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Brian Quotes

Not since the likes of Mr. Ed has there been a more loveable talking animal than Brian. Brian is your typical talking dog in that he's man's best friend, but he's also always seen with a martini, and is always stuck on dates with stupid human women.

Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.

Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.
Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: I drift in and out.

Brian: Hola, me llamo es Brian ... Nosotros queremos ir con ustedes.. uhhhh ...
Bellboy (Spanish): Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just me llamo Brian.
Brian: Oh, oh you speak english!
Bellboy (sigh): No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You .... you're kidding me, right?
Bellboy (Spanish): Que?

Peter- Hey Brian! I turned the stairs into a waterslide!
Brian (after Peter falls down and starts screaming): I'm not going to call an ambulance this time because then you won't learn anything.

Peter: It's already done. I dropped them all off at Toys for Toddlers last night.
Brian: All? Peter, only only one gift was for charity, the rest were for the family.
Peter: No, the rest were from the family. Weren't they? (Pauses.) Oh crap...since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?
Brian: They had a meeting about it last night.
Peter: Why wasn't I told?
Brian: They sent you a card, but it said "for Peter" on it so you must of thought it was from you, so you didn't...you know, its just easier to call you stupid.

Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's ... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!

Brain: Ugh, I can't beileve your serving a three year sentance, it seems so harsh.
Lois: Well, the only upside is that its given me time to think about why I ended up in here, I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in me...
Quagmire: Oh God!
Lois:...and I was tryin' to fill that hole with all kinds of expencive objects, and things...
Quagmire: Oh God!!!
Lois: ...and I felt wonderful with all those things fillin' that hole.
Quagmire: Oh God!!!!!!
Lois: I did this to myself, so im just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Quagmire: That one is also sexual.

"It's either bad meat or good cheese."

"I dont know what you're complaining about Peter, mine goes inside of me when I stand up."

"I'm just a little testy...STOP STARING AT MY TAIL!"

Peter: Have they ever shown him doing somebody in and then feeding on him?
Brian: You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance.
Peter: Yeah.
Brian: No, they've never done that.

Bridget: Quagmire, will you accept this rose?
Quagmire: Really? After I drugged you and had sex with your unconscious body?
Bridget: What?
Quagmire: Yes.

Peter: Aww man! I hate Trivial Pursuit, it always makes me feel so stupid.
Brian: More stupid then that time you locked your keys out of the car?
(Cut to Peter inside the car with his keys lying outside his car door.)
Peter: Damn it! Hey! Hey! Somebody! Hey! Sir! Sir! Sir! You see those keys there? Sir! Si-! (man walks away) Screw you! (Sticks a bent straight hanger out of his window and trys to catch the keys on the hanger. The keys fall.) Oh wanaaahhaahaaa!

Judge: Im sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
Lois: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Chris: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
Kool Aid Guy: OOOOOOOH YA!

Brian: Yes uh, well, Mr. Tucker it seems your son Jake had some vodka at the school dance and uh, Chris got blamed for it. This whole situation has just turned his whole life upside down faced.
Stewie: (Shocked, he widens his eyes and slowly turns head towards Brian--Tom Tucker's son has an upside down face.)

Lois: Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Peter: Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team!
Brian: What the hell are you talking about?

(Peter and Brain are in jail)
Brian: Uh, how was your shower?
Peter: Oh, I tell ya Brian, all the rumors about dropping the soap are true.
Brian: Really?
Peter: Oh yeah, you can't hold onto that thing to save your life. Oh, it was slipping all
over the place. Guys were laughing.

Brian: And remember that time you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?
(Scene cuts to Peter in the movie theater and everyone is crying, but him)
Peter: I got it! Thats the guy from "Big," ah Tom Hanks! Funny guy Tom Hanks, everything he says is a stich.
Tom Hanks' Character: I have aids.
(Peter laughs hysterically.)

Peter: I'm getting an Audi!
Brian: Peter, there's a "T." That says "audit."
Peter: No, Brian, it's a foreign car, the "T" is silent. Sweet, I'm getting an Audi!

Peter: So did your therapist figure out what the problem was?
Brian: Yeah. He thinks I'm in love.
Peter: Oh my God...you can talk!

Peter: I'll give you $40 for that coffin.
Store Owner: Sir, this casket is $1,000.
Peter: I'll give you $2,000.
Store Owner: Sir, that's double what it costs.
Peter: $60.
Brian: [to the store owner] He doesn't know how to haggle.

Brian: Hey, do you hear that?
Peter: What?
Brian: Sounds like someone's screaming.
Peter: What? What is it boy? What are you trying to say?
Brian: It sounds like Loretta is screaming.
Peter: Trouble at the old mill?
Brian: What are you insane?
Peter: Somebody fall through the ice?
Brian: It's summer.
Peter: Bobcat?
Brian: RURURURURURU!!!
Peter: Loretta's in trouble?! Come on boy!

Brian: Peter, are you sure, you've never had much luck telling jokes.
[Flash back to Peter in a net surrounded by apes with guns]
Peter: Okay, Okay. How many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three: One dirty stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin' apes to throw faeces at each other. Hehehehehehe.
[Apes cock shotguns]

Lois: Where would he go?
Peter: I don't know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and Crackerjacks.
Brian: I don't care if he ever gets back. I wasn't being cute, I really hope he's dead.

Brian: Uh..Peter according to this you're not a genius. In fact you're mentally retarded.
Peter: Oh yeah? Well would a mentally retarded guy have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house in celebration of his fantastic test results?
Brian: Uhh maybe.
Peter: Oh.

(At the Quahog county trailer park)
Brian: You're really going to take back donated presents on Christmas Eve?
Peter: Yep, now here's the plan: You'll enter thru the air contitioning duct here. Now there'll be an invisible laser grid three inches from the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin.
Brian: Can I buy some pot from you?

Brian: Hey, barkeep, whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

Stewie: I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug.
Brian: I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.

Ugly Girl: "You mean I could be a prostitute?"
Brian: "Yeah sure, but in your case I would get the money up front."

Brian: "Hey, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you've still got your pants on. What's the occassion?"

Chris: I don't want to get rid of my pimple, I like him. He's my friend. His name is Doug.
Brian: I just wish I didn't have to look at it.
Chris: Well, we have to look at your ANUS all day!
Stewie:Thank you!

Brian: Peter, this is the final plague.
Peter: Good cause this is starting to get boring.
Brian: Peter, the final plague is the death of the first born son.
Peter: Oh no Stewie!
Brian: First born...
Peter: Meg!
Brian: Your daughter...
Peter: Chris!

Stewie: You know it's awfully dangerous for me to be walking around the mall at my height? I say, let me get on your back.
Brian: Oh for God sake.
Stewie: Strong with the force young Skywalker is.
Brian: God, I don't believe this.
Stewie: That is why you fail.

Stewie: Augh! What the hell do you think you're doing?
Brian: I'm cleaning myself.
Stewie: You were clean fifteen minutes ago, now you're just on vacation.

Brian: You want some ice cream?
Stewie: No.
Brian: You want some McDonalds?
Stewie: No.
Brian: You want to take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes?
Stewie: Yeah.
Brian: Okay, let's go and take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

Peter: I'M RETARDED!
Brian: I don't want to say "I told you so", but... YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! IN YOUR ****ING FACE! IN YOUR ****ING FACE!!! ... I am so sorry...

Stewie: What are the stakes of this wager?
Brian: Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Excellent, and if I win?
Brian: I wasn't betting: why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Stewie: (pause) You're on.

(Peter and Brian are setting up a crib for the expected baby.)
Brian: Insert Rod A into Rod Support B.
Peter: That's what she--
Brian: If you say that's what she said one more time I'm gonna pop you.
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Brian: "So how did she take it?"
Peter: "I told her she was fat."
Brian: (HIts Peter with rolled up paper) "NO,NO!"

Peter: She was with some guy going, "Bam bam bam bam bam!"
Brian: Uhh...Peter? Uhh...
Peter: Hang..Hang on I'm not done. "Bam bam bam!" And she's all, "Oh yeah oh yeah." "Bam bam bam!" Wanna take it from here Bam Bam?
Bam Bam: Bam bam bam bam bam! You wanna take it from here Emeril?
Emeril: Bam!

Brian: Oh, please, Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs.
Meg & Peter: *gasp*
Brian: Too soon?

Peter: You gotta help me Brian. Teach me how to be a gentleman.
Brian: Well, Peter, it's not really that hard. Let's start with polite conversation. For example, 'it's a pleasure to see you again. Lovely weather we're having.' Now you try.
Peter: 'It's a pleasure to see you again. After Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex.' How's that?
Brian: Wow. Perfect. My work is done. But just for the heck of it, let's try it again.

Chris: "I don't have to listen to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul!"

Stewie: If I choose to make stool in my pants right now, you're the only one here to change me. What do you think of that, hmm?
Brian: I'm not going to change you.
Stewie: What?
Brian: I said, I'm not going to change you.
Stewie: You can't be serious. Well, what if I make a fudgie? Well, I just won't. I just won't that's all. I just won't. Blast! I just did.

Peter: You know that whole Vietnam thing? Never happened.
Brian: Oh yeah, but don't mention it around the Veterans Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.

Peter: If I were half the parent Brian is I would know that Chris's favorite ice cream is...
Brian: Chocolate chip.
Peter: And I'd know that Stewie's favorite bedtime story is...
Brian: Good Night Moon.
Peter: And I'd know that Meg's real father is...
Brian: Stan Thomson.

Brian Griffin: Aiight, aiight, so I'm chillin with my homies in Verona, when my homie busts out with "Yo, Romeo, check out that biatch, Juilet, in the window." The problem is, Juilet's peeps are like East Coast rappers, and my posse's representin' West Siiiide, just like my boys Tupac and BigE, know what I'm sayin?
Student 1: That's racist man.
Student 2: Yeah man, that's just straight ig'nant.

Brian: I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment ... and a stomach virus ... and an inner ear infection.

Brian (as Mark Twain): Well kids I better be getting back to the 1800's in my time steamboat (goes behind the desk).
Brian: Sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything?
Chris: Yeah! Captain Crunch was here!

Lady (next to Brain at a bar): I think you've had about enough.
Brian: Well, I... I think you're wrong, you... you increasingly attractive looking woman. You know, you’re... you’re really pretty
Lady: Oh, stop!
Brian: No. I'm... I'm serious... You could... you could be in magazines. You could! And not just Juggs or Creamsicle...
(Lady walks away.)
Brian: Call me!
Brian (looks at bartender): She won't call.

Cop Radio: We have a gang shooting on 3rd and Main. Three wounded, one dead.
Brian: Is it just me or is rap getting lazier?

Peter (to Brian before he gets neutered):I am not looking forward to what you're going to be like once they do this to you.
Brian (overweight and eating a box of chocolates): I LOVE chocolate...but I can't eat it because then I'll get fat. But it's SOOOO good!

Stewie (picking his nose): Does this not disgust you?
Brian: Kid, you're talkin' to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.

Brian: Gosh, I'd like to help you, Peter, but I've got to go out in the hall and chew on the back of my ass for about five minutes.

Peter: If I was half the parent Brian is, I'd know that Chris's favorite ice cream is ...
Brian: Chocolate chip.
Peter: And Stewie's favorite bed-time story is ...
Brian: Goodnight Moon.
Peter: And Meg's real father's name is ...
Brian: Stan Thompson.

Brian: You're asking me if they've ever done an episode where the Count kills someone, and then drinks their blood for sustinance?
Peter: Yeah.
Brian: No, i don't think they've done that one, yet.

Brian: Oh my god! They're eating Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa!
Peter: That's crazy...they'll just be hungry again in an hour.

Hotel Manager: And this is the bathroom, but watch out we got some bad roaches here.
Red Roach: Hey, you're on our turf man!
Green Roach: Hey mana, I'll cut you, I'll cut you up so bad you, you gonna wish I no cut you so bad!
Brian: Those are bad roaches.
Manager: I blame the schools.

Brian: If dogs aren't supposed to eat dental floss out of the trash, why did they make it mint flavored?

Peter: I'M RETARDED!
Brian: I don't want to say "I told you so", but... YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! IN YOUR ****ING FACE! IN YOUR ****ING FACE!!! ... I am so sorry...

(Peter and Brian are setting up a crib for the expected baby.)
Brian: Insert Rod A into Rod Support B.
Peter: That's what she--
Brian: If you say that's what she said one more time I'm gonna pop you.