The Man with Two Brians

Family Guy 7x05 - The Man with Two Brians
Subtitles: reaper http://FamilyGuyRussia.com/
We now return to Jackass.
Hello. My name's Johnny Knoxville and I'm gonna take a shotgun blast to the face.
Okay. Ready?
These guys are hilarious. They do so much funny stuff.
Hey. You know what. We should try some of that stuff. Here, at home.
I don't know Peter. That scull and crossbones warning before show us pretty clear about not doing that.
Cleveland, shut up. I saw something on TV that I want to imitate.
Peter, what are you-- What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof!
Go back in the house, Lois. We're being Jackass.
- Okay, ready? - All right, we're rolling.
I'm Peter Griffin and this is shopping cart--
Roof-- Roo-- Roof-- roofsho-- roof shopping cart.
Guys-- Okay, go!
Aw. Aw. Aw.
Oh my god! Are you okay?
I don't know. I don't know. What is it look like?
Wha-- What do I do? Aw. Ah, ah, what is that?
What is that? I feel something.
It's your spine, dude. It got like you ate down a bunch of nachos.
I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm sca--
Oh god!
This is get fixed with ice or heat?
Ice now, heat later.
I'm Glenn Quagmire and this is bee-bush.
All right, what did you do to yourself, Quagmire?
Well, I just covered my entire private area with honey.
Now we're just waiting for the bees. Giggity.
All right, here they come.
Heh. Okay. Okay, they're on there. Just-- just nobody move.
All right, nobody-- nobody do nothing, don't wanna-- don't wanna make 'em mad.
Stop it! Knock it off!
Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad.
I hate you bees.
Oh, stop! Stop! Knock it off! Knock it off!
I'm serious, stop! Stop! Stop! Just stop!
All right, that's enough! That's enough. Just-- get them off.
Get them off. Put them back in the hive.
Yeah, all right, enough is enough. Cleveland, open the hive.
All right, Quagmire, bring them over here.
Oh my!
Argh! What the fuck?!
Why would you do that?
Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner.
Peter, this is not safe at all.
Shut up, Brian. Just keep filming. Okay.
I'm Peter Griffin and I am the Greatest American Hero.
My special power is being somehow memorable after a very short run on TV.
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- Get some, Peter! - Nice job at that ramp, Joe.
There's one thing I know. It's ramps.
Wait a minute guys, I think he's really hurt.
Help! Help, I think my arm is broken.
Aw! My back! I can't move.
I though-- I was gonna die.
You know, Peter, I'd expect this kind of behaviour from you
but you have no business endangering Brian like that.
Thank you, Lois.
I mean he jumped into that lake to try to save your life and he's 8 years old, Peter.
8! That's 56 in human years.
Okay, Lois.
Why do you think he almost drowned?
He's old, Peter. Plus he drinks and smokes all the time
so take that 56 and make it 79 at least.
Why you making such a big deal out of this, Lois? I was just a little tired.
Yeah, well that's how it begins, Brian. Then the next thing you know
I'm making Peter dig a hole in the yard and you're in the pillowcase.
Peter, what's wrong? You've been so quiet all day.
Ah, it's just what you said the other day, Lois.
I'm starting to think you might be right.
Brian's getting old.
He's not the dog he used to be and-- I'll have to get used to it.
Just like I've got to used to my acrylic nails.
Stainian wine, Stock and Riceman.
Hey, Loranda.
No, I've got 4 people on hold but I can talk.
Good morning, everybody. Brian, I have something to say.
I'm sorry I've been so preoccupied with your age.
Well-- Look, Peter-- Don't worry, just let's forget about it.
Fantastic. And to help us forget about it
family, I'd like to introduce-- New Brian.
Hey, gang! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a hug around here?
Oh, I like him.
- You got a new dog? - Yes, sir!
But-- I'm the dog.
Well, now you getting old and New Brian's here to take some of the load off.
- Can he do tricks? - Oh, you bet!
He's trained to fetch, roll over, and make you feel realy good about yourself.
Well, Meg and Chris, I can't decide which one of your hats I like better.
I-- I can't believe you've got a new dog. What about me?
Hey, you still my buddy. New Brian is just a new friend for the family.
Trust me, you guys are gonna get along better that Abraham Lincoln and his neighbour.
Hey, Dale. I've noticed lawn's getting a little high.
Yeah, I used to have a guy for that.
Dick!
Okay now, you have a good one.
My word, what a gorgeous way to wake up.
I hope you don't mind. I checked the time your alarm was set for and I shut it off.
I figured this might be a more gentle way to start off the day.
Ah, that is so thoughtful, New Brian.
I'll start up again in 9 minutes.
Hey, Meg. I know how you like to let off steam once in a while, so I've got you a journal.
You got me a journal?
Actually, I got you two of them: my right ear and my left ear. Fire it away.
Dear diary. Today at the school library I saw a picture in National Geographic of a woman
with nipples that cover most of her breast too.
And suddenly I didn't feel so alone.
You know what it sounds like to me?
Sounds like the woman on that picture was pretty beautiful.
All right, I'll see you at dinner. Take fast.
Wow! Deodorant! Are you sure, I'm old enough?
Oh, I think so. I'm gonna make you a little less gross every day.
Hey, New Brian. Ah, you have a guitar.
Yep. In fact I wrote a new song today and I want to hear what you think of it.
Where did you find the time for that?
Peter, inspiration doesn't have a schedule.
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Hey, Brian. I went out for a run this morning and I found this sitck.
I thought you might like it.
Wow. Thanks a lot.
And I've got you some of this. I don't smoke it myself but I sure won't judge you.
Gosh! Thanks!
Check you later, handsome guy.
Well, you know, I wasn't sure about this new dog thing at first
but I've gotta tell you, he's a really terrific guy.
You poor damn fool.
- What? - You have no idea what's going on here.
He's not just a delightful new friend for the family.
He's your replacement!
Oh, come on, that's ridiculous.
You're getting old, Brian, and they know it.
You no longer the cover girl. Look at Carol Alt.
Tha-- That's-- You're Carol Alt.
So? I'm through listening to you.
Fine. Think what you want, aging supermodel Carol Alt.
Carol, come in here. They saying your name on the Family Man.
- What? - Huh?
- What? - Huh?
- What? - I forget.
And besides, Brian, the evidence is all right in front of your nose.
That's hilarious, New Brian.
Now do your impression of Punky Brewster's father.
Punky!
Oh, Punky.
Oh, Punky.
You have a dog named Brandon.
Hey, I'm Carol Alt for Polygrip.
They did it again!
- Who? - The Family Man.
- Is that the one with the fish? - No, that's American Boy.
Okay, relax Brian, there's no way they'd replace you.
But it probably couldn't hurt to remind them how much they value you as a family member.
Okay, everybody, tonight I've got a real treat for you.
We've all see you compilation video, Brian.
Shatner singing Rocketman, drunk Orson Welles during that commercial
Silvester Stallone in that porno, and Bill Cosby beating up that midget.
Well, I don't remember that last one.
Oh yes, freakin' brutal, for no reason.
You know, poor little guy just sitten there eating a snack pack
Bill Cosby just runs in out of nowhere and just starts wailing on him.
Didn't that guy died?
No, no, these are home movies from when I was a puppy.
- He died. - Okay, look, just watch.
[Keep off the grass]
Ah, look at him sleep.
Oh, I wander what he's dreaming about.
Shut up, Meg.
- Did you hear that? - He farted.
Just like in the song.
Argh, what the hell is the matter with you? Outside, outside, now!
Well, I hate to say "I told you so" but--
Wait a minute, I love saying "I told you so".
Doi! Hey, Stewie Griffin, meet Stewie Griffin.
Nice to meet you. Charmed, I'm sure.
Great outfit. Oh, go on. No, it is.
So what if they have a new dog? Lots of families have two dogs.
Hey, Brian, I thought maybe we could spend an afternoon together?
Really? That'd be great!
Awsome! 'Cause I've got this new gun.
Here we go.
And I thought we could go deep in the woods.
Where noone would ever think to look.
Oh, boy!
And a-- just shoot it.
Awkward.
You know, like so far in noone can hear a gunfire.
Little on the nose.
Or screaming.
Uh, I don't think so, Peter.
Jesus, looks like he thinks I'm gonna shoot him.
He acted all crazy like Quagmire when he drunk dials me.
- Hello. - Hey, wha-- what are-- what are you doing?
- Quagmire, I'm sleeping. - Yeah, I was just out with Joe. Wha-- what are-- what are you doing?
- I just told you. - Aw, that's right, I just-- I just asked that. I forgot.
Hey, hey, this song made me think of you, so wa-- listen to this song.
--awesome? - You said you weren't gonna call him.
It's not him, you big bully.
Joe-- Joe told me not to call you.
- So w-- so wha-- so what's you doing? - Sigh.
Everyone, I have an announcement to make.
I've decided, I'm leaving.
What? Leaving? Brian, why?
Well, you know, I feel like I've sort of-- ran my course here and
you know, besides there's whole big world out there and it's time I saw it.
But-- Brian, you live here, this is your home.
I know but I thought about this long and hard and--
Long and hard.
I am sorry, Brian, please, please, continue.
This is just something I have to do.
Well, where will you go?
Well, I haven't decided that yet but I promise I'll be in touch.
Wait, how is that one dirty?
It's-- I was remembering long and hard.
Well, if your mind is made up about this, Brian, then I wish you the best of luck.
I hope this move won't be a boner for you.
- Peter? - Huh?
- What? - I was just saying to Brian, I hope this move won't be a boner.
I-- I would agree. I hope he finds what he's looking for.
Okay-- Well-- We gonna miss you, Brian.
Hey, everybody, let's watch this tape.
Okay, now there's the midget just sitting there.
Now watch the left side of the screen.
I'm in a bad mood and I'm gonna take it out on you.
Oh my god, well, he's obviously drunk.
Aw! Aw, you're hurting me.
About which I do not care very much.
- Pancake? - Just a small one, thanks.
My god, these are the best pancakes I've ever had.
I bet Brian would love these pancakes.
I wander where he is.
He's next door with Cleveland.
I saw him on my morning paper route.
You know, I appreciate you letting me stay with you but
I'm perfectly capable of going into the bathroom by myself.
Sorry, but there's leash in this neighbourhood and you never know who's watching.
I'm watching you make stool.
Hey, New Brian. Oh, I see you're having pie.
You know, pie isn't really pie without coolwhip.
Everything's better with coolwhip.
- Did you heared what I said? - Yeah, what about it?
It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it?
- Coolwhip. - No, why would it?
Coolwhip. I'm putting emphasys on the H.
Sounds right to me.
Nothing ever bothers you, does it?
No, not really, I like everything.
God, he's bigger buzz kill than Buzz Killington.
Stewie. Do you know why W.S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings?
No.
Because he was quartered on the port side.
Now that I've got you, let's both revisit the birth of the D'Oyly Carte Opera Company.
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Okay, New Brian, you're next.
Oh no, oh boy, all right.
Well, I can't do this alone. Lois, I'm gonna need your help here.
Okay, Rita Coolidge's less talented sister here.
I what way is that a joke?
Okay, then you start.
I-- I don't know-- Am I blue or am I red?
You're blue, you're blue.
Okay, I'll do it then.
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Thanks for letting me stay, Glenn. I hope I'm not in the way.
No, no, should be fine. But-- listen, Brian.
I'm gonna be bringing a puerto-rican girl over here later
and she's superhot and real nice but
when she was five years old her dad ran over one of her legs with his van
and it's still kinda messed up in a pretty obvious instantly visible way and uh--
please don't say anything and--
try to make eye contact with her when she waddles in because I want this to work.
Uh-- Yeah. Sure. No problem.
I'm serious, Brian, that leg is a trainwreck.
I mean she herself is so pretty but--
that thing just looks like a string of sausages with one empty casing in 'em.
- I get it. - I mean it's quite a sight.
You know, when she's not looking you should take a look at it but
but, good god, be discreet.
Yeah, I'll uh-- I'll check that out.
Stewie, what are you doing here?
Brian, you've gotta come back.
- Why? - Because.
New Brian is such a tool.
I mean he's-- he's so damn sweet and saccharine and
perfect and he's turnin the family in to the bunch of douches.
No big deal, you've always told me I was a douche.
Yeah. But you were my douche, Brian. My douche.
Come back and be my douche again.
Hi. I'm looking for Glenn.
Argh! What happened to your leg?
Damn it, Brian.
Come back home, Brian.
I tell you what, when this is all over, I'll make you some pie with a nice dollop of coolwhip.
There it is again, why you putting so much emphasys on the H?
That's exactly why I miss you, Brian.
Forget it, I'm going back as long as that new dog is there.
As long as he's a part of that family there's no place for me.
Can't say I blame you, I hate him as much as you do, Brian.
He's a bad fit. Like a crocodile at the alligator rally.
Yeah, lurking in the water with our eyes poken out.
Yeah!!!
Sneaking up on a crane or an egret and snapping our jaws on it.
Yeah!!!
And sometimes walking out on to a dry plane
or dusty field because it's nice to get out of the swamp now and then.
Yeah!!! Wa-- Wait. What?
Dry plane. Dusty field.
Nice to get out of the swamp.
What a crock!
And that's where we get the term.
Hey, New Brian, bad news. You got to leave.
Huh? What are you talking about? This is my home.
Nobody likes you here, man.
Well, I disagree, I think everybody likes me.
No, we don't. We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights,
and we especially don't like the way you humped that chair in the den.
Well, Rupert seems to like my humping.
What did you said?
Rupert. Humped him for two hours yesterday.
He just laid there and took it.
- Did he? - Yeah!
And now every time you sleeping with him, he's gonna be thinking of me.
And that is why I killed myself
chopped myself up and put myself in the garbage.
Well, he must have had some demons.
Oh my god, suicide. How could we misjudge him so severly.
Often times it's the one who seem a happiest.
Well, the upside is at least we have our Old Brian back.
From now on, buddy, you're the only animal I care about.
Hey, everybody, I'm Bernie the hamster.
Would you like to be my friend?
Aaaah, oh my god--
It's okay, Peter.
Yeah, oh my god, oh my god, it's hamster--
We'll talk about it, when you want to talk about it.
I don't blame you.
I-- I don't blame you.