Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story tonight,
scientists at NASA
have made a fascinating
new discovery:
the first directly observable
instance of a black hole,
which appears to be located
just outside our solar system.
Tricia Takanawa has the story.
Tom, I'm standing here
with Stephen Hawking,
the first white man I've ever met
who knows math better than me.
Mr. Hawking, what does the
discovery of this black hole
mean to you and your research?
I am overjoyed.
This is the crowning
achievement of my career.
It validates the
work of a lifetime.
It certainly does.
Back to you, Tom.
All right, we're clear.
I'm telling you, man,
this shtick is getting so old.
That chair smells, dude.
Hey, Steve, surf's up!
All right!
See you, bitch!
Everyone, guess what.
What?
I have been selected.
For what?
Oh, nothing too important,
just jury duty!
They have summoned me.
I am part of an elite
group of individuals
deemed intelligent enough to decide
the fate of a fellow citizen.
Ah, the amused laughter
of the envious.
You know, they don't just
pick anybody for this job.
Yeah, they do.
Brian, perhaps I have
not made myself clear.
I have been entrusted to
pass judgment upon others.
Everybody gets called for jury duty,
you stupid idiot!
I've been called!
The only reason you've
never been called
is that they use the
voter registration list,
and this past election is the
first time you ever voted.
I voted before.
I stuffed the ballot
box at the Oscars.
And the nominees for Best
Actor in a Leading Role are:
Grover, Bluto from Popeye,
a red guy, a boob
and Daniel Day Lewis.
And the Oscar goes to...
a red guy!
Wait a second. Y-You're saying that
everyone is asked to do jury duty?
Yes, Peter.
So then, I'm not special?
Everyone's special, Peter.
Rock Drummer Tommy Lee?!
And if your wife ever tells
you that you're not special,
punch her really hard
right in her hepatitis.
Thanks, Rock Drummer Tommy Lee!
Hey, and you know
what else is cool?
Having sex with sunglasses on.
I've got a lot of
things to try now!
I don't want to go to jury duty.
Turns out it's not a special
honor at all. It's lame.
And the worst part is,
they try and trick you
into getting excited by
putting "duty" in the title.
So, you were excited
when you thought
there was fecal matter involved?
What the hell is fecal matter?
Waste. Huh?
Doody. Ha-ha!
Peter, jury duty is an
important cornerstone
in our democratic society.
Yeah, that's what separates
us from the monkeys.
That and the armed
guards at the zoo.
Man, they got some sexy
monkeys down there.
I don't care,
jury duty sounds boring.
I'm gonna get myself kicked out.
Just like I got kicked
out of Coldplay.
Guys, guys, I got an idea!
How 'bout we do a song
that's not whiny bull crap?
All right, ladies and gentlemen.
We're gonna ask you a series
of questions to determine
whether or not you can
be impartial jurors.
First off, do any of
you have any prejudices
you feel the court should know of?
Yes, you sir.
Ants. I hate ants.
What?
That's right, you heard me.
I'm an ant hater.
Just like my daddy and
his daddy before him.
So, if this is an ant trial,
forget it.
No way I'm gonna be fair.
Always making those
cocky little hills.
Moving around all
single file and stupid.
All ganging up and walking my
pie off the picnic blanket.
'Twas my pie gone missing!
Sir, this is not an ant trial.
Oh.
Is there anything else
we should know about?
Oh, have you not heard?
Heard what?
? A well-a-bird-bird-bird?
? B-Bird's the word,
a well-a-bird-bird-bird?
? B-Bird's the word, a well-a...?
All right, now the prosecution
is about to show you
items pertinent to this case
that have been entered
into evidence.
It is vitally important that
you look but don't touch,
as any fingerprints
could contaminate them.
Exhibit A, one bloody Slinky.
Oh.
Exhibit B,
one semen-covered View-Master.
Oh!
With the reel of the Grand Canyon.
Oh!
And a blood-splattered Mr.
Potato Head.
Oh!
And these socks you really need.
Oh!
All right, everyone, we're going
to take a ten-minute recess.
I would like to remind members
of the jury that you are
forbidden to discuss details of
the case outside the courtroom.
Hey, how about this trial, huh?
And all its details.
Let's discuss them.
He said not to!
Aw, hey, you know how
the judge told us
not to make up our
minds beforehand?
Let's make up our minds.
Griffin, shut up!
Hey, I know the judge said
not to run in the hall,
but check this out!
Griffin! Knock it off!
Hey, come on, Judge,
tell us the answer.
The Mexican guy did it, right?
We now return to How Henry
Kissinger Met Your Mother.
I was walking with my professor
when I saw this woman who was...
Stewie, can you please move?
You're blocking the TV.
No! And I'll thank
you to quiet down.
I'm playing action figures.
Prepare to be bested on
the battlefield, Lion-O.
Oh, I don't think so, He-Man.
Ow!
Oh, I'm sorry,
did I punch you too hard?
Yes, I suppose you don't
know your own strength.
I mean, look at your muscles.
Oh, stop it, you're the
one with the sick abs.
God, my mouth is watering
just looking at you.
Yeah, that's right.
You buy your kids
ridiculously homoerotic dolls
and then ask what happened?
Yep. Your gay son is on you, buddy.
Explain that to your god.
Off to another day of
jury duty, sweetie?
Yeah, and it sucks.
Even the vending machines
are out of order.
I don't want to go back
to stupid jury duty.
There's got to be some
way I can get out of it.
This is Tom Tucker with
some breaking news.
NASA has made the
alarming announcement
that the newly
discovered black hole
at the edge of our solar
system appears to be expanding.
Neptune and Pluto have
already been consumed,
and scientists estimate
that the event horizon
will reach Earth by tomorrow.
That's right, Tom.
Which means th all life on Earth
will be destroyed within 24 hours.
Oh, my God!
Mom, is, is this for real?
Well, it sure looks
that way, sweetie.
It's the end of the world!
Holy crap!
Seems like I've run
out of waiting time.
...but it looks like
Nicole Ritchie's baby
is gonna be just fine.
Also in the news,
the doomsday clock is ticking
with less than 19 hours
to go before our planet
is consumed by an
expanding black hole.
As Americans everywhere face
their last day on Earth,
one can only imagine how
they're spending it.
Hey, Mort.
Now that the end of
the world is here,
I just wanted to say
no hard feelings, huh?
Ow!
Psych! Ha-ha!
Embedded in the hand.
Have fun where you're going.
Well, it's become clear,
the only way to avert this disaster
is by writing a strongly-worded
letter to the black hole.
"Dear space.
"Well, you're just full
of surprises, aren't you?
"You think you're so good
'cause you went to Choate.
"Well, you're not gonna be so tough
"when I put a fish bowl on my head
and a rocket pack on my back and
come up there and punch you."
Take that, Orion!
That's rig.
All you are is a failed
production company.
Joe, Joe, you got to help me.
You got to help me get laid!
What are you talking about,
Quagmire?
I got to get laid!
You got to help me get laid!
I've never had sex!
What do you mean?
You've had sex a million times.
Aw, that's all bluster.
I just talk big for the fellas.
I'm a virgin, Joe!
I don't want to die a virgin!
Help me, please!
Let me have sex with Bonnie!
I guess so.
For my friend,
on our last day on Earth.
You're a good man, Joe Swanson.
How was your first time?
Ah, I've had sex lots of times.
I just wanted to have it again!
Screw you!
Who else but Quagmire?
Well, Diane, now that
our time is almost up,
just to lighten the mood,
we introduce a new feature
called Tom's Crank Calls.
Let's dial that number, shall we?
Hello, is this Megan Fox?
I will kill you, do you understand?
If I can't have you, no one can.
I will kill you.
This is Tom Tucker.
Well, I know who you are.
It's fun to see how people
react when they're on the spot.
Look, since these
are our final hours,
I want you kids to know how much
your father and I love you
and how important
this family is to us.
Oh, I'm scared.
I wonder what it's like to die.
I don't know, but from the
look in a stray cat's eyes
when you're pushing
on its windpipe,
I think it's pretty terrifying.
Like, panicky.
Hey, Brian, what do you
think is gonna happ--
What was that--
You were praying.
Come on, no, I wasn't.
Yes, you were.
You were praying, I saw!
No, man, it was a joke!
You were praying!
It was a goof!
I was goofing on you!
You're, you're,
you're disingenuous.
Hello, everybody.
This is Montecore. He's my lion.
I have a lion now.
Peter, what the hell?!
You know, I went to
the zoo last week
and asked if I could do it,
and they told me to scram.
Went to the zoo this morning
with a shotgun and
now I have a lion.
Does it bite? Of course
it bites, it's a lion.
Peter, get off the lion.
We should spend some time
together as a family.
I don't think so, Lois.
But the world is ending.
We should be spending
these final hours
with the people we love most.
Lois, a day ago,
I was stuck on jury duty.
Today, I have a golden ticket
to do whatever the hell I want.
I feel like an old guy
who's reliving his
youthful shenanigans.
Tell me about when you
were young, Grandpa.
Oh, sonny, those were crazy times.
My friends and I
were out of control.
We used to give each other
wet-willies and funny arms.
We'd play dandy-balls and
legs-a-spread and penis-butt.
Sounds kind of gay, Grandpa.
It was gay. Everyone was.
But, back then,
we were called pole-fancies.
It was real, good old-fashioned
"grab the nearest tree and
hold on for dear life" gay,
not today's fancy, featherbed,
thread-count gay.
People got hurt back then!
That's gay.
Yeah, it was pretty gay.
What the hell are you
doing with a musket?
Last day on Earth.
I've always wanted to save
a Native American family
from rapacious cavalrymen.
Yeah... this one'll do nicely.
Let her go.
You don't have to be
afraid of him anymore.
Stay with us as the countdown
to Doomsday continues
with just six more hours to go.
The only thing that's
nice about this is
even though it's a Tuesday,
it feels kinda like it's a Friday.
Peter, where are you going?
Last day on Earth,
last chance to do this.
I'm gonna find a black neighborhood
and see what happens
if I yell the you-know-what word.
They respected me for saying it.
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
this is it,
our final minutes.
Any moment now,
the Earth will be sucked
into the gaping maw
of the black hole.
We here at Channel Five
would like to leave you
with some highlights of
mankind's brief existence,
like the Battle of Hastings.
Guys, if we win this,
we get Hastings!
Yeah, let's do it!
Let's go!
All right, Hastings!
The Ottoman Empire.
Ah, I could get used to this.
You know what?
This is what I want our
empire to be about.
The first television broadcast.
And with only 30 seconds to go,
we thank you for
choosing Channel Five
as your Armageddon network.
Mom, where's Dad?!
I don't know, Chris.
Sorry I'm late, guys.
Peter, where have you been?!
Look, you try scheduling
a haircut today.
You know, you'd think
you'd wanna spend
your last day on Earth
with your family!
Hey, I'm here, aren't I?
With only seconds left!
Don't you love me?!
Of course I love you, Lois!
You're the most important
person in the world to me!
You promise?
I promise!
Ten, nine, eight...
I just hate bein' around the kids.
What?!
...six, five,
Sorry, I just thought I'd be honest
since we're gonna die.
...three, two, one.
April Fools!
What?!
You gotta be kiddin' me!
We're not gonna die?!
No, we're not gonna die!
Wait, what did Dad just say?
Yes, April Fools!
We at Channel Five News concocted
the whole black hole story
as part of our commitment
to being festive
around the holidays.
And with only 87 suicides
and widespread looting,
we think this was a pretty
successful practical joke.
You dicks!
Hey, how do ya like that, Lois?
We're gonna live!
Peter, what did you
mean by what you said,
you hate bein' around the kids?
Yeah, Dad, what did you mean?
Don't you like us?
Yeah, what gives?
Well... Oh, come on.
I-I didn't mean that.
I was just jokin' around.
Hey, gimme a big hug.
How about a big hug for old Dad?
Kids, why don't you go upstairs
so your father and I can talk.
Yeah, come on, Meg and Chris.
Let's get outta here.
Well, I'm off to serve
food at the soup kitchen.
Now that I lived through this,
I kinda have to keep
a promise I made to someone.
It's God!
Peter, what did you mean?
All right, you want the truth?
They bore the hell outta me, Lois.
Bore the hell outta you?!
They're your kids!
I know, and I love 'em,
but don't you just sometimes
wish they'd run away
or get kidnapped
and be made to work
in a Temple of Doom?
How can you even say that?!
Because, Lois. Meg tells a story
that makes you wanna
blow your brains out,
Stewie just sits there
and Chris is always leaving
his Russian mice around.
Get outta here!
Okay, okay, you don't have to yell.
Let us go find das vaginya.
Listen to you!
You don't know your own kids!
That's the problem!
It's not them, it's you!
Me?!
Yes, you!
And you know what?
You've hurt your kids worse
than any black hole could!
Lois, you're overreacting.
This'll all blow over by tomorrow.
Morning, .
Ha-ha, I'm just kiddin'!
So what do we got, pancakes? Cool!
Hey, what's on tap for
school today, kids?
Shut up, Dad. Whatever.
So, Chris, how, uh,
how are all your friends at school?
What do you care?
You don't know who my friends are.
Sure, I do.
Um, Chandler...
Fonzie...
and Remington Steele?
You got lucky, Dad.
So, Stewie, how's everything
goin' in Lego Land?
Oh, pretty good.
I made a spaceship...
Wait a minute.
I'm not talkin' to you.
Come on, guys. Let's go
eat in the living room.
It stinks in here.
Oh, no, does it stink
'cause I farted?
'Cause sometimes I
can suck 'em back up.
I think we can make up
some of these losses
in the third quarter.
What was that?
What was what?
Oh, nothing.
I thought I smelled a fart,
but now I don't.
They, uh, they're really
pissed at me, aren't they?
Oh, look who's startin' to get it.
Peter, they heard you say
you hate being around them.
They, they know you
have no interest
in getting to know them.
I mean, how-how would you feel?
Well, right now I feel like a jerk.
Peter, if you really do
care about your kids,
you're gonna have to earn back
their respect and affection.
How do I do that?
You gotta spend time with them
and make their interests
your interests.
I guess you're right, Lois.
I'm always screwin' up.
Like that time with Jason Mraz.
Oh, my God! You're Jason Mraz!
No, I'm not.
I'm just some guy with a hat.
Yeah, that's who Jason Mraz is!
Hey, buddy.
What's goin' on?
You having your period?
What?!
I'm just trying
to take an interest
in your interests.
My period's not an interest.
It's something that happens to me
that I cannot control.
Gross.
All right, I'm gonna
go talk to Chris.
Hi, Chris.
Hello... Peter.
You know, I was just thinkin',
when I was your age,
my Uncle Roy shared a beer with me.
I drank it, and I was so excited,
I fell asleep.
I must have tossed and
turned somethin' fierce,
'cause when I woke up,
my pants were off.
Never saw much of
Uncle Roy after that.
Turns out we weren't even related.
Anyway, I thought him sharing
that beer with me was
the coolest thing ever.
And I know nowadays
things are different...
so I got some crystal meth.
I figured we could do it
together as father and son.
I don't know about that.
Tell you what, I'll get us started.
Ah... That feels,
that feels better.
You sure that stuff is okay?
All I know is the guys
who made it are dead.
Why is there no hole in this wall?
You know, this thing is buggin' me.
All right, I'm gonna take a hike.
So you gonna introduce
me to your pals?
That's Trapjaw.
That's Optimus Prime.
That's Destro.
And that's a Care Bear.
You havin' a tea party?
No, we're working out a land deal.
Trapjaw is trying to get a variance
to build an unpermitted
structure within ten feet
of Optimus Prime's property line.
Destro is the City Councilman
who's telling Trapjaw
that he has to file it as
an accessory structure,
and even then it can only be
built at the rear of the lot.
And the Care Bear
is just a Care Bear.
I am so ready!
I don't know, Lois,
I tried my best.
I don't know what else I
possibly could have done.
Peter, you're just gonna
have to do better.
Somehow you've gotta
let those kids know
that they matter to you.
I'll try, Lois.
Kids, come in here!
Your father's got somethin' to say!
Look, I know you
kids ain't too happy
with your dad right now,
but I hope at least you
could see that I'm tryin'.
I mean, I know sometimes we
don't get along with each other.
Hell, if we weren't all related,
this would be like the
worst table at the wedding.
But we're, we're part of a family.
And I'm still your father.
And I promise I love you.
Well, then how come you said you
hated spending time with us?
Look, I may not have said
exactly what I meant.
But I-I can still be your dad
even if we don't have any
of the same interests.
So what do you say,
are we a family again?
I don't buy it.
Me neither.
When you jumped through my ceiling,
you let an owl in.
I know they're supposed to be wise,
but all it did was shriek
and poop out half-digested mice.
Well, then, I guess
ere's only one thing
I can do to regain your love.
Who wants a brand new Xbox?
Yay! Oh, Daddy!
Oh, my God, you're
the best father ever!
Well, I guess if you can't
earn your kids' respect,
you can always buy it.
There's some awesome
stuff in the garbage.
Dad, can we please have
a turn at the Xbox?
uh, now, which one do
I press to shoot now?
Damn it! Ah, crap.
Who's the douchebag
who keeps dyin'?
I'm not a douchebag. I'm new.
Look, if you're no good,
why don't you just
go hide till the end?
All right, I'll go
crouch behind the, uh...
Is this a crouch button?
Ah! Who dropped a grenade?!
Idiot! Learn how to play!
Moron! You suck!