I Dream of Jesus

Family Guy Season 7 Episode 2 "I dream of Jesus"
Corrected Subtitles !
You know kids, there's a lot of history here. These 50's diners were very popular in the 80's.
Boy, Am I gonna enjoy this meal.
Not like last night when I didn't have time to poop before the guests arrived.
Do I have time? You know what, I'm gonna go for it.
Son of a bitch! Looks like I'm gonna have to pile all dinner on top of... He guys how are you!
Look at this place. They don't serve any of this 1950's food anymore.
Hamburgers, french fries, cokes. He-he, you kids don't know what I'm talking about.
I love how all the service look like celebrities from the 50's.
Marilyn Monroe. Elvis. And look there's James Dean after the accident.
Can I tell you about tonight's specials?
Oh, look, Cleveland finally made it.
Oh, hey there Griffins.
Oh, that takes me back.
Hey! What are you, a robot?
No son. It's the 1950's and I have polio.
Wow, I've never heard of that before.
Oh yeah Chris. Polio back then was like AIDS today. Except people who have polio get in to heaven.
Oh my God! This is Surfin' Bird by The Thrashmen. This is my favorite song of all time.
Chris don't you know about the bird?
Meg, everybody knows that the bird is the word!
Hey, guy behind the counter, the bird is the word!
Hey, frightened little child, the bird is the word.
Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word.
Hey, don't you know about the bird?
Sure, everybody knows that the bird is the word.
Again, Again, I love repetition.
Hey what's the big idea?
This song from the 1960's, it shouldn't be in this jukebox.
Wait wait! Can I have that record? I love that song.
I'll let you have sex with my daughter.
I don't know, let's see what you daughter looks like.
She's... er... right there.
Okay. I'll do her. But can you tell her to cry and beg me to stop?
I think that can be arranged.
Peter will you give this song a rest? You've been playing it ever since we've got home.
No way Lois, it's my new favorite thing in the world.
Argh...
Lois... I'm gonna ask you this only once
Do you or do you not know about the bird?
Oh God!
'Cause everybody's heard that the bird is the word...
Aw...
Oh God! Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Look, just go to sleep all right?
Peter, I have a mammogram in the morning.
Brian, can I see that paper for a sec?
Huh... That's odd I thought that would be big news.
You thought what would be big news?
Well there seems to be an absence of a certain ornithological piece.
A headline regarding mass awareness of a certain avion variety
What are you talking about?
Oh, have you not heard?
It was my understanding that everyone had heard.
heard what? Brian, don't!
Brian don't you know about the bird?
Well, Peter's gonna tell you about the bird.
Oh my God! Peter you all right?
Peter I was just at the bank and they told me you withdrew six thousand dollars cash from our savings.
That's almost everything we have! What the hell was it for?
I bought some local TV air time, Lois, and I did a public service announcement of vital importance.
Thank you.
Hi. I'm Peter Griffin.
You know there's an issue facing many americans today that I know concerns a great number of us.
According to Gallup polls one in twelve americans is unaware that the bird is the word.
I've for one dream of an America where everybody knows that the bird is the word.
My God! Is it possible.
Have the boys at the lab confirmed this?
Sir! Our math shows that the bird is equal to or greater than the word.
Check it again!
Brian? Yeah.
I don't feel so good.
All right, that's it! We gotta do something about this.
We have got to get that record and destroy it.
Just like that fat person surgery destroyed Star Jones's arms.
I look so good. I lost all this weight.
TAXI!
Coming to show to people how I said how I look.
WHO!? GET IT!?
Who did what, pop?
Yes Peter, what has you upset?
Surfin' bird is gone!
I took it to bed, had sex with it. It fell asleep in my arms and this morning it's gone.
Well Peter, nobody here would steal from you.
Oh, no one had a motive Lois?
You all had a motive, every one here.
You knew that I changed my will and left everything to the record.
And that's why you wanted the record out of the way.
Meg wanted to get a passport for her twin sister to get her out of the country but the record wouldn't allow it.
But Meg didn't count on me discovering she has no twin sister.
And Meg itself was recently released from the sanitarium.
And that's where Chris came into the picture.
So you got it all figured out, do you?
You couldn't leave well enough alone.
You won't fire Chris, you don't got the stomach for it.
I'm sorry dad, I've no idea what you're talking about.
Well, it sure is odd. A record doesn't just get up and walk away.
Except for my old Allen Sherman record.
If you ain't gonna play me, don't complain when I try to split.
There's a lot of jews out there still get a laugh of a "hello mother, hello father".
Whoo, such heat this morning I don't need this jacket.
Well, a hell with all of you. I'm going downtown and buy another copy of Surfin' Bird.
Peter that's not necessary. I'm sure it'll turn up somewhere.
I wouldn't count on it Lois.
Do you have Surfin' Bird by The Thrashmen?
No, I'm sorry. A dog and a baby came in and bought all 63 copies.
Damn it, this is third used record store with that same story.
You are... You look familiar. Do I, do I know you?
Did you go into North Providence high school?
No.
You friends with Gary who owns the drycleaners?
No.
Are you Jesus Christ?
No...
Oh my God! You are, you Jesus Christ!
No, I'm not. I'm just a guy working at a record store.
Huh! Well if you're not Jesus Christ, then you won't mind if I pee on this Amy Grant CD's.
Don't...
Aha, you are Jesus.
Yes. I am.
Oh my God! Jesus Christ, the Messiah, you've returned.
You've returned to bring us the good word!
What word?
Jesus Christ has returned to earth. I can't believe it.
The Second Coming.
Will you keep it down? It's not the second coming.
Okay, so what are you doing here?
Well, believe it or not, I pop in every hundred years or so.
Kinda incognito. Just to get away from the family.
Plus the timing seemed good, 'cause my dad just quit smoking and is a little on edge.
Who took my checkbook? Helen! Why is there a pen cap and no pen?
You're the first person to recognize me in two thousand years.
You seem like a nice guy. Hey won't you come over to my house for dinner tonight?
Okay. But I don't get off until 7.
Great! We'll have a blast. After we eat we can watch that youtube footage of xx xx calling moviephone.
Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see NOW.
xxxx.
I'm sorry I didn't catch that.
Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see NOW.
xxxxx.
You have selected "300"
If this is the movie you'd like to see, say yes NOW.
NO!
You have confirmed "300"
Wow! Jesus Christ at our dinner table. I still can't get over it.
I'm actually glad you're all here tonight.
I wanted tell you that one of you will betray me.
Just kidding.
He's doing that thing he did in this story book.
So Jesus finish that story you were telling us.
Oh, all right. So there I was. They just beaten me senseless. Stuck thorns in my head.
Nailed me to the piece of wood. Shoved the spunch full of vinegar in my mouth and killed me.
Then they put me into a hole with a rock in front of it for two whole days.
And come sunday BAM, I rise from the dead.
Okay, that sounds like a naughty weekend but I can top it.
So me and Cleveland and Joe are just wrecked on southern comfort right?
We know we gonna puke but Joe says "Hey let's go see Chronicles of Riddick"
Sat through the whole thing without puking and then I get home wouldn't you know I lost my glasses.
Huh? Peter 1 - Jesus 0
Ah, you know Jesus if I go get myself on, would you mind talking to my friend Mariel Goldman?
I really just want to rub her jewish nose in this.
All right, I'll be the one to say it. How do we know you really Jesus?
Can you perform miracles?
Sure. How about this?
Oh boy! Sundays! I love you Jesus.
I love you too fella.
Hey Jesus can you do something for me?
Sure Peter, what is it?
Say listen Jesus, I know you're trying to keep a low profile but
there's one person I really want you to meet.
Oh yeah, who's that?
The American people may have turned against the war but I answer to a higher power.
I answer to the power of Jesus Christ.
Oh, that's funny, because I happen to have Jesus Christ right here.
I've heard what you were saying. You know nothing of my work.
How you ever got to be president of anything is totally amazing.
Wouldn't it be great if life were like this?
Hey listen Jesus, thanks for coming by tonight and hanging out with us.
You may look like a bum but you've got a lot of talent, young man.
Yeah, I've forgotten how great it is interacting with other people.
Well, I better get some sleep, I gotta open the store tomorrow.
Ah, you don't wanna get back to that record store. You gotta get back out there.
Coloring eggs and hiding them for kids.
What? You mean reveal myself?
Absolutely. This world needs you, Jesus. It needs you like the guy who can't get it up needs a distraction.
I'm so ready to have sex with you. Oh, hey is that my phone?
I don't hear anything.
Is that John Aston?
I don't see anyone out there.
Oh, well now, there's so much going on.
You know you're right, Peter. It may be time. But how do we do it?
Everyone, may I have your attention please. I would like to introduce you to the one, the only... Jesus Christ.
That's right. That's Jesus Christ. Right here.
Jesus Christ Yeah right.
Look at these idiots, they don't even listening. You know what, we gotta prove it to them.
Listen, I'm gonna go to that supermarket and get some water and you gonna turn it into wine.
Okay, cool. Can you get me a Cracked magazine?
Cracked?
Yeah.
Jesus Christ unbelieveable. All right, I'll be back.
Ah, crap!
Don't worry, I'll get it.
Ah... Woo... Oh my god... Jesus... It's Jesus Christ...
And his best pal Peter, ah-ah... wow...
15 minutes Mr. Christ.
Wow, Jesus, can you believe you gonna get to meet Jay Leno.
Mom, why is it there when Jesus revealed himself to the world, he became famous and when I did, I've got suspended for 5 days.
You know, I owe this all to you Peter. You gave me the confidence I needed.
Ah, never mind about that pal. You just go out and knock 'em dead.
Now, who are you? Jesus Christ.
Who are you?! Jesus Christ!
WHO ARE YOU?!! JESUS CHRIST!!!
NOW GO GET 'EM!!!
My face again to Dave Coulier. Season 3 of Full House is out on DVD March 5th.
My next guest died for our sins and now it looks like he's back on the scene.
Please welcome from the Bible, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus.
Oh well, Jesus, welcome to the show.
Thanks Jay, glad to be here.
So, Jesus, so what've you been doing since you've been back?
Oh, you know kinda bumming around, playing a little color duty for even a lot of pinkberry.
blah-blah-blah
I've been sampling the night life out here.
I raised River Phoenix from the dead then we went out to the Viper Room and he OD'd again.
blah-blah-blah
Jesus Christ everybody. Will be right back with Joss Stone.
Did you see that? He made Jay Leno laugh. This guy is gonna be huge.
Now back to the MTV Movie Awards hosted by Dane Cook.
Hey everybody what's up? Dane Cook here in da house. At the MTV Movie Awards. what's up?, what's up?.
Hey you know what I hate? When you eat an ice cream cone and it's all like cold.
And you like "Why didn't you warn me that`s so cold?"
And he's like "It's ice cream, dude".
And you like "Oh, man". But chicks don't do that because they use a spoon.
Argh. Watsup. Sufight. Poo. MySpace.
Is he saying something funny?
I don't know but he's moving around a lot, so I guess.
Ha-hah. He was on the internet Neumann college. Ha-hah.
And now to present the award for sickest on screen gangsta pimp bound ? parisness
Jesus Christ and the pussycat dolls.
Hey Jesus. That's my buddy Jesus.
Boy. Who would've thought, me, Peter Griffin, the guy you just two weeks ago drew a smily face on his own testicle to make his son laugh.
Well, I've lost my train of thought. But yeah, that's my buddy Jesus.
Hey, It's a pleasure to be here with you, six interchangeable women.
Last time I was down here on earth I only hung around with one whore.
C'mon guys, let's head over to my crib.
Hey, you guys mind scooting over a little bit?
Oh, sorry Peter, doesn't look like there's any room.
What? What do you mean?
Well, there's only one space left and I promised it to that cow.
This is gonna be so much fun. I'm gonna stick my head out the sunroof and wave my arms and go "Whoo, I'm in Hollywood!"
Whoo, I'm in Hollywood! Gee, I've said I'll do it.
Peter, would you put that thing away, we're trying to eat dinner.
I can't believe Jesus hasn't called me back. I left him a message like 4 hours ago.
Well, maybe he doesn't have his phone with him.
No, no, I rang twice and then a voice mail picked up.
If it gone straight to voice mail that means the phone was off.
If I rang like 6 times that means he didn't hear it but I rang twice Lois.
That means a phone rang, he saw it was me and then he pressed a button and sent it straight to voice mail.
You know what, give me your phone, I bet he'll pick up.
Hehey Lois.
Hey you. It's Peter. What the hell we were supposed to do something today.
Ah... Forgot to tell you, I have a doctor's appointment today, I'm actually there now.
Hey look, Lindsay Lohan just took her top off.
Heeey, I just drink a beer, who wants to do me?
I do. Me too. I just did you, but I'll go again.
I gotta go.
Can you believe the way Jesus has treatened me?
I thought he was my friend.
Fame and success do crazy things to people Peter.
I'm sure deep down he's still that same old Jesus.
He may just need to figure that out in his own way.
Maybe. But one thing's for sure Lois.
None of this would've happen if somebody haven't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!!!
Tonights top story: Local record shop employee Jesus Christ was found
in Mary-Kate Olsons apartment this morning face down and unconscious.
Police revived and arrested the disoriented Jesus who was quoted to saying:
"Jews are responsible for all the world's wars"
Brian, you think that's our Jesus?
Griffin's residence, Peter speaking.
Oh yeah?.. Why should I?..
Yeah, well, get someone else to bail you out, 'cause it ain't gonna be me.
Yeah, well, what are you gonna do about it?
All right, I'm coming.
Jesus Christ look at you. You've had it all: money, fame, eternal life. And you blew it. You let it all go to your head.
I know Peter. I guess it turns out I'm just as human as anyone else.
Yeah, well, what are we doing now?
You want the truth? I think it's time for me to go.
This world's not ready for me yet and I'm not ready for it.
I don't know. Maybe I'll try coming back in another thousand years when I'm a little more mature.
Well, that's a very mature thing to say right there.
I think you're on your way.
Well, before I go Peter, there's something I wanna give you.
Hold out your hands.
Well, I guess that's it then. Jesus is gone.
I sure am gonna miss him.
Me too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared.
What?
Something very special Lois.
What is it dad?
What? You haven't heard?
Crap!