Meg, don't believe what they're saying. I always keep my eyes on the road. I don't miss a thing.
Announcer: We now return to Star Trek.
Peter: Holy crap. Uhura's black?
<in car>
Peter: All right, Meg. Now here's your first lesson. Now, you always want to be aware of other cars on the road. And if you ever catch eyes with the guy next to you at a red light, you gotta race him. Ah, this guy's asking for it.
Meg: But Dad...
Peter: I don't make the rules, honey. Now rev your engine twice.
Meg: Okay.
[Engine revving twice] [Horse sputtering twice]
Peter: Go!
[Fast-paced instrumental music]
Amish Guy [Screaming]
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Peter: Well, you forgot to flip him off. But other than that, nice job.
Lois: You're back already? That wasn't much of a lesson.
Peter: Well, I didn't want to overload her on her first time out, you know? Besides CHiPs is about to start. So let's sit back and get lost in a world of California Highway Patrol fantasy!
[Police siren] [CHiPs music]
Woman: What's the charge, Officer?
Erik Estrada: Driving without my phone number.
[Gunshots firing]
Erik Estrada: Or maybe I should arrest you for being too beautiful. [Teeth sparkling]
Stewie: So, broccoli, Mother says you're very good for me. Well, I'm afraid I'm no good for you! The first rule of war is know thine enemy. And I know this! Cold kills broccoli! It's so simple. All I need to do is build a machine to control the global environment. Forecast for tomorrow: a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!
[Sinister instrumental music]
Peter: This is taking forever! Come on, Meg, let's go. Fox is running one of those new reality shows at 8:00: "Fast Animals, Slow Children."
[African instrumental music]
Boy: Come on, guys. Wait up.
[African music continues]
Boy: Dang. I got honey all over my legs.
Meg: Dad, we can't leave now. My entire life depends on getting my license. If I can't drive, I'll never have any boyfriends, never get married and then I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.
Peter: Meg, are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?
Meg: I'm so nervous.
Peter: Aw, you're gonna do great. Just remember everything I taught you.
Instructor: All right, let's start by going down Main Street.
Meg: Okay.
[Engine revving twice] [Police siren]
Instructor: What are you doing?
Meg: I'm driving. Duh.
Instructor: [Screaming]
Meg: Are you gonna mark me down for not flipping him off?
<back in Griffin car>
Meg: Oh, God, my life is over. I am the biggest loser I know!
Peter: I know just how you feel, pumpkin. I've had my share of disappointments, too.
OB: It's a girl!
Peter: Can you check again?
<back in Griffin car>
Peter: Look, honey, you just have to remember that life has its little ups and...oh, jeez! We're gonna miss the beginning of my show. Hey, there it is.
Meg: Dad, watch out!
[Horn blaring]
Peter: Meg, honey, are you okay?
Meg: Yeah, I think so.
Peter: "The Quahog Cable Television Transmitter." Uh-oh.
[Citizens grumbling]
Man: Hey! You just knocked out cable TV for the whole town!
Peter: Oh Boy! Hey, look, there's Bigfoot!
Bigfoot: Whoa, whoa, whoa. This isn't about me. This is about you.
Peter: Oh, well, at least I bought us some time. She did it.
Meg: What? Dad, you were the one driving!
Peter: I was teaching her to drive and she lost control of the car. Come on, you guys, we all did stupid stuff when we were kids, right? I remember when I tried to sneak into an R-rated movie. <flashback to Peter sneaking into a movie wearing a shrub costume; then back to the regular scene> Aw, come on. Give the kid a break, huh?
Man: Why should we?
Peter: She got her arm shot off in Vietnam.
[Murmuring]
Man: Poor kid.
Man 2: What a senseless war.
Meg: I can't believe you just sold out your own daughter.
Peter: Now, Meg, honey, I know what I did was wrong, and I know it's not the first time I've embarrassed you.
Teacher: And if you add the measure of the angles of a right triangle, the sum of...
Peter: Hey, Meg, you mind cleaning out the shower next time you shave your legs? It's like a carpet in there.
<back in Griffin car>
Peter: I hate to see you so upset. Hey, I know. Let's play a little game called Taking the Fall for Daddy. If you win, I'll buy you a convertible when you get your license.
Meg: Really? Oh, Daddy! Now I love you again!
Peter: Oh, you're gonna make some Jewish guy a great wife.
[Metallic clanking]
Tom Tucker: Because of an accident at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmission will be out for an undetermined amount of time. Of course, no one can see this news program, so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. Think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well, Tom, I just plain don't like black people.
Technician: You guys, we're still on in Boston.
Stewie: Excellent. The weather machine is nearly completed. What do you say to that, broccoli? Stop mocking me! What's this? It appears the witless provider has finally brought me something of value. I can use that crude device to amplify my deadly signal. Victory shall yet be mine.
Meg: Guess what, Mom? Dad crashed the car into the city cable transmitter.
Lois: What?
Meg: Oh, it's okay. If I take the blame, he's going to buy me a convertible when I get my license.
Peter: Meg, it's not exactly taking the blame if you go around telling everyone.
Lois: Peter! You're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter: Come on, Lois-isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"? Look, you wanted me and Meg to bond. And that's what we're doing.
Chris: Dad, I was in a chat room on America Online and Doomie 22 told me some idiot knocked out the cable. We could be without TV for weeks!
Peter: Now, now, Chris, now let's not panic. We can manage just fine without TV.
Brian: [scoffs]
Peter: What's that supposed to mean?
Brian: Face it, Peter, you're addicted to television. You're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey. Remember when you gave up candy?
Willy Wonka: I'll ask you one more time. You didn't eat anything in my factory?
Peter: No.
Willy Wonka: I'm just asking...
Peter: Are you calling me a liar?
Willy Wonka: I'm just saying...
Peter: Hey, shut up, Wonka.
Peter: Yeah, well, that was different. I'll be fine.
Lois: Are you sure, honey?
Peter: Oh, for God's sake, you guys. You think I'm some simp who can't live without TV? C'mon, give me a break.
<Peter on phone>
Peter: All right, Mike, what's happening now?
Mike: Well, Sipowicz is trying to find out who stabbed the super.
Detective Sipowicz: Are you gonna tell me what I want to know, or am I gonna have to show you my ass?
Criminal: I ain't saying nothing! All right, it was Jimmy the Hat!
Peter: Aw, forget it, Mike. Without actually seeing his ass, this is just radio.
Teacher: Well, class, we were scheduled to watch a PBS program on the mating rituals of the nude large-breasted Weewok tribe of New Guinea. Unfortunately, Megan Griffin ruined TV. So, instead, we're having a surprise test.
Meg: [Wonder Years Voice] Whoa! Suddenly I was public enemy number one. It was time to tell the truth. [aloud] Wait! I didn't drive into the satellite dish!
Teacher: Oh. And who did?
Meg: [Wonder Years Voice] I was just a 15-year-old girl. But at that moment, I realized I had a whole lifetime to make new friends. But only one chance to get a new car. And I had to take it. [aloud] Okay, I did it.
Peter: Jeez, Brian, I don't know how much longer I can last. It's been a whole week since I seen a TV show. I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to right now.
Narrator: We now return to The Scooby Doo Murder Files.
Fred: Gee whiz, gang. Looks like the killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped the body in the river!
Velma: Jinkies! What a mystery!
Scooby Doo: [Moaning]
Fred: You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.
Brian: Well, you just need to find something to fill the void it's left in your life. Lois has her knitting, Chris has his video games, Meg's learning how to drive. And me, I like the sauce. Hey, barkeep, whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?
Peter: [Moaning] Can't live without TV. Must see TV.
[music from the tornado sequence in "The Wizard of Oz"]
Peter: [Sighs]
Lois: Stewie, I expect you to finish off your vegetables.
Stewie: Oh, rest assured, you relentless harridan, I expect I shall finish them all off! And you as well!
Lois: Brian, I'm a little worried about Peter. Last night I woke up and he was channel surfing through static.
Brian: Oh, I'm sure he'll find a way to cope.
Peter: Morning, Lois.
Brian: And you were worried.
Lois: Peter, what the hell is that?
Peter: It's my favorite TV family, the Griffins.
Lois: Peter, you're scaring me. I'm beginning to think you're losing your grip on reality.
Peter: Boring. I'm gonna go see what else is on.
Lois: Peter! Keep an eye on Stewie.
Brian: Don't move!
Stewie: [Making ridiculous noises] [Screams] A little help?
Peter: Hey! It's Glen Quagmire, the wacky next-door neighbor. What's he up to this time?
Quagmire: I'm going to work!
Peter: Him and his crazy get-rich-quick schemes.
Lois: We have to find your father, Chris. He's not well.
Chris: I never knew anyone who went crazy before. Except my invisible friend Col. Schwartz!
Peter: I get all the channels on this thing. Lifetime. CBS. Hey, UPN. All right, 90210.
Meg: Dad?
Peter: Meg, what are you doing at West Beverly? Oh, boy, they're really reaching for guest stars in the 10th season.
Meg: Dad, what are you doing? Get out of here! I'm already a total outcast because of you!
Peter: Now, honey, you're just upset because you wrecked the cable transmitter.
Meg: I did not! Forget it. What good is a car if I have no friends? I didn't wreck TV! My dad did!
Principal: What?
Teacher: What'd she say?
Groundskeeper: Peter Griffin ruined television?
Hard-hat: And blamed his daughter?
Parachutist: Well, that's the lowest thing I've ever heard.
Lois: Peter, take that thing off and come home.
Peter: Hey, Lois. You're just in time for the exciting conclusion. Looks like some boob's about to get lynched. Let's watch.
Crowd: There they are.
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Hard-hat: Hey, that's the guy who ruined our cable. Let's get him!
Lois: Stop! Stop! What is wrong with you people? Okay, yes. My husband is responsible for knocking out TV. But we should be thanking him. He's broken television's hypnotic spell over us. Now we can see the world for what it is-a beautiful place full of wonderful things just waiting to be experienced.
Peter: Aw, Jeez, another chick flick.
Principal: She's right. All the hours we've wasted on that damn idiot box. I'm gonna paint my house!
Parachutist: I'm gonna build a ship in a bottle.
Old Man: I'm gonna push a hoop with a stick down a dirt road.
Lois: I'll take you home, honey.
Peter: I can't believe I let Meg take the blame. You were right, Lois. TV is evil. You know, I hear that Manson guy watches it in jail all day long.
Charles Manson: If I haven't seen it, it's new to me.
Lois: You just went a little overboard. You need a little balance in your life. There are other things to appreciate besides television.
Peter: You mean like this lamp?
Lois: Yeah. Okay. The lamp gives us light.
Peter: I get it.
Lois: And your family gives you love. You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter: What could me and you do together?
Lois: [Naughty laugh]
Peter: Lois! You've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oh. Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.
Lois: [Amorous giggling]
Peter: What a gorgeous day. Isn't it a gorgeous day, Mr. Sun?
Sun: It's always a nice day with two scoops of raisins, Peter.
[Car alarm blaring]
Peter: Top of the morning, everybody.
Stewie: Excellent! Thus completes the penultimate adjustment to my weather control device! Victory is...release me at once!
Peter: Guys, your mother was right. It'd be a crime to just sit around and wait for the TV to start working.
Meg: Great. So you can teach me how to drive.
Peter: Meg, there'll be plenty of time to drive when you're dead. There's a big world out there just waiting for us to grab it by the short hairs!
Stewie: Damn!
Peter: Let's go.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Peter: I'm so tired. This morning's fly-fishing really wore me out.
Chris: Well, wake up! You promised you'd get this hook out of my mouth. [Screams] Thank you.
Lois: Now, kids, your father's just trying to spend time with his family. Or kill us. I'm not sure which.
Tom Tucker: Those Chinese sure do like to spit, don't they? Well, Diane, that last report was so good, I think you deserve a spanking.
Diane Simmons: Oh, Tom, I don't think your wife would appreciate that.
Tom Tucker: Diane, that frigid old cow lives in Quahog. She can't hear a word I'm saying.
Technician: Actually, we're back on the air in Quahog.
Stewie: Thank God! Their puerile minds are once again distracted by that flickering box. Time to be bad!
Peter: Come on, everyone. We're late for the Bavarian Folk Festival. You know those Germans. You don't join their party, they'll come get you.
Meg: But Dad, the TV's back on.
Peter: Huh, what do you know? Okay, let's go.
Lois: Peter, I'm thrilled that you want to spend so much time with the family. But we're exhausted. Maybe we could just sit and watch some TV together?
Peter: We're too busy living life to the fullest. Come on, let's go.
Lois: I'm sick of life.
Brian: Yeah. My dogs are barking.
Peter: But I thought we were having fun.
Meg: We were. But now it might be nice to watch other people have fun or get killed. You know, whatever's on.
Lois: Look, Peter. It's your favorite show.
Captain Kirk: All right, men. This is a dangerous mission. And it's likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Ricky.
Ensign Ricky: Ah, crap.
Peter: Sorry, Lois. There's only one show I want to see. It's a little something I like to call "Make Every Day Count," starring Peter Griffin as himself.
Lois: Oh, come on, Peter. Don't you miss TV just a little? The familiar stories, the broadly drawn characters, the convenient plot turns that bring a character around at exactly the right moment?
William Shatner: Hi. I'm William Shatner. My car broke down while I was on my wayto give a speech on how TV keeps families together. Say, would you like to hear it?
Peter: No, no, no, I don't want to miss the all-you-can-eat schnitzel bar.
William Shatner: Wait a minute! I love schnitzel!
Peter: Oh, well, come along. I bet you could squeeze into Lois' lederhosen.
William Shatner: I'll change in the car.
Meg: If I had a nickel for every time one of my parents walked out on meinstead of teaching me how to drive, I'd be one rich little...
Lois: Let's go, Meg.
[Sinister instrumental music]
Stewie: Fare thee well, broccoli!
[Band playing German folk music]
William Shatner: I don't know. I can't imagine choosing life over television.
Peter: I'm telling you, it's great, Bill. The only thing that would make this perfect day better is if my family was here.
William Shatner: My God! It was sunny a moment ago, but now it's pouring!
Peter: Hey, let's take off our shoes and run home barefoot!
William Shatner: Griffin, you're a madman! Barefoot, you say?
Lois: This is not safe. I'll teach you how to drive some other time. Pull over.
Meg: Mom, I can't even tell where "over" is.
William Shatner: [Giddy laughter] You were right, Peter. I've never felt so alive.
Stewie: Victory is mine! [screams] God damn it.
William Shatner: [Giddy laughter] My God.
[Car colliding]
Meg: Oh, my God. I hit William Shatner.
William Shatner: Light growing dimmer. Can't breathe. Beam me up, God.
Ensign Ricky: I did not see that coming.
Meg: Daddy, I'm sorry I ran you over and killed Mr. Shatner.
Peter: Ah, don't worry, honey. Soon as I get out of this body cast, I'm gonna do enough living for me and Bill.
Lois: Honey, can't we go back to the way things used to be? There's a big dent in that couch that nobody else can fill.
Peter: Haven't you guys learned anything? TV took over my life once. I'm never gonna let that happen again.
Lois: Oh, my God. We've lost him.
Peter: Hey, if you help me out of here, I know an enchanted meadow where the blueberries are just begging to be picked.
Nurse: Look, buddy. Just go in the pan, and don't call me unless you're flatlining.
Peter: Hey. Hey, turn that TV off. Nurse? Nurse?
Announcer: What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Would you stand on one leg?
Man: Sure.
Announcer: Would you act like a monkey?
Man: Uh-huh. [makes monkey noises]
Announcer: Would you-would you kill a man?
Man: Uh. Uh, well...
[Gunshot]
Meg: Daddy, now that I've finally passed my driver's test, can I still get a convertible?
Peter: No. But I'm proud of you for getting your license, sweetheart.
Lois: And I'm proud of you, Peter. You taught us all a valuable lesson. It's not what you do that defines the quality of your life, it's who you do it with And your family...
Peter: Shhh...It's on.
Lois: I know you don't like broccoli, Stewie, but you'll thank me when you grow up big and strong like your
father.
Stewie: A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman. Mmmm. Oooh, that is good. I feel stronger already. It's good tasting and good for you.
Stewie: Nice try.
Brian: Quadruped.
Stewie: Mutant.
[closing theme music]