Road to Germany

Okay, everyone. Hurry up and hand in you oscar picks before it starts.
Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johanson and for some reason Stewe Bushemi.
Man, look at this Stewe Buscemi.
Everyone of his teeth is in business for itself.
You know, Stewe, the artdirector's job
is never an easy one.
That's right, Scarlett, but this year--
Hey, where are you going?
I'm going to the Elton John party.
What the hell? I told you, we're staying for the governor's ball.
And I told you, Tim, we would see how the evening plays out.
Peter, may I use your restroom?
I took a lots of any stool hardner (?), ooh.
And they're fighting it out in there.
Yeah, it's upstairs, Mort.
Oh, boy! I hope there's scale in there.
I'd like to have before and after on this one.
I'll be out in a minute. I really need to go.
She said she'll be out in a minute.
Oh, I hope there's another bathroom in there.
Oh god!
Oh, thank god, a porto party (?).
Dad, mr. Goldman never drank his Ensure.
Can I have it even know it's dinner time?
Sure Chris. Drink Ensure as a meal. Or inbetween meals.
Or when you're on the go.
- Is Mort still in the bathroom? - I'll go see if he's all right.
Mort?
Hello? Mort?
Hey! Hey-hey-hey-hey! What are you doing in my room?
Don't touch my stuff with you dirty walking on the streets paws.
I'm looking for Mort. He came up here an hour ago and never came back down.
- O-oh. - What?
My time machine. It's been activated.
Time machine? I didn't know you've had a time machine.
Yeah, built it after I got bored with that european "see and say".
The pig goes-- Wank!
The cow goes-- Shazoo!
It most certainly does not.
The ruster goes-- Kikkery-gee!
Where? Where does the ruster say that?
The monkey goes-- Ma-kak!
Oh, no-no-no! It does not.
The elephant goes-- Fuamp! Oh yeah, kinda.
Stewie, do you think Mort might have accidently stumbled into the time machine?
Yeah, I suppose it's possible.
Let's ask Rick Moranis and the backup singers from "Little Shop of Horrors"
Da-rum. I saw a red-headed guy come up here about an hour ago.
Mort ...
He seemed to be in a rush and had a pain look on his face.
Had to poop...
And he stepped into that box there and suddenly there was a big flash of light.
That's when he get back in time.
- Oh my god! Stewie we have to get him back. Where did the machine sent him? - I don't know.
How- How can you not know? It's a time machine.
Doesn't it have like display that tells the year or something?
Oh, I'm sorry Brian, is my time machine not as good as your time machine?
Oh, yeah, oh. You probably got a way better time machine. Yeah.
Stupid dog!
Well then-- Can't you just press a couple of buttons and bring him back?
No, he can't just come back. He needs the return pad.
Oh, we can't just leave Mort back in time.
That'd be more irresponsible that silent movie porn.
All right. We'll go get him. But remember Brian, don't touch anything when we're in the past.
Even stepping on a mosquito could create a chain reaction that drastically alters the present.
- Really? - Nah, you can do whatever you want. C'mon!
Okay. If everything worked properly this should be the exact time and place that Mort was sent to.
- Now we just got to figure out where we are. - Or when we are.
Oh, that's such a douche time travellers thing to say.
Shazoo!
Okay. We're somewere in Europe.
Aha! Look Brian! This trail of used tissues should lead us right to Mort.
Or to Quagmire.
Aha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, he's gross.
Warsaw. Well, at least we know where we are.
And so we had encrucified. But this doesn't leave this room.
Anyway, the point is, may Haim and Sarah have many wonderful years together. Amen.
Oh, excuse me! We're looking for mr. Goldman.
Mr. Mort Goldman.
He's a small business owner. Tends to wine a lot. Kinda of hypochondriac.
Oh no, you can't put you hand back up after you put it down. You know-- Never mind.
Stewie look at this. September 1st, 1939.
There's something about that date.
I now pronounce you man and wife. Mazl tov! Now step on the glass.
Oh, but be careful though. At my wedding I cut myself on the glass.
And when I've got to Palm Beach for the honeymoon I had to put a wonder bread bag on my foot to keep the sand out.
Mazl tov!
Oh, Mort, thank god.
Brian and Stewie? You're in heaven too?
Mort, this isn't heaven. You've time travelled into the past.
What? How is that possible?
Just trust me, we're here to bring you back home.
But it's got to be heaven, Brian. Look!
There's my frugal aunt Ruth, my drifty(?) uncle Isaac, my bogen hunting aunt Flo,
and my great aunt Vera, who didn't like to spend a lot on anything.
C'mon Mort, we gotta get out of here.
But Brian, when am I gonna have another chance to see my grandpa Haim's wedding with my own eyes.
Yes, you know, he's right, Brian. Besides, I've never been to hebrew wedding.
Well, I guess we could stay a little longer.
Oh, wonderful. I wanna be hoisted up on the chair and see what it feels like to be top jew.
O-oh.
I knew there was something about this date.
September 1st, 1939. This is the german invasion of Poland.
It's also the exact day and year that Rene Russo was born.
Stewie, we gotta get out of here fast.
- Quick, set up the return pad and let's get back to our own time. - Right.
- What's wrong? Why we're still here? - I don't know.
Stewie, it's not working.
Yeah. And you know what's not gonna fix it? Your shouting.
Aw god! Should we ask somebody for help?
Yeah, right. How many pollocks does it take to fix the time machine? Let's find out.
No, we can't stay here. We'll have to get Mort to England. It's the only place he'll be safe from the nazis.
Oh dear, awful those nazis. If they catch me, they'll beat me unmerciful
and rub dirt my assneck(?) all over my assy nipples.
What?
Juden. Ruber der schmutzen auf deine assneck.
All right, there's the checkpoint. If we can get past it, we're out of occupied Poland.
Right. Mort, you're set?
Oh god. I hope this works.
Hello. We'd like to leave Poland now.
And we'll be bringing our friend, who's absolutely 100% not jewish.
Hey, how about the Jesus, huh? What a guy!
Father, we are so glad you're here.
We needed to conduct last right for our friend over there.
Oh-- Well, ah-- I suppose, eh--
Dear god! Um-- Non jewish god, be a mensch--
I mean a good guy, 'cause it says in the old book-- Not so old though.
You know still good, still good-- Uh, still something good thing to say--
We pray in the name of you and of your son, who died
in a freak accident, that you can't really blame on anyone.
Take this man up to your retail pain place.
Are you sure you are real priest?
Yeah, I can vouch for him, he's real.
He's molested me many-many times.
Sorry, I'm late. I was busy doing-- am--
innocent non-molested things.
Wait a minute. Two priests? That is impossible!
This collier comes right off.
This is a filthy jew!
Oh boy, you, you are, you, you, you should be glad, your HR person was not around here then.
Run!
Hey, poppy, I need to borrow this.
Das poop!
Well, nazis, that's refreshing.
All right, on three we make to the closest U-boat.
Ah, unsere untersee-boot sind stielen mit eine dog und baby und ardga(?) fonkel.
Everybody hang on.
We're being pursued by two objects.
Looks like one's another U-boat.
The other appears to be Terence Trent D'Arby.
Fire!
- O-oh. - What?
Hold on to something.
Brian, I've got an idea.
It's a long shot but it just might work.
- See that newspaper? - Yeah.
Staff it in the waist-tube.
Oh my god! It's England. We've reached England. We're saved.
Ah, London in war time.
This is history right here, Brian.
And look, there's Winston Churchill.
Maybe we'll get an upclose look at his legendary wit.
Ah, Winston, drunk again, I see?
Yeah, well, and you are fat bitch.
Wickedly funny!
Hm, I guess history is just wittled it down to the gyms.
Why isn't the time machine working?
I'm working on it Mort, all right?
- Aw, here's the problem. - What? What is it?
The transfer circuts are powered by uranium and this thing is taped out.
Wait a minute, are you saying we need to find some uranium?
I'm afraid so. But where do we find uranium in WW2 Europe?
There's only one place. At the top secret atomic research facility.
In Berlin.
Wait a minute, germany is building weapons of mass destruction?
Why doesn't it matter then to go there and kick their asses?
I don't know. Maybe because they don't have any oil?
Aw, clap-clap-clap-clap-clap.
I don't know. I don't wanna do this.
Mort, Berlin is the closest place we're gonna find uranium in this time.
It's the only way to get home.
Men, as officers of the royal airforce, you're the very best in the world.
However this mission to Germany will not be an easy one.
Four and a half of every five of you will not return.
Half of Jenson there, I can tell you, it gets pretty sticky(?).
But I've never lost me good spirit sir ever.
So let's get up there, be safe and get back to the big fat pigs of wives we have waiting at home.
Pardon me, sir. I'd like to join.
What are your qualifications?
I have british accent, I'm possibly homosexual, I've never brushed my teeth and my wife is grossly(?).
Bombs away.
- Talk to me, Gus. - Please don't call me that.
You're my eyes, Gus. Keep an eye out for this crowds.
O-oh, germans dead ahead.
Oh no, it's another wave of fighters. We're outnumbered.
Oh no, we're not.
Stand by, my hohmen(?). DIE!!!
Oh my god and baby Jesus, we're going down.
Quick, get the parachutes.
There are no parachutes, all I could find was this.
A raft? We're not sinking.
We're crushing!
There it is. Berlin.
So, this is Berlin, huh? Doesn't seem so bad.
Dear god, this place is nightmarish. Look at the offencive way they draw a jewish people.
It's here. The uranium lab is in here.
Hey, psst, fellas. You wanna get free caricature?
Whooo-- Yeah! I want to be a shcateboarder.
Eh, there's something on here.
Huh, that's weird.
All right, c'mon. Let's get inside that lab.
Hey guys!
- Hitler! - How is it going, mr. Hitler?
Oh, it's a doggy-dog rike(?) and I'm wearing a bacon pants.
So, how's the atomic bomb coming?
It's coming, it's coming. There's some problems,
we have much better luck developing this impressive collection of luftballons.
Oh damn!
Well, I guess we'll just get you back to work.
Oh, I almost forgot, I can suppose you boys have some uranium I could borrow?
Oh, of course. Give him some uranium, Min Joe Green.
Likee. Catch.
Thanks, Min Joe.
He's not really Min at all.
Nah, he's a nice guy.
Okay, the time machine is refuelled.
Let's find a safe spot and make the trip back home.
Arrest him! Arrest all sree.
Zis fills are making a mockery of our Reich. Execute them.
- Unless-- - Unless what?
Unless they can sing a charming musical number.
[sings] Dammit, what are you do? Just get in the fucking time machine.
We did it! We're home. Everything's fine.
- Uh, well, not quite. - What do you mean?
Don't you a little nervous that Mort knows all about this stuff?
Ah, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian.
You see, we've arrived thirty seconds before Mort came up to use the bathroom.
Only this time things are gonna play out a bit differently.
- Can I poop in here? - No!
Too Late.
Family Guy 7x03 Road to Germany
Timing: Razzzma Script: reaper http://familyguyrussia.com/