Stew Roids

Oh, Joe, thank you so much for inviting us to your barbeque.
Well, it's my pleasure, Lois.
Hey, can one of you weathermen come over here
and comment on the meat while I'm cookin' it?
Yeah, I got it.
Oh, yeah. Oh, those are lookin' good.
Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about.
Yeah, don't flip 'em too often, now. You don't wanna lose the juices.
Yeah, yeah. Comin' along nicely.
Oh, those are cookin' just fine.
Scoop that one up and put it back down in the exact same spot.
Alright, they're done! Time to eat!
Oh boy! I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.
I ... errr ... I mis-spoke.
Wow, Bonnie, you really took off the baby weight quickly.
Oh, thanks, Lois
Hey, do mind rubbing some of that sun-block on my back?
Of course, Bonnie.
Ooh, but I don't wanna get any on my shirt.
Mmm ... that feels good.
Um, you're going a little low there, Lois
Ah-ha ha, ok, I'm sorry.
Giggety!
Ah, Joe, Susie's such a cute baby.
Hey, whatever happened to your son, Kevin?
He died in Iraq.
Sad.
I won't let you walk out of here without that dress.
Oh, I don't know ...
- Will I ever wear it? - Yes you will.
You've got that thing for the opening of the library next week.
It's perfect for that.
Hey, everybody!
Oh, look, it's Black Barbie!
And why are you all alone?
Oh, they discontinued my boyfriend.
Mom says I'm the one who's hair it's OK to cut.
Hey! I was playing with that!
Hey, come back here!
Alright, you asked for it.
Holy crap!
Alright, let's try that one again.
Oh, my God, Stewie!
Ha! Your kid got beat up by a baby girl.
Oh man, this is more painful to watch than when Family Ties does a Tina Yothers episode.
Jennifer, What happened in school today?
I got my period!
And I will see the Keaton family next week.
Ok, now, sweetie. This isn't gonna hurt at all.
Aaahh! Those lying bastards at Johnson and Johnson!
We'll put "No More Tears" on the label.
- But, it does make you cry. - I know.
Heh heh heh! Ah hah! Ha ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Lois, you should just let those wounds get infected.
It'll teach him a lesson about being tough.
Peter, he's just a baby.
You gotta let this go.
My baby boy got beat up by a girl!
What was weird, was that she was crying ...
... but the way she was standing over me, made it look like I was crying.
Which was weird.
Peter, what exactly are you worried is gonna happen because of this?
World War 5!
Peter, we've been over this ...
There has to be a World War 3 and 4 first.
Oh, no. Oh, no
That's the beauty of World War 5, Lois.
It's so intense, it skips over the other two.
Peter, it doesn't work ...
I have spoken!
Huuh! There's Connie D'Amico
Chris, don't walk next to me.
Hi, Connie.
Uh, so, I heard you talking in the hall the other day
about how much you liked High School Musical 2,
so I burned you the soundtrack.
OK, prepare for itemised insults.
A: Don't ever listen to me talk.
You don't deserve my words.
B: When I said I enjoyed it, I was speaking ironically.
And ... C: You actually liked High School Musical?
What are you, 8?
No, that's impossible, because I've seen that big
hairy mud flap arse of yours in the locker room.
Questions?
Hey, Meg, take that!
Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.
That was awesome!
The joke's kind of on us, 'cos we're smellin' it.
- Yeah! - Awesome!
Oh, way to go, folks!
Ugh! Scott is such an idiot!
I'm totally breaking up with him.
I'm gonna switch to one of the other popular guys.
But Connie, you've gone out with, like, every popular boy in this school.
Ah, yeah, you're right!
God, they all suck so much!
I need a new challenge.
What if ... wait, now bear with me on this ...
What if I date a loser and make him over into a popular guy?
Wow, great idea! I'm glad I hung in there.
Now, who are the biggest losers in this school?
Well, there's Smiley McGee.
Hello!
Nah. I hear he's a bed wetter.
And ... Chris Griffin
Oh, my God! I could smell him from here.
He's perfect.
God, you're right!
He smells like Fred Flinstone's arse!
Hey! No-one's askin' you to smell it.
Alright, Stewie, your dad's gonna help you learn how to be a man.
Real men have a couple of beers,
and then project their inadequacies on their kids.
- OK. - What's that?
You think you're better than me?
What? No, I didn't say that.
So I guess you think you woulda been some sort of big shot by my age, huh?
Done things differently? Gotten that promotion?
I don't even know what you do.
Well, let me tell you somethin' ...
You're nothin'! And you're never gonna be nothin'!!!
Now, let's sit here and watch Spike TV.
Spike TV
Full of stuff men like.
Yeah, that stuff.
Wow, my favorite.
P B and J with the crust cut off.
What'd you get?
Your crusts.
That's it?
No, I also got an orange peel and a picture of mom eating a turkey leg.
Oh my God, Connie's coming over to talk to me!
Sit up straight!
Hey, Meg, nice posture. Get lost.
Thank you.
Chris Griffin, you are undoubtedly the most unpopular boy in school.
I am? What about Smiley McGee over there?
Hello!
You and I are going on a date Saturday night.
Um ... OK.
I'll see you then.
Why would she go out with me?
She must be more drunk than Santa Claus when he got that D.U.I.
No, no, it wasn't my fault.
Some guy in a Plymouth totally cut me off.
Sir, they don't make Plymouths anymore.
Are you Jewish?
Sir, I'm gonna need you to step outta the sleigh.
Alright, Stewie, we're gonna get you nice and pumped up.
Now, you see that barbell over there?
Go ahead and try and lift that.
Uh-oh, spadoody-O's!
I noticed your kid is having some trouble.
You're tellin' me.
Oh, your kid just needs a little help.
I got something that'll get him going.
Well, if there's anyone I can trust
it's a stranger at the gym holding a dirty needle.
Here, Stewie, try this.
Yaah! What the hell are you do .... ?
Whoa! Oh my ... suddenly I'm full of energy.
Alright, fat man, let's do this!
Wow, Stewie, you look like a new man.
Well, will you look at me. I HAVE THE POWER!!
We now return to "Lady and the Tramp" and Michael Vick.
Hello, family.
Aaaaarrrr ... !!
Does anyone need the remote?
Oh, my God!
What the hell happened to Stewie?
Yeah, looks good, doesn't he?
Let's see that lesbo Susie
Swanson beat him up now.
Wait a minute. How do you know she's gay?
Short haircut, stubby legs, doesn't respond to my advances.
You haven't answered my question!
Why the hell does Stewie look like this?
Well, I took him to the gym and
the colorful gent there advised me that I put him on steroids.
And you listened to him?!
Yeah, I believe everything everyone tells me, anywhere.
What's goin' on B minus?
What's the happs?
Stewie, you look gross.
You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop.
I look like a guy who's been hittin' the gym.
It has nothing to do with the gym. You're on drugs.
Doesn't matter how you find the pot o' gold, B to the rian
All that matters is that you beat the leprechauns.
That doesn't make any sense.
Doesn't have to make sense when you look like this.
Rrrrrr ... !!!
I am hotter than phone sex with a blind girl.
You sound hot.
What are you wearing?
I dunno.
Classic Rock 103.7 WHTT
I hate this station.
They always make promises they can't deliver.
Playin' the greatest Rock 'n' Roll hits of all time.
We built this city .....
See?
Chris, turn that off.
We have a lot of work to do before we go inside.
Alright, if I'm gonna be seen with you
we have to do something about that look.
Now, take that hat off.
Oh, God. Your hair's all combed.
Here, let me fix that.
Alright, good.
Now, let's give you a pencil thin, douchebag beard.
Oh, heavens, I look like a rake.
No, you look like you don't care, and that's good.
Oh, OK.
Um, if we're dating, does that mean when we go in there
I can hold your hand?
Good idea.
Then everyone will think you're popular.
Well, I don't really care about that.
I want to hold your hand 'cos I like you.
I don't understand
Well, I think you're nice ... and I like spending time with you.
You're really pretty and I hope I get to be with you for a long time.
Wow, um...
No guy's ever said anything that nice to me before.
Well, maybe you've been hanging around with jerks.
Yeah, maybe I have.
Hey, forget the pep rally.
You wanna go see a movie?
Cool! Maybe we could go see that Chazz Palminteri/ Paul Sorvino movie "Distracting Trumpet"
I wanna thank you all for comin' out here today.
We got a serious situation down in the Bronx.
Our friend needs to get a message to the short man in the hat.
He needs to deliver this message before the construction site contracts are handed down.
It's of vital importance that these matters be attended to.
So we may have to bring in our friend from Yonkers!
What?
I said "we may have to bring in our friend from Yonkers!"
Hey, what the hell?
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is there a problem? Huh?
You wanna go?
You wanna go?
- “Go?” What are talkin' about? - I'm talkin' about “go”
That's what I'm talkin' about.
First one's on the house.
I got things to do.
Uh, where you think you're going?
I'm going downstairs.
Oh, there's a toll in the hall now.
10 bucks.
Look, can I ...
Just ....
Stewie ...
Look ...
Come on ...
I ...
Just ...
You ...
This is ...
Can I ...
Ah, just messin' with you, man.
You can do whatever you want.
I was just kiddin' you.
Why're you so serious?
Alright, Chrissy, here we go.
Oooh! Aaaah!
Oh, my God!
Is that Chris Griffin with Connie D'Amico?
I think it is!
Wow, that makes him popular!
Hey, Griffin!
Griff-a!
Griff-a-mano!
Wow, the jocks have never said hello to me before.
Er, hi, you guys.
Wow, you did it, Connie.
Chris Griffin is popular.
So, you gonna dump him now?
No, Gina, I'm not.
- You're not? - No.
There's something about him.
He's not like the other guys.
I actually really like him.
You do?
Yeah. In fact, I'm going to his house for dinner tonight
so I can meet his parents.
Wow, Connie D'Amico's coming to my house for dinner!
I just hope dad doesn't embarrass us,
like he did when that one legged guy came over.
Alright, well, if you like movie trivia,
I got one that'll stump you ...
Aaaaaaah ...
... course, you're probably not really into tibia ... trivia
Aaaaah ... Boy, that global warming, huh?
They say we lost a foot of snow last winter ...
Hey, how 'bout another beer, huh?
I bet you like the taste of hops ... Aaaah ....
You only have one leg, sir.
Oh, Connie, it's so nice to meet you.
We're so excited that Chris is finally bringing a girl home for dinner.
It's really nice to meet you too, Mrs Griffin.
Um, do you mind if I ask what's up with your baby?
I'm gonna go work out.
Again? It's like the eighth time today.
I'm not satisfied until every vein is forced up against my skin.
Look how vascular I am, Brian.
If there's one thing women love, it's a vascular man.
I've got veins. They carry blood all over my bahdy.
That's how John Mayer would say it.
“Bahdy”
I'm really into him now.
You better be OK with it!
Well, to answer your question, Connie,
apparently I'm married to a man
who thinks it's OK to inject an infant with steroids.
Wait, Lois, knock it off for a sec.
Connie, you are really pretty.
I mean, you have filled out something wacky.
Oh. Thanks, Mr Griffin.
I like what you're doin' with your boobs.
Dad!
So, Connie, now that you're dating my brother,
maybe we can hang out, y'know?
Hey, after dinner,
you wanna come up to my room and give each other makeovers?
I don't use makeup, Meg.
Course you don't. You're all natural.
Man, your dad must be proud.
Actually, my dad passed away 4 years ago.
Yeah, yeah, he did.
He sure did.
You gonna shower before dessert?
Greggy! Fitzy!
T-bone! Gagaboo!
Nazi guy!
Griffa!
Hey, we're totally stoked for your party this weekend!
Ho ho. You know it, brother.
It's gonna be awesome.
But keep it on the down low, so the spazoids don't catch wind.
Ha-haaaah!
Agh! Speaking of spazoids ...
Wow, can you believe it, Connie?
You and I are gonna be at the same party this weekend.
Oh, this is so cool!
Hey, what are you wearing, so I make sure I don't wear the same thing.
Um, you're not invited, Meg.
What?
But ... it's at my house.
Uh, Connie, let me handle this.
I'm sorry, Meg. You can't come.
There's an arse to boob ratio that you're way off of.
Hey, Chris! C'mon, let's corner the nerds
and call them gay and make them show us their penises.
Ah ha ha! Won't that be gay of them?
Ha ha. Yeah! That is grotacular!
- Way to go, man. - Awesome, bro.
Man, our boy Chris, partying with the cool kids.
I am a very proud dad right now.
Look at that Connie. So young and lithe.
Look at the shape of that body.
Look at the shape of that body!
That's it, Brian!
That's where one-eyed Willy buried his gold!
Oh, Meg, sweetheart
why don't you just go downstairs and join the party?
I wasn't invited!
I hate Chris! He's such a jerk!
Oh, look, honey, he's just a little confused about who he is right now.
I'm sure, deep down, he still loves his big sister.
I hate my school!
I hate everyone!
I hate my life!
OK, look, Meg, I've been at this for 45 minutes
I don't know what else I can say.
Here's a Sylvia Plath book and a bottle of Ambien.
I'm gonna look the other way,
and whatever happens, happens.
Gina, have you seen Chris?
Yeah, he's over there.
Uh, Chris, what are you doing?!
Getting scraped to death by my zipper.
You bastard!
How the hell can you be cheating on me?
I'm the one who made you popular!
No, Connie, beating up that Jewish kid made me popular.
Come on, girls! Let's go upstairs and make out.
Oh, no, Connie's been hurt!
I guess I should lie on top of her to keep her warm.
What are you lookin' at? It's a cartoon!
Chris, I can't believe you dissed Connie at your party.
That was awesome!
Yeah, I heard about it when I was making that gay nerd spoon with me.
Hey, guys ...
Room for one more?
I don't think so.
- Loser! - Reject!
Everyone's gay but me.
My God, he's practically ruined me.
I've created a monster.
Meg, we've gotta do something.
"We"? Are you kidding?
Do you really think I would help you out
in any way, after everything you've done to me?
What are you talking about?
You see this, Connie?
This is from when you called me "sticky arse cow" in 6th grade.
This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina, freshman year.
You want my help?
You can go #@!% yourself!!
Hey, Meg! Think fast!
Ha-ha! Loser!
Alright, let's do it.
When we're done with him,
he'll be more of an outcast than a seagull at an Adam Sandler movie.
This is my old bicycle that I had from when I was ten.
Sometimes the banana seat hurts my hynie.
Will you shut up?
You shut up, man! It's a comedy!
When I ring the bell, it makes my pants feel funny.
Ring, ring, ring!
Ah, another day of being huge.
Good morning, Guns of Navaro ...
Oh, no!
What's happening?!
I'll tell you what's happening.
Your steroids have worn off.
You're weak like everyone else.
And guess what?
There's a toll in the hall, now.
Stay away from me! Stay away from me!
Stewie, no!
And now ... here's something we hope you'll really like.
Settle down, everyone.
OK, let's get this assembly started.
Is everything set, Meg?
Once Chris gets up there, my friend in the AV department will take care of everything.
OK, Meg, remember our deal.
I do this for you, and I have your permission
to think about you later tonight when I'm in the tub.
Fine, Neil
Awesome! I might even go lefty tonight.
Stranger in the tub.
Before we begin, Chris Griffin has an announcement for the cool kids.
Yeah, hey, guys.
The meeting of the Cool Kids Club will be at 3:15
leaning up against Tim Breckner's SUV in the parking lot.
Would you do me? I'd do me.
I'd do me so hard.
Hey, Chris. What's that? Did you sit on something?
Chris Griffin's a freak!
What a loser!
I'm gay, alright?
Ah, c'mon, it's me!
Griffa!
You don't get to talk like that anymore!
Connie, the person who humiliated you has himself been humiliated.
By the rules of high school,
you are now popular again.
Well, we did it, Connie.
Thanks for your help, Meg.
There no chance we're gonna be friends now, is there?
Absolutely not.
Can I at least think about you in the tub later?
No.
I'm still gonna.
Well, Chris, you must feel ridiculous.
I do, dad.
And Meg, I'm really sorry I was such a douche.
Well, there is a way you can make it up to me.
How?
Tell me what it was like ... being one of them.
It was like basking in the warm glow of a higher intelligence,
and it envelopes you, and allows you to become part of its everlasting glory.
I flew today.