Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

The annual Quahog Star Trek convention.
Where once a year sci-fi buffs take their lips off the barrel of the loaded gun and spend half a day adjusting their eyes to sunlight
Oh, this sucks, mom. Why are we even here?
Honey, your father's been waiting all year for this.
Especially since he got kicked out of the last one.
Yes, I have a question for Captain Kirk.
Uh, in that episode where you drown your wife, why are you so fat?
Brian, look. I've purchased authentic blue prints to build a Star Trek transporter.
That's great Stewie. You should get William Shatner to sign 'em for you.
No way. I'm getting Patrick Stewart to sign it.
Picard has it all over Kirk.
He's poised and measured and doesn't wear a chear lug.
Rather he excepts even boldness with a quiet cool that says:
"I am in command. You are safe with me.
I will cradle you in my arms though any crisis in any galaxy."
- Are you queer? - Probably
Dad, this is stupid. I'm so bored.
How can you be bored? This convention has everything!
You can even try LeVar Burton's visor!
Why would he wear these? Who would invent these for him?
And in conclusion,
whether your dreams are earthbound or set in the stars - follow your heart.
And.. make it so.
Ooooh, oh boy. He always says the things he says on TV
Now the cast and I would be happy to answer a few questions.
Oh, yes, so many questions. Me, me!
Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart!
Yes, you there.
Yes, I have a question.
Um, often times my household's sponges accumulate an awful amount of buildup.
- What can I do to prevent this? - That's an exellent question.
It's very important to thoroughly wring out your sponges after every usage.
This will prevent the accumulation of grime and bacteria.
A dry sponge is a happy sponge.
That's not a Star Trek question!
I have a question for Jonathan Frakes.
I have this itch on the back of my leg. And I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin?
- Do you take hot showers? - Yes.
- Dry skin. - Thanks.
These aren't Star Trek questions, what the hell?
I have a question for Gates McFadden
I've got an artesian well on my property and the water pressure is lousy.
- Any suggestions? - I would check the point first, before re-priming it.
But remember that the summer months take a particular toll on any region's aquafer, depending on the local climate.
- This is horseshit! - And that's the last question
Thank you for coming. You've been wonderful.
You bastards. I'll get my question answered one way or another.
Oh my God, what a great costume!
Meg, Meg! Come take your picture with this space alien guy!
- No dad, I don't want to! - Come on, it'll be funny.
What a wonderful novelty photo this will make.
Thank you so much buddy. Hey, how did you make that awesome mask?
It's not a mask, I have the mumps.
What? You came to a Star Trek convention with the mumps,
you could be infecting people with a disease!
Yeah, like that old gipsy did to Britney Spears in that Stephen King book.
Thicker.
Well, Meg has the mumps alright.
How is it she was never immunised.
Well, it was 1992 and I couldn't be bothered with anything that didn't involved Dan Cortese
- Besides, what's a big deal? I never got a mumps shot. - Really?
Well, I caution you, that getting the mumps as an adult could result a serious complications.
In some cases the symptoms could spread to the testicular glands.
Big deal, so I wear socks.
Mr. Griffin, your testicles are not on your feet.
- Oh, where are they? - Under your penis.
Are you kidding? I always thought those were two little sandbags to keep floodwaters from floating into my bum
No, no. I'm just poking at your funny bone. I am quite alarmed.
I don't think you realize the danger.
Like the people who think it's OK to bring shampoo on an airplane.
So I told Brenda:
I work hard, I like a clean house when I come home.
And now I'm the bad guy.
-Oh, I know exacltly what you... - Oh, It's in my eyes!
See, Chris, come here, come here, look. Check it out.
- Holy crap, no way! - I know, classic!
I gotta forward this to my bud.
Meg, I know you hate having to be in bed all day, but
your father's bringing in the old TV. - Hey Meg!
- Peter, what the hell? - I don't wanna catch the mumps, Lois.
Here's your TV, Meg. It's a little old and there is no remote and it only gets one channel and it's not on that channel right now.
Chris, check it out. Jackass number two.
This whole day is been one big laugh riot.
- Finally! - Up next Kirk Cameron.
- To talk about God. - Aww.
Hi, welcome to the Religion channel number one show.
"Kirk and the Lord" just hanging. With me, Kirk Cameron.
Today, I'm gonna tell you why God will always be there for you.
- Even in the worst of times. - No thanks.
But first, are you lonely, unappreciated?
Not totally happy with your physical appearance? - Go on.
Are you unloved? Do you feel like no one cares about you?
Meg, your mother made soup for you.
Here you go honey.
Well, you know who does love you? The Lord.
Here's your milk!
Rupert, my transporter is complete.
If my calculations are correct the cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" will soon be here to anwser all my questions!
Wait a minute, something's wrong.
Alright, you girls ready?
What's goin on? Don't you laugh at it?
Good morning mom and dad!
Wow, look who's finally out of her room after five days.
- So you feel better Meg? - All better mom.
I was made well by the hand of God.
This is the day that the Lord hath made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.
- Meg, what are you talking about? - I'm talking about God mom, I've been reborn.
That's right folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun.
Here's the clicker. No one'd blame ya.
- What do you mean you found the Lord? - I've been washed in the blood of the lamb.
Kirk Cameron explained it all to me. The Lord is my saviour.
It's that damn religion channel. She was watching it all day while she was bedridden.
I want to share the word of God with everyone I know. Starting with my family.
Now, everyone hold hands because we are gonna say grace before we eat.
Dad, would you like to do the honors?
Are you kidding? I'd love a chance to shine.
All right Peter, this is it.
Dear Lod, please give me the cheat codes from "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out"
I have been stuck on "Bold Ball" for four years.
I tried Left-Left-Up-B-dodge-uppercut, but it still knocks me out.
And you know, they say your supposed to go Right-B-Up-dodge-Left-uppercu...
Listen to me, telling you how to play a game.
All right, let's try this again.
It's them. I did it!
The cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" is here to anwser my questions!
- What the hell, where am I? - What's goin on?
Greeting everyone, my name is Stewie Griffin.
I've transported you all here against your will.
I'm a huge fan. And you are going to answer all my questions.
- But.. you're a baby. - Yes, that's right Denise Crosby.
That was a warning. Please, do not speak unless you are spoken to.
Now. Question number one.
What's it like on the set?
The show's been off the air for fifteen years
Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun.
You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight.
Oh fuck you Michael! Fifteen years later you still got that attitude.
Oh my God! I'm already having a fantastic time.
- Let's spend a day together! - Hey, that sounds like fun!
- Shut up Wil. - Stop it Patrick!
- You know, I think you should all be nicer to Hwil Hwheaton - The way I treat my...
- Wait, what? - I said you ought to be nicer to Hwil Hwheaton
- You mean Wil Wheaton? - Yes, Hwil Hwheaton.
Why are you saing it like that?
What? I'm just saying, you should be nicer to Hwil Hwheaton. Hwil Hwheaton seems like a nice guy.
- Say "wheat" - Wheat.
- Now, say Wil Wheaton - Hwil Hwheaton
- Wil Wheaton - Hwil Hwheaton
- Wil Wheaton - Hey, did you hook up with Whoopi Goldberg on the show?
All the time.
- Meg, what the hell? I was watching that.
It's time for Kirk Cameron!
And I think it's important for all of you to hear his inspiring message about the word of God.
Oh, again Meg?
You know I think it's wonderful you found something to have faith in but there is such a thing as moderation.
Mum, you sound like a non-believer.
Brian, you're thoughtful person.
Are you willing to open yourself up to God's truth?
Oh, you're barking up the wrong tree, Meg, I'm an atheist.
- What's that? - I.. don't believe in God.
What? Brian?
- How can you say that? - Why? I just thought
you knew. I mean, I never go to church.
You know how I feel about that.
Brian, it's one thing to bash organized religion, but
we believe in God in this house,
I mean an atheist... that's just about the worst thing a person can be!
You're not gonna get anything for Christmas, Brian!
- Guys, I'm just trying to say.. - Shut up beast!
I have dominion over you and I command you to believe in God!
I'm sorry, I just don't see any evidence.
I mean, look at the Hubble telescope.
It's discovered untold wonders of a vast unexplored universe.
But not one picture of a guy with a beard sitting around on a cloud.
I mean what's he doing up there?
You know, you keep talking like that, God's gonna get you, Brian.
He's gonna get you with the Kodak disc.
Oh God's gonna get you with the Kodak disc!
I'm sorry. What were we talking about?
Hey! Where the hell is my van?
Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast food eater.
Yeah? Can you read my mind?
Can you tell what I'm thinking right now? I'm thinking "Shut up and get a salad"
- I want some McNuggets! - We'll get to you, Brent.
I'm wanna hamburger. No, a cheeseburger.
- I wanna hotdog, I wanna milk shake - You'll get nothing and like it!
- Hello? - Yes, welcome to MacDonald's. Can I help you?
Hailing frequency's open, huh?
Oh yeah, we're gonna get two McChicken sandwiches and a diet coke and..
- What do you want Michael? - A McB.L.T.
No, I already told you they don't make those anymore!
You know, sometimes it's a regional thing.
- You could ask. - No MacDonald's anywhere makes a McB.L.T anymore!
- I'd love a shamrock shake if they got any of those. - It's September Jonathan!
Stewie, can I take this fucking headband off?
No LeVar, you're blind, that's the only way you can see.
Just saying they have all the ingredients for a McB.L.T.
Just hang on, alright? There's a lot of us, it, there's a lot of.. It's a big order!
- What time do they stop serving breakfast? - It's 3 o'clock!
- Some of them serve breakfast allday. - NO ONE SERVE BREAKFAST ALLDAY!
Do they have beer?
Hey Brian! In hope you'll open your heart to God
I wanted to give you this cross.
- No, I don't wanna cross. - Would you want it if I threw it over there?
- No, please don't do that. - You gonna get it boy?
- No, please, no. - Go get it boy!
Okay, give it back now!
Brian, Kirk Cameron is the one who converted me
but unfortunately he's not available.
So, I got his younger brother from "Growing Pains"
Would you guys buy me a case of Sudafed?
Don't you wanna tell Brian about Jesus?
They got my picture up at the drug store and they won't sell me any Sudafed.
I'll make it worth your while.
Ben.
Dad.
Ben.
What have I told you about trading sexual favors for sudafed?
Look, Meg. I've had enough of this. You not gonna convert me.
But Brian! I just want you to feel the joy that I feel.
I mean the Church makes me feel accepted and safe
and part of something bigger that myself.
But Meg, you don't need an outside voice to feel those feelings, they're inside you.
What you call "God" is inside you, all of us.
And I just hate to see people hating and killing each other over their own interpretation of what they're not smart enough to understand.
- You see what I'm saying? - Oh I do Brian
And I think I know just what to do.
Good evening, I'm Tom Taker. Our top story tonight.
Just when you thought the world couldn't be any more dangerous
Channel 5 News has discovered that there is an atheist among us.
Local church goer and juniour christian soldier Meg Griffin
has identified the atheist as Brian Griffin of Spooner Street
Here's the reaction from City Hall.
Shocking to say the least.
I'd rather have a terrorist living on our midst.
At least they belive in a God. Even if it's a smelly brown God.
Meg, how the hell could you do something like this?
If a man hath ears, let him hear, Brian!
Alright, what's the worst that could happen, this is the twenty first century, people are tolerant.
Well, this is nothing, probably just a random act of violence.
I thought only he without sin could cast the first Prius.
Huh, my God. That was a close one.
Brian, what happened?
I'm a pariah, Lois
Ever since Meg told everyone I'm an atheist I'm the most hated person in town.
I try to rent a movie and they threw me out. I try to buy a pack of cigarettes and they threw me out.
But the most serious part of it is no bar would serve me a drink!
Well if you ask me me, I think laying off the sauce could do you some good Brian.
Yeah, right. If you need me I'll be in the kitchen.
I hope he finds faith of some kind.
You know who doesn't have all this problems? Marmaduke.
All he does is eat pies off the high counter.
Next time around we're gonna get ourselves a big tall pie-eating dog, Lois
- Okay Peter. - Or Howard Hughes. Let's get Howard Hughes!
Great, we have a game plan.
Hold it together, Brian, hold it together.
Come on! You know you want a drink.
Yeah, come on, Brian, drink us!
Come on, drink me! What are you waitng for?
Yeah you big silly arse. Just wrap your lips around me and take a big gulp.
Get to the chopper!
Alright, everybody got your bowling shoes, everybody got your balls.
I don't have my shoes.
- Jonathan, we were just up at the counter. Why didn't you get your shoes? - I don't have my shoes either.
- What the hell? You need your shoes to bowl. - Now, why exactly can I not wear my loafers?
- What is the danger there? - Because, Patrick, because, Patrick!
- Those are the rules. - Well I think it's just because they want another dollar fifty from me.
Alright, I'm putting our names in.
- Brent.. - No-no don't put Brent
- Put Rock Kickass - I don't know how to change it, I already typed it in!
For mine put Dirk Diggler.
I'm not gonna put everyone with a fake name!
How do you wanna do the teams?
- How about the white guys against the black guys? - Patrick, don't be an instigator.
- I have to pee. - Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please.
Okay.
Look at me! I've got girl boobs!
Hey Meg! Guess what?
I've seen the light.
- Really? - Yes, hallelujah I believe in God. Lordy-lordy, I believe.
Brian, that's fantastic news!
I know, I know. Hey, you mind spreading the news around town, say
maybe down at the liquor store, maybe down at the Clam
Of course Brian, but first we have work to do.
God's work. And God will be happy that you're joining me.
Then I say let's celebrate the way they did in the bible.
With wine. Red wine. You know, like Jesus drank.
- Do you like the wine? - Very much, what is it?
Take a guess.
I have to leave.
Naaah, sit down.
Thanks for setting everyone straight, Meg.
I feel the warm healing liquid presence of God's genuine cold filtered grace.
It was my pleasure Brian.
And now, we get to do the work of the Lord.
- Come on! - What? What are we doing?
God's will Brian.
- A book burning? - Come on! Grab an arm full!
We have to destroy everything that's harmful to God!
Meg, I can't be a part of this. And either should you.
What are you talking about? I thought you'd seen the light, Brian!
Well, to be honest I lied for booze, but Meg, you're a smart girl
You ought to be able see that what's going on here is wrong!
You are not gonna turn me from my faith, Brian!
Ok, fine. Then let me just ask you this.
If there were a God would he put you here on Earth with a flat chest and a fat ass?
-I'm made in his image? - Really?
Would he give you a smoking hot mom like Lois and then have you grow up looking like Peter?
Well..
And what kind of God would put you in a house where no one respects or cares about you?
Not even enough to get you a damn mumps shot!
Oh, no!
You're right, Brian! You're right!
I'm sorry Meg.
But what is there to believe in without God?
Where do the answers come from?
Oh that's all part of the human experience. It's what we're here to find out.
And I bet you that the real answer to the nature of our existence
is gonna be more unimaginably amazing than we can possibly conceive.
Rob?
Did you hear that?
Hear what?
I swear I heard something.
There is nothing under your bed.
There is nothing in the closet.
There are no such things as monsters.
Alright?
- Alright I guess. - Good.
Now, try to go to sleep, cause we gotta get up in the morning and make movies.
We're big Hollywood actors.
Yeah we are!
This was exhausting.
This whole experience was absolutely exhausting.
You people have ruined "Star Trek: The Next Generation" for me
You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I've
ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with.
I hope you all fucking die.
I still have five prize tickets from the carnival.
There was nothing for five tickets, we've been over this!
Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the Fuzzy Troll pencil topper
- Oh, yeah? You gonna share that? - Yeah, we were gonna share it!
- Really? How's that gonna work? - Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's and alternating sundays.
For a pencil topper?
- I have to pee again. - That's it. Goodbye.