Dr. Odd

Quotes from Anchorman

Champ Kind: The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron. You're a member of the Channel Four News Team.
Ron Burgundy: That's a given.
Champ Kind: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you. I miss you so damn much! I miss being with you. I miss being *near* you. I miss your laugh!
[laugh's playfully and pulls on Ron's sleeve]
Champ Kind: I miss your scent.
[Composes himself, becomes serious]
Champ Kind: I miss your musk... When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!
Brian Fantana: Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you sit this next one out, stop talking for a while.

Ron Burgundy: [Ron is shirtless in his office and is doing arm curls with dumbbells] 1001... 1002... 1003...
Veronica Corningstone: Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, you asked me to come by, sir.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, did I?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes.
Ron Burgundy: Ohh, it's the deep burn. Oh, it's so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.

What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? I'm not even mad; that's amazing.

We've been going to the same party every night for 12 years now...and in no way is that depressing.

Champ Kind: What do you say if we go out on a date? Have some chicken, maybe some sex... You know, see what happens.

“It’s so damn hot. Milk was a bad choice.” — Ron Burgundy

“You know I don’t speak Spanish.” — Ron Burgundy

“I love lamp.” — Brick Tamland

Public TV News Anchor: Well, it looks like we got ourselves a bi-lingual bloodfest.

“I immediately regret this decision.” — Ron Burgundy

“I’ll have a Manhattan. And kick the vermouth to the side with a pair of steel-toed boots.” — Veronica Corningstone

“I love scotch. Scotchy scotch scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly.” — Ron Burgundy

“What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole wheel of cheese? How’d you do that? Heck, I’m not even mad; that’s amazing.” — Ron Burgundy

“Don’t act like you’re not impressed.” — Ron Burgundy

“They’ve done studies, you know. 60 percent of the time, it works every time.” — Brian Fantana

“I’m in a glass case of emotion!” — Ron Burgundy

Waiter at Tino's: May I take your order?
Ron Burgundy: Yes, I am going to have three fingers of Glenlivet with a little bit of pepper, and, uh, some cheese.
Waiter at Tino's: Very good.
Veronica Corningstone: Uh, I'll take a Manhattan, and kick the vermouth in the side with a pair of steel-toed boots.
Waiter at Tino's: Certainly.
Ron Burgundy: Thank you, Scott.
[to Veronica]
Ron Burgundy: Wow. Quite a drink order.
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, well, when in Rome.
[chuckles]
Ron Burgundy: Yes? Please, go on.
Veronica Corningstone: Uh, do as the Romans do?
[after Ron's blank look]
Veronica Corningstone: It's an old expression.
Ron Burgundy: Oh! I've never heard of it. It's wonderful, though.

“He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine they made Sinatra look like a hobo.” — Narrator

“Oh, I can barely lift my right arm ’cause I did so many. I don’t know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.” — Ron Burgundy

“Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means ‘a whale’s vagina.’” — Ron Burgundy

“It’s terrible. She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon!” — Ron Burgundy

“Baxter, is that you? Baxter! Bark twice if you’re in Milwaukee.” — Ron Burgundy

“There were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.” — Brick Tamland

“You are a smelly pirate hooker. Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island?” — Ron Burgundy

“I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.” — Brick Tamland

“Well if you were a man, I’d punch you. Punch you right in the mouth.” — Ron Burgundy

“I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.” — Ron Burgundy

“You look like a blueberry.” — Veronica Corningstone

“The human torch was denied a bank loan.” — Ron Burgundy

“It is anchorman, not anchorlady. And that is a scientific fact.” — Champ Kind

“I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.” — Brick Tamland

“[I'll] take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.” — Champ Kind

Brick Tamland: I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.

Champ Kind: Tell me about it, this morning, I woke up and I shit a squirrel, but what I can't get is the damn thing is still alive. So now, I've got a shit covered squirrel running around my office and I don't know what to name it.

Brick Tamland: O, I'm sorry champ, I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.

Veronica Corningstone: I told you that I wanted to be an anchor...

Ron Burgundy: I thought you were kidding. I thought it was a joke. I even wrote it down in my diary - Veronica had a very funny joke today. I laughed about it later that night.

Brian Fantana: That was one crazy party. I am hung over.

Champ Kind: I woke up on the floor of some Japanese family's rec room, and they would NOT stop screaming.

Brick Tamland: I ate a big, red candle.

Ron Burgundy: Brick, where did you get a hand grenade?

Brick Tamland: I don't know.

Ron Burgundy: I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.

Ron Burgundy: I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.

Veronica Corningstone: Really.

Ron Burgundy: People know me.

Veronica Corningstone: Well, I'm very happy for you.

Ron Burgundy: I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

Veronica Corningstone: Oh Ron, there are literally thousands of other men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.

Champ Kind: What's it like, Ron?

Ron Burgundy: The intimate times? Outta sight, my man.

Brian Fantana: No, the other thing - love.

Brick Tamland: Yeah, what is that?

Ron Burgundy: I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly...

Ron Burgundy: I'm in a glass case of emotion!

Brick Tamland: I love...carpet. I love...desk.

Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?

Brick Tamland: I love lamp.

Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?

Brick Tamland: I love lamp. I love lamp.

Veronica Corningstone: Take me to Pleasure Town.

Ron Burgundy: Oh, we're going there.

Frank Vitchard: I am gonna straight-up murder your ass.

Brick Tamland: I don't know what we're yelling about!

Ron Burgundy: Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy. What's your name?

Brian Fantana: Brian Fantana.

Champ Kind: Champ Kind.

Brick Tamland: Brian Fantana.

Brian Fantana: No, you're Brick.

Brick Tamland: Brian.

Brian Fantana: I'm Brian.

Brick Tamland: Veronica.

Announcer: You're watching Channel 4 News, with five time Emmy award winning anchor Ron Burgundy, and Tits McGee.

Veronica: Good evening, San Diego. I'm Veronica Corningstone. Tits McGee is on vacation.

Ron: And I'm Tits... I'm Ron Burgundy.

Veronica: Mr. Burgundy, you have a massive erection.

Ron: Oh yeah, about that, it's probably just the pants, I was meaning to take them back to the, uh, pants store.

Veronica Corningstone: For the entire Channel 4 news team, I'm Veronica Corningstone.

Ron Burgundy: And I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.

Ron Burgundy: Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean that really got out of hand fast!

Brian Fantana: It jumped up a notch.

Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?

Brick Tamland: Yea, I stabbed a man in the heart.

Ron Burgundy: I saw that! Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?

Brick Tamland: Yea, there were horses and a man on fire and I killed a guy with a trident.

Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safe house or a relative close by because you're probably wanted for murder.

Ron Burgundy: You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair.

Veronica Corningstone: My God, what is that smell? Oh!

Brian Fantana: That's the smell of desire, my lady.

Veronica Corningstone: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper, filled with Indian food! Oh, excuse me.

Brian Fantana: You know, desire smells like that to some people.

Garth Holliday: What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.

News worker: Smells like Bigfoot's dick!

Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diago, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.

Veronica Corningstone: No, there's no way that's correct.

Ron Burgundy: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.

Veronica Corningstone: Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?

Ron Burgundy: No. No.

Veronica Corningstone: No, that's what it means. Really.

Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.

Ron Burgundy: You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?

Ed Harken: Dammit! Who typed a question mark on the Teleprompter?

Brian Fantana: Ron, I know it sounds harsh, but God does not want her to live.

[Arguing against women in the newsroom.]

Brick Tamland: I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.

Brian Fantana: Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.

Brian Fantana: I think I was in love once.

Ron Burgundy: Really? What was her name?

Brian Fantana: I don't remember.

Ron Burgundy: That's not a good start, but keep going.

Brian Fantana: She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.

Ron Burgundy: I'm pretty sure that's not love.

Brian Fantana: Damn it!

Ron Burgund: I don't normally do this, but I felt compelled to tell you some...

Ron Burgundy: Um, Brick, before I let you go, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament?
Brick Tamland: Um, no, no. Too many people died last year, so we're not gonna.

Ron Burgundy: [looking at his reflection in the mirror] Mmmmm... I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone... come and see how good I look.

Brick Tamland: I ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like the guy said... my tummy itches.

Ron Burgundy: Oop... I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.

Brick Tamland: [opposing women in the newsroom] I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.
Brian Fantana: Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.

Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy. You have a massive erection.

Brick Tamlan: I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.

Brick Tamland: I love... carpet.
[pause]
Brick Tamland: I love... desk.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp.
Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp. I love lamp.

Brian Fantana: I think I was in love once.
Ron Burgundy: Really? What was her name?
Brian Fantana: I don't remember.
Ron Burgundy: That's not a good start, but keep going...
Brian Fantana: She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.
Ron Burgundy: I'm pretty sure that's not love.
Brian Fantana: Damn it.

Brian Fantana: Where is the suit store? We've been walking for forty-five minutes.
Champ Kind: Brick, I thought you said this was a shortcut.
Brick Tamland: Fantastic.
Ron Burgundy: Well, is it a shortcut or not?
Brick Tamland: Okay.

Ron Burgundy: It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice.

Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica Corningstone] I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head.

Ron Burgundy: [clears throat] Well, I could be wrong, but I believe, uh, diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.

Ron Burgundy: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch.
Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.
Ron Burgundy: I saw that. Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

Ron Burgundy: [after jumping into the grizzly bear pit at the San Diego Zoo] I immediately regret this decision.

Ron Burgundy: I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.

Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
Veronica Corningstone: No, there's no way that's correct.
Ron Burgundy: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone: Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?
Ron Burgundy: No. No.
Veronica Corningstone: No, that's - that's what it means. Really.
Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.

Brick Tamland: Loud noises!

Bartender: You know, times are changing. Ladies can do stuff now and you're going to learn how to deal with it.
Ron Burgundy: What? Were you saying something? Look, I don't speak Spanish.

Ron Burgundy: I'm in a glass case of emotion.

Ron Burgundy: I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.
[Veronica turns and walks away]
Ron Burgundy: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I... I wanna be on you.

Ron Burgundy [to Baxter]: What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing. How 'bout we get you in your p.j.'s and we hit the hay.

Ron Burgundy: I can't believe you did this to me. You read my news.
Veronica Corningstone: I told you that I wanted to be an anchor. I told you that.
Ron Burgundy: I thought you were kidding. I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary. "Veronica had a very funny joke today." I laughed at it later that night.
Veronica Corningstone: I can't believe that I cared for you.
Ron Burgundy: Get out. Just go. We are through. Through. Because of your actions, you scorpion woman.
Veronica Corningstone: You have broken my heart, Mr. Burgundy. You have broken my heart.

Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, I'm a professional, and I would like to be able to do my job.
Ron Burgundy: Big deal. I am very professional.
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.
Ron Burgundy: I'm not a baby, I am a man. I am an anchorman.
Veronica Corningstone: You are not a man. You are a big fat joke.
Ron Burgundy: I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.
Veronica Corningstone: I will have you know that I have more talent and more intelligence in my little finger than you do in your entire body, sir.
Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker.
Veronica Corningstone: You look like a blueberry.
Ron Burgundy: Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?
Veronica Corningstone: Well, you have bad hair.

Veronica Corningstone: Oh, Ron, there are literally thousands of men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.

Ron Burgundy: Everyone just relax, all right? Believe me, if there's one thing Ron Burgundy knows, it's women.
Brian Fantana: I don't know, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited.

Brian Fantana: No, she gets a special cologne... It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
Ron Burgundy: It's quite pungent.
Brian Fantana: Oh yeah.
Ron Burgundy: It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way.
Brian Fantana: Yep.
Ron Burgundy: Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
Brian Fantana: They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time.
Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make sense.

Ron Burgundy: [riding unicorns through cartoon Pleasure Town] Look, the most glorious rainbow ever.
Veronica Corningstone: Oh. Do me on it.

Ron Burgundy: Let's go to Brian Fantana who's live on the scene with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian?
Brian Fantana: Panda Watch. The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I uh... Ching... King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.
[to the Panda]
Brian Fantana: Hey, you're making me look stupid. Get out of here, Panda Jerk.

Champ Kind: The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron. You're a member of the Channel Four News Team.
Ron Burgundy: That's a given.
Champ Kind: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you, I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. I miss your scent; I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together.
Brian Fantana: Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you stop talking for a while.

Ron Burgundy: I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly...

Ron Burgundy: You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair.

Ron Burgundy: I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.

Ron Burgundy
Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises! And then our children will form a family band! And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited!

Ron Burgundy [to Veronica Corningstone]
I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head.

Ron Burgundy [driving in car, speaking to Baxter]
Oh, Baxter, you are my little gentleman. I'll take you to foggy London town 'cause you are my little gentleman. Wow, this burrito is delicious, but it is filling.
[throws burrito out the window]

Ron Burgundy
I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

Bartender [to Ron Burgundy]
You know, times are changing. Ladies can do stuff now and you're going to learn how to deal with it.

Veronica Corningstone
I will have you know that I have more talent and more intelligence in my little finger than you do in your entire body, sir!

News Station Employee [after smelling the Sex Panther cologne]
It smells like a turd covered in burnt hair!

Champ Kind
I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!

Ron Burgundy: I don't know how to put this, but I'm kind of a big deal.
Veronica Corningstone: Really.
Ron Burgundy: People know me.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, I'm very happy for you.
Ron Burgundy: Um, I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books, and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

Ron Burgundy: Let's go to Brian Fantana who's live on the scene with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian?
Brian Fantana: Panda Watch! The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I, uh, Ching King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said "No, you can't do that, he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off." [to the Panda] Hey, you're making me look stupid. Get out here, panda jerk!
Ron Burgundy: Great story. Compelling and rich.

Brian Fantana: I mean come on, Ed, it's bullcrap! Don't get me wrong, I loves the ladies. I mean they rev my engines, but they don't belong in the newsroom!
Champ Kind: It is anchorman, not anchorlady! And that is a scientific fact!
Brick Tamland: I don't know what we're yelling about!
Brian Fantana: You're with us, Ron, what do you think?
Ron Burgundy: Shit! Sh-- it's terrible! She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon!
Brian Fantana: Mm-hmm!
Brick Tamland: Loud noises!
Ed Harken: Look, she's not gonna take anyone's airtime, okay?
Brick Tamland: [voice quavering] I heard somewhere their periods attract bears. The bears can smell the menstruation!
Brian Fantana: [somberly] Well that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.

Brian Fantana: I'll give this little cookie an hour before we're doing the no-pants dance. Time to musk up.
[opens door to reveal different types of colognes]
Ron Burgandy: Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne are you gonna go with? London gentleman or... wait... No. No. No. Hold on... Blackbeard's Delight?
Brian Fantana: No. She gets a special cologne. It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries. Yep. It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
Ron Burgundy: It's quite pungent. [cringes] It's a formidable scent; it stings the nostrils in a good way.
Brian Fantana: [daubing the cologne on his neck] Yup.
Ron Burgundy: Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
Brian Fantana: They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time.
Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make any sense.
Brian Fantana: Well, let's go see if we can make this little kitty purr.
[Brian puts on Sex Panther cologne]
Veronica Corningstone: My God, what is that smell?
Brian Fantana: That's the smell of desire, my lady.
Veronica Corningstone: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper filled with Indian food! Oh, excuse me.
Brian Fantana: You know, desire smells like that to some people.
Garth Holliday: What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair! [Another woman passes by Brian and reacts in disgust]
News Station Employee: It smells like Bigfoot's dick!
[Almost all of the employees flee the office to avoid the smell, which is so strong that it sets off the fire alarm]
Brian Fantana: [Tries to act casual and walk away] Woah, what's that smell?
[Cuts to Brian being jet-hosed in the parking lot]
Hoser: This is worse than the time the raccoon got in the copier!

Veronica Corningstone: [Picks up phone] Veronica Corningstone.
Ron Burgundy: Hello. This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy results here, and guess what? You, you got knocked up, so you should probably get out of news.
Veronica Corningstone: Who is this?
Ron Burgundy: This is Doctor Chim. Dr. Chim Richalds. Richalds.
Veronica Corningstone: Is this you, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: I'm a professional doctor, you saw me. You don't remember. You were drunk. You should--you should go, you should get out of news.
Veronica Corningstone: This is pathetic.
Ron Burgundy: You're pathetic. [hangs up]
Champ Kind: How'd it go?
Ron Burgundy: I think she bought it.
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, I am a professional and I would like to be able to do my job.
Ron Burgundy: Crack a wank!
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.
Ron Burgundy: I'm not a baby, I'm a man! I am an anchorman!
Veronica Corningstone: You are not a man. You are a big fat joke!
Ron Burgundy: I'm a man who discovered the wheel, and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn! That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of ours. It's science.

Ron Burgundy: Mmm. San Diego. Drink it in, it always goes down smooth. Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diago, which of course in German means "a whale's vagina".
Veronica Corningstone: No, there's no way that's correct.
Ron Burgundy: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone: Doesn't it mean "Saint Diego"?
Ron Burgundy: No. No.
Veronica Corningstone: No, that's--that's what it means. Really.
Ron Burgundy: Well. Agree to disagree.

Ron Burgundy: Brick, where did you get a hand grenade?
Brick Tamland: I don't know.

Champ Kind: What's this?
Wes Mantooth: Well, well, well, Ron Burgundy and the Channel 4 News Team.
Ron Burgundy: Hello, Wes Mantooth, Hello, Evening News team.
Wes Mantooth: Hey nice clothes, gentlemen. I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale. [giggles] Am I right? Am I right? Look at these guys!
Brick Tamland: Hey! Where did you get those clothes, at the toilet store?
Wes Mantooth: What are you doing on our station's turf, Burgundy? You're about to get a serious beat down.
Champ Kind: I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!
Wes Mantooth: [enraged] Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!
Ron Burgundy: Hey, leave the mothers out of this. It's unnecessary. Besides, I'm sure Wes here is just upset about finishing second in the ratings again. [Brian winces]
Wes Mantooth: That's completely uncalled for, Burgundy. You know those rating systems are flawed. They don't take in account houses that have, uh, more than two television sets, and other things of that nature.
Ron Burgundy: I guess I have to take you at your word, No. 2. You have a great day, fellas, we'll see you around the bend.

Ron Burgundy: You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.
Frank Vitchard: Oh, yeah? Well, you're about to be in... dead place!

Arturo Mendez: Como éstan, bitches!

Ron Burgundy: (on the fight between local anchormen) Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean, that really got out of hand fast!
Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch.
Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.
Ron Burgundy: I saw that! Brick killed a guy! Did you throw a trident?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should probably find yourself a safe house or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

Champ Kind: The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron. You're a member of the Channel Four News Team.
Ron Burgundy: That's a given. That's a given.
Champ Kind: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you, I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. [laughs brokenly] I miss your scent; I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!
Brian Fantana: Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you stop talking for a while?
Ron Burgundy: Yeah, sit the next couple plays out, if you know what I mean.

Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker!
Veronica Corningstone: You look like a blueberry!
Ron Burgundy: Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island!
Veronica Corningstone: Well, you have bad hair!
Ron Burgundy: [flabbergasted] What did you say?
Veronica Corningstone: I said, your hair looks stupid.

Angry Biker: What do you love?
Ron Burgundy: I love poetry, and a glass of scotch, and, of course, my friend Baxter here.
Angry Biker: Well, now, guess what, this is happening.
[grabs Baxter]
Ron Burgundy: Excuse me, excuse me, what are you doing?
[biker punts Baxter over bridge]
Angry Biker: That's how I roll!

Brian Fantana: I think I was in love once.
Ron Burgundy: Really? What was her name?
Brian Fantana: I don't remember.
Ron Burgundy: That's not a good start, but keep going.
Brian Fantana: She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.
Ron Burgundy: Brian, I'm pretty sure that's not love.
Brian Fantana: Damn it!
Brick Tamland: [hesitantly] I love carpet. [Ron nods understandingly] I love desk.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?
Brick Tamland: [whispering] I love lamp.
Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying that because you saw it?
Brick Tamland: [helplessly] I-I love lamp! I love lamp.

Ron Burgundy: You really want to know what love is? (Champ Kind nods his head, whispering "Yeah")
Brian Fantana: Yes! Tell us!
Brick Tamland: More than anything in the world, Ron!
Ron Burgundy: Well, it's really quite simple. It's kinda like... (singing "Afternoon Delight") Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight, gonna grab some afternoon delight. My motto's always been "when it's right, it's right", why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?
Everyone: (joining in) When everything's a little clearer in the light of day. And, we know the night is always gonna be here anyway!
Brick and Brian together: Thinking of you's workin' up my appetite, looking forward to a little afternoon delight. Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite and the thought of loving you is getting so exciting, sky rockets in flight. Afternoon Delight.
Ron Burgundy: (stops singing) You guys have it.
Everyone: (singing) Afternoon delight!
Champ Kind: (stops singing) I dunno, Ron, that sounds kinda crazy.
Brian Fantana: Sounds like you have mental problems, man.
Brick Tamland: [dreamily] Yeah, you got mental problems, man.
Brian Fantana: Yeah, it really does.
Brick Tamland: Man.
Everyone: Afternoon delight!

Champ Kind: I woke up this morning on the floor of some Japanese family's rec room and they would not stop screaming!

Ron Burgundy: Look, the most glorious rainbow ever!
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, do me on it!

Ron Burgundy: (yelling) Veronica Corningstone and I had sex and we are now in love! (normal) Did I say that loud?
Brian Fantana: Yeah, you pretty much yelled it.
Ron Burgundy: Well, I don't care. It's fantastic!
Champ Kind: What's it like, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: The intimate times? Outta sight, my man!
Brian Fantana: No, the other thing. Love.
Brick Tamland: Yeah. What is that?

Ron Burgundy: [while both are riding on horses through a cartoon Pleasure Town] I friggin' love you!
Veronica Corningstone: I friggin' love you back!

Ed Harken: Apparently my son was on something called 'acid' and was firing a bow and arrow into a crowd. You know how kids are!

Brick Tamland: Excuse me, Veronica.
Veronica Corningstone: Yes, what is it, Brick?
Brick Tamland: I would like to extend to you, an invitation to the Pants Party.
Veronica Corningstone: Excuse me?
Brick Tamland: The party, the pants, party with the pants?
Veronica Corningstone: Brick, are you saying that there is a party in your pants and that I'm invited?
Brick Tamland: That's it.
Veronica Corningstone: Mm. Did Brian tell you to say this, Brick?
Brick Tamland: No, yes, he did.
Veronica Corningstone: Okay. No, I don't want to go to a party in your pants.
Brick Tamland: Very well. (turns to crew member) Ian! Would you like to go to a party in my pants?

Ron Burgundy: (lifting weights) 1001, 1002, 1003.
Veronica Corningstone: Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, you asked me to come by, sir.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, did I?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes.
Ron Burgundy: Oh-h, it's the deep burn! Oh, it's so deep! Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting, I did over a thousand.

Ron Burgundy: Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy. What's your name?
Brian: Brian Fantana.
Champ: Champ Kind.
Brick: Brian Fantana.
Brian: No, you're Brick.
Brick: Brian.
Brian: I'm Brian.
Brick: Veronica.

Brian Fantana: Where are you, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: [sobbing inside a phone booth] I'm in a glass case of emotion!

Ron Burgundy: Wait, Veronica, please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke.
Veronica Corningstone: You weren't here! Why are you being this way? Why can't you just be proud of me as a peer and as my gentleman lover?
Ron Burgundy: I can't believe you did this to me! You read my news!
Veronica Corningstone: I told you that I wanted to be an anchor. I told you that.
Ron Burgundy: I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary. “Veronica had a very funny joke today.” I laughed at it later that night!
Veronica Corningstone: I can't believe that I cared for you!
Ron Burgundy: Get out! Just go! We are through! Through! Because of your actions, you scorpion woman!
Veronica Corningstone: You have broken my heart, Mr. Burgundy. You have broken my heart.

Ron Burgundy: It's so hot...milk was a bad choice!

Ron Burgundy: Well, that's going to do it for all of us here at Channel 4 News. You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?
Ed Harken: Damn it, who typed a question mark on the teleprompter? For the last time, anything you put on that prompter, Burgundy will read!

Garth Holliday: [sobbing incoherently] Coming out with stink like that poop, you poop-mouth! Get all that poop coming out of your mouth!
Ron Burgundy: Garth, if I were to give you some money from out of my wallet, would that help ease the pain? [glances at Ed for approval]
Garth Holliday: [sobbing] I hate you Ron Burgandy! I hate you!

Ron Burgundy: Um, Brick, before I let you go, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament?
Brick Tamland: Um, no, no. Too many people died last year, so we're not gonna do it.

Veronica Corningstone: For the entire Channel 4 news team, I'm Veronica Corningstone.
Ron Burgundy: And I'm Ron Burgandy. Go fuck yourself, San Diego!