Morning, peter.
Morning, lois.
You using
the bathroom?
Yeah. Why?
I was just curious.
Before you go,
I wanna ask you
a question.
Is there something
on my elbow?
Me first, me first,
me first!
(both grunting)
Peter, I'm going
first.
Oh, no, you don't!
Move your ass, peter!
You move yours!
I made reservations
with the maitre d'.
Isn't that right,
cornelius?
Lois griffin,
poop for one.
I also need a poop.
Do you have
a reservation, sir?
Yeah, I called
a couple days ago.
Who did you
speak to?
Dave... Ald... Jeff
Illiam... Tonio?
Davaldjeffilliamtonio
hasn't worked here
for four years.
Ah, the hell with you.
I'll use the other bathroom.
Male voice:
Somebody's in here.
Oh, excuse me.
Good morning.
Lois, since when does
an elephant live here?
He's an exchange student.
Don't you remember?
Oh, that's right.
Don't you feel foolish?
Well, how long
does it usually take you?
I don't remember.
(to himself):
Oh, my god,
That is such
a bunch of crap.
I hope my son is having
a better time with your family.
(screams)
poachers!
(whimpering)
Joe, I need
to use your bathroom.
Sure, peter.
What the hell?
How do you even?
Wha...? It...
I-I don't...
Wait. How do I...?
Uh, yeah,
that's gonna be
Way too complicated
for ya.
How come there
are two toilets?
The other one's
for blood.
(whimpering)
Cleveland's old house.
Perfect!
(whimpering)
Damn, no toilet paper.
(whimpers)
Hey, joe, can I borrow this?
Sure.
Peter, where
have you been?
Oh, let's just say
I've been
At cleveland's empty house
taking a dump.
Ugh! That's disgusting!
I will be taking
all of my movements
there from now on.
All of 'em!
Brrreeee-ha-ha!
* let's get loud,
let's get loud *
* turn the music up,
let's do it *
* come on, people,
let's get loud *
* let's get loud *
* turn the music up,
don't you hear that sound? *
* let's get loud. *
Peter, your breakfast
is ready.
Hang on.
I'll be right back, lois.
I'm just going
across the street.
Peter, you can't keep
using cleveland's bathroom.
Oh, my god!
Yes, I can!
Cleveland's bathroom
is the greatest discovery
Since fat women
discovered diet coke.
Now I can eat anything!
Hey, hey, hey, no, no, no!
What are you doing?!
That's my bathroom!
What are you
talking about?
We just rented
this place.
Holy crap! Dan aykroyd
and chevy chase!
What the hell are you guys
doing in quahog?
Oh, we're just doing
research for a movie.
Oh, my god,
that's amazing!
Listen, I gotta tell you guys,
I've watched all your movies,
like, a thousand times.
You saw cops
and robbersons?
And my stepmother
is an alien?
Almost all of 'em.
Boy, I sure would love it
if you guys would come
To our house
for dinner tonight.
My wife's cooking sucks,
But I just want
to look at ya.
You like meatloaf?
Uh, yeah, sure.
All right,
see you at 8:00.
Oh, man I can't believe
I'm gonna have dinner
With two
of the three amigos.
This is gonna be way better
Than when we had that victorian
girl ghost over for dinner.
(sobs)
My governess drowned me
in a well.
You are a horrible
dinner guest.
Can you believe it?
We're eating with two
of the three ghostbusters.
Actually,
I wasn't in that.
Look at these guys,
they can't take
a compliment.
You know, you guys are funny,
But, uh, I got
a confession to make.
I'm a pretty funny guy myself.
Maybe I say a few things here,
maybe I get a few laughs.
Maybe you guys put me
in one of your pictures.
Uh, well, uh, yeah,
I suppose it's possible.
Yeah, we got all kinds
of roles available.
Speaking roles,
background roles.
Background would be
good for you.
Ooh, yeah.
Speaking role
or background role.
Either one
would be good.
You know, I'm really
good at sight gags.
Oh, I didn't mean
to do that.
Now it's everywhere!
That's comedy.
(laughs)
Peter, what the hell
is wrong with you?
That's not funny.
Oh, well, interesting
opinion, lois.
Gee, I wonder
if there's anyone
else at this table
Who's maybe
more qualified
To say what's funny
than you are?
Well, we'd need to see
a little bit more,
But, uh... (chuckles)
is that the time?
I can't believe
that's the time.
It's late.
I don't understand.
You're not wearing a watch.
You see, that's sort
of a joke, peter.
Oh. Well, that's
not that funny.
It's kind of funny,
you know.
No, it's not funny.
See, if you had said
something like,
"oh, it's half past
a freckle."
(laughs)
Oh, you know, I'm thinking
of the three of you.
I'm-I'm thinking this guy...
Let me show you
something that's funny.
Okay, here's an impression
of john wayne
On the first thanksgiving.
(normal voice):
I'm john wayne
At the first
thanksgiving, pilgrims.
Happy thanksgiving,
pilgrims.
(laughs)
Where's this guy been?
Well, mr. Griffin,
this has been a lot of fun.
A lot of fun.
But we gotta get back
over to our place
Mm-hmm.
And, uh, kinda do, uh...
What do we have to do?
Roll some joints
and get high.
Yeah, we gotta do
those things.
That's not funny.
Drugs aren't funny.
They ruin lives.
Amen.
No, peter,
You're not funny.
I'm afraid dan's right.
You're not funny at all.
I don't get it.
You're painfully unfunny.
Get the (bleep)
out of my house!
Hey, stewie, can I
talk to you for a sec?
Look, brian,
I've colored
Sebastian the
crab blue.
If that isn't a middle
finger to society,
I don't know
what is.
Ew, I don't
like it anymore.
I wish I had
colored him red.
Do you think
it's a little odd
That chevy chase
and dan aykroyd have moved
Into quahog together?
I mean...
Why here, why now?
I don't know.
Maybe we go over
there and find out.
Maybe we do.
Hey. Hi, there.
Uh, can you guys tell meg
I'm seeing someone?
Brian:
You see anything?
Doesn't look like
anybody's home.
(guns cock)
Won't you gentleman
have a pepsi?
What do we do?
"won't you gentleman
have a pepsi?"
(both screaming)
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god,
oh, my god,
oh, my god!
Yell, yell, yell,
yell, yell, yell.
(electronic trilling)
What the...?
What the hell
is this place?
Welcome to d.U.M.P.--
Deep underground military
protection facility.
Wouldn't that
be d.U.M.P.F.?
The "f" is silent,
like in "knife."
We're actually working
for the federal government
And we need your help.
Do you want to be
spies like us?
Can we be
spies like them?
We've actually resolved
our differences.
Wait a minute,
I don't understand.
What do you mean you guys
work for the government?
<i>Well, brian,
it turns out spies like us</i>
Was ronald reagan's
favorite movie.
So he actually appointed us
honorary spies
Back in the '80s.
That still doesn't explain
what you're doing here.
You see, brian,
during the cold war
The soviet union brainwashed
dozens of american civilians,
Effectively making them
sleeper agents
Who could be activated
at any time
To do the work of the kgb.
Activated how?
The agents could be activated
By uttering
a predetermined phrase.
At which point,
they would snap into a trance
And mindlessly carry out
whatever orders they were given
By their kgb handlers.
Well, I mean, what if
they encountered somebody
Who said the phrase
accidentally?
Not possible.
The activation phrase
was something
That no one would
ever think to utter.
What is it?
The phrase is, "gosh, that
italian family at the next table
Sure is quiet."
You see,
the u.S. Government
Believes that one of these
sleeper agents
Is right here in quahog.
Now you two...
Individuals live here.
Are there any local residents
Whom you've seen
acting strangely?
Well, there's a pedophile
up the street
That nobody seems to be
doing anything about,
But it's mainly because
he's so funny.
Well, look, we'd be happy
to help in any way we can.
Hey, is ron howard's
weird-looking brother
One of these lab
technicians?
Of course he is.
It's an '80s movie.
Hey, there's something
on the screen.
And those two bums
turned to me
And said, "you're
not funny, peter."
In my own house.
Well, what was the bit?
Okay, ready?
(normal voice):
I'm john wayne at the first
thanksgiving, pilgrims.
Happy thanksgiving,
pilgrims.
(both laughing)
Oh, my.
Oh, my.
Oh, my god,
peter, I'll tell ya--
And I'm your friend
and I'll be honest with you--
That's funny;
that is funny.
You know what I appreciate
about your joke, peter?
It's clean-- it's clean funny.
I just wish there was some way
I could show them
how wrong they are.
Show 'em that we know comedy
better than they do.
Hey, I got an idea.
What's the most consistently
funny form of comedy
In existence?
Improv?
Improv!
Improv.
Improv.
Improv.
Improv!
We'll start our
own improv group
And put on a show.
All right!
Thank you for seeing us on
such short notice, mayor west.
No problem, gentlemen.
May I call you gentlemen?
Yeah.
Now you say this spy is
located somewhere in quahog?
That's right. We need you
to set up some roadblocks
To help us contain him.
Do you have any clues
Regarding the identity
of the spy?
It's a little tricky, sir.
See, the operative is
completely unaware
That he's been programmed.
And the only way
to activate him
And discover his identity
is by saying the phrase,
"gosh, that italian family at
the next table sure is quiet."
(speaking russian)
It's him!
(beeping)
(groans)
I haven't been this...
(moaning)
Since I... (moaning)
I-I don't...
I don't really know
what I'm supposed to be doing.
Uh, but...
Oh, there's track star
wilma rudolph.
Obviously she had something
to do with the gag,
But I didn't hear
the setup,
So I don't really know
the context.
Hey, I wonder what
peter's up to?
Okay, so we gotta come up with
a name for our improv group.
Anybody got anything?
Um...
Um...
How about
"the joke ridge boys"?
Eh. Not bad.
Wait, how about
"funny side up"?
No, no, no, guys, guys,
we've got the name.
It's "impravda:
The truth is ad-libbed."
What about
"deliveries in rear"?
Oh, yes!
No, no, you can't just jam
jokes in for no reason.
It has to be organic
to the situation.
What the hell you being
so friggin' comedy hitler about?
I was in three improv groups
in college, peter.
I was in "improvidence,"
I was in the "wackadamia nuts"
And I know I'm dating
myself here,
But "three smile island."
My point being
That I am the only experienced
member of this group.
I can already tell
this is not going to be fun.
How do we know
where to start looking?
The tracking beacon I shot
into mayor west's ankle
Will allow us
to locate him.
(rapid beeping)
Wow, those are
the russian people?
I mean, granted, you do
think of bears on unicycles
When you think of
the russian people,
<i>But they're all bears
on unicycles?</i>
Bears on unicycles,
every one.
So what do
we do now?
We're undercover u.S. Agents
in a hostile foreign territory.
We've just gotta make sure
we don't do anything
That makes us stick out.
Hey! They're not
bears on unicycles!
(guns cocking)
You are under arrest.
Oop.
Time to lose this costume.
(high-pitched voice):
'cause we're in russia!
Here are the american spies
we captured, mr. Prime minister.
(all gasping)
(all sighing)
(all gasping)
(all sighing)
(all gasping)
Well, he was "putin"
us on, huh?
Right?
What do you think of that?
Chevy, right?
That would have
passed for funny
In one of your
movies, right?
Okay, movin' on.
Gentlemen, let me put
your minds at ease.
I know why you are here,
and I mean to help you.
Oh... (laughing)
Well, terrific.
The truth is, the reactivation
of a cold war sleeper spy
Would be an embarrassment
to my government.
On the scale of our 1981
Failed czechoslovakian
occupation outpost
Which was penetrated
by bill murray, harold ramis
And their ragtag band
of misfit soldiers
Who didn't even graduate.
They slept through
the graduation ceremony
And somehow managed
to come out of the manhole
Wearing clean pressed
suit, as you say.
So the long and
the veiny of it is
You're gonna help
us out, right?
I will provide you
with transportation,
Passports, food, supplies,
Everything from
a to backwards r.
Wow, thank you so much
for your help, mr. Putin.
Would you like to see
russian cutaway gag?
Yeah, sure.
Here is russian cutaway gag.
(shouting in russian)
(laughing)
Where the hell
is quagmire?
I don't know.
He said improv rehearsal
at 7:00, right?
Yeah, where is quagmire?
I haven't
seen him all day.
Oh, you know what?
I think he went
down to the bank.
What was that?
What'd you hit me for?
I'm passing
the story on to you.
Keep it going,
keep the story going.
Huh?
What's quagmire
doing at the bank?
It's improv, peter.
You don't think,
You don't think,
you don't think.
You just keep talking.
You don't think.
Don't think, don't think.
What comes to mind?
Talk, talk, talk,
talk, talk!
Oh, I get it!
Tap me, quagmire,
tap me!
Quagmire went to the
bank to donate sperm,
Because it's
a sperm bank.
Yes! There you go.
He's moving it forward,
he's moving it forward.
See, peter?
Now tap peter.
(normal voice):
Hey, pilgrims.
Happy thanksgiving, pilgrims.
It's me, john wayne.
Oh, no.
All right, you know what?
You're not loosened up yet.
All right, l-let's do
some warm-up exercises.
Okay, this is one we call
"going bananas."
Okay.
* I'm a banana,
I'm a banana *
* peel the banana,
peel the banana *
* now go bananas,
go, go bananas *
(yelling):
Gah...!
Whoa! Come on, you guys,
do it with me!
Go bananas! Yeah!
(yelling):
Wah...!
Whole body, joe,
whole body!
(quagmire and joe yelling)
Come on, go bananas!
Am I doing it?!
Am I doing it?!
(bleep) the matter
with you guys?
All right,
let's try something else.
Okay, this is a warm-up exercise
called "one word story."
Now, I start a story
with one word
And then you each continue
with one word at a time.
Okay, ready?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm into this now.
Okay.
The.
Dog.
And.
My.
Mom.
And.
This.
Handkerchief.
And.
Twenty.
Birds.
And.
Peter!
Geez!
And.
Peter, hang on a sec.
You're not
contributing.
I'm doing it.
You're not
adding information.
Well, one of you guys
says "thanksgiving,"
I got a good idea
where to go with it.
Okay, peter, let's try
something different.
Okay, close your eyes.
What's the first thing
you see?
Uh...
Don't think, just say it.
First thing.
Pelican.
Okay, what's he doing?
He's complaining about
Some undercooked food.
Who's he complaining to?
A snooty french waiter.
Who's really mean
to his customers.
But then when he goes home,
his own life's sad,
'cause his girlfriend's
mean to him
And his apartment
isn't so very nice.
And he's always
running out of paper towels.
(panting)
I saw it.
I seen it, quagmire.
I was there, in the apartment.
We're ready.
If these signatures
are correct,
Mayor west is located one-third
of a kilometer that way.
Just over this rise.
Yeah, that's what
you told us
A third of a kilometer ago,
you douche.
Perhaps you'd like
to do something
Besides criticizing me
and quoting my movies.
You just
watch your mouth, mister.
Look!
(all gasp)
Anyway,
I'd be happy to help you
Conduct a search
of quahog and find--
What the hell?
Where am I?
I didn't just bite into
a york peppermint patty, did I?
Mayor west,
you're in russia.
You've just launched
a nuclear missile
Against the United States.
Well, this day
has taken a bad turn.
Like mike brady's
first marriage.
Here's your
beer, honey.
Huh. I don't remember
asking for a warm beer.
Well, I didn't want
to quit working!
You made me!
You don't talk to me
that way!
Alice, what did you see?
Enough to know I'm
getting a raise.
(upbeat musical stinger plays
over goofy recorded laughter)
What the...?
Oh, man, we're supposed
to do a show tonight.
Where's the audience?
I don't see them anywhere.
If only they could
make some noise
To let me know they're here.
Man:
We're here!
Oh, there you are!
(chuckles):
Oh, thank god.
Well, we're
"room for improv-ment."
So, without further ado,
I need a place.
Man:
Your ass!
(chuckles):
Okay, come on now.
Something serious.
Man:
Your mom's ass!
Hey, let's get that guy
out of here, huh?
Okay, a real place.
Man 2: Goldman's pharmacy
on third and maple.
Woman:
Give him the hours.
Man 2:
8:00 a.M. To...
Okay, I heard "pharmacy."
who's in the pharmacy?
Peter:
John wayne.
What the-- peter, you're not
supposed to be in the audience!
Get the hell up on stage!
All right.
Hey, there, sir,
welcome to my pharmacy.
Can I help you?
Here's john wayne at
the first thanksgiving.
(normal voice):
Happy thanksgiving, pilgrims.
(laughter, applause)
Ah, you like that?
Okay, here's john wayne bobbitt
at the first thanksgiving:
Where's my penis,
pilgrims?
(laughter)
And here's john wayne gacy
at the first thanksgiving.
I want to dress up like a clown
and have sex with children
And kill them, pilgrims.
(laughter, applause)
Guys, I got to split.
I took a wet duke.
And.
Okay, this is not something that
should ever have been attempted.
Thank you very much.
Good night, everybody.
Improv!
I wish there was some way
I could have prevented this.
It wasn't your
fault, mayor west.
There's nothing
you could've done.
To be honest,
I don't remember a thing.
Except how much I love
The michael jackson
"thriller" video.
Boy, could that guy dance!
"guy dance?"
Guidance.
Source programmable guidance.
We can reprogram and disarm
the missile from here!
From here?!
Well, our arms
Would have to be
40 feet long, dan.
No, yutz, not from
right here.
We go over there
and do it.
Oh, right.
Oh, come on, chevy.
You should've known
what he was talking about.
All I have to do is bypass
The primary navigational
guidance circuits,
Deprogram the hardwired
safety overrides
And reconfigure the motherboard
so that the missile's
Primary central processing unit
tells itself
To eject its own warhead
while still
Safely above
the earth's atmosphere.
Hey, dan,
when this is all over,
You may get a call asking you
to evaluate my performance.
Can I count on you
to give me a ten?
And that should do it.
You did it, dan!
My god, you did it!
(cheering, laughter)
Mission accomplished,
gentlemen.
Warhead has been destroyed,
we've saved millions of lives.
Let's just hope the
fuselage doesn't fall
Where it can cause
too much damage.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
I-I don't get it.