Peter's Progress

Hey, where's Cleveland?
Doesn't he have a relative in town or something?
I dunno, but I ordered him a beer and now it's just sittin' there
lookin' lonlier than Alan Rickman's answering machine.
Hello. You've reached Alan Rickman
at 0-5-5-5-0-1-2-2.
Please leave a message at the beep.
Hello, Alan Rickman. It's Alan Rickman
reminding you to move the pork chops from the freezer to the refigerator
so they defrost properly.
Do not disappoint me.
Hello. You've reached Alan Rickman
at 0-5-5-5-0-1-2-2.
Please leave a message at the beep.
Alan, it's me again.
Remember that turtle joke for the party.
Hah hah hah hah hah.
Hey, y'all, I want you to meet my cousin from Jamaica,
- Madam Claude. - Nice to meet you all.
Eh heh, you sound like the crab from Little Mermaid.
I had crabs once. It was awful.
You gotta by that cream that comes with the little comb.
- 'Course I can still use the comb. - Well, that's Quagmire.
And you know what else? Madam Claude is psychic.
She can tell you what you were in a past life.
I already know what I was.
A strawberry.
Ah ... it's another pleasant day for me, Peter the Strawberry.
Hey, Mr. Worm. I welcome you arrival
'cos we're all part of the same garden.
Wait ... whadda ya ... uh ... uh... hey .. hey ... hey, get outta here!
Hey, hey! Aaah! Aaaaahhh! Aaaahhhh! Aaaahhhh! Aaaaahhh!
He was my neighbour,
and he violated me.
Now I'll never end up in a fancy pie.
What d'you say, Joe? You want your past life read?
It'll be fun.
Sure, why not?
OK, dear. Close your eyes and clear your mind.
OK. I'm seein' somethin'.
Joe, you were an octopus.
Yes! Yes, this is so awesome!
Damn it!!
Ah, that's so cool! That's so cool! Do me next!
I'm gettin' somethin'.
I see you in London. I think it's the 1800's.
Oh, my! You were Jack the Ripper!
Giggity!
- What about Peter! - Yeah, Peter next.
Oh, I don't think there's anything in that black bag for me.
You're wrong, Peter. Let us begin.
Oh, my! You were a very important man.
You were Griffin Peterson, the founder of the city of Quahog.
Now wait a second, Cool Runnings. We learned in school
that Miles Chatterbox Musket founded Quahog, after he was saved by the magic clam.
No, that is a myth.
Peter, you were the founder of Quahog.
I see ... I see England a long time ago.
It is a crisp, clear Spring morning,
and Griffin Peterson is ridin' to the home of his beloved.
Peterson, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be down at
your job, making oblong bricks out of manure and straw?
No, we're off. It's Martin Luther Day.
- Ah hah! - Yes, that's a very smart joke.
- Isn't that right, comedy professors? - Mmmmm. Oh, yeah. Well done. Indeed.
- Now, what d'you want? - I wanna marry your daughter.
and I'm here to ask for your blessing.
What could you possibly have to offer my daughter?
Well, I'm one of the few guys in this town
who isn't dying a slow, painful diarrhoea death.
Alright, come on in.
- Knock, Knock. Lady Redbush? - Griffin! It's so good to see you.
I'm so horny. Kiss my hand.
What are you doin' here?
I was just walkin' off the rotted goose anus I had for breakfast
and I thought I'd come by and ask you a little question.
- What's that? - Will you marry me?
Ah! Oh, my God, yes!!
Yes, I will, Griffin. Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
- Did you do it? - I did it.
Ooh yah yah yah oh boy yah yah yah yah ...
But in another part of London there was a man
who was not in such good spirits.
The King of England. Stewart, the turd.
Oh .... I'm so bored. I wish to be entertained.
Where's my troop of actors?
Presenting ... the cast of How I Met Your Mother.
- You told her, I told you I kissed her? - Dude, you broke the bro' code.
- That's not against the bro' code. - Yes it is. Article 15B.
That's the heart of the bro' code, man.
Well, you're right, I guess I did break the bro' code.
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ... whoa ... whoa!
What is this? Are these jokes?
Do people in other castles think this is funny?
Well, yeah. We get a pretty sizeable chunk of Princes 18 to 34.
I think I'd like to delete this from my TIVO.
- Are you sure you want to delete this program? - Yes.
Bring me my mid season replacement fool!
- Hi there. - I want to hear some jokes, fool.
Well, y'know, I don't really tell jokes.
I .. I like to tell stories from my life
and let the humour flow organically from everyday situations.
A-hem.
Yeah, my aunt Frieda was a real card
She always had the most wonderful spirit,
even when her mind started to go.
I remember once, she wrote a letter to my uncle Tom
from whom she'd been divorced for several years.
And in the letter, she'd misspelled his name T-O-M-M.
And I said, "Frieda, you've spelled Tom's name wrong."
"You need to take out one of the M's."
And she said, "Which one?"
Y'know, you're gonna be #@%*!@$ dead in 5 seconds
if aunt Frieda doesn't throw a pie at somebody!
I mean, part of that is you sorta have to know my family ...
Make me laugh!!!
Hey, look .... keys!
Ha ha ha ah ah. Oh, that's so satirical.
Ah ha ha. What social commentary?
Ah ha ha. Well, now I'm in a wonderful humour.
I wish to go for a walk into town.
Hey, coachman. Let's drive on the left side of the road
and see if that catches on.
Good Lord! Who is that?
That's Lady Redbush, and her husband-to-be, Griffin Peterson.
That piece of arse is marrying that tall glass of poop juice?
Well, not if I have anything to say about it.
A woman of that calibre should be married to a King.
- Well, what are you gonna do about him? - I'm the King, jester.
I'm going to have him exiled to the farthest corner of the world.
And then she'll be all mine.
Why is he such a jerk to everybody?
Because he has a very, very small penis.
I've seen it, actually, and .. and it's,
like, you don't even want to make fun of it,
- y'know ... it's just ... medically fascinating. - I kinda wanna see it.
Yeah, it's like that one grape in the bunch that never got to be a grape.
I wonder what's keepin' Griffin.
Oh, I'm sure he'll be along, sweetie.
Remember, he's tubby. It takes him a while to move around.
I hope he didn't get diarrhoea and die.
- Can I feel those boobs? - No! Daddy, what are you, sick?
Hey, it's a different time!
What a wonderfully exciting day. I'm young, I'm all dressed up,
and I'm on my way to marry the woman I love.
And there's 290 years separating me from the films of Kevin Smith.
Hey, Peterson!
- Who are you? - I'm King Stewart.
- Don't you recognise me from the coins?
Oh, yeah. The one's with your profile.
You know, you look really weird from the side.
Well, that's something we didn't really think out too well
when we started ... but never mind that!!
You're going into exile, Peterson.
I'm shipping you out on the first boat to the new world.
But I'm supposed to get married today.
Oh, yeah? Where you going for your honeymoon?
- That medium sized hill. - Wrong. Seize him!
And King Stewart's cruelty was only just beginning.
Maybe he changed his mind. Maybe he's not comin'.
Ohhhhh, come on now. There, feel better after I just said that?
- Give me one little touch. - No!
I hate this. I .. I .. I hate my life!
- Oh ... the King! - The King is here.
I didn't vote for him.
Your Majesty, this is a real honour. Carter Redbush.
Very glad to meet you.
Hello. Harry McAfee.
As a citizen, I'm proud to have you reign over me
and the McAfee Fertilizer company.
Lady Redbush, I wish I was here on a happier errand.
But I'm afraid I must inform you that Griffin Peterson is dead.
What?!
Now that some time has passed, do you wanna go out?
With Griffin Peterson exiled to the new world
and Lady Redbush believing he was dead,
King Stewart was now free to marry her.
The bride and groom have written their own vows.
Our love is like two figs hanging from a fig tree,
cradled by Cupid's own hand.
You and I are like t...
Oh ...oh ... I'm sorry.
Is my wedding interrupting your .. your promotion?
We're right in the middle of our show.
OK, right now. You have a time slot. Go there!
Maybe finish this candy bar before you open another one.
Well, at least it wasn't one of those promos where they've got the whole
cast shoving each other playfully, like they're all good pals.
Oh, oh, look! There we go! Oh, look at 'em jostling each other around.
Oh, they give each other a hard time, but they're friends.
Is that areal show?
No, it's just ... no, it's .. somebody's makin' a joke. Forget it.
Meanwhile, Griffin Peterson and the other exiles passed the time
on the ship to the new world.
Ah, crap! A splinter.
- Well, it's been nice knowin' you guys. - So, what'd you do to get exiled?
I got caught pleasuring myself to a painstakingly
etched engraving of the wife of Bath.
What you do?
Ah, I slept with an underaged virgin
to cure my puff penis.
Hey, fellers. You wanna join me in a game of mumble peg?
- Oh, no thanks. - Fine, I'll play by myself.
.. mumble .. mumble .. mumble .. .. mumble .. mumble .. mumble ..
One - nothing.
Eventually, after many months at sea
Griffen Peterson and his shipmates finally reached the new world.
I declare this land .. Quahog.
This place is nothin' but a wilderness. What're we gonna do?
We're gonna build a new settlement.
We'll have a happy new life, and we'll have equal rights for all.
Except Blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Jews, Gays, Women, Muslims ..
Um ... everybody who's not a white man.
And I mean "white" white,
so no Italians, no Polish. Just people from Ireland, England, and Scotland.
But from only certain parts of Scotland and Ireland.
Just full blooded whites.
No, y'know what? Not even whites.
Nobody gets any rights.
Ahhhh ... America.
How's your stewed fox-quail, my dear?
Oh, it's quite good. I'm also enjoyin' the turtled hen.
Isn't the turtled hen good?
So, listen. You and I need to have a conversation
about you not bearing me a son.
Well, my Lord, we've discussed this.
We have to have sex in order for me to bear you a son.
Oh, I know. I've just been so tired, and I've had so much work,
and I think .. I think I wanted to the other day
but I couldn't find you. So, y'know, it's like both of us on our schedules, y'know?
Well, why don't we do it tonight?
Maybe. Tonight might work. Yea...
Oh, no! I got that thing in the morning.
Oh .. how 'bout tomorrow at four?
You know I'm with my mother tomorrow at four.
Oh, darn it! I'm going to be so horny tomorrow at four.
Y'know, I gotta say, I'm a little mad at you for not bein' more available.
We can have sex right now on the table.
Hey! hey, hey, hey ... hey.
We eat here.
Griffin Peterson and the other colonists worked day and night
to build their new settlement, until finally,
after much hard work, the colony of Quahog was complete.
It didn't take long before Quahog was a thriving new world settlement,
bustling with life.
Boy, everything's shapin' up real nice.
Yeah, and we finally finished the town Abortion Clinic.
Time had helped Griffin forget Lady Redbush,
and soon he found himself a hearty new wife.
Boy, that was fantastic.
You must have had a lot of practice.
No, not really. I've been saving myself for marriage.
Ahhhhhh ....... We should probably open up some windows.
I don't know what to do, jester. I can't be married to the King anymore.
My heart still belongs to Griffin Peterson,
but he's dead.
- Ahh. No. He's not. - What?
I was ordered to keep silent by the King, under threat of execution
but .. you're gonna see this anyway.
Oh, my God! He's alive! Jester, I've got to get to him.
I'll help you. But only if I can go with you.
If I stay here, the King'll execute me for telling you all this.
Well .. OK. But how are we gonna get there?
We'll hitch a ride on one of the slave ships tomorrow night,
after an all new Shovin' Buddies.
Followed by an all new slowly rotating black man.
And so Lady Redbush sailed off to the new world.
to find her beloved.
And the timin' was good, because his new wife was a pain in him arse.
.. and then I finished scrubbing the kettle
but .. then I saw that I'd missed a spot
and, oh .. I was so worried that the whole thing wasn't clean enough
so I went back and started washing it again, and sure enough ...
.. I'd missed another spot, and there was a clump of cornmeal
- under the rim from when I made breakfast. - Shut up, Meg! I prithee, shut up!
Griffen!
Lady Redbush.
And so, Griffin Peterson and Lady Redbush were happily reunited.
Of course, Griffin had to go through the complex, extensive divorce
procedure required by 18th century society.
Gone! What do you mean she's gone?
Sire, Lady Redbush has been gone these 6 months.
- 6 months? - Yes. Forgive me, Sire, but how could you not be aware of this?
Don't you share a bed chamber with her?
Well, I mean, sometimes we .. we.. we sleep .. we.. we go to different ..
er, we go to bed at.. at different times. We've both been so busy ...
it's been .. rediculous! I .. I thought she was takin' a class or something.
Oh, man, that sucks! Because I'm so horny.
Damn it! Oh, I wanted to do sex to her tonight.
Well then, I guess we've gotta go get her.
Yeah .. alright.
Months rolled by, and Griffin and Lady Redbush continued to
flourish happily in the colony of Quahog,
completely unaware that King Stewart was on the march.
There was a peaceful town called Quahog
Where people lived in harmony
They never had no kind of trouble
There was no hint of misery.
Then all at once the trouble started
A pack of murderers and thieves
Like swarms of locusts they descended
Their aim to make the townfolk flee
They've gotta be here somewhere.
Where's my 1st lieutenant?
Here I am, sir. Yessir, right indeed, here indeed, yes I am, sir.
I want you to turn this settlement upside down until
you find Lady Redbush and Griffin Peterson.
That fat bastard thinks he can steal my bride and get away with it
I wouldn't bet a corn farthing on him escaping.
No, I wouldn't. Not a corn farthing would I bet. No sir.
- What's wrong with you? - Little wrong in the head, I am,
from eatin' some bad sausages. Yes, bad sausages that I eat, indeed, sir.
Yes, I did some bad sausages ate I.
Oh, Griffin, this time together has been the happiest of my life.
Me too, Lady Redbush.
All those months I was without you, I never stopped
seein' your face in the back of my wife's head.
And all those months I was sailin' for the new world
I saw your face in every slave's stomach.
Tell me we'll be together forever.
We will.
I found 'em, your Majesty. Indeed, yes I did found 'em, did I
- did, yessir, I did. - Yeah. OK, OK ... whatever.
Alright, Peterson. Two things are gonna happen here:
I'm gonna take my wife back, and then I'm gonna kill you!
Alright, alright, Mr. King, sir. You win.
I'm sorry, Lady Redbush. But he is your husband.
Let me just, uh, walk over here and get your things for you.
Nyaah-ahhhhh!
Alright, your Majesty. If you wanna leave with your pal in
one piece, I suggest you throw down your weapons.
Go ahead and kill him, Griffin. You kill him, and I'll kill her.
Go ahead. You kill her, I'll kill him.
Go ahead. You kill him, I'll kill her.
Knock yourself out. You kill her, I'll kill him.
Ha ha ha. This is me laughing. You kill him, I'll kill her.
Ha ha ha. This is me before Ultra Slim-Fast.
You kill her, I'll kill him.
Wait! Wait! There's gotta be a better way to settle this.
- Talent show? - Talent show!
Hear ye! Hear ye! This talent competition will decide rightful possession of
the good Lady Redbush and control of the colony of Quahog.
We first present King Stewart of England with some observational humour.
Hi, there, everybody.
You know, my aunt Frieda was a real card.
She always had the most wonderful spirit,
even when her mind started to go.
What the !*$#@?
I remember once, she wrote a letter to my uncle Tom
from whom she'd been divorced for several years.
And in the letter, she'd misspelled his name T-O-M-M.
This .. this is my bit. These .. these are all my bits.
Ssshh. This is funny.
Unbelievable.
And I said, "Frieda, you've spelled Tom's name wrong."
"You need to take out one of the M's."
And she said, "Which one?"
Clap your hands, everybody.
And everybody clap your hands.
We are the Quahog colonists
- and Mort the Jew. - Hey there.
We're out here on stage tonight
to do a show for you
We got Peterson on the violin
and Quagmire and Joe will be joinin' in
We got Stumpy Shamus on the lead guitar
and he's gonna give you a great big ...
Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrr! Break!
Oh, God. They put so much work into theirs.
I .. I didn't know we could rip off movies.
And from then on, Lady Redbush and Griffin Peterson
lived in peace and happiness.
- Oh, Griffen, I love you. - And I, you.
Let's grow old into our 30's together.
I wanna have a baby with you.
And I wanna be there there when you die, giving birth to it.
And so ends the tale of Griffin Peterson and the founding of Quahog.
Well, what a bunch of delightfully colorful characters.
- So, was that it? - That's it.
Now stay tuned for an all new Cross Armed Opposites.
- This guy. - No. This guy.
- No. This guy. - No. This guy.
Both of us.
Ah ha ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha .... ahhhhhh.
Subtitles by Keef