Three Kings

Hi, it's me, Peter, your TV cartoon pal.
Y'know, Lois has bitchin' lately
that I watch too much TV and don't read enough books.
So I went to the library and picked up three books
by the greatest author of the last thousand years.
Stephen King.
And tonight I'd like to share them with you.
We begin with a little tale called "Stand by Me"
about 4 young boys who went looking for a dead body
and instead found ..... themselves.
... and also a dead body.
The year was 1955
and the voice in my head was that of Richard Dreyfuss.
I never had friends like the ones I had when I was 12.
There was me, Petey Lachance
Anyone else fed up with this over-saturation of media?
Three channels, and still nothin' on.
Then there was Joey Duchamp
The voice in his head was Roy Scheider.
How are you, Richard?
Fine, Roy, how are you?
Good, good.
We should grab a drink sometime and catch up.
Maybe reminisce about "Jaws".
Great, you should give me a call sometime.
My number's 555 ...
Wait, wait. What?
555?
Er ... yeah.
You know what, Richard?
If you don't want to have drinks, just say so.
You don't have to be a dick about it.
Oh, please!
Make the voices stop!
And then there was Quag Chambers.
He was the leader of our gang.
He had sex when he was five
and committed his first rape when he was ten.
Rape, of course,
being legal in the 50's.
Ha ha. Beat those cards, fellows!
Ha ha ha.
Giggity, giggity, 50's, giggity
Hey, you guys ...
Finally, there was Cleve Brown
my pudgy black friend.
I can still see him now
all pudgy and black.
Cleve, please, we're busy lookin' at Playboy.
Look at the way these women starve themselves.
This one can't be more that 180 pounds.
This is way better than Playboy.
Do you guys wanna see a dead body?
Cleve, it's 1955.
Please re-enter the clubhouse in a more stereotypically animated fashion.
Lord a'mighty! I done seen me
a dead body down by the lake!
Sho' nuff, I thought I'd go deef and dumb
when I saw me that dead body!
Cleve, calm down!
You're not making any sense!
Anything was possible as we set out that day
except contracting AIDS
because AIDS had not yet been invented by the government
in an effort to eradicate the homosexual community.
Have Gun, Will Travel, reads the card of a man
A knight without armour in a savage land
OK, I got another one.
- Show me that smile again - Ooh, show me that smile
Don't waste another minute on your cryin' ...
We decided to cut through old man Pressman's junkyard.
Even though legend had it, that any kid caught scaling the fence
ran the risk of being attacked by the old man's dog.
who would charge to the cry of "Chopper, sick balls"
I got a bad felling about this.
Hey!
What are you kids doin'?
Oh no, it's him!
That's right!
Old man Pressman.
I own the junkyard.
I'm cranky 'cos all my stuff is junk.
Why can't I have nice things?
Chopper, sic 'em!
Sic 'em, boy!
Now, he said "sic 'em, boy",
but what I heard was
"Chopper, talk to disfigured World War 2 veterans
who aren't as bitter as they should be."
Glad I could do my part.
I think you may have done too much.
Hey, how about this brand new thing called rock'n'roll?
Even though it was just invented,
we already remember it fondly.
Here's Little Richard with "Piano Riff Woooo"
My arse!
Man, this trip is dangerous.
Couldn't we have just taken a bus?
..... black guy.
Uh, guys, anyone know when the next train is scheduled?
Don't worry. If a train comes I'll warn you in slow motion.
T-r-a-i-n!
Aaaaaaahhhh!!!
Aaaaahhh! Aaaaahhh! My legs!
A-n-o-t-h-e-r t-r-a-i-n!
Aaaaaaahhhh!!! Aaaaaaahhhh!!! Aaaaaaahhhh!!!
What an odd, clustered train schedule!
Hey, sorry you paralyzed, Joey.
Ah, it's alright.
Thanks for goin' all the way back
to the junkyard to get me this wheelchair.
Boy, was old man Pressman angry.
O-o-o-o-o-h-h-h-h-h!!!
Well, there it is.
None of us could breathe.
The twisted and mangled body
we had come to see
was far more disgusting
than any of us could
ever have imagined.
He's nasty.
Out of my way, you little pipsqueaks!
I'm taking credit for finding this body.
It was the meanest guy in town.
Ace, and his whole gang.
Beast-man, Mer-man, and for some reason, Norm from "Cheers."
Hey, gang.
What, are we beatin' somebody up?
Now, get lost!
We'll take it from here.
Kiss my grits,
you cheap dime store hood.
This ain't over, Lachance.
I mean, you have a gun right now, but tomorrow
I'll get a gun and come to your house and kill you.
Oh .... yeah, I guess you could do that, huh?
I mean, we live in the same town.
And I just can't be on my guard for the rest of my life.
Boy, that is a major hole in this story.
OK, take the body.
We never forgot that wonderful summer,
and eventually, we all went our seperate ways.
Joey learned to live without the use of his legs,
and even went on to create a wheelchair type rugby game
called "Don't-feel-sorry-for-us-ball"
Cleve grew up and went on to marry Rebecca Romjin.
Actually, I'm not even joking about that.
The fat kid from "Stand by Me" is now married to Rebecca Romjin.
Can you believe that?
I swear to God!
Look it up on the internet!
Doesn't that piss you off?
Quag grew up to become a famous Hollywood actor.
Unfortunately, about a week ago,
he took an overdose of designer drugs at the Viper Room.
He died on the kerb outside.
And now, we're left with a hair lipped reminder
of what might have been.
Hi. Welcome back from commercials.
Joaquin Phoenix, if you're still watching,
you are a good sport and a trooper.
And you passed our test,
and you can be our friend.
And now for a segment we like a little less than the first and the last ...
Here's "Misery."
Marcia, I've done it!
I've finished the book and Snuggly Jeff is dead
and the readers are just gonna love it.
Paul, I still wish I could talk you out of this.
Snuggly Jeff is the most succesful children's book series ever.
Yeah, but I wanna get into writing more serious stuff.
Y'know, something where the reader doesn't have a load in his pants while he's lookin' at it.
Well, we'll talk about it when you get back.
This just in ...
The Weather Service has reported a big snow storm on its way.
Oh, my God!
Stephen King!
Aaaaahhhh!!!
Hey, this'd make a neat story!
Done!
I'm your number one fan.
I'm your number one fan.
I'm your number one fan.
O-o-o-o-o-h-h-h ...
Who ... wh-who are you?
I'm Stewie Wilkes.
I saved your life.
You were in a terrible car accident
and you broke both your legs.
I taste lipstick!
Am I wearing lipstick?
Not any more.
Um, Paul, quick question, and feel free to say no,
but I couldn't help but notice the new Snuggly Jeff manuscript
in your bag, and, I was wondering if I could read it
then kill you if I hate it?
Well, I guess that'd be OK.
Oh, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!
Can I read it while I touch your ear and suck my thumb?
Uh, I guess.
Oh, goody, goody!
Stewie?
I just finished the book, you dirty birdy!
How could you?
He can't be dead!
Snuggly Jeff cannot be dead!
Aaaaaarrrr!!
Look, Stewie, I've gone as far as I can with Snuggly Jeff,
and I .. I wanna write something more serious
Well, you are gonna write Snuggly Jeff back to life, Mr. Man.
Look, Stewie, first of all,
you're insane.
And second of all, I have to be inspired before I write.
Well, how 'bout a little TV?
We now return to Magnum B.M.
Magnum, I've found a fingerprint
smudge at the crime scene.
Do you have poo on your hands?
A little.
No, no, no!
This won't do, Paul.
You can't just have Snuggly Jeff
magically brought back to life
by a child's wish.
It's insulting to the reader!
What do you mean?
Well, it's just bad story telling.
Let's see ... How can I explain this to you?
Did you ever see the movie Contact?
Yeah.
So, like, they spent a trillion dollars building this mile high space machine
and Jake Busey blows it up.
So, now they're all like:
"Oh, no. We can't use the space machine"
But then this other guy's like:
"Hey, it just so happens,
"I built another identical trillion dollar space machine
at my own expense, on the other side of the world"
And we're supposed to believe
no-one noticed that?
Well, I stood up in the theatre and I said:
"No! You can't go into space
because the machine already got blown up
by Jake Cock-a-Doody Busey!"
Start over!
Fine. But you're gonna have to go into town
and get me some more paper.
I'm all out.
Uh, I don't know, Paul
Let me see if I can get the Big Wheels started.
Rurrr, rurr, rurr, rurr.
Oh, I don't know, Paul. It's not starting.
Rurrr, rurr, rurr, rurr.
Oh, I'm afraid I'm gonna flood it.
Rurrr, rurr, rurr, rurr.. Vrooooom!
Vrooooom! Vrooooom!
OK. I got it now.
I'll see you in a bit.
Heh heh. He's too big for that car.
Mr. Sheldon?
Oh, my God! I'm saved!
Let's get outta here before Stewie gets back!
Ah! My legs!
Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair!
No you're not.
Well, that's it, Stewie.
The book is done.
Can I go now?
Oh, no, Paul. I'm not stupid.
If I let you go, you'll just run straight to the police
and tell them I kidnapped you and held you hostage
and fondled you while you were asleep.
No, I ...wait ...What?
You'll tell them that while you were sleeping
I did things to you that you don't remember.
You .. fondled me while I was asleep?
Yeah.
I don't think I like that.
Well, it's done.
Everybody still awake?
Alright. Big finish.
Now, you remember that Stephen King story
when the guy went up to the empty hotel
and there were those creepy twins
and a guy was runnin' around with that axe
and a kid talked to his finger?
Ah ha, can't you see Stewie doin' that?
Well, here's "The Shawshank Redemption"
The first time I laid eyes on Andy Dufresne
I didn't think much of him.
He was a fat drink of water,
the kind of drink of water that y'know your friend
got from the bathroom and not from the kitchen.
5 packs of cigarettes says the fat one breaks first tonight.
You're on. I'll take the Don Martin looking one.
A month went by before Andy said 2 words to somebody.
As it turned out, that somebody was me.
Vagina, boob.
Later, Andy came back with more than 2 words.
I understand you're a man who knows how to get things.
I've been known to procure various and sundry items.
I .. I .. I don't understand what you just said.
I need stuff.
Can you get it?
What do you need?
I need a rock hammer.
What's it for?
I carve Star Wars figurines outta stone
but it's also for not tunneling my way outta here.
Wow. Can you carve me a set of
women's private parts out of stone?
Sure.
Or you could just have sex with Helen Hunt.
- Ah ha ha ha ha ha! - Ha ha ha ha haa!
Ah, we've only had one conversation
but I can tell we're gonna be life long friends.
And since you're black and I'm white
that makes it more especial for the audience.
Inspection!
You Andy Dufresne?
A little bit. You?
Ah ha ha ha ha!
I'm just tweakin' your bum.
What can I do for you?
I understand you make Star Wars figurines.
Oh, Grievous! Wicked!
Well, anyway, I'm a pretty corrupt guy
so I figured I could sell your figurines and pocket the cash.
What d'ya say?
I don't know ...
Oh, come on!
I'll even cripple that guy who rapes you in the shower.
But I like that guy.
Too late!
Ah, my legs!
Two things never happened again
after that.
Boggs never walked again,
and Andy's farts
never made a sound again.
Thanks to the Star Wars figurines Andy carved,
he landed a cushy job cleanin' the warden's office.
OK, you clean up the warden's office
while I go pop out a pine cone.
Plays "Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani
To this day, I have no idea what
that woman was singin' about.
Like, literally, no idea.
I don't know what a hollaback girl is.
But I have to imagine
it's a foul disease ridden thing
that wears too much makeup
to cover up the fact that it's a 47 year old fish dog.
Andy, I think you know why I've called you in here today.
A prison is an environment which requires
the highest level of discipline ...
and that little stunt you pulled today
.. that little stunt you pulled today
made a lot of people look very foolish.
Look, warden .. we got it rough in here
I just thought we could use a little music.
Music is expressly forbidden inside prison walls!
My God! How can you be so obtuse?
What did you call me?
Obtuse. You're bein' obtuse.
Two months in the hole!
Or am I being obtuse?
Nope, now you're bein' acute.
That time in the hole changed ol' Andy.
I'm gettin' outta here tonight, Red.
I'm gonna take the poop pipe to the crap swamp.
Wow. Where you headed once you get out?
Zihuatanejo.
Sounds fancy.
Eh, actually, it's a filthy Mexican village.
Listen, Red
when you get outta here,
I want you to do somethin' for me.
Up in a hayfield in Buxton, Maine, under an old oak tree,
there's a rock that has no earthly business bein' there.
Under that rock is a box with somethin' I want you to have.
Course, now that I think about it, I've been in her 25 years
All these landmarks are based on possibly outdated observations.
That whole area could be a Wal-Mart by now.
If it is, pick yourself up some nice cheap pants
and good life to you.
Inspection!
Dufresne? Dufresne!
Dufresne, you better get your arse out here before
here before you make me cut this sentence shor ....
Where is he? Where the hell is Dufresne?
I don't know, Sir.
I want him found ... now.
Not after breakfast
Not after C.S.I.
Now!
God, I'm so angry
I could just throw a rock at that poster of David Cassidy.
What the warden and his boys didn't realise was
that Andy Dufresne had escaped from Shawshank Prison
the night before.
Andy crawled to freedom
through 500 yards of foulness
I can't even imagine.
Andy Dufresne,
the man who crawled through a river of poop
and came out clean on the other side.
Why he chose enchilada night,
I will never know.
Do you believe, in your best judgement,
that you have been rehabilitated?
Rehabilitated?
It's just a stupid made up word
so boys like you can sit behind a desk,
wear a fancy suit, and feel important.
You're a jerk! And I had sex with your mother last night!
And I swear to God, you let me out of here,
first thing I'm gonna do is kill again.
When I got outta Shawshank,
there was only one thing on my mind.
A promise I made to a friend that I had to keep.
Walk along the stone wall until you reach the tree,
and that's where you'll find the rock.
Dear Red,
If you've come this far,
maybe you're willing to go a little further.
You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?
Crap!
What? Oh! Oh, is that him?
Is that..? No, no, beach dog.
Oh! Oh! Is that Red?
Is it? No, no. Not him either.
Where the hell is that jagoff? There's like 1200 bucks in that box.
Oh, my God, if he ran off with that ...
Oh, I am gonna be so pissed!
And what am I gonna do? Go to the authorities?
I just broke out of prison.
Now, what? I gotta spend the rest of my life here by myself?
Well, at least I won't have to be self conscious about my farting.
Well, that's our show.
Thank you, Stephen King.
We'll see you in court.
Now stay tuned for whatever FOX
is limpin' to the barn with.
Subtitles by Keef